Lion.

If I could work up the courage to just say something. I've heard nerves will paralyze you... Stop you in you tracks. I don't know why I'm having these feelings. I think I've been here before. 

Seeing a year from now is grand. It will be the day I say I do... Then we will celebrate with our friends the new year. One year ago I was planning my life out exactly how it happened. I made it happen. Proof that I can make it all happen... 

Crazy lady. The new year for me symbolizes change. Something completely and utterly new. Yet somehow it is completely familiar.  This is my year to love those around me, we all need it. It is a time to spread beauty. It is a year to visit home and also visit friends around the world. It is a year to make a name for myself. A year to discover new music and new talent. I am very excited now. 

I'm going to meet a few of the 'right' people soon.. Actually I've already met them. I know them, now I just need time with them. The eve of the new year. This year was amazing. More than I could ever imagine. More than the average person can fathom. Could've been a movie... One day a book. 

So here's to the last day of 2012. The year we were all supposed to die. The end of the earth. I believe it was the end... Silently. The end of a society that seeks freedom... But was blinded by greed. The end of capitalism... I hope to see this "new" world. I'll at least witness the cusp of it. The silver lining that shines where we can live naturally and freely. Without control from the corrupt power of today. Our nation cries out now... The remainder are zombies. I hope that something can bring them back to life... I know the feeling. His music did it for me. 

Let me give you some support.

Keeping a secret is tough. I've already said enough. I still haven't a clue but I can feel it better now. I am that much closer to the dreams. I get frustrated just talking about something. I have to do things. 

When is the time to leave? I don't know, but I know that this is going to be fun. I have a few years to play around and see how much I can travel. See the sights and write the words that will improve the world. I haven't lost hope quite yet...

The first one was beautiful. Wonderful. Exactly who I am looking for. It will be wonderful to see the world from the other side. I am strong enough now. I am ready to breathe and settle in. I found a picture I'm imaging in my life. Lennon and liberty. Music and art. The vision of light. I've seen her before.. We met somewhere on the east. She was by the sea swimming with the dolphins. The waves. The Sunday trips to rodanthe chasing waves ... Who knew we'd never see that road again. The view was priceless every single time. It was so perfect ... a thin bubble like glass that was about to fall to the ground and shatter. All the timing was exactly right. The summer thunderstorms and back porch picnic dinners... I have ended those times; panic in my head as i realize too much. I am at risk always. It may kill me, it may save me. I must ask for forgiveness. I pray that someone saves me.  

Alternate ending.

I didn't expect to part with her so soon, but our paths separated. She doesn't see her path, so she goes about constantly discovering new.  I have to stop here and make a life. I need a place. I need space. 

Lesson learned. Life changed in an instant. Envision a new outcome, new future. Keeps me on my toes. Thank goodness I stretch, else I wouldn't be so flexible. I have seen all this before, I can feel the "deja vu". 

So I think I'm in the right path. Wandering along, it's dark now. Led  strictly on faith. Trying to trust my instincts. It feels good to be released.

I am a troubled soul though. The world weighs on me, it's not an easy life. As it appears from the outside. There is more responsibility than I even realize. To keep my mind. Health and body balanced. It is the basis behind my career. My life goals. I have a feeling it's going to be a lonely life... Yet full of so many relationships... I just can't keep them long. The dependence is too much for me now because my task is.. Unknown. So I must stay prepared. 

So the saga continues... Just when you think it is done. It's never done. Or over  I suppose. 

Can the crazy please leave

My body for just a day

And let me see like all

The other mindless souls

Wandering this earth

Naive to the power they posses.

So they cling to other

Beauty on the outside

Tricking those who aren't paying

Attention to detail.

Release this tension

That won't leave my shoulders

Carrying too much weight for 

One small girl to handle.

Christmas Day.

This day represents family and an uncontrolled excitement for the gifts. Gifts of family and really good food. We would travel together and listen to Christmas music, mom loves it. She also gave us the love of the grinch. cindy lou who. I have a sense of alone today. 

I am going to face my fears. One at a time. Some days several at a time.  I need to converse more. Perhaps take it as far as being social... I've become so accustomed and content with my own company.  I can spend hours... Even days alone. It's not the happiest times. But at least I'm free from other people's needs and wants. 

