September 2012

the hope that humans are one

Loving soul connected by a spirit

That love can move mountains

And god created the world

That we can love each other

Truly and accept the hurt from others

That the faith keeps us grounded

And safe in vicious times.

The earth is a temporary haven

For good souls to convince

Others to join along...

Earth is their hell. Even then

They choose to not believe 

Sun tasted so good...

Until the last bite. It hurts.

Crawls up your spine and convinces 

You to look at the dark

Corners of people's souls...

Bringing out chaos and trauma

The pain hurts us here on earth

The lighter days are ahead of us

Where we will run with our father

Once again children... Of God. 

12.21.12

Life is full of ever changing variables. change is enviable, guaranteed. Very few things are guaranteed,  promise nothing. A few select breathes, and death. An ending is promised, even foretold. The epilogue to the story, all the books. Most people dont listen until you are gone. If I can have them hear while I am alive.. More power. But I'm not concerned either way. I have much work to do.

Another day in my quiet paradise. I am very thankful for this stillness before it is a whirlwind. I am sure it will get wild, worth the lack of oxygen and rest. The sunglasses are an important side of business. I must dress and act the part of success before I will ever become it. 

Without money ... Free falling into the future. It's a gamble you take. I risk a lot of things daily now. Sometimes my safety, sometimes my pride. I'm trying to be as graceful as I can. This is all the gift. 

So I step back and look around. Not a bad view. I'm excited for the morning. The inspiration, the attention to detail. The ending was predicted for today, but no one had time to worry about it. I pray to god that an ending does come, to the current state of our world. A bright future lies ahead. One that reminds me of my childhood. 

Bravely done.

Everything seems late.  I haven't had much connection. So progress slowed down. I had to escape from the heavy weight of what was holding me back. The fear of being alone. 

Never let me go. -Florence and the machine. 

 And the arms of the ocean are carrying me

And all this devotion was rushing out of me

In the crushes of heaven for a sinner like me

But the arms of the ocean delivered me

Though the pressure's hard to take

It's the only way I can escape

It seems a heavy choice to make

And now I am under all

 I smile because today is beautiful. I noticed that alone is what I missed that most. I just needed the time to hear silence and not have someone ...  

When the sounds end.. The ocean continues.  I am never alone. The sea is always calling, the breeze dancing. 

 I need to have more faith in humans. We all have our issues. In a model of corrupt.. Our country was based on rebellion and most important, freedom... now no one is free, we are constantly monitored and controlled by a higher power.  They have us locked into what seems like an undeniably failing project.

So how does something so filthy change?  

I can only guess a crisis of compassion.  We've lost love and the passion for living. I look at the faces to see only blank stares. Very emotionless human bodies floating.

Pretend

I know how to be your friend. You won't have to pretend around me.  It's a wild feeling.. Being hooked.  Without the hope of love, what is the meaning? Music is the meaning now, it causes me to have to give ... Nothing. Instead I receive the feeling of pleasure, to know his song is for me. 

I could waste my time better... Mom said I haven't felt happiness since middle school age.. I remember slightly. I'd rather sit outside and paint.. I haven't much interest in being "social"; only if it has to do with my art.. Selfish. 

I'm always looking for something. Lost in this masquerade. The purpose is pleasant... I haven't a clue now.  Lost inside this lonely game we play.  

Once you write something... It has nothing to do with you anymore.  I believe this, heard about it last night.  I don't even believe that it is me writing, I just believe that it has to come out and needs to be heard.  Whether I'm dead or alive, someone needs to hear it. Perhaps fifty years from now she stumbles across it.. Then she understands. All of my life will be worth it. This moment of reflection reminds me of a time when I read words that saved me. 

Do you believe in magic?

In a young girls heart 

It can free her

Whenever it starts

I'll tell you about the magic

It'll free your soul

But it's like trying to tell a stranger 'bout rock and roll.

-the lovin' spoonful

Where to begin? The red and black streaks remind me that hell is sometimes upon us.. At other times you can glimpse at heaven.  When you jump back and forth is when you begin to notice the difference. You begin to see the bright and appreciate the security and comfort of the familiar. 

I'm beginning to notice that money isn't the meaning. When money  is the meaning it makes life pointless. When life is pointless you become hopeless. Once hopeless you can't find happiness... Then you create a negative space.

