Trial & Error.

Checks & Balances.

Ups & Downs.

East & West.

Pain & Sorrow.

Lust & Passion.

Bread & Water.

Peanut-butter & Jelly.

Truth & Lies.

Past & Present. 

Here & Now.

Place & Time.

Darkness & Light.

New & Old.

Plain & Shiny.

Silver & Gold.

Failure & Success. 

Good & Evil.

Left & Right. 

Yes & No. 

Catch & Release.

Aches & Pains.

Peace & Justice.

Apples & Oranges.

Black & White.

Batman & Robin.

Fox & Hound.

Rock & Roll. 

give me to the waves...

"in my dreams... i'm not sleeping" -general ghost

this song rings true to my everyday.... feelings.
i took a leap, i went "all in" and here i am.
i am still making the same mistakes... just on the other side.

when will i learn? DO NOT SLEEP WITH BOYS.
huh.
guess "he" is doing it to me again, teaching me to keep "it" together.

so here i am... ruining the things that i have worked so hard to build.
i broke my favorite necklace, which is very symbolic to the entire situation.

making a fool of myself is the best way to prove that i am human.
trying to rule out feelings and emotions aside to get to a deeper meaning of life on earth.

save it for the morning after.

i don't know where to start or end anymore. it is all just boredom and a feeling of lost senses.
so what, i acted insane. i just have too much energy to contain anything anymore. i am "just so damn pretty" i could get myself into all kinds of situations...
but i choose not.
i choose is the main objective. and sooner or later the primal instincts will take over anyway.
maybe it was the spirit animals painting... maybe not.
he didn't quite smell or feel right, but i enjoyed the experience.
supposedly if you are friends this is what happens next... i just always rush to get there.
i don't take the time to get to know him, maybe i can just close my eyes and feel all of it.
why does sex power our being?
what is so special about the connection... i'm glad my true one is making me wait.
it is just a fun but scary mess of an "artistic tornado" coming through for a few..... years.

"it's all in the eyes".

capture the being here. is there one and have we met before? all of this is in the ... glance.
chances are your past character resides here. a long trail of lines that have once been crossed.

"like coffee in the morning". 

one of the most simple pleasures is the smell. is the memory of what it was.. what it could be. she is a wild creature that isn't going to stop. i don't know the outcome, i can't really see past unrealistic.

"i need you". 

stop. stop all the want, all the energy confusion... all the self pity. stop the lingering, the longing, the desire for anything that you don't already possess. you don't need much past water, shelter and .... above all things l.o.v.e.

what a waste.

i waste many things; mainly my time. lately it has all been for nothing. i am bored and choose sleep or stare off into the distance instead of any purpose. i actually feel remorse and confusion about whether all of my efforts have been in vain?
im not even interested in my days or hours, i'd rather enter my dream land.
maybe i should learn something.
maybe i should plan something.

i am sick again, from the travels... the adventures. i am sick with a past time passion for love and lust.
the thought that scares me the most... do i even know him? do i even love him?
how will i know if i don't take the time to learn, to have patience and try and pay attention to the signs that he has so blatantly laid in front of me.

shift the focus and try and say still without falling asleep.

the unmanifested is present in this world as silence. this is why it has been said that nothing in this world is so like God as silence. all you have to do is pay attention to it. 

                                        --the power of now by eckhart tolle

please understand that i am a free spirit.

i need this time to be with myself and figure out where to go next. i just feel completely alone... i have friends, yes, but really... they have their own life to worry about. really, without you... i only have me. i just can't keep living life like a robot. i need change... i need to evolve... i need adventure & mystery. i guess i'll only be able to achieve those things alone.

i'm just passing through...

just so everyone knows, so it's out there and clear. i am not permanent. i will not be here forever. don't expect that of me... ever. 

july 19 2010

Saturday.

Living in a past life that was only a week ago. I stay in my mind this time and try my hardest to recall all the details.. Except they are gone now and I must move past it. I have waited too long to scratch the exact moment and I guess I should just give up. I keep lingering there hoping for some miraculous second that will place me back on that island.. There isn't one. Moving forward is hard.. I stare off into space and it all burns, it hurts. He is gone. Just like death.. The adventure is only but a memory. You can't get it back and no line of sentences will ever understand. I bore myself now with the repetitiveness of my inspiration; time for something new.  

