"Real love is like salt, it enhances the flavor that was there to begin with".

Falling in love is a risk, one that for better or for worse, must be taken alone. 

He said that I need to do it differently if I want to be noticed. dq. If that is the case... I think I'll begin with him. A beautiful pirate. I feel almost safe all the way over here. Time buries treasure like sand, only a few months under the sea and no one will ever know. 

The longing for the east coast. The boys down the street. The girl's wine dates.

The early morning road trips. The breakfast. The summer morning shower 

haircut.  Coffee. His blond hair. The perfect breeze. The air is clean and grey.

The small cabin in the woods. The one with the lights, colored along the ceiling. The dirt path that led me there. I dreamed this several times as a child. In different variations. I think this cabin actually exists ... I need to see it. 

........…On the mountain side of North Carolina.

Southern comfort.

Reminds me of spring today. The dream of biking to work came true. I don't know that I pictured it quite the same, but pretty close. It felt good to be alone. Independent. Now I can get somewhere...

I fell in love with Amelia yesterday evening. I could feel her... I knew I would find her. She is a 1973 'Carolina' blue Schwinn. Found at a quaint little bicycle shop on orange ave. I just loved the entire evening. Ali and I can now adventure around town... To the market. Like I stepped back in time, she fits perfectly. Only slightly heavier than I had planned for... The stairs are tough.

Settling sounds sweet now. The dream of having space to myself... a closet. I'm very simple ... I hardly need a corner. I envision my own view, my own door... The quiet safe haven that will be my new home. 

I can see the light now. From afar, though revisiting will bring me pleasure... "being" there brings me stagnant thoughts... That I will achieve nothing. The dream of real life this morning solidifies that when you work to achieve... two years later came true.  But now what? It's time to stop day dreaming... Stop wishing and make it happen. The lull of steadiness will give me time to study and advertise for myself. Makes me tired just thinking about it... I think I'll go for a bike ride. 

Sage.

( noun)

a profoundly wise person; a person famed for wisdom.

someone venerated for the possession of wisdom, judgment, and experience.

- adjective

wise, judicious, or prudent: sage advice.

Listening to music breathes life into me. Their love gives me hope. So far I've received all I've asked for. I didn't I know I would feel such pain. Such sadness and despair, I am relieved that I can't actually predict the future.  But the options overwhelm me, that is what brought me here.

So I stay alone a few days and hear my thoughts again. I come to terms that Christmas will be spent alone. I have accepted the idea, it sounds relaxing after the past few wild weeks. The separation from society seems refreshing. I actually want it now, the ocean. That is mine to have now... So off to see good friends, family actually, in Vegas. These two boys mean the world to me. Since we were fourteen they have drove me mad. But they have always taken care of me. They love me. I am the strong woman I am today because of all those boys. 

The morning was nice, you wouldn't know by all the tears. I have so much emotion. Just crying. It's ok to cry. It may be a sign of weakness, but it shows that you are human...then you have a revaluation of your life; yoga. 

On the cliff, bare winter trees allow the sun to actually bath you in energy. The view is breathtaking. I fell in love. I was thankful to be there. The clouds were pale, the colors will stick with me. Cool dark blue tones, those right before or after the storm. Tears streamed down my face while I practiced, breathing. The release of the tension. The healing power that you and the earth have. Together. I felt comfortable to let the saline stream fall, it gave  me a different energy that allowed me to move forward. Towards the end, I felt like a child, laughing and massaging  my feet, letting go of the past. All the trials. All the walking. The distance from me now is further. 

I wanted to say thank you after, I was grateful for the beautiful red head, brine, that graced my life and helped make me smile.  A woman of grace and power. Confident and very free from stress or pain. One day I will be her again. I noticed immediately after... a guy, nothing special... I felt that I needed to meet him. Minutes later I spoke up, and he said all the right things. All the things I needed to hear. He was curious. "It took a lot of strength to do what you just did". I wonder if he saw the sadness... I laughed. He was sad about how he missed his past and who he used to be.. But he realized that he already had that. He was happy he had it, now it is time to grow. He said it was the best and perfect time to show up to the west coast. The new world is upon us. I feel the heaviness of that wave, I've experienced it in a way that words will never describe, but that is life. I want to be a part of this movement in a way that no one understands. I want change and to make a difference. I want to be creative and balanced in life.  

