12.21.12

Life is full of ever changing variables. change is enviable, guaranteed. Very few things are guaranteed,  promise nothing. A few select breathes, and death. An ending is promised, even foretold. The epilogue to the story, all the books. Most people dont listen until you are gone. If I can have them hear while I am alive.. More power. But I'm not concerned either way. I have much work to do.

Another day in my quiet paradise. I am very thankful for this stillness before it is a whirlwind. I am sure it will get wild, worth the lack of oxygen and rest. The sunglasses are an important side of business. I must dress and act the part of success before I will ever become it. 

Without money ... Free falling into the future. It's a gamble you take. I risk a lot of things daily now. Sometimes my safety, sometimes my pride. I'm trying to be as graceful as I can. This is all the gift. 

So I step back and look around. Not a bad view. I'm excited for the morning. The inspiration, the attention to detail. The ending was predicted for today, but no one had time to worry about it. I pray to god that an ending does come, to the current state of our world. A bright future lies ahead. One that reminds me of my childhood. 

Kansas. 2.3.12

"Can you teach me how to dance ... real slow".  

Thirteen hours across the flat and open fields, the piece of America that is still unoccupied. The land generates wind power... Their majestic silhouettes grace the curves of central Kansas. It's a beautiful day, feels like spring. It's brighter out here, the air is clean and simple. I imagine the small population is as well. I found my dream plantation home out there... Acres of green grass, trees and a few old barns.  Perhaps I wish to raise all six children in the middle of an innocent land, one where I can enhance their isolation; it makes for an imaginative mind.  I want to put brilliance out into this world.. It must be the responsibility of someone, our world is  struggling. Frantically searching for a great mind. One that will make all the difference. 

Dreams-the chance to step out of reality and see color and light. Unfortunately not everyone can see. For I once was lost... But now I am found.

I can imagine a bit of an outcome now. One that is a new world. A new place in time... A new career.  I have big plans for my life now. It's a now or never kinda thing.  At twenty five.. I am now leaving my home to make a name for myself... Change a life... Build an empire.  It just takes a few of the greatest minds to combine... Become a family and then they can be something. Something that is what everyone needs. 

The past few days have been a roller coaster of emotion.  A lot of spontaneous gestures.. I'm a slow changing chameleon. Nonetheless I adjust. I guess it comes from years of siblings... Sisters even.  Quite an accomplishment to survive that childhood.  The hormones and rage.. The love and beauty.  I have become inspired from leaving everything that I adore... 

The west coast will be an unexpected moment, when I do actually arrive. The sun will shine, the opportunities loom. Tea party with my Ali cat, maybe even a sushi date.  I need to focus on me.. My crazy/fantastical life.. It's not anyone's business but my own.   He will recognize me one day, from across a very large and dark room. I pray sooner than later... But I doubt.  Until then I have a few songs that remind me of his voice.  And dreams to remember our bodies together. Why does it always come back to this? Why is it that we just need to be held? To be needed? "Crash into me". DMB 

thoughts.  everything is about to be new.  i am ready.  i would imagine that this is how dying feels.  except i'm filled with the excitement from joy of the detour.  it gave me extra time.  to see friends and family.  i needed to learn a few more things before i left this island.  this place of childhood.  i'm walking away from it now...   i'm so thankful the sun is out.  it makes the air feel clean and revitalizing. i sat on the deck today to meditate. quickly... not much time.  i'll miss this, but the sun will follow me where ever i go.

only hours left.  i'm feeling overwhelmed with clothing.  i love clothes.  a little too much... they are just merely material, but i see so much potential in each one now that it is time to eliminate.  i see use for it in california, i hope anyway.  i'll learn to pack light later, maybe i'll just sell everything.  this is the life that i chose.  i chose to have this freedom to pack a bag (ha several bags) and leave.  this is really the beginning of something new... not the end at all.

im saving my emotion and energy now.  i must stay calm for a few weeks and just take all of this in.  the land. the country. the music. the love. spreading the love.  then when i get to california i want to learn.  learn until i just have to sleep for a few days.  take it all in.  i need to hear piano music soon.  from a human that is with me. you get just one day at a time.

scars.

they add interest.  it was the best worst mistake of my life.  i would say more of a defense mechanism.  it's exhausting having all the attention.  what about anonymous for a change.  at least i don't tower over everyone, wow she is beautiful.  i did it because i was frustrated and over it.  done with all the needs, the wants... nothing ever fit.  it happened so suddenly & i like pain.  i like absence and the fact that i could be away from everyone for awhile, experiment with drugs.  the dreams were strange, should've written about them.  i enjoy change as much i love control.  its a wild card really... now i'm completely different... at least they look at me less now.  before i was an object of sexual desire... now i blend in a bit more.  i guess less is more... the weight is gone.


