"Real love is like salt, it enhances the flavor that was there to begin with".

Falling in love is a risk, one that for better or for worse, must be taken alone. 

He said that I need to do it differently if I want to be noticed. dq. If that is the case... I think I'll begin with him. A beautiful pirate. I feel almost safe all the way over here. Time buries treasure like sand, only a few months under the sea and no one will ever know. 

The longing for the east coast. The boys down the street. The girl's wine dates.

The early morning road trips. The breakfast. The summer morning shower 

haircut.  Coffee. His blond hair. The perfect breeze. The air is clean and grey.

The small cabin in the woods. The one with the lights, colored along the ceiling. The dirt path that led me there. I dreamed this several times as a child. In different variations. I think this cabin actually exists ... I need to see it. 

........…On the mountain side of North Carolina.

Sunday brunch.

I lessen the need to escape home some days. The setup was amazing, a buffet style of fruit and chocolate delight. The setting is on the bay, a spring like breeze flows about... I am reflecting on the surrounding. Nothing like this at home...

I am at a lose for words... The days are running into each other. I am a blessed soul.. Saturday sushi nights with Ali and Sunday brunch with the salon staff... Good food, good music... Really, what more could I want? I want so much more.

Is it selfish to say that I am indeed meant for fame. I want to be known around the world... Not in the famous way that people stumble around about you... But in a 'fashionable' way. Where everyone caters to me, but no one really knows...

I need protection, security, a few body guards. A driver and an assistant. This is my next goal... To be successful in a way that I need the help of others to help me help others. That's what I want next. 

Just imagine.

The type you fall in love with. The stunning view. "The new girl"... Our town is quite the same, except my best friend lives on this end. Slow the pace to make it work. Withering away all my things. Listening to "these days" by the black keys. The devil he listens well... Once you go that way. Hearing the crash of the ocean; I could get some good writing done. A group of people that notice if I'm around, if I just happen to not come home.
I can envision it now. Reassures me that first "dates" do indeed come along and sweep you off your feet. Natural selection. The universe places you together for a reason.

Last night was interesting. It was an event that I thought I wanted to attend, come to find out... It was boring. All the boys the same... And the ones that wear that "famous" clothing... Well they are not at all famous. Quite the opposite really... Poor kids posing as fakes. I'm not impressed with this anymore. All the potential is now gone... If you don't do something before you are twenty five, well you wasted a few years. That's all.

The new year. West Hollywood.

The strangest terms come from the moments you can't plan. The one chance you get to take a wild card. I'm thankful mine usually happen either all or nothing. The two extremes is how I live. Stories you never repeat because 'they' wouldn't believe you anyway. I mean how could they? It doesn't make sense.

Knowing the most beautiful of your times will never be captured is hard to understand. It's hard to accept. It frustrates me that the ray of light will eventually go dark and I will have no where to look to find it again. Lost in the memories of strangers. The ones who don't remember either. 

The stance I balanced on was that of a starlet, yet I'm just an east coast island girl. Something of a spectacle, they are fascinated with me. As if I'm some 'real' that know one knows or sees... They can't understand. Not of this world, I have left my old self to move forward and see the obstacles. I see clarity & pray. Giving myself to the one who created me, to give me only that I can handle. He knows my limit. I do not.. I push around limits. 

Sometimes you fall. I fell forward into a garden of confusion. Losing control only for a few hours.. Losing a friend. I think I sacrificed too much for nothing. I do not regret... So learn that life is precious and I need to better protect my health. And body. This creature that I have so delicately helped mold... It is not for others anymore. Only for me. The mouth rape was enough, he'd swept me away forever... Had he the choice. I'm already taken. And I am evil otherwise. It's a trait about me... That is my savior and destroyer. 

The beginning is just over the horizon. We hiked eight miles in solstice canyon ... Seeing the sun set over the ocean through the rolling green hills. Not something I could find at home. The fire destroyed their lives... Their homes were burned away... Leaving only brick structures and retro ovens. Large kitchens and fire places that survived the flames. Ruins of years ago.. I pictured the models in modern French dresses and big textured hair. I'm not sure what to do with the men though... The shoot will show the end of an era. The era where women are less... domestic.  We are the brilliance that is what will save us. History shows it, proves it. Every soul craves the feminine power, the beauty she possess. Men want it. Women want it. Creatures all alike want this 'beauty' so much that it gives power to those... Certain humans. I pray mine doesn't go to waste. Lord please forgive me. I cry out to you. 

How I repeatedly survive situations leads me to believe that I am meant for life. The sound of music saves me and this new year began in a land of creative forces. The people that I must emerge myself in to create the works of art I know I'm meant to create. 

Early on I began creating. I created clothes. Houses.. Worlds... Barbie bands, that were always on tour. Books ... Games. Being raised in a secluded land left me plenty of imaginative time. Mother let us be. She enabled us to be one of a kind. She is the definition of a mother. She created stunning women. Three of them. Each of is a blessing in disguise. We just haven't a clue how to use our gifts yet. I'm only in the very early stages now. I had to give up everything... My past... to have this moment. This life... 

At four am... I sit Indian style in a chair. The 'not yet released' insight doll baby dress... The leather leggings... The black pumps.. And a head of unreasonable curls.... I laugh in a room full of men. "Lets start a revolution. I know I'm a part of it." I think I've known all along. Film. That's how you capture life... That's how you alter the real. Taking out the parts that you don't want to remember. I've made plenty to know. I wrote and directed films as a child. Starring... My sisters and friends. Of course you chose your friends. They are the ones with passion behind their work.. They have a reason. So the empire of friends continues to grow. 