I do see these visions of light everyday. I see them so perfectly. So epically that I have faith in my life. This new world I just discovered. Now to be discovered. Then I can make a change. 

Famous 

(adjective)

--having a widespread reputation, usually of a favorable nature; renowned; celebrated: a famous writer.

--Informal.  first-rate; excellent: The singer gave a famous performance.

--notorious (used pejoratively).

I'm only satisfied when I'm going somewhere... So I need to be able to move. To escape. To explore. That takes time, but I tasted it. As long as I have a few weeks.. Even just days to rest and be still.. Then I'm anxious to move again. I am blessed that this is my calling. I wished to be in an airport. Here I go...

I was intrigued from day one. The beginning of this life , this movement... This legacy. "I was intrigued the day I met him.. The first day I saw his dr. Seuss guitar. Changed my world. Then he smashed it. Literally." 10.14.12

It's just a matter of taking a risk

Putting together the worlds 

Of our life, the words of the moment

That become a twisted mess

Unnatural to the order 

Of the lines. 

Cross out letters to change

The meaning of our voices

And doubtful thoughts.

In love with the insane notion

Of what could be a mistake from

 falling down.

novelty.

"No wonder lovers talk all night or walk till dawn, write extravagant poetry and self-revealing e-mails, cross continents or oceans to hug for just a weekend, change jobs or lifestyles, even die for one another. Drenched in chemicals that bestow focus, stamina and vigor, and driven by the motivating engine of the brain, lovers succumb to a Herculean courting urge."-helen fisher

it's the love that is changing everything.  i have noticed that it is the difference in excitement and sleep.  honestly if there is no chance in seeing him... i'd rather just rest.  i have a lot to accomplish without him...

now i just focus on the music.  i focus on the chords, the nerves and the lyrics.  

recent studies showed that listening to your favorite music has a similar effect on your brain as other pleasure-inducing activities like having sex.

MRI and PET scans reveal that when you listen to music that excites you, your brain releases dopamine during the most exciting moments of the song and even in anticipation of those moments.

i suppose that is why i enjoy music so much.. i listen to it at any moment of the day.  it's what keeps me awake, revamps my life.  forever... i could listen to the songs.  the songs he sings to me... one day. i'll have my own soundtrack.

research shows that love opens doors of the brain... it allows us to relax and really begin to dive deep into the realms of creativity that otherwise you would be too distracted to realize.  it's tough to slow down enough... the black and white creativity.  he has to sleep with the tv on.  i had to turn it off.  the noise is just nonsense... at least we focused on the comedy of classics. 

Dr. Fisher offers three key components of love, involving different but connected brain systems:

• Lust — driven by androgens and estrogens, the craving for sexual gratification
• Attraction — driven by high dopamine and norepinephrine levels and low serotonin, romantic or passionate love, characterized by euphoria when things are going well, terrible mood swings when they’re not, focused attention, obsessive thinking, and intense craving for the individual
• Attachment — driven by the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin, the sense of calm, peace, and stability one feels with a long-term partner

She goes on to point out that serotonin-enhancing antidepressants also inhibit other evolutionary adaptive mechanisms for mate selection, such as orgasm.

i just enjoy my alone time.  the time i have to be quiet.  i hope he knows quiet with me... i hope he enjoys that silent lust too.  the attraction is what we are creating.  the attachment is what we grow old with.

Just consider how much learning happens when you choose a mate. Along with thrilling dependency comes glimpsing the world through another’s eyes; forsaking some habits and adopting others (good or bad); tasting new ideas, rituals, foods or landscapes; a slew of added friends and family; a tapestry of physical intimacy and affection; and many other catalysts, including a tornadic blast of attraction and attachment hormones — all of which revamp the brain. 

If you’re in a healthy relationship, holding your partner’s hand is enough to subdue your blood pressure, ease your response to stress, improve your health and soften physical pain. We alter one another’s physiology and neural functions.

During idylls of safety, when your brain knows you’re with someone you can trust, it needn’t waste precious resources coping with stressors or menace. Instead it may spend its lifeblood learning new things or fine-tuning the process of healing. Its doors of perception swing wide open. The flip side is that, given how vulnerable one then is, love lessons — sweet or villainous — can make a deep impression. Wedded hearts change everything, even the brain.

