Pretend

I know how to be your friend. You won't have to pretend around me.  It's a wild feeling.. Being hooked.  Without the hope of love, what is the meaning? Music is the meaning now, it causes me to have to give ... Nothing. Instead I receive the feeling of pleasure, to know his song is for me. 

I could waste my time better... Mom said I haven't felt happiness since middle school age.. I remember slightly. I'd rather sit outside and paint.. I haven't much interest in being "social"; only if it has to do with my art.. Selfish. 

I'm always looking for something. Lost in this masquerade. The purpose is pleasant... I haven't a clue now.  Lost inside this lonely game we play.  

Once you write something... It has nothing to do with you anymore.  I believe this, heard about it last night.  I don't even believe that it is me writing, I just believe that it has to come out and needs to be heard.  Whether I'm dead or alive, someone needs to hear it. Perhaps fifty years from now she stumbles across it.. Then she understands. All of my life will be worth it. This moment of reflection reminds me of a time when I read words that saved me. 

empty glass full.

Now is the time to stop and listen. What is that sound?  Live music always brings me back to life. Especially when it is meant for my ears only.  I want to slow down and breathe in the essence of what is happening.  Unfortunately I just keep going ... Faster.

The sights to see.  A familiar taste, the left coast. Seeing the surfers and ocean  motion reminded me that it will be alright. A few new sights and some positive ions; does  wonders with the soul. A new side of life, time to flip the cassette. 

Conversations with silence. Then thoughts to music.  A jazzy string quartet was the entertainment, a cup of jasmine tea.  Sounds marvelous. It is refreshing to see civilized humans admiring talent.  The uniqueness of the band was lovely, the company was smart.  I'm into genius currently, flattered with lost souls earlier, now I'm interested in the discovery of brilliance.  It's going to take a team of people, not just one, to build walls of wisdom with me. Several great minds, each one bringing a notion to the table.  Change is going to be the answer. 

"Once you set your mind to something, the body is soon to follow."-Matthew Stewart 

He sang songs of love and following your desire. There is something calming about the repetitive trance his style placed me in.  The strings danced around and gave me visions of the salsa number with him.  The contact of our eyes and skin, leaking out bits of saline and hidden emotion... The passion.  I lust after it for the time being.  Body language speaks volumes.

Discovery. Rest and music.  Rinse and repeat.  Feelings of empty.. Give it back to me, let me feel again.  The song by ray lamontange says it best.. "I've been to hell and back so many times you kinda bore me."  This speaks for me now, the fact I was able to hear it live.. Acoustic .. A blessing in disguise. I've been revived, the sound waves and ocean salt felt like home.