days&days&days.

my life without a job.

i fucking love it.

i have time to create, i have time to sleep… yoga, friends, church, food…. i love being joyful about all the chaos and questions and struggle. this is "my" journey, this is what it takes for me to create. 

now i need a more detailed outline. 

for all the projects that i have for my own

beautiful well being. 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.---1 corinthians 13:4-8

letters to sir.sierra.

thoughts about you i need to share.

you have become quite the inspiration

for me, pushing the limits for me, 

pressing all the particles of my 

soul into something that shakes

the shivers out of me. 

i am not going anywhere just yet

i am happy with our present 

lives together. i am doing everything

that i dreamed i would do.

i am glad you are a part of it.

at times i look at you and think

"lets just get on a train... 

a plane

a boat

a bike

a bus

a horse

and go somewhere new."

the times are tricky 

but ours is still... 

tick tock, even our silence

has a comfort that i want to 

lay beside me. buenas noches. 

friction.

i can feel it in the air.

when nothing but yourself

amuses the frustrations

of being only human.

i admire your passion

a vibration in your voice

our bodies together

twisted pressed into


in   fat   uation.

deep sea diving.

the backdrop was inside the aquarium of the pacific... in the underworld of an idea of the future. the day was frantic; my feelings were hurt by someone i thought cared enough to just be happy for my success. the fear is subsiding and i am thrilled with a chance to interact with people in a way that provokes thought & inspiration.

now for focusing on the future. i am too creative and full of life to be trapped in such a misery as the world we live in... this side always exaggerates the actual, yes... i understand this, but my GOD! we do not need any of these things and the sad and vacant looks on people's faces... well i can not stand for this either. why is it that we have become so numb to human interaction?

i am thankful the sir.sierra decided to fuel my flame... throughout the day we were as one. i hope to never forget the afternoon's colors & breeze & all the music... the coffee... the kisses and the lack of a lighter. puts your mind to work on the other options. i believe that i am so madly infatuated with the idea of a gypsy life with this boy that i am not sure the wind can move me quite yet.
later our night was dark and clouded with substance abuse in a way that we like it best.. together. perfect timing equals the celebration of a life achievement that i will have with me, forever. the all black attire fit perfectly in a world of demons, except i see only angels. blessings lay my lover beside me in an innocent tangle of our fire.

feeling the exposure of the day i could see things would be different from now on. no longer do i have to waste my time with the original place of work. this takes me back to the day when i first began this journey with the loft on broadway and the owner wanted to hire me... but told me "good luck" and that she was worried for me. maybe i should've taken that as a warning... but either way, i met all the loves of my life from being there. and that is the end.

game of chess.

check mate. the grand closing of an opening event... it was all a scene from a future ending show. the exciting exit of a new idea. where too next?

woken this morning by the convenience of a connected cell that asked me ... yoga at the park? miss ali cat was questioning... and i was over sleeping. this is the beauty of her; she suddenly is there. to a place where i began this journey. trust. relevance. faith & love.

i pray until i put myself to sleep. asking and hoping that i can continue on my connected path. i see a clear vision now and i understand that this adventure is one that i have solely built & holding onto something is the upside equation to my outcome.

please, i beg that the sin doesn't take over. what is right? when it comes to excessive... pleasure in the plausible future gave me a chance at hope in knowing that i would be able to conquer all struggles. i have released my soul to the connector of us... lead me not into temptation.

production.

putting yourself out there. my entire being is "on the rocks". the three of us are a good crowd... moses is a whirl pool of being that i want to be around. sitting amongst the rats and zombies... drinking a beer and admiring the coastline. the skyline of this city is beautiful looking in... peering through the tiny tactful hints giving me just a moments worth of hope.

rock bottom. how low can you go? hope comes when you are in the darkest time... i feel like i have given up control. i have released control. it is not mine to control. it is not mine.

under the moon we exchanged sentences and words that i hardly want to recall.. all i know is that we have fallen into each other's spell... playing tricks with each other... the look in his eye tells all.
                                                 "you are in love with me".
     we made "THIS" love... we did this together. now what? NOW WHAT?

we fuck on the bathroom floor for a thrill. simply because someone was in the other room.. fulfilling the voids and obstacles that stop us from releasing the good feelings. words. words. words. words. forgotten.

