rolling rocks.

in the instance when the ground shakes & quivers under our feet; i am in a crowded bar at a rock n'roll concert. this is well suited to my desires... as i grab hold of the moving cement bar and watch the chandelier sway overhead. i look around and notice those around me more clear, more in a light of we are just humans. we are all similar in most ways... despite our outward impressions. it is chaos that levels humanity, right?

several tremors precede that last only seconds... and then it is over. with a blink we are gone and what is left? what is our legacy? it is the unconventional thoughts that we leave behind. the ones that are interpreted and dissected until the meaning is fulling exhausted by the following generation ... then they can proceed to come up with their own thoughts. the explanation of an abstract story...

que sera.

how fast the days go by without a single word to spare. the time flies quickly now and as another black moon passes our path... we set a plan of money & peace. i say a prayer for my own sake and then move on to others. if some one asks you for your help, then we must use all of our strength and skill to help them. it is in his honor that we receive our gifts and praise him... why would he not save our souls?

connection.

is a powerful tool . all that i wanted to achieve today... i placed ever so slightly in my brain and it happened. amazing what being alone can do... eventually you are surrounded with all of your friends. i am so thankful to be becoming into this beautiful web. 

the black magic of the moon left me feeling queazy; perhaps it was the off beat music that made me feel like i was going to melt from a heart attack. i had too many thoughts and i was overwhelmed with my frantic molecules that were bouncing around. thankfully megan could see that i just needed fresh air. we took that moment of hearing each other to realize we have much more in common than i realized and proceeded to have a disco dance party to my favorite set list of funky Egyptian soul music. i felt like i was back again in the luckiest place at mile post 12; the red and black painted walls and a dj who spins vinyl. his taste in music was unheard of, but i knew he knew about the next generation. i am glad that i was able to hear a small taste, it was all so familiar. 

i sit back and can now relax because i am indeed free. i have  father that protects and guides me through all these obstacles. he dropped me in this place of grace with reason. now is the time i step up to the throne. whatever will be, will be. 

3.26.14

today i spent much of the day just "waiting". I'm so tired of waiting. i also believe now.. more than before, that everyone is out for themselves. i miss cristoffer so much but i believe that he is gone forever. my stomach hurts just thinking about it and i am anxious about silly things. the fact that i am so financially fucked is a sin, so i am stuck here on the the west coast. oh well, it's really comfortable and i am willing to put in the time and see how many jobs i can work until things start to make sense again. 

i saw all the important faces tonight. i drank three glasses of wine for most of the money that i made today.. i bought wine colored lipstick and plan to wear it for awhile. needing something new and interesting. some lip rouge will do the trick. 

i am sketched out by everyone sometimes and know that i will never get the credit that i deserve. 

i am just thankful for the blessings i have and know that i do not want to be any one else other than a better version of myself. that says a lot. i am a rockstar… and my hands are very powerful. 

i only relax during yoga. amen. 

excerpt from 500 days of LA 

inception.

i felt him leave my presence for some time today
it's like the molecules ... cells that were my body..

no longer are my genetic make.up
it's as if something changed
i couldn't resist my pessimism
but i am thankful i went out for the night.

if power, statue and rockstar were my
favorite things...
that would describe the perfect
compliment.

i am in love with two men
two men that haven't a clue
or the time...
so i must entertain myself
with something else.

distorted desire.

te echo de menos.

what does that even mean to you? what does that say about my self worth? why am i putting so much time and effort and thought and love and passion and hope and future... into one soul?

because i know how to miss him.
i like how it feels
i like how it checks my pulse
and decides how i will
have this new found
energy... to make myself
better.

he is taken away from me; only temporarily i'm sure. this is to ensure that i properly find a better way to live my life alone; soon we will begin to create our life together. one step at a time. "patience, my dear".