Where should I look now? I have several options. I should keep the doors open but I don't have any interest in other doors right now. Only a few of the already 'cracked' ones draw my attention.  I'll just look around. I need to stay focused on the moment. But I never will. My head hurts. I'm exhausted now and can't look anymore. I need silence to rest my eyes. 

last day.

the instance when all the space is occupied with flesh, not one inch went to waste.  it was a good feeling to be one with another... the skin of our numb bodies together in an action of sorts.  i'm not sure where we were going with this.. but the feeling was priceless.
all the songs added together... unfortunately i was being strange and don't remember any of them.  i also was so distracted that my black tank and leather leggings were the least of my worries.  instead i traveled around with the fur and sound... writing poems on the kitchen floor.  at three am ... offers bounds of inspiration.  too bad all feelings hurt.. even the tears are like needles that stab deep into the soul.  i'm just no longer even interested in looking at other souls.  for no one... the dress up game is for you.  the mystery of material.  the love source of alittle lace... the instance when you realize that the bra you decided to wear is just a bit uncomfortable and a few scars will never stop you...

(excerpt from the lingerie diary)

sly fox.

the thing about three am
you never know what will happen
in a land of darkness
and lost streets.
miike snow made an appearance
it was two steps away from
the light that led me away...
the furthest from a clear stance.
infatuation is a more relevant description of life on the high land.
if u could see the eyes
i would.. then quickly press pause
to rest.  its a stunning moment to
realize the unrealistic.  today was a breath of fresh air.. the second day when the white flare is too much and
really just the thought of him & water
is enough. two in the morning doesnt seem that far away... i dont want to deal with it... its something when just "one song"
is enough to hold me down.

(12.2.12)

The anger of being uncomfortable... "That means you are doing something." I'm upset because I'm over it.. As much fun as it should be... I'd rather just do it all alone sometimes. It is just who I am. Not everyone can be so happy... The world would be lame if that were the case. We'd all just smile and get along. Instead I would rather be angry. It is going to toughen  the skin that I own. The skin that is thin... I just want an actual companion now.. Instead of drunken lost souls. Alcohol makes things a mess. He must be able to be sober with me. Being drunk isn't a good look. Seeing it on her made me realize what a waste...

I pray he comes soon, I'm starting to lose faith that I even deserve anyone to hold. Someone who is quiet and understands that brilliance is far beyond words. It is a sense of calm in the chaos. It is understanding the world... It is understanding yourself and standing your ground.  It is stopping to breathe... The fresh air that renews us, even if all of your friends would just rather pollute your surroundings. God please clean the air.   

novelty.

"No wonder lovers talk all night or walk till dawn, write extravagant poetry and self-revealing e-mails, cross continents or oceans to hug for just a weekend, change jobs or lifestyles, even die for one another. Drenched in chemicals that bestow focus, stamina and vigor, and driven by the motivating engine of the brain, lovers succumb to a Herculean courting urge."-helen fisher

it's the love that is changing everything.  i have noticed that it is the difference in excitement and sleep.  honestly if there is no chance in seeing him... i'd rather just rest.  i have a lot to accomplish without him...

now i just focus on the music.  i focus on the chords, the nerves and the lyrics.  

recent studies showed that listening to your favorite music has a similar effect on your brain as other pleasure-inducing activities like having sex.

MRI and PET scans reveal that when you listen to music that excites you, your brain releases dopamine during the most exciting moments of the song and even in anticipation of those moments.

i suppose that is why i enjoy music so much.. i listen to it at any moment of the day.  it's what keeps me awake, revamps my life.  forever... i could listen to the songs.  the songs he sings to me... one day. i'll have my own soundtrack.

research shows that love opens doors of the brain... it allows us to relax and really begin to dive deep into the realms of creativity that otherwise you would be too distracted to realize.  it's tough to slow down enough... the black and white creativity.  he has to sleep with the tv on.  i had to turn it off.  the noise is just nonsense... at least we focused on the comedy of classics. 