"You might find more comfort in the people you left behind." Marie - the critters

For now I'm searching for comfort in the familiar. Familiar sounds, feelings, voices. The rhythm of a song... a lyric. Anything. I'm grabbing everything I can. 

Quietly resting and hiding away. I just can't see what I am so upset about. I'm just not confident in myself. I haven't satisfaction anymore. Selfish. 

I'm just guarded and reserved. Perhaps others should protect themselves better, save themselves the exhaustion of people constantly taking.

So today I pray for happiness. I pray for the sheer joy of achieving my goal. Merry Christmas to myself. I moved to California to make a new life. Away from everything I absolutely love. All of it. I have a busy year ahead of me. But once I figure it out here... I can be both places. Pain is only temporary. 

Sage.

( noun)

a profoundly wise person; a person famed for wisdom.

someone venerated for the possession of wisdom, judgment, and experience.

- adjective

wise, judicious, or prudent: sage advice.

Listening to music breathes life into me. Their love gives me hope. So far I've received all I've asked for. I didn't I know I would feel such pain. Such sadness and despair, I am relieved that I can't actually predict the future.  But the options overwhelm me, that is what brought me here.

So I stay alone a few days and hear my thoughts again. I come to terms that Christmas will be spent alone. I have accepted the idea, it sounds relaxing after the past few wild weeks. The separation from society seems refreshing. I actually want it now, the ocean. That is mine to have now... So off to see good friends, family actually, in Vegas. These two boys mean the world to me. Since we were fourteen they have drove me mad. But they have always taken care of me. They love me. I am the strong woman I am today because of all those boys. 

The morning was nice, you wouldn't know by all the tears. I have so much emotion. Just crying. It's ok to cry. It may be a sign of weakness, but it shows that you are human...then you have a revaluation of your life; yoga. 

On the cliff, bare winter trees allow the sun to actually bath you in energy. The view is breathtaking. I fell in love. I was thankful to be there. The clouds were pale, the colors will stick with me. Cool dark blue tones, those right before or after the storm. Tears streamed down my face while I practiced, breathing. The release of the tension. The healing power that you and the earth have. Together. I felt comfortable to let the saline stream fall, it gave  me a different energy that allowed me to move forward. Towards the end, I felt like a child, laughing and massaging  my feet, letting go of the past. All the trials. All the walking. The distance from me now is further. 

I wanted to say thank you after, I was grateful for the beautiful red head, brine, that graced my life and helped make me smile.  A woman of grace and power. Confident and very free from stress or pain. One day I will be her again. I noticed immediately after... a guy, nothing special... I felt that I needed to meet him. Minutes later I spoke up, and he said all the right things. All the things I needed to hear. He was curious. "It took a lot of strength to do what you just did". I wonder if he saw the sadness... I laughed. He was sad about how he missed his past and who he used to be.. But he realized that he already had that. He was happy he had it, now it is time to grow. He said it was the best and perfect time to show up to the west coast. The new world is upon us. I feel the heaviness of that wave, I've experienced it in a way that words will never describe, but that is life. I want to be a part of this movement in a way that no one understands. I want change and to make a difference. I want to be creative and balanced in life.  

I do see these visions of light everyday. I see them so perfectly. So epically that I have faith in my life. This new world I just discovered. Now to be discovered. Then I can make a change. 

Famous 

(adjective)

--having a widespread reputation, usually of a favorable nature; renowned; celebrated: a famous writer.

--Informal.  first-rate; excellent: The singer gave a famous performance.

--notorious (used pejoratively).

I'm only satisfied when I'm going somewhere... So I need to be able to move. To escape. To explore. That takes time, but I tasted it. As long as I have a few weeks.. Even just days to rest and be still.. Then I'm anxious to move again. I am blessed that this is my calling. I wished to be in an airport. Here I go...

Bravely done.

Everything seems late.  I haven't had much connection. So progress slowed down. I had to escape from the heavy weight of what was holding me back. The fear of being alone. 

Never let me go. -Florence and the machine. 