i was tired.  the day was cold and long.  now i discuss all the options with myself, what am i really doing? at any moment i could just say stop... but i must go.  it hurts.  a good hurt.  the end, that last one.  this years love will be filled with forever.  i can finally feel it.  i would give up all my evil to be with him.  she asked me if i was sad today... not quite, just pondering what i'm really doing with my life.  are my intentions good? sometimes i feel like i can't go on.  i'd rather just stop and participate in the never-ending cycle... or i could sleep in a different place every night.  i love variety.  i like to see something different.  breathe.  i've forgotten how for a few minutes.  i caught myself stopping.  it's wild to think that your body knows and understands more than you.  yet the brain is in  control.  like life... you think you know what you are doing...  only God knows.

i'd rather dance with you.

i'm bored with words.  i create them so well its become annoying.  i'm just pretending, creating the entire scenario... i'm ready for some touch.  i want to feel it in my soul.

the perfect day was yesterday.  all my favorite elements.  it was so overwhelmingly beautiful that i cried.  all the pieces i'm beginning to find them.  it makes sense.  he is right. "i'm absolutely ridiculous". i'm just hopeful... i hugged her and cried.  we don't cry much together, we don't really even chatter much.  what we say is important.  she is my best friend, everything i strive to be.  everything that i strive to become.  she is a mysterious woman.  one that gives out all her love, she is so beautiful... so absolutely brilliant.  she has amazing taste in music and the entertaining arts. she is mother and she is why i am this sliver of light.

"dancing with the beast...it takes money and airplanes." - Toyko vampires&wolves . the wombats

if you love me let me go.  i witnessed the union of love yesterday.  my cousin and his best friend.  what a wonderful family.  it is lovely.  i was underdressed. "i didn't know there would be super model's there". hilarious.  i am a free spirit & sometimes i look homeless.  technically this is true, the freedom of travel.  it teaches you things.

the advice from friends is a priceless treasure.  they influence every aspect of this... this world that i live in.  strange times.  it moves faster now, so fast that my normal entertainments have been pushed to the side, only a bit of time to sleep.  i must move west now.  the time has come to go.  to go on the adventure that will help me grow.  help me to change.  i am letting it go now.  my security... my home.  dorothy said it best "there's no place like home." but for now i'm entering a colorful dream land.  when i return i can create a new life here.  one that doesn't involve the creatures of night, the one's that take your soul.  i need my escape now.  it's just too much.  "you need to go..."

one more slow dance please.  i hope there is one more left in the cards for us.

thank you for the surprise.

"you gotta hold on...you gotta wait". -hold on, alabama shakes

when you step back in time to the place where you grew up.  it takes you down a notch, reminds you who you are.  the dark winding roads bring me peace.  reminds me of my coffee and music tours through the country side. discovering the connections, learning the back way.  i found a pier at the very end of the county.  the road literally ran straight into the river.  there is a graveyard and a few quiet houses.  i used to disappear there and breathe.  listening to the birds and tiny water drops. alone. my favorite time.  this was before digital cameras, before cell devices. this is when you could really just drive away and get lost.  but somehow being that lost... that's where i found peace.  i never took a boy here, thought about it... guess it worked out for the best.  it was my place.  the only special one i considered... we grew up next door... we played in the band.  i hadn't seen him in almost a year, way too many days ago.  his presence calms me, something about making up the storyline to a spanish soap opera is the most fun i've had in a few days.  that's what love is... so thankful.

peaceful warrior.

white lies - to lose my life

He said to lose my life or lose my love

That's the nightmare I've been running from

So let me hold you in my arms a while

I was always careless as a child

And there's a part of me that still believes

My soul will soar above the trees

But a desperate fear flows through my blood

That our dead loves buried beneath the mud

Let's grow old together

And die at the same time

she said he would die alone, i highly doubt that. just that morning he said he wished that people would leave him alone... even for just one day.

i know the feeling. when you are loved, people take everything they can from you. there is less light now than ever before.  those without will quickly steal all that is left.

we are surrounded by zombies now.  people that stand for nothing... do nothing... mean nothing.  there are ugly and gross souls all around us... sucking the joy from the hearts of those few beauties that are left.

today i found poems and stories i wrote as a child. all of my poems were sad.  they spoke of loss of love, the road to gloom and the fear of  being alone.  i love being alone, almost as much as i hate being social.  the quiet lets me be creative and produce artwork.  i need it to just be.

the sound of music excites me.  i need it everyday to survive. i need it so much that i can easily say i would die without it.  "what if there was no music?".  then i would invent it. 

"music is the next best thing to making love.  it's like a socially acceptable form of porn"-trb 

i am ready now.  i am ready to be one with my voice, my thoughts and my soul.  i have the vision, now i must create that life.  why do i keep seeing you there with me?  why are you in my dreams?  am i in yours? do i grace your thoughts... please whisper yes.

so how do we save this place?  we haven't much time.  our future relies on a hero.  several heroes.  humans that open the eyes of the majority of society... if i could be a ninja... the task would me much simpler.  but the heroes of today are in disguise.  else they would be quickly destroyed.  the government doesn't want these "heroes" to succeed.  so we prowl around the world quietly... hiding our true identity. 

Real Life Superheroes is a grassroots movement of people who create a superhero identity and work in a fun, exciting, and inspirational fashion to make the world a better place. They are using the iconic essence of comic book superheroes to make a difference, inspire others, spread a positive message, and call attention to issues in their communities.