listen to:
wax tailor - how i feel 

stephen marley - someone to love 

 

Woke up early before the light to ride a big red bus along the pacific coast highway. We caught the early glimpse of dawn and began our practice right as the sun graced the mountain top. The frigid northern breeze froze my fingers and toes... Making the movements a frozen numb feeling of... Pain. Causing me to focus on keeping the breath sequence and extremity movement. I was surprised at what the mind can alter. Just as I was feeling hopeless... Feeling like giving in to the freezing feeling... The sun heated my body and soul. I had completed the task and was rewarded with a warm breakfast.

We stood around a fire and mediated about the coming year. I wrote my intentions for the year on a best western notepad... Listing my aspirations and goals... To fall in love, explore and create art. Then I became distracted and doodled about CRITTER MANIA 2013. The drawing consisted of wild lines... Tracing each other and moving about like a animal.. A fuzzy frenzy of red lines. I admired the doodle... Then set it up in flames. Watching the paper quickly turn to ash... All my wildest dreams will come true.

We ride bikes downtown and grab a lovely brunch at two umbrellas before work. The diner is a dive from the late eighties...  The soundtrack reflects the decor. Our sugar covered toast and veggie hash is the perfect compliment to the already stunning Saturday. This was on my "list". So I cross coffee date with Ali cat off.. Another goal, another day.

Each morning I wish for the best day... The days are adding up quickly. Soon I'll settle into my oceanside spot. I'll drape the walls with striped fabric ... Cloth and easel in one corner... Maybe a vintage lamp of some sort. Then I want to lay in bed and cuddle all day. "With whom?" you ask, I haven't the slightest clue. I'll just day dream him... Oh my, where is the man of my dreams...?

Love the one you're with.

The sunrise was heavenly. Golden lit clouds sat on a back drop of stormy blue. So beautiful these early Saturdays with my love. The town isn't awake, we have the place to ourselves. California sleeps in... We wake up early to move into stillness. Catching our breath again, slowing down enough to see the future. The teacher speaks of love... Who do you love? Set your intention ... Send your love the energy. My brain dances around with loved ones... I can see one face very clearly. I hope he can feel the love. Even three thousand miles ago.

I think I found my footing again. I must never quit my art. The art of beauty. Making people feel beautiful... Everyday. I wore my red lips today... And leather leggings. Appropriate for the occasion... Mirrors all around. The soundtrack is nice and the coffee comforting on the cool rainy day. The streets a quieter than usual... For a Saturday. It never rains here, this winter being the exception. I'm used to the falling water, constantly drenching me and my spirit. The sun returns much quicker here. Maybe tomorrow.

Message me soon. I am making the point to be enlightened now. Then maybe I'll catch a few more signs. I just need reassurance, but the cards don't always equal up. In life, I'm learning, you must give without expectation of receiving. To expect something in return is suffering... I have no extra energy to give to suffer. So I'll write another letter soon.  Not sure what angle I'll come from... This is a very fragile moment. A time when I am unsure of where I am going. He may want to know... I read that they sold out a show recently back east. I'm so very ecstatic that people are catching on. The crowd will continue to multiply if they keep inspired. The fans make the artist/musician. They bring them forward into public. Humans are natural followers. Only a select few weird creatures are leaders.... 

Sage.

( noun)

a profoundly wise person; a person famed for wisdom.

someone venerated for the possession of wisdom, judgment, and experience.

- adjective

wise, judicious, or prudent: sage advice.

Listening to music breathes life into me. Their love gives me hope. So far I've received all I've asked for. I didn't I know I would feel such pain. Such sadness and despair, I am relieved that I can't actually predict the future.  But the options overwhelm me, that is what brought me here.

So I stay alone a few days and hear my thoughts again. I come to terms that Christmas will be spent alone. I have accepted the idea, it sounds relaxing after the past few wild weeks. The separation from society seems refreshing. I actually want it now, the ocean. That is mine to have now... So off to see good friends, family actually, in Vegas. These two boys mean the world to me. Since we were fourteen they have drove me mad. But they have always taken care of me. They love me. I am the strong woman I am today because of all those boys. 

The morning was nice, you wouldn't know by all the tears. I have so much emotion. Just crying. It's ok to cry. It may be a sign of weakness, but it shows that you are human...then you have a revaluation of your life; yoga. 

On the cliff, bare winter trees allow the sun to actually bath you in energy. The view is breathtaking. I fell in love. I was thankful to be there. The clouds were pale, the colors will stick with me. Cool dark blue tones, those right before or after the storm. Tears streamed down my face while I practiced, breathing. The release of the tension. The healing power that you and the earth have. Together. I felt comfortable to let the saline stream fall, it gave  me a different energy that allowed me to move forward. Towards the end, I felt like a child, laughing and massaging  my feet, letting go of the past. All the trials. All the walking. The distance from me now is further. 