-the brain on love, diane ackerman

so i understand a bit more.  the worry is natural.  the love is becoming... i just need to experience a new level now.  with both of our talents... we will be able to discover even the smallest realms.  i can feel it.  both of us are weird animals.. ones that delve deep into the sea of odd.  we are the epidemy of awkward.  he thinks the same about himself.  now if only he could except that a bizarre bird like me could be the one for him.  i believe in monogamy... do you?

the i love you story.

the day of birth twenty five years ago.  on this day i ate brunch with brilliance... nothing like the refreshing cucumber.
      he kissed the top of my head.. fresh water.  a breath of fresh air.  the running water... the brass monkey in the wild.  it's a simple concept really.  the reality of love is here... the empire.  i guess it's what these days are about.  "soul searching".  the unexpected is the theme.  the positive help is the support.  when i say i love you.. i mean it.  everyone deserves that love. we need it.  it's something that will allow us to discover a new self.  a new place where we will solve the problems of the world.  for now..... the ninja turtles rule.

“The contour of the body is extremely subtle, difficult to describe accurately, and quite fascinatingly beautiful. When the contour is sensitively handled, it can stand alone, like a violin solo.”

the meaning.

on the road. day one.  it was stunning out today.  the time flew and after several hours we had conquered north carolina.  now we sleep in the mountains... in a beautiful old cottage on the west side.  the place has stories, it beams with character.  the view is crystal and the moon is a pale black light that illuminates and creates shadows in the dark.  i am ecstatic... erratic... and quite frankly something of a strange creature now.  i have no expectation.  we can't form a plan... it would interfere with the master plan.

it is a new life now.  i'm supposed to be in this dark room... red curtains.  the silence of a cold mountain town.  so now i crave the meaning.  i need a meaningful moment with someone soon.  it's difficult to create meaning because it takes time.  you have to have a bit of repetitive movement to make security.  you must have history to create comfort.  so i'll paint something.  something to calm my breathing.  the sound of piano... covering today's "hits" is comforting.  i try and fill in the lyrics every so often... keeps the mystery.


Something in the way she moves
Attracts me like no other lover
Something in the way she woos me
I don't want to leave her now
You know I believe and how

Somewhere in her smile she knows
That I don't need no other lover
Something in her style that shows me
I don't want to leave her now
You know I believe and how

You're asking me will my love grow
I don't know, I don't know
You stick around now, it may show

I don't know, I don't know

the beatles

i will follow you into the dark

                       - death cab for cutie

       leaves (2002) -    leaves fall to the ground like tears
                       covering the grass
                       a naked tree stands alone.

the last night in my bed at home.  this place is full of memories... the fun times with my family.  the late night music sessions... the alone time, paintings... the loudest music.  i found myself here in this place.  lucky for me my father built me a beach house instead of a tree house.  he feeds the birds... i loved hearing them in the mornings.  the late nights and struggles to get to work on time.  the responsibility of living alone... i was a young twenty with a real job. plus two other jobs...  late nights and early mornings.    i'm so thankful i could get to work by the oceanside road.  i am happy for the wonderful time, but a world awaits me.  this one was ever so perfect.

Oh I wanna dance with somebody,
I wanna feel the heat.
Yeah I wanna dance with somebody,
With somebody who loves me.
Somebody who loves me,
To hold me in his arms.
I need a man who'll take a chance,
On a love that burns hot enough to last.
So when the night falls,
My lonely heart calls.
dance with somebody - whitney houston

so i have a blank canvas now.  i am the artist standing there... still for awhile.  waiting for the spell to be cast... the spell that causes all my paint to spill & create the shapes and designs that i fall in love with.  artwork worth the time.  that changes perspective. that alter egos... that is remembered.  the brilliance of  being an artist.  it eventually will consume your life.  it's a chance you take, but once you are in... you are in for life.  i'm diving deep for this challenge.  you only get one life... i'm not the type to play it safe.  

i want more.  i need more at this point in my life.  twenty five years later and i'm her.  i'm who i pretended to be all along.  i created her as a child.  now i stand in front of a mirror and stare.  she is... me?  i love her.  i'm absolutely in love with her.  so now i must go... she must see the world.  share the love that is possible for all of us.  i'll meet my dark side soon enough.  for now i'll get a good night's sleep in my california king.  i'll dream of my king one last night here on the island.  then to higher ground.  from sea to mountains. i will follow you.