 And the arms of the ocean are carrying me

And all this devotion was rushing out of me

In the crushes of heaven for a sinner like me

But the arms of the ocean delivered me

Though the pressure's hard to take

It's the only way I can escape

It seems a heavy choice to make

And now I am under all

 I smile because today is beautiful. I noticed that alone is what I missed that most. I just needed the time to hear silence and not have someone ...  

When the sounds end.. The ocean continues.  I am never alone. The sea is always calling, the breeze dancing. 

 I need to have more faith in humans. We all have our issues. In a model of corrupt.. Our country was based on rebellion and most important, freedom... now no one is free, we are constantly monitored and controlled by a higher power.  They have us locked into what seems like an undeniably failing project.

So how does something so filthy change?  

I can only guess a crisis of compassion.  We've lost love and the passion for living. I look at the faces to see only blank stares. Very emotionless human bodies floating.

Kansas. 2.3.12

"Can you teach me how to dance ... real slow".  

Thirteen hours across the flat and open fields, the piece of America that is still unoccupied. The land generates wind power... Their majestic silhouettes grace the curves of central Kansas. It's a beautiful day, feels like spring. It's brighter out here, the air is clean and simple. I imagine the small population is as well. I found my dream plantation home out there... Acres of green grass, trees and a few old barns.  Perhaps I wish to raise all six children in the middle of an innocent land, one where I can enhance their isolation; it makes for an imaginative mind.  I want to put brilliance out into this world.. It must be the responsibility of someone, our world is  struggling. Frantically searching for a great mind. One that will make all the difference. 

Dreams-the chance to step out of reality and see color and light. Unfortunately not everyone can see. For I once was lost... But now I am found.

I can imagine a bit of an outcome now. One that is a new world. A new place in time... A new career.  I have big plans for my life now. It's a now or never kinda thing.  At twenty five.. I am now leaving my home to make a name for myself... Change a life... Build an empire.  It just takes a few of the greatest minds to combine... Become a family and then they can be something. Something that is what everyone needs. 

The past few days have been a roller coaster of emotion.  A lot of spontaneous gestures.. I'm a slow changing chameleon. Nonetheless I adjust. I guess it comes from years of siblings... Sisters even.  Quite an accomplishment to survive that childhood.  The hormones and rage.. The love and beauty.  I have become inspired from leaving everything that I adore... 

The west coast will be an unexpected moment, when I do actually arrive. The sun will shine, the opportunities loom. Tea party with my Ali cat, maybe even a sushi date.  I need to focus on me.. My crazy/fantastical life.. It's not anyone's business but my own.   He will recognize me one day, from across a very large and dark room. I pray sooner than later... But I doubt.  Until then I have a few songs that remind me of his voice.  And dreams to remember our bodies together. Why does it always come back to this? Why is it that we just need to be held? To be needed? "Crash into me". DMB 

i will follow you into the dark

                       - death cab for cutie

       leaves (2002) -    leaves fall to the ground like tears
                       covering the grass
                       a naked tree stands alone.

the last night in my bed at home.  this place is full of memories... the fun times with my family.  the late night music sessions... the alone time, paintings... the loudest music.  i found myself here in this place.  lucky for me my father built me a beach house instead of a tree house.  he feeds the birds... i loved hearing them in the mornings.  the late nights and struggles to get to work on time.  the responsibility of living alone... i was a young twenty with a real job. plus two other jobs...  late nights and early mornings.    i'm so thankful i could get to work by the oceanside road.  i am happy for the wonderful time, but a world awaits me.  this one was ever so perfect.

