Silver lining.

"Dreams burn, but in ashes are gold." Kings of convenience 24-25 

The lighting reminds me of a cloudy winter day at home, except its even more familiar than that. The ocean breeze is cool and takes me back years. To the days with the Russian girls, the cool breeze of summers end. I can feel the crisp newness of Puerto Rico, the 10th floor facing the Atlantic. It reminded me of California before I knew... All the memories flood together and instantly create the mood... The heavenly. I love lonely quiet days.. The soundtrack was brilliant, I learned a lot. 

Time to catch up with loved ones and reevaluate the present.. All I know is history, thank God. So I use my imagination, breathing the air that is mine. The life I came to conquer. "Home will always be there.." Right where I left off... Which in actuality is a tricky spot, best forgotten with time. 

The harmonious  voices & calm acoustics give me breathing room. I need a bit of piano.... 

I can feel the thoughts, careful not to have a complex... But the reassuring text have come right on cue. They help me remember that people believe in me. Believe in the curiosity that I strive to have everyday. Not everyone can... I was given the gift. I need to share. 

The ones who relate to me best are stunning, well put together souls that float around with dazzling feathers. I suppose they have veil like energy as well, I don't see why it would be any different with them. The further away... The more I see the love I have left behind.

"Will I ever feel better?"what is getting me now. Just me. Please don't get bored now... The fight I have with myself all days. 

Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:16 KJV)

The once was.

I remember sitting at the bar in the middle of winter laughing about how I had already passed my prime. Our dinner dates were random and we acted like a married couple of several years. He gave me blunt advice, quite the salty sailor.  Anchors that hold him steady in the ocean. He was correct, my body isn't in her early twenties... Unfortunate that I didn't get a photo. Once ago I had great legs and  worried about when they would leave me. Now I'd just rather not look. These legs get me from point a to b. they support my never ending effort to explore. I'm thankful they are small... I miss everything from the past today.

My present alarms me. Am I psychic? Or do I analyze the context clues better than others? I only need a few clues and then I can create answers. The mystery of my family history. The strangeness of the separation. At times it's just easier to escape town, then you don't have to live with the past. The trail of your ancestors. Fortunately I can make my own path now. 

The long cloak trails me. The heavy blood line that flows through my veins. I don't know much about it; best that I don't search. Those around me can feel the energy. It fills the room...  

Welcome to California

Three thousand miles ago... We are across the country. Far away from our past. Onward to who I strive to become.

The time will come when I can leave at any moment. Jet setting and fashion shows. A few classes and maybe even a hair salon.  Those are just to name a few.. Maybe a yacht and an island home. All this takes time and patience, perseverance and timing. Timing is everything.  I'm ready to cross the line and make something happen. 

Everything is different. But I feel a sense of calm now that we are finally here. I experienced some tension along the way, I now have a second to breathe.  Just one breath. The cars move along now quickly and consecutively... Symbolizing how quickly life passes by and the thing you always dreamed of is done and over. The cross country trip I dreamed of... Is done.  What a beautiful experience. I may have slept through a bit of it... But I've always slept at inopportune times. 

Poem life.

When lives collide
In our parallel universe
The ribbons & highways
That connect our souls.

The fragile dance of days
Jump around in chaotic
Circles when you are absent
From my realm.

The silence of flustered
Late night lost gestures
That disappear
In the morning light.

Don't forget to remember
All the little forces
Of coincidence
That brought us congruent.

The timing is off just a bit ...
Our days are numbered
With shortcomings
That inhibit our love.

i will follow you into the dark

                       - death cab for cutie

       leaves (2002) -    leaves fall to the ground like tears
                       covering the grass
                       a naked tree stands alone.

the last night in my bed at home.  this place is full of memories... the fun times with my family.  the late night music sessions... the alone time, paintings... the loudest music.  i found myself here in this place.  lucky for me my father built me a beach house instead of a tree house.  he feeds the birds... i loved hearing them in the mornings.  the late nights and struggles to get to work on time.  the responsibility of living alone... i was a young twenty with a real job. plus two other jobs...  late nights and early mornings.    i'm so thankful i could get to work by the oceanside road.  i am happy for the wonderful time, but a world awaits me.  this one was ever so perfect.

Oh I wanna dance with somebody,
I wanna feel the heat.
Yeah I wanna dance with somebody,
With somebody who loves me.
Somebody who loves me,
To hold me in his arms.
I need a man who'll take a chance,
On a love that burns hot enough to last.
So when the night falls,
My lonely heart calls.
dance with somebody - whitney houston

so i have a blank canvas now.  i am the artist standing there... still for awhile.  waiting for the spell to be cast... the spell that causes all my paint to spill & create the shapes and designs that i fall in love with.  artwork worth the time.  that changes perspective. that alter egos... that is remembered.  the brilliance of  being an artist.  it eventually will consume your life.  it's a chance you take, but once you are in... you are in for life.  i'm diving deep for this challenge.  you only get one life... i'm not the type to play it safe.  

i want more.  i need more at this point in my life.  twenty five years later and i'm her.  i'm who i pretended to be all along.  i created her as a child.  now i stand in front of a mirror and stare.  she is... me?  i love her.  i'm absolutely in love with her.  so now i must go... she must see the world.  share the love that is possible for all of us.  i'll meet my dark side soon enough.  for now i'll get a good night's sleep in my california king.  i'll dream of my king one last night here on the island.  then to higher ground.  from sea to mountains. i will follow you. 

peaceful warrior.

white lies - to lose my life

He said to lose my life or lose my love

That's the nightmare I've been running from

So let me hold you in my arms a while

I was always careless as a child

And there's a part of me that still believes

My soul will soar above the trees

But a desperate fear flows through my blood

That our dead loves buried beneath the mud

Let's grow old together

And die at the same time

she said he would die alone, i highly doubt that. just that morning he said he wished that people would leave him alone... even for just one day.

i know the feeling. when you are loved, people take everything they can from you. there is less light now than ever before.  those without will quickly steal all that is left.

we are surrounded by zombies now.  people that stand for nothing... do nothing... mean nothing.  there are ugly and gross souls all around us... sucking the joy from the hearts of those few beauties that are left.

today i found poems and stories i wrote as a child. all of my poems were sad.  they spoke of loss of love, the road to gloom and the fear of  being alone.  i love being alone, almost as much as i hate being social.  the quiet lets me be creative and produce artwork.  i need it to just be.

the sound of music excites me.  i need it everyday to survive. i need it so much that i can easily say i would die without it.  "what if there was no music?".  then i would invent it. 

"music is the next best thing to making love.  it's like a socially acceptable form of porn"-trb 

i am ready now.  i am ready to be one with my voice, my thoughts and my soul.  i have the vision, now i must create that life.  why do i keep seeing you there with me?  why are you in my dreams?  am i in yours? do i grace your thoughts... please whisper yes.

so how do we save this place?  we haven't much time.  our future relies on a hero.  several heroes.  humans that open the eyes of the majority of society... if i could be a ninja... the task would me much simpler.  but the heroes of today are in disguise.  else they would be quickly destroyed.  the government doesn't want these "heroes" to succeed.  so we prowl around the world quietly... hiding our true identity. 

Real Life Superheroes is a grassroots movement of people who create a superhero identity and work in a fun, exciting, and inspirational fashion to make the world a better place. They are using the iconic essence of comic book superheroes to make a difference, inspire others, spread a positive message, and call attention to issues in their communities.