My feelings haven't changed. They sit right where they left off. In the midst of all my life changes.. I still want to lay with him. Like a cat... Snuggling in a sleep so angelic that you'd think  it could last forever. So peaceful that it reassures you ...while together the world will not take our life away. 

Sage.

( noun)

a profoundly wise person; a person famed for wisdom.

someone venerated for the possession of wisdom, judgment, and experience.

- adjective

wise, judicious, or prudent: sage advice.

Listening to music breathes life into me. Their love gives me hope. So far I've received all I've asked for. I didn't I know I would feel such pain. Such sadness and despair, I am relieved that I can't actually predict the future.  But the options overwhelm me, that is what brought me here.

So I stay alone a few days and hear my thoughts again. I come to terms that Christmas will be spent alone. I have accepted the idea, it sounds relaxing after the past few wild weeks. The separation from society seems refreshing. I actually want it now, the ocean. That is mine to have now... So off to see good friends, family actually, in Vegas. These two boys mean the world to me. Since we were fourteen they have drove me mad. But they have always taken care of me. They love me. I am the strong woman I am today because of all those boys. 

The morning was nice, you wouldn't know by all the tears. I have so much emotion. Just crying. It's ok to cry. It may be a sign of weakness, but it shows that you are human...then you have a revaluation of your life; yoga. 

On the cliff, bare winter trees allow the sun to actually bath you in energy. The view is breathtaking. I fell in love. I was thankful to be there. The clouds were pale, the colors will stick with me. Cool dark blue tones, those right before or after the storm. Tears streamed down my face while I practiced, breathing. The release of the tension. The healing power that you and the earth have. Together. I felt comfortable to let the saline stream fall, it gave  me a different energy that allowed me to move forward. Towards the end, I felt like a child, laughing and massaging  my feet, letting go of the past. All the trials. All the walking. The distance from me now is further. 

I wanted to say thank you after, I was grateful for the beautiful red head, brine, that graced my life and helped make me smile.  A woman of grace and power. Confident and very free from stress or pain. One day I will be her again. I noticed immediately after... a guy, nothing special... I felt that I needed to meet him. Minutes later I spoke up, and he said all the right things. All the things I needed to hear. He was curious. "It took a lot of strength to do what you just did". I wonder if he saw the sadness... I laughed. He was sad about how he missed his past and who he used to be.. But he realized that he already had that. He was happy he had it, now it is time to grow. He said it was the best and perfect time to show up to the west coast. The new world is upon us. I feel the heaviness of that wave, I've experienced it in a way that words will never describe, but that is life. I want to be a part of this movement in a way that no one understands. I want change and to make a difference. I want to be creative and balanced in life.  

I do see these visions of light everyday. I see them so perfectly. So epically that I have faith in my life. This new world I just discovered. Now to be discovered. Then I can make a change. 

Famous 

(adjective)

--having a widespread reputation, usually of a favorable nature; renowned; celebrated: a famous writer.

--Informal.  first-rate; excellent: The singer gave a famous performance.

--notorious (used pejoratively).

I'm only satisfied when I'm going somewhere... So I need to be able to move. To escape. To explore. That takes time, but I tasted it. As long as I have a few weeks.. Even just days to rest and be still.. Then I'm anxious to move again. I am blessed that this is my calling. I wished to be in an airport. Here I go...

i will follow you into the dark

                       - death cab for cutie

       leaves (2002) -    leaves fall to the ground like tears
                       covering the grass
                       a naked tree stands alone.

the last night in my bed at home.  this place is full of memories... the fun times with my family.  the late night music sessions... the alone time, paintings... the loudest music.  i found myself here in this place.  lucky for me my father built me a beach house instead of a tree house.  he feeds the birds... i loved hearing them in the mornings.  the late nights and struggles to get to work on time.  the responsibility of living alone... i was a young twenty with a real job. plus two other jobs...  late nights and early mornings.    i'm so thankful i could get to work by the oceanside road.  i am happy for the wonderful time, but a world awaits me.  this one was ever so perfect.

Oh I wanna dance with somebody,
I wanna feel the heat.
Yeah I wanna dance with somebody,
With somebody who loves me.
Somebody who loves me,
To hold me in his arms.
I need a man who'll take a chance,
On a love that burns hot enough to last.
So when the night falls,
My lonely heart calls.
dance with somebody - whitney houston

so i have a blank canvas now.  i am the artist standing there... still for awhile.  waiting for the spell to be cast... the spell that causes all my paint to spill & create the shapes and designs that i fall in love with.  artwork worth the time.  that changes perspective. that alter egos... that is remembered.  the brilliance of  being an artist.  it eventually will consume your life.  it's a chance you take, but once you are in... you are in for life.  i'm diving deep for this challenge.  you only get one life... i'm not the type to play it safe.  

i want more.  i need more at this point in my life.  twenty five years later and i'm her.  i'm who i pretended to be all along.  i created her as a child.  now i stand in front of a mirror and stare.  she is... me?  i love her.  i'm absolutely in love with her.  so now i must go... she must see the world.  share the love that is possible for all of us.  i'll meet my dark side soon enough.  for now i'll get a good night's sleep in my california king.  i'll dream of my king one last night here on the island.  then to higher ground.  from sea to mountains. i will follow you.