#pokerface.

in an evening festivity of showing off the pieces
that i hold dear to me.
making sure to place all the glass




fuck.
he said the words to me during a poker game
i learned the craft of cards
texas hold'em to be exact
mike showed me the tricks
and i smoked a cigar
sometimes it feels good to gamble


"lunch money will come
lunch money will go"... mr. harrison said.

what a blessed evening, even if i didn't win a dime
i had an experience to last.

vivid.

framing the ideas together like perfectly placed wooden puzzle pieces...

i felt the flood of feelings of once was from the time when i was just a girl. just a little girl with her grandfather in a wood working shop. i will never forget this place. it will forever be a part of my nature.
the loud standing and grinding of the saw... the feel of the power of the tool. i remember all the dust... all the fittings and glue. he created well crafted ideas of toy boxes and rocking horses. i even helped him with the creation of the barbie mansion.
        three floors high the white doll house stood. nine rooms... nine different patters. the fictional point           of the story that was embellished with grandmother's sewing scraps. i would transform into matching bed spreads and curtains. the possibilities were endless in this house... wall paper was carefully chosen for each room. i remember the warm glow of the downstairs kitchen. it had the teal green carpet scrap from mimi's living room and the buttermilk color cream wall covering... tiny flowers scattered about. in the morning i could get the sun to hit just right; it looked like mimi's kitchen.

i beg your pardon but i think i have reached my limit for the thoughts of the day.

the next few will be filled with many, many surprises.
the time is now for my work to be seen
in LA.

mind palace.

where all of my things are stored.
i like to think of it as a compartmentalized
pyramid of thoughts
god being at the very top... each layer and room collecting
and sufficing the actualizations of what is really happening
in my head. like an Egyptian tomb; taking care to preserve each
treasure. i use context clues and a clarity about the universe to
try and guide my actions. lets not forget the small notes and
scribbles that i have come to rely on to remember the main
plot of my simple little story. each piece of the detail is what
i have come to love and to cherish. spending all of my time
in this imaginative, passionate place of contentment in power.

island girl.

call me your island girl
i'll take you away
smile with me here
life is too short to worry.

i'll be your island girl
escape life with me
let's go away together
and forget all our troubles.

a breath of fresh air
is just what you need
inspiration is what i need
you do that for me.

cross the sea to be with me
let's get lost in our life
take the journey
and expect only adventure.

come away with me
i'll be your island girl
stay with me here
don't let the wind steal you away.

august 31 2010

sunny side up.

the outcome looms among my distance, "but today is not tomorrow".

that is the point of the story.
to live in the now.
now is the time.
while we still have the ability
to make the reality that we perceive.


bored yet? not hardly, i am just uncertain of the imagination that i have been blessed with; she sees too much.
too much?

"stop being such a selfish bitch and get out there" screams the voice in my head.
then what?

funny how once in love... 
the world has a different
style. 

1.1.15

infinity.

i hurt my fingertips
now ache from pain
throbbing; numb from
the pressure i place
upon your skin.

'til death do us part.

life on the rocks.

after a sun drenched sandy beach trip, i can remember again what i really wanted to be a part of... the familiar face of a loved two blonde surfer girls that i used to see on the east side. being able to just "be" in the arms of a good friend. "we are going places"... yes ma'am we are. it is exactly the scene that i have seen before and hope to see again. laying along the rocky coast line, i will most likely never forget the miles that we walked along the coast. i can't explain the aquamarine clear waves... in awe of all the beauty i have craved all along.



how do you describe beauty?
today. my favorite day, i will forever remember this life and i will be able to make it work. get up early and live for coffee... of course i'll have time for art and fashion... but i love this lifestyle. lets make it work. thank god for my personal "motivational" lover.  she goes by lindsey.

      in abundance we are
    given puzzle pieces to
    place and arrange in a
         sort of fashion that
suits the personal agenda.
     others join in to help the displacement
of the "so thought" well groomed routine.
          mixing the colors and opening new
              perspectives to the grand ending.
       others let the corner pieces fall
                to the floor ____ lost until
best case scenario found amongst the
             rubble. soon only the center is
     undone and fittings become few but
             simply placed in perfect position.
       only a few blue but similar shapes
               are there to fill in the last gaps.
                               now you can see what
all the placement was for, all the angles
notches and rivets to create
                       the greater picture of
                          the finished scheme.