Man is like to vanity: his days are as a shadow that passeth away. (Psalms 144:4 KJV)

Yet a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to sleep: So shall thy poverty come as one that travelleth; and thy want as an armed man. (Proverbs 24:33, 34 KJV)

Purge it all out of your system in order to move past the past.

The craziest of person lives in their head? Or are they the sanest of them all?

I don't even relate to others at times. Is this how it will be from now on? I'll be living in my past for the rest of it?.... Certainly I must catch up again so I can live in the present. I can only go back and revisit. 

And I suppose all I can do is sit still with my eyes closed; it is all trapped inside of me.

"you nailed it."

i like to dance 

on things

under things

over things

around things

through things

i like to think that the memory will last forever, the moment passed and once again the brillance disapates into the thin air of the above, layered clouds in the sky without meaning or labels. i wonder how he feels for the silence. letters and sayings only reflect an unfamiliar feeling that i cant ever describe. why is it that all the i've been waiting for is now gone? i want more time.. to go back to the side by side naps in a sweaty room. the dirt and filth that is two hot bodies pressed together all weekend. two perfect shapes that felt like .. a drug that i needed a drag of... please i beg of you to give me more. i need to feel more. the feeling of being held in a heated thought of genuine love. an innocent blessing of sorts that releases chemicals to push you to the next level.. in the name of love. 

but now i have to go. the mystery that is my edge fades into what he is beginning to know. does he  know what he does to me? can he feel it too? i wanted to know the difference. but it takes the light away.. takes the life away. nothing i can do will take the pain away. it's all a blur of aches and pains... but his voice lingers on.

i want to lay in bed forever in his arms..

but then the time ends and you can never get it back; completely over, completely done. it's like a death of sorts... except i don't want to think about death with him. it hurts too much... at least he is here on earth now... and maybe even thinking about me. i dont know... i should've asked. angels are walking around and i think he is one of them... so now i have only the past to remember. the mourning in the air will lighten the pain, please please don't let me forget. i just need a glass of wine and a paint brush.. maybe i'll feel something again. say your goodbyes... contain the feelings with a creative extremist movement.

i want to just say i do... say i promise to be with you through the good and bad. to the end of the earth.. i will stand by you. 

god wants me to have this love on earth... how else would i know his love without it. angels. grant me angels and i'll show you heaven. the unicorn life is one to remember... one to wonder and ponder.. is this real life. 

Sugar beet... Tell me a story.

Unwind my heart strings scramble

Me up to a shaky mess

Of what the fuck do I do now?

I apologize for my absence

Dare I say the thrill is in me leaving

You'll know when I'm gone.

My heart does still skip beats

From across the country

As I hear your voice in my ear.

Covered in your sweaty essence 

My pores try and purge you

From its dirty surface.

Pale is the future with out you

My body squirms alone at night

In a tangle of lonely sheets.

Solitude at last you are granted

That I left you so easily 

With only an innocent kiss.

Dark is the promise that I'll see you again

Days are numbered in time

That you swear you have plenty of.

Don't tell all your secrets kept inside 

A shattered glass of wine

Or whiskey on the hardwood floor.

Blowing smoke rings around this soul

Crazy is the love sick spell

bound to me  ...

Sweet as honey forever more. 

adorable are we?

push me . take bits of flesh . with your crooked teeth . blood . draw blood & words . with your precious essence . fucking take a part . of me & use it . for your own good . i claw your collar bone & hope one day . we die in each others arms . pure love . true love is more painful . than knives . more painful than broken bones . his eyes pierce me in . sharp glances . i can't conceal the . flesh i wish to take from . you . is it wrong to love . the soul that loves . someone else . please . i beg of you .

Where's Waldo...

I went to bad bean to see DJ al-key .. Disco tiki night. I got ready quick and wore my black and white linen pants. 

The rythym of a good song. That is what he is to me... 

I had a dream that explained it all the other night. I knew that he had the shirt, it just once showed up in my feed, but I can't understand how I could predict what happens. I see bits and pieces of it all, but never the exact story line. 