Dr. Fisher offers three key components of love, involving different but connected brain systems:

• Lust — driven by androgens and estrogens, the craving for sexual gratification
• Attraction — driven by high dopamine and norepinephrine levels and low serotonin, romantic or passionate love, characterized by euphoria when things are going well, terrible mood swings when they’re not, focused attention, obsessive thinking, and intense craving for the individual
• Attachment — driven by the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin, the sense of calm, peace, and stability one feels with a long-term partner

She goes on to point out that serotonin-enhancing antidepressants also inhibit other evolutionary adaptive mechanisms for mate selection, such as orgasm.

i just enjoy my alone time.  the time i have to be quiet.  i hope he knows quiet with me... i hope he enjoys that silent lust too.  the attraction is what we are creating.  the attachment is what we grow old with.

Just consider how much learning happens when you choose a mate. Along with thrilling dependency comes glimpsing the world through another’s eyes; forsaking some habits and adopting others (good or bad); tasting new ideas, rituals, foods or landscapes; a slew of added friends and family; a tapestry of physical intimacy and affection; and many other catalysts, including a tornadic blast of attraction and attachment hormones — all of which revamp the brain. 

If you’re in a healthy relationship, holding your partner’s hand is enough to subdue your blood pressure, ease your response to stress, improve your health and soften physical pain. We alter one another’s physiology and neural functions.

During idylls of safety, when your brain knows you’re with someone you can trust, it needn’t waste precious resources coping with stressors or menace. Instead it may spend its lifeblood learning new things or fine-tuning the process of healing. Its doors of perception swing wide open. The flip side is that, given how vulnerable one then is, love lessons — sweet or villainous — can make a deep impression. Wedded hearts change everything, even the brain.

-the brain on love, diane ackerman

so i understand a bit more.  the worry is natural.  the love is becoming... i just need to experience a new level now.  with both of our talents... we will be able to discover even the smallest realms.  i can feel it.  both of us are weird animals.. ones that delve deep into the sea of odd.  we are the epidemy of awkward.  he thinks the same about himself.  now if only he could except that a bizarre bird like me could be the one for him.  i believe in monogamy... do you?

thoughts.  everything is about to be new.  i am ready.  i would imagine that this is how dying feels.  except i'm filled with the excitement from joy of the detour.  it gave me extra time.  to see friends and family.  i needed to learn a few more things before i left this island.  this place of childhood.  i'm walking away from it now...   i'm so thankful the sun is out.  it makes the air feel clean and revitalizing. i sat on the deck today to meditate. quickly... not much time.  i'll miss this, but the sun will follow me where ever i go.

only hours left.  i'm feeling overwhelmed with clothing.  i love clothes.  a little too much... they are just merely material, but i see so much potential in each one now that it is time to eliminate.  i see use for it in california, i hope anyway.  i'll learn to pack light later, maybe i'll just sell everything.  this is the life that i chose.  i chose to have this freedom to pack a bag (ha several bags) and leave.  this is really the beginning of something new... not the end at all.

im saving my emotion and energy now.  i must stay calm for a few weeks and just take all of this in.  the land. the country. the music. the love. spreading the love.  then when i get to california i want to learn.  learn until i just have to sleep for a few days.  take it all in.  i need to hear piano music soon.  from a human that is with me. you get just one day at a time.

scars.

they add interest.  it was the best worst mistake of my life.  i would say more of a defense mechanism.  it's exhausting having all the attention.  what about anonymous for a change.  at least i don't tower over everyone, wow she is beautiful.  i did it because i was frustrated and over it.  done with all the needs, the wants... nothing ever fit.  it happened so suddenly & i like pain.  i like absence and the fact that i could be away from everyone for awhile, experiment with drugs.  the dreams were strange, should've written about them.  i enjoy change as much i love control.  its a wild card really... now i'm completely different... at least they look at me less now.  before i was an object of sexual desire... now i blend in a bit more.  i guess less is more... the weight is gone.


i was tired.  the day was cold and long.  now i discuss all the options with myself, what am i really doing? at any moment i could just say stop... but i must go.  it hurts.  a good hurt.  the end, that last one.  this years love will be filled with forever.  i can finally feel it.  i would give up all my evil to be with him.  she asked me if i was sad today... not quite, just pondering what i'm really doing with my life.  are my intentions good? sometimes i feel like i can't go on.  i'd rather just stop and participate in the never-ending cycle... or i could sleep in a different place every night.  i love variety.  i like to see something different.  breathe.  i've forgotten how for a few minutes.  i caught myself stopping.  it's wild to think that your body knows and understands more than you.  yet the brain is in  control.  like life... you think you know what you are doing...  only God knows.