Silver lining.

"Dreams burn, but in ashes are gold." Kings of convenience 24-25 

The lighting reminds me of a cloudy winter day at home, except its even more familiar than that. The ocean breeze is cool and takes me back years. To the days with the Russian girls, the cool breeze of summers end. I can feel the crisp newness of Puerto Rico, the 10th floor facing the Atlantic. It reminded me of California before I knew... All the memories flood together and instantly create the mood... The heavenly. I love lonely quiet days.. The soundtrack was brilliant, I learned a lot. 

Time to catch up with loved ones and reevaluate the present.. All I know is history, thank God. So I use my imagination, breathing the air that is mine. The life I came to conquer. "Home will always be there.." Right where I left off... Which in actuality is a tricky spot, best forgotten with time. 

The harmonious  voices & calm acoustics give me breathing room. I need a bit of piano.... 

I can feel the thoughts, careful not to have a complex... But the reassuring text have come right on cue. They help me remember that people believe in me. Believe in the curiosity that I strive to have everyday. Not everyone can... I was given the gift. I need to share. 

The ones who relate to me best are stunning, well put together souls that float around with dazzling feathers. I suppose they have veil like energy as well, I don't see why it would be any different with them. The further away... The more I see the love I have left behind.

"Will I ever feel better?"what is getting me now. Just me. Please don't get bored now... The fight I have with myself all days. 

Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:16 KJV)

scars.

they add interest.  it was the best worst mistake of my life.  i would say more of a defense mechanism.  it's exhausting having all the attention.  what about anonymous for a change.  at least i don't tower over everyone, wow she is beautiful.  i did it because i was frustrated and over it.  done with all the needs, the wants... nothing ever fit.  it happened so suddenly & i like pain.  i like absence and the fact that i could be away from everyone for awhile, experiment with drugs.  the dreams were strange, should've written about them.  i enjoy change as much i love control.  its a wild card really... now i'm completely different... at least they look at me less now.  before i was an object of sexual desire... now i blend in a bit more.  i guess less is more... the weight is gone.


i was tired.  the day was cold and long.  now i discuss all the options with myself, what am i really doing? at any moment i could just say stop... but i must go.  it hurts.  a good hurt.  the end, that last one.  this years love will be filled with forever.  i can finally feel it.  i would give up all my evil to be with him.  she asked me if i was sad today... not quite, just pondering what i'm really doing with my life.  are my intentions good? sometimes i feel like i can't go on.  i'd rather just stop and participate in the never-ending cycle... or i could sleep in a different place every night.  i love variety.  i like to see something different.  breathe.  i've forgotten how for a few minutes.  i caught myself stopping.  it's wild to think that your body knows and understands more than you.  yet the brain is in  control.  like life... you think you know what you are doing...  only God knows.

i'd rather dance with you.

i'm bored with words.  i create them so well its become annoying.  i'm just pretending, creating the entire scenario... i'm ready for some touch.  i want to feel it in my soul.

the perfect day was yesterday.  all my favorite elements.  it was so overwhelmingly beautiful that i cried.  all the pieces i'm beginning to find them.  it makes sense.  he is right. "i'm absolutely ridiculous". i'm just hopeful... i hugged her and cried.  we don't cry much together, we don't really even chatter much.  what we say is important.  she is my best friend, everything i strive to be.  everything that i strive to become.  she is a mysterious woman.  one that gives out all her love, she is so beautiful... so absolutely brilliant.  she has amazing taste in music and the entertaining arts. she is mother and she is why i am this sliver of light.

"dancing with the beast...it takes money and airplanes." - Toyko vampires&wolves . the wombats

if you love me let me go.  i witnessed the union of love yesterday.  my cousin and his best friend.  what a wonderful family.  it is lovely.  i was underdressed. "i didn't know there would be super model's there". hilarious.  i am a free spirit & sometimes i look homeless.  technically this is true, the freedom of travel.  it teaches you things.

the advice from friends is a priceless treasure.  they influence every aspect of this... this world that i live in.  strange times.  it moves faster now, so fast that my normal entertainments have been pushed to the side, only a bit of time to sleep.  i must move west now.  the time has come to go.  to go on the adventure that will help me grow.  help me to change.  i am letting it go now.  my security... my home.  dorothy said it best "there's no place like home." but for now i'm entering a colorful dream land.  when i return i can create a new life here.  one that doesn't involve the creatures of night, the one's that take your soul.  i need my escape now.  it's just too much.  "you need to go..."

one more slow dance please.  i hope there is one more left in the cards for us.