                               life as a puzzle.

to the heart of the matter.

the stroll downtown was that of a quick idea of just going to run an errand. it turned into a three hour conversation with mark... at the hat store on elm & 4th st. i made an impulse purchase of a lovely black hair with a silk bow. it reminded me of something that would be found in france in the '30s... it was all of twenty dollars which i happen to have... so i spent it. it ended up costing me hours of listening to a fifty year old italian man talk about his life... and his relationship with jesus. something told me that i had met him somewhere, long ago.. before i was here. i brought out a side of him that had to talk to me..
forever.
it felt like the stories would never cease to flow so eloquently about all the lessons i needed to acquire for the day. he walked me down the street and told me about the "past days". when fingerprints was a furniture store and the art store across the street was where it was all manufactured. now everything is outsourced. where is our money going? not to our future generations.
i learned of the jews and what it is like to travel to Israel; how if i ever go i have to walk barefoot in the sand... it would be a shame not to feel the energy. i tried my best to absorb and be attentive to all that he  was trying to tell me, my goodness he said that he felt like he had known me for a lifetime.
i suppose he does.

brilliant people are what i am beginning to attract.


one year ago i sat on a plane and sketched an entire idea. in the shapes of patterns and colors of fabric to drape elegantly along the body of a woman. i have everything thing i need, now i just have to apply my skills. irony is appealing.
in a setting of pure heaven on earth, i am elevated above the clouds with a perfect view in the presence of beauty. i want to stay here awhile. thank god i found the perfect hat to wear for the adventure. he has unimaginable plans in store.

besos.

then i fell in love with my life

asking for what shall come 

in the kingdom of God.

connecting all the congruent

lines that are my current rings

of interaction.

pleasure & pain are now at

a standstill; crossing all boundaries

in order to keep my composure.

blessed are those who see 

when one suffers in the low 

he begins to realize the high. 

i live in heaven, amen. 

"i wish you were close."
--- i said.

"your heart is heavy, breathe deep.. envision yourself doing what you love the most. nothing else matters... i am there when i'm not because i believe in you but most of all so should you."
--- said sir.sierra.

____angel olson.

she looked like a blend of two of my favorite people
funny story, they reside in asheville too.

i had high hopes of being able to just converse
with her after the show... like two normal people.

not as though we were far apart or separate from the
exact same cell structure... but as if we were two girls,
just people.

one girl called me a "tranny" tonight,
might have been the best compliment
i've had in quite a while... considering i was
going for a lennon circa 1957 style.

it is style that makes them self conscious
you either have it ... or you don't.

the ego's in the room tonight could've
taken down a lion, but i'm not one to
acknowledge their lack of powerlessness.

her voice had enough power to control
the audience as we stood in awe of her
lyrical genius. i would've rather danced
around... but it wasn't the place, nor time.

#unfucktheworld

films & the rain.

the most romantic of afternoon's i spend with this

dark-haired vixen. transcending through the height

of the day with each other in a weird arrangement

of tables and chairs. we over exaggerate the amount

of coffee we allow ourselves and listen to music loud 

enough to drown out the kids and car alarms. the 

entertainment was that of the rain showers and 

thunder clamors... in between moments of passion

seeping through the floor boards...

the theme of the films was that of a similar thread

in questioning and longing.. for the same sex. feeling

compassion in the moment i began to wonder...

is this the life of? the one i have fallen for. will

we just end up together in a whirl of remembering

our times with tea and your homemade lovely 

lunches; i adore the path that you wander.  you are

enough of a gentlemen to walk me home in the 

rain. down the oceanside coastline we laugh and 

almost have accidents in puddles. i notice the head

line of the paper of a guy running with an umbrella

"be careful" in the name of hurrying around. the

same room greets us and i try to refrain from kissing

you with the substitute of gin and juice. i have the 

urge to chain smoke and drink alcohol after a long

day of films from the 1960s. i am obscure in my ways

and fill us with the poison... but you don't kiss back 

when it is time to leave. the rain continues to fall

drips that have been going on for days... days as the 

world still moves along. now it is our time to move

along. our time together is like a limited supply of air.

                                 or the discontinuation of film.

limbo.

another day one of the month
and here i am skipping what
i felt was important to me

sleep is my youthful enemy
and i don't "need" it
i just escape with it.

i ESCAPE with SLEEP.

but it feels good to go into
my colorful realm where
the world doesn't bring me
down.

in an introverted attempt
to be a social person...
i have failed this saturday
morning.

now i prepare to set myself
back further and further from
my "goals".

shall we redefine them?
i am giving myself two more
weeks here, then i will reevaluate
the situation.

perhaps this game of limbo
has knocked me down a
notch and it is time to just lay
down and relax ...
to reclaim my joy
on the island i call home.