"How does that feel?" Jason lee

Vision of division - the strokes 

Today felt great. Chilly morning, bike ride to work this morning was brisk. I arrived to a pleasant surprise. I was able to sit in on the cutting class today... Thank goodness. I needed the insight ... The extra practice. He was an inspiring soul... Reminded me of someone. Mainly the way his mouth moved, was familiar. I was instantly attracted... I'm sure he gets that a lot. I decided to focus on his craft... The art of teaching hair. This is where I