I just missed him at bad bean... I was late because I stopped to see Ellen and have a drink with her. I honestly enjoy her company, she loves me but she can really be... Harsh. It's a dosage thing. I stayed later than expected but I'm always late.. Keeping people waiting. I was glad that I missed him first thing... So I went to goombays to see Zack Mexico and some friends of theirs play. It was going to be a good show.. But I showed up way too late. I followed a girl into the bathroom just before I left... And I drove a half mile down the street. It was packed but I managed to find a parking spot close by, noticing there was a crazy line outside. Taylor spotted me "you just missed tupper and harry". It's one in, one out tonight. I couldn't wait outside, not to see Zack Mexico.. That's absurd. But if taylor could've even get in, well then I wasn't going to be able to either. I called tupper and surpriseily  he answered the call. I wanted to see harry.. badly tonight, so i drove back to to my first spot.. admiring the teal bar they added over the winter. Katie we there and I hadn't seen her in months; we squealed and I jumped around when I saw her. Like we were kids... It was a monumental feat that we accomplished.. One that makes us who we are today. Her face is comforting.

In the dream I couldn't find him, it's like I just caught the tail end of his presence.  My phones screen was shattered and nothing was really going right... But people were telling me how wonderful and amazing the guy in the red striped shirt is. 

The tambourine was there to entertain.. And oh so freeing. To dance around and  feel like Stevie nicks. I'm sure I was ridiculous.. But at least I have rythym. I was beginning to gain some confidence... he was with josh and tupper at the bar, Katie and I danced around. It was mostly just me for most of it... Katie is also DJ yoga buzz, who knew? I noticed harry outside having a cigarette by himself on the bench. I went to join him and sat perfectly in the curve of his arm. He handed me his cig, which we shared. I guess I smoke now. He asked me how my trip ws going...I wish I could remember our words, but I always lose them. Josh ended the night with a track from the sounds of whales on vinyl. It was awkwardly amusing.. The longing echos through the sea. I made the move and asked harry his plans.. I wanted to go where he was going, which happens to be just down the street. It began to rain and the cool drops felt good.. Causing my hair to frizz... Covered in the the clear droplets of crystal. I don't remember details..."Can I make you a cocktail?" he handed me a whiskey, lemon and sugar concoction then lit two cigarettes and put one in my mouth. I think the band showed up after us... Lots of band members everywhere. It felt like a chaotic zoo at one point. I remember talking to Joey about LA and how he keeps up with me on Facebook. I like how he wanted to talk music videos and such, I think I agreed to give him a haircut. He has the best curls. I started feeling anxious when this young girl showed up. I think she was with harry last summer.. I know she wanted to be with him. This made me nervous and I couldn't relax anymore. I'm sure you could read it on my face that I wasn't paying attention to much else. I didn't want him to disappear with her.. Where would I sleep? 

I caught his attention in the kitchen and told him about my social anxiety. He smiled and laughed. "Im so glad you have it bad like me." I smiled and he walked off.. To his room. I paused a minute and looked around. Casually disappearing into the .... It was sudden, who am I kidding. As soon as we were alone, I'm not sure how it happened, but I think he grabbed my waist and pulled me down. He tossed around and said a few lost things.. Maybe he remembers more of the details. I doubt it. It's more of a feeling... 

The reflection from the computer screen lined his silhouette and I was laying on my back. I could feel the pull, the magnetic feeling that holds us together. He grinned and it all happened. I hadn't felt his mouth in months. "I like the way you taste".. I said. "What, like booze." Haha. It was all so comical. It's funny to think that neither of us could probably recall any of it... But someone had to be witnessing this. The history and familiarity of our rendezvous is what attracts me. The way he performs shows... Is the private side of what I get to see. I like his aggressive hold on me... "I like teeth, nails and scratches.." I like marks that last for days. It's something to remind me that it did happen. I could see us eventually hurting each other though... With our passion to press and throw things against the walls. 

I can see it all now. I didn't want the night to end.. More please. I wanted it to be a continuum of an eternity. The line blurs between being awake and falling asleep.. I just know that our bodies were tangled like cats and we slept like that all night. When I'm with him... I want to be on top of him, laying on his chest. He kept saying how much of a mess he is.. And how insane I am. I suppose all of this is true. The saliva is what I like. I like to lick.. His body, his neck.. And pull his hair. Making an impression that keeps feeling.. Keeps... Being.

june.29.13

excerpt from 500 days of LA 

october 2012

the future stops for no one
it graces us with small
bits that we call happy
& other moments of contentment.
the pressure to feel causes
anger so i just sit back
& breathe in the scenery
what else do i have to
prove his love?!
other than all the pieces
i call answers of grace
the moment when everything
starts to make sense
& we call it fate.

the journey to dare us to move
forward & constantly
change.
our surroundings
our thoughts, images
only seconds worth that
stay in our memory.
the distortion of feelings &
emotions, when really
we are all just dying souls
wandering a never ending
mass of chaos. the light of
hope only carries us so far
eventually we must rest.