Oh I wanna dance with somebody,
I wanna feel the heat.
Yeah I wanna dance with somebody,
With somebody who loves me.
Somebody who loves me,
To hold me in his arms.
I need a man who'll take a chance,
On a love that burns hot enough to last.
So when the night falls,
My lonely heart calls.
dance with somebody - whitney houston

so i have a blank canvas now.  i am the artist standing there... still for awhile.  waiting for the spell to be cast... the spell that causes all my paint to spill & create the shapes and designs that i fall in love with.  artwork worth the time.  that changes perspective. that alter egos... that is remembered.  the brilliance of  being an artist.  it eventually will consume your life.  it's a chance you take, but once you are in... you are in for life.  i'm diving deep for this challenge.  you only get one life... i'm not the type to play it safe.  

i want more.  i need more at this point in my life.  twenty five years later and i'm her.  i'm who i pretended to be all along.  i created her as a child.  now i stand in front of a mirror and stare.  she is... me?  i love her.  i'm absolutely in love with her.  so now i must go... she must see the world.  share the love that is possible for all of us.  i'll meet my dark side soon enough.  for now i'll get a good night's sleep in my california king.  i'll dream of my king one last night here on the island.  then to higher ground.  from sea to mountains. i will follow you. 

thoughts.  everything is about to be new.  i am ready.  i would imagine that this is how dying feels.  except i'm filled with the excitement from joy of the detour.  it gave me extra time.  to see friends and family.  i needed to learn a few more things before i left this island.  this place of childhood.  i'm walking away from it now...   i'm so thankful the sun is out.  it makes the air feel clean and revitalizing. i sat on the deck today to meditate. quickly... not much time.  i'll miss this, but the sun will follow me where ever i go.

only hours left.  i'm feeling overwhelmed with clothing.  i love clothes.  a little too much... they are just merely material, but i see so much potential in each one now that it is time to eliminate.  i see use for it in california, i hope anyway.  i'll learn to pack light later, maybe i'll just sell everything.  this is the life that i chose.  i chose to have this freedom to pack a bag (ha several bags) and leave.  this is really the beginning of something new... not the end at all.

im saving my emotion and energy now.  i must stay calm for a few weeks and just take all of this in.  the land. the country. the music. the love. spreading the love.  then when i get to california i want to learn.  learn until i just have to sleep for a few days.  take it all in.  i need to hear piano music soon.  from a human that is with me. you get just one day at a time.

scars.

they add interest.  it was the best worst mistake of my life.  i would say more of a defense mechanism.  it's exhausting having all the attention.  what about anonymous for a change.  at least i don't tower over everyone, wow she is beautiful.  i did it because i was frustrated and over it.  done with all the needs, the wants... nothing ever fit.  it happened so suddenly & i like pain.  i like absence and the fact that i could be away from everyone for awhile, experiment with drugs.  the dreams were strange, should've written about them.  i enjoy change as much i love control.  its a wild card really... now i'm completely different... at least they look at me less now.  before i was an object of sexual desire... now i blend in a bit more.  i guess less is more... the weight is gone.


i was tired.  the day was cold and long.  now i discuss all the options with myself, what am i really doing? at any moment i could just say stop... but i must go.  it hurts.  a good hurt.  the end, that last one.  this years love will be filled with forever.  i can finally feel it.  i would give up all my evil to be with him.  she asked me if i was sad today... not quite, just pondering what i'm really doing with my life.  are my intentions good? sometimes i feel like i can't go on.  i'd rather just stop and participate in the never-ending cycle... or i could sleep in a different place every night.  i love variety.  i like to see something different.  breathe.  i've forgotten how for a few minutes.  i caught myself stopping.  it's wild to think that your body knows and understands more than you.  yet the brain is in  control.  like life... you think you know what you are doing...  only God knows.

thank you for the surprise.

"you gotta hold on...you gotta wait". -hold on, alabama shakes

when you step back in time to the place where you grew up.  it takes you down a notch, reminds you who you are.  the dark winding roads bring me peace.  reminds me of my coffee and music tours through the country side. discovering the connections, learning the back way.  i found a pier at the very end of the county.  the road literally ran straight into the river.  there is a graveyard and a few quiet houses.  i used to disappear there and breathe.  listening to the birds and tiny water drops. alone. my favorite time.  this was before digital cameras, before cell devices. this is when you could really just drive away and get lost.  but somehow being that lost... that's where i found peace.  i never took a boy here, thought about it... guess it worked out for the best.  it was my place.  the only special one i considered... we grew up next door... we played in the band.  i hadn't seen him in almost a year, way too many days ago.  his presence calms me, something about making up the storyline to a spanish soap opera is the most fun i've had in a few days.  that's what love is... so thankful.