"did you do this? the composition is well done for having no formal training... i'm impressed" says moses. i take this with a flutter... he knows a thing or two about art. i would love to see his work... soon. descriptive elements.... making an impression. we make impressions.

vladimir the great.

on a wall lined with plastic containers... the display of iridescent scales flowed about the puddles of water. the crimson and royal blue half moon tail males danced and spread their fins in a show of attention... while others stayed very still. each with their own personal pattern and swirls. it was hard to focus and decide on whether or not to choose...

the red to fade like aqua teal to the end of his tail. the unique features are a first a bit brash, then you stop and realize that he is quite stunning. the attention to detail is why i couldn't step away. i set him down, he danced around... giving me flashes of his colors, the reflection of the pet shop's florescent bulbs bounced his mermaid like essence around.

the name comes to mind instantly, yet i am still unsure of the origin. the question of putin arrises, but i am certain that this does not fit. the evening passes and he travels well with me in a wine glass that is absolutely half full. his energy is active as he blows me kisses from under the glass bubble of clear liquid. after research makes it certain that he is indeed... "great".

the russian ruler of 980; he was a very indulgent leader flooded with sin and pagan beliefs... but suffers a life altering moment of truth and came to God through Jesus Christ. he then began his life work of converting those around him... to feel the ease and loving forgiveness through Christ. sending his twelve sons to witness a world that would ultimately turn against them.

the famed words of this blessing in disguise..."drinking is the joy of all Rus'. we can not exist without that pleasure"... while the outer persons' saw in and were unable to tell the difference of being in heaven or on earth.

----black matte bow tie----

months ago i wore the classic look on the east coast. let's begin 2014... then i saw the tallest, most beautiful girl wearing a replica tonight in downtown LA... i don't know why i had any doubt; i am far, far ahead of my time.

plastic. air. puff.

for one entire year i managed to tumble & toss my way through several of these "temporary" sleep options.  one in particular stayed around the longest... broken down over the past four hundred days, i lost count and many hours laying too low to the ground. you tend to become ... sleepy. now the comfort of my sleep should improve the securtiy of my day...


morning began early and allowed for time to learn. i spent the morning with a lovely soul on the couch, she was gentle and stubborn, but someone worth collecting wisdom from... this is going to be the building where everything happens. one year ago i was already there, with sarah. she paved the way for many strings; tying little knots of thread throughout the land in order to make a vibration later.

beauty. what is this "feature"? we'll discuss that later.

... excuse me while i am off to dowtown LA.

only fools rush in.

elvis knew a thing or two about entertaining... the idea that you could have him. with a heartbeat is the option to "have" or "not have" and for his benefit, should've left with more mystery. i am seeing now the loops and loops of patterns; all put on repeat for eternity.
now i pray for help.
there is nothing i can do.
there is nothing i can say.
now is the time to stay still.
settle with the serenity of the present...
simple pleasures.
all the needs are met...
now it is time for

masking tape.

run with me.

"ma'am! do you know how to get to the blue line?" 

"i do! but you are going the wrong way... run with me?!"

we made it before time & covered in sweaty excitement from the rush of running across town... my heart beat hurting my lungs... just a bit flustered enough to not realize the beauty of the last serendipitous moment. 

"you are a blessing... i was so lost".

i think what startled me most was that he had seen my name before.. this is so uncommon that i may never, ever forget this experience. i had never heard his before... zethery. i think i will call him..."z". 

falling.

frankly i can not describe the essence of comfort that i felt from the scene. dark shadows and stillness of  the night, the glow of the orange decoration through the window... i had to pause. why is this so familiar? yes, i have been here before. i should relax and let myself just fall ... fall in love.

the vibrations of our voice throughout the morning... we just like to lay in bed all day and hear each say the most delicate sentences in each other's ears...neck...shoulders...back. in my mind i created still pictures, cropped and placed catalogued to hopefully recall for future work. unfortunately most artist forget... i feel oh so forgetful just explaining this scenario of life to you right now!

i couldn't help but want to hold this body close to mine absurdly tight... as if to capture a feeling. a feeling that could last longer than what we were given.  it is all that i can do to separate myself from him. i just want us to be as one. to slide my hands along all the moisture of his body... our bodies, as we strive to "work out the science".

practicing habits that could potentially become the existence of what i perceive to be ... "love".

exception.

"now i kinda want to die... and that is the truest way to know that i am alive." -la luz

lalalala these girls oh do they sing to me. reminding me of the boys at home. zack mexico transcended to me in the shape of tall lanky lovelies. sing to me girl. oohhh ohh ohhhh. i read his lines of letters over and over again. i guess i am "cooler" than i seem to realize. stop... nothing is me. i am him... jesus. "who is it that they want?" "jesus". well... we are only human.

to the rules that we have bound ourselves inside. now is the time to exit the ropes and squares and step outside of the box that this... parallel to what we all want. several lives and personalities that coincide with what lies deep inside. so much so... that we can see the common thread that bound us... together.

“Anybody can learn to think, or believe, or know, but not a single human being can be taught to feel... the moment you feel, you're nobody-but-yourself - in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.” -- E.E. Cummings

the future.

angels are messengers that deliver a message.
i just had to bring up demons.
i felt like it... i felt like letting
people understand that i see
things from a different light.

i get the reassurance that i need
with the small bits & pieces of
spoken words. now for new news
prayer. kneeling down in the shower
and letting the water flow. i met
everyone i need to know
i just became... familiar. connected.
thank god.

in a misdemeanor of all devices... i guess i exaggerated the truth. in my usual manner of self amusement, creating a social experiment to occupy the time.

was it selfish to only discuss with my inner elite... or do i have it all wrong.
the ones that i wouldn't "usually" talk with.. those are who need to hear a thing.
the exact words... i astonish others with, well i won't remember a thing. i didn't say them.
i felt them & meant them... but i didn't Create them. i just said them.
hmm.


the tour of bars of LA. all of which were so dark and black reds and lanterns. the glass fixtures with character... does anyone notice?
are we all on the same cycle.

separated by one degree of separation.
paz, from the entrance band... now a part of the pixies.
a friend of a friend.
white lies tell the truth.

two lives left us today... close enough for me to feel them leave.
the selfish act of controlling your death. if that is what you wish.
i have relinquished control... and that is the best decision i have
made in a long, long time.

and for the record. i know grammar very well.

trains.

in the early morning light
i catch the train alone
on this early morning ride
he catches me smile
he must of been reminded
of something else so
dear to him.  soon we began
to talk about.... if my smile
matched my eyes. hidden
behind the bright orange
deflection of his mirrored
reflection. something must
of reminded me of some one
i loved so dearly... as i told
him a story. take a listen to
this sound he shared in my
ear. the rhythm was of good
taste and i could relate to his
words. back and forth we
exchanged things that i might
not have said... had the topic
of music not aroused my
attention. he said out loud
what i have always said in my
brain. as a true artist you have
to do everything. you have to
study enough to know all the
parts... to create the entire
work of art. being in a band is a
tough act to follow, but what
more could i want other than
to make love with a sound. to
travel the world and discover
my hidden... he said he likes
to plant seeds and watch them
grow into a star. i am curious as
to what He has in store for me,
but one day at a time... i am
glad i was running late for the
train so i could meet mister
james matthews.

pennies from heaven.

small copper bits falling from the ... ceiling. around you lies the ring of shattered change and one must take it all in then collect them... in any given order.

dreamland. the recent theme is that of "being told what to do... and when to leave." this is the stubborn side of me fighting for what i think i need, i suppose. enough analyzing... the night before i was being told to not want musicians... as they are not what i need. i ran into an old school days boyfriend... sitting on the couch with his fiancé. she went on to explain some weird trick about to remember someone's name by tapping your wrists together. i felt like i was being followed by many people and i just wanted to be left to my "own" devices. particularly i want to be left alone... with an exception of a few men.
last night... i remember that the "spin pin" was a topic of conversation, someone asked me if they could buy it and i wasn't prepared. i also felt the feeling of being rushed to leave and i wasn't ready. i started to tear up while telling one of the wregglesworth brothers about how i needed to stay longer to see my family because i lived so far away. everyone is the actual person but sometimes they appear to be the older version....much older. we were in the woods at a camp ground like atmosphere that is separate from anywhere i have been... the tills are playing near by that night. i had a lingering feeling that i didn't  want to stay and wait, i guess i knew that it was best to leave.        i want to recollect more... but thats all the change i need.

--12/14/13

"i want to have a soul that transcends with me... we will unveil new heights of emotions that i can not explore alone. truly caring for another person is a desire that my soul craves." 

ambiguous.

"they like to keep us guessing" -- moses

it was a constant theme along the night. with a touch of mystery you can see things in a different manner. of discussion kept us from seeing the music... in a church in LA. an all girl surf rock band that eerrily reminded me of home... zack mexico style. it was a bliss to see the social gathering in this small venue. rented out in order to collect funds...truly we are all "going out of business".
the last few seconds were enough to capture the feeling i was looking for; the lights come on and it is time for the next show... the afterpart. i took advantage of the style observation... those around us took much time to "look" the way they do... might as well absorb their inspiration. some glittery shoes introduced us to burger records... off to footsies we go. the dark, smokey atmosphere reminded me of another place and time. i don't feel the need to elaborate.... the red & black theme resurfaces. nude victorian portraits line the walls in a desperate air of attention. i entertained my anxiety with whiskey & water... questioned through out the night about sir sierra and his role in my existence... well i suppose we will all have to wait and see.

tapping.

keeping rhythm
keeping time
seeing colors
seeing lines
hearing patterns
hearing sound
feeling senses
feeling found.