Parallel lines.

Remain the same distance apart over their entire length. No matter how far you extend them, they will never meet. 

Timing is everything and in the end, pleasure is pain. The electricity and pressing passion of my last few days are why ... It's an interconnected spiral of a spider  web that with it... sights and sounds not seen through a lens. .  distorts what actually happens on the inside, controlling what we portray. Back to the future past of what has been and what will always be. The double vision duplicate with a fuzzy resemblance. No need to pick or choose favorites... It wasn't your choice anyway. 

The fading of a week ago.. His mark in a new position still exists. A reminder that freedom of choice is what we get; choose wisely. Can one really walk down two paths at once.. Both with the thrills and spills. One thing to remember.. Just like in a game of chess, the queen protects the king. 

I think we know who the king is. .. but a bishop protects the queen. 

Try not to be heavily influenced.. Let it come from with in.

You could choose any where in the world and you choose California. -blow

Disqusing our pains with a mysterious smile.. As if you know. Yourself for enough similarities in the common ground... 

What do you like about me?

I don't know yet... But i want to find out. 

out of order.

a neutral solid repetitive moment when forward is the only option. i have exceeded that which is the present tense and realize perhaps I'm the one worth chasing. when boredom sets in it makes me jump off bridges. i suppose the "lurking" is what i would prefer when I'm beginning to become over the music. lets not put our life on repeat anymore. i need more and suddenly this tiny island made me feel trapped once again... in a beautiful glass box where nothing is ever different. yet the comfort in the same is what makes you completely mad. too much love? i doubt that is the case.. but a few double takes and lucid dreaming becomes "key".

is there one more

rockstar: being true to ones self and their very nature; living without limitations or restrictions to ones obsessions. freedom. before the world ends?

i believe so.

it's all just nonsense anyway. 

cold pizza.

the four in the morning hour is a good time to focus on your present... goals.
i guess i am happy in the instance that i am really quiet from now on... i have too much to consider.
"you are really a good fan" says a girl after i finish explaining to her about how she needs to go see the hound dogs... immediately.
fan.

this is rather comical to me. i manage to keep a very straight face. i act calm and resume my natural being. i guess you could say that i was here first. it happened during an indian summer. everything finally comes full circle and you realize that indeed... a moment changes everything.


you want more... i know it. we all do, that is what makes us... humanly equal. but i beg to differ. the ones with the higher power.. are much closer to the top.
the boys said a funny thing tonight... --girls are like cats, they like for you to let them think they have the power... but they would rather you be in control--.
i think this is true.
my man... i'd rather him just shake me around a bit.

freedom.

our colors have changed... but my feelings stayed the same. it was almost a replica of last year, except it was ten times more love... and affection. i know these wild souls more than ever as we paced and danced around the acid wash of music and beer.
the oceanside bar housed the soul of the world's future rockstar. people are starting to recognize his character and see his depth. this sandbar has raised and grown him into quite the man. with all his trials and strife... the pressure is on.
feeling like the sound was one with my movements... i danced in perfect synchronization of his rhythms. it's like i've been here before... heard this song and knew all the .... steps.
no film... no picture... it's like it never happened.
the sweaty packed bar... this phenomenon.
most of them didn't know what to do with the sound. shock & awe... how much is too far? in the name of a good show.
the mermaid curls I'm sure were a sight... i was a mess. but from the mouth of harry himself... when asked what he wants from his shows... "i just want to see everyone rocking out". that is rock & roll.


if it were up to me... we would fill venues all over this earth and show everyone the best night of their life.

the night in this life was ended for me short... i lingered too long and put myself too out there. some little blond was occupying his thoughts and words, but that is ok. he has to be given away.
i have to give him away. he is not mine... nor will he ever be. my love for him is just as all the others... no different. we are all the same. now that i have let go of this... i have freedom.

as i dosed off into the matrix of my dreamland... he is there to greet me with open arms. thank goodness, because i wasn't done with him just yet. we had many conversations... all of which are lost forever the layers of brain tissue... but one moment sticks with me. he was holding a postcard... that was black and was waving it back and forth "all of the magic... the glitter... is almost gone". i looked at him and explained that it was just time to move on, to a new place. spread the magic around... i know his feeling. he has maxed out here. he will be a legend on this island. and then we have to let him go.