I wanted to say thank you after, I was grateful for the beautiful red head, brine, that graced my life and helped make me smile.  A woman of grace and power. Confident and very free from stress or pain. One day I will be her again. I noticed immediately after... a guy, nothing special... I felt that I needed to meet him. Minutes later I spoke up, and he said all the right things. All the things I needed to hear. He was curious. "It took a lot of strength to do what you just did". I wonder if he saw the sadness... I laughed. He was sad about how he missed his past and who he used to be.. But he realized that he already had that. He was happy he had it, now it is time to grow. He said it was the best and perfect time to show up to the west coast. The new world is upon us. I feel the heaviness of that wave, I've experienced it in a way that words will never describe, but that is life. I want to be a part of this movement in a way that no one understands. I want change and to make a difference. I want to be creative and balanced in life.  

I do see these visions of light everyday. I see them so perfectly. So epically that I have faith in my life. This new world I just discovered. Now to be discovered. Then I can make a change. 

Famous 

(adjective)

--having a widespread reputation, usually of a favorable nature; renowned; celebrated: a famous writer.

--Informal.  first-rate; excellent: The singer gave a famous performance.

--notorious (used pejoratively).

I'm only satisfied when I'm going somewhere... So I need to be able to move. To escape. To explore. That takes time, but I tasted it. As long as I have a few weeks.. Even just days to rest and be still.. Then I'm anxious to move again. I am blessed that this is my calling. I wished to be in an airport. Here I go...

"Life isn't always a happy dance... But it is a dance nonetheless".  10.13.12

Harmony is beauty ... Life is a roller coaster. The ride that takes you up and down within seconds, moments that add themselves  together for your past. Until it has passed... do you really get to experience the situation.  I can't see any instant future, so there fore I see too many options.  I could easily just relax and let it just be, enjoy the beach and the sunshine.  But I'm completely out now, I have run through my security.. Time to remove the blanket. This is where every decisions counts and the days are numbered. 

I was drenched, seeing my skin covered and dripping with saline gave me relief.  One that brought teardrops blended into sweat.  The soundtrack was perfect, exactly what I needed to hear. To feel. To experience.  I pushed myself and learned that all of my years practicing gave me success. One breath. Seeing. My body in the mirror, an image I'm not accustomed to watching... She has good posture. Better now that ever before. She is more experienced, she is ready for the challenge. The lost pieces I will begin to gather, to collect them from the world. From those around me, from my love that is so happy to see me. I have missed her so. Only six years ago we met three thousand miles away, during the time where we found our art. Our sense of self and our youth . We found each other. We found hairstyling. There is so much more to style. It's a feeling that carries on for a long time. Days.. Weeks... Months worth of self confidence. We were trained to give that to humans.

Vanity. I know I touch on this often, but it is a reality. The responsibility of a realization. I need to trust my stomach and stay here to make it  home. I'm not ready to leave.... Maybe one day, home will be in his arms.

Six years from now... I have this vision.  I pictured this life for myself and now I am here.  So my vision is secure. A place in my career, a human to love... A home, a few flights to the east coast and maybe even a child. If I am so lucky to create life... I want a team life partner. I'm not looking anymore, it has drowned. So now I look for me. She is worth chasing.  

(All the lights... ) 

The catalyst.

 The way things go... As equally as they come.  His negative energy pushed me away from my home... Pushed me to a new dimension... Changed my perspective. Now I am so far away still.. I feel even further from my goal than before.  It is a thin line for security. A frail thread that could snap and send me home. 

A castaway from my own land... My own life. I just don't fit in anywhere anymore... I haven't interest in what others are rambling about ... The drunken mist that they subject themselves to... He said the most hilarious thing... They will eventually kill themselves off, then we won't have to worry with their negative energy. Those that are crazy enough to believe that they can change the world ... Will.  Willpower is a drug.  

Drugs. I have new ones now... I bore easily.  I moved on from the need to be stupid, it's not a good look. Occasionally drinking makes dancing easier, but I have to have good music for that.  The "usuals" don't understand good music, really they just sway around for anything.  I've been very passive lately, it's a new look I'm trying on.  But my body is calling out for help, she needs to stretch, breathe and move.  I miss my powerful French influence. I miss her passion and direction, she knew exactly what my body needed.  She mentioned before I left that "those" around me might not be accepting to me... I understand what she meant by that.  Negatives are turned off by positive. They will try and take all that you posses. Fair enough. Now I just have to work that much harder.  I haven't time for petty nonsense and substance abuse. I need to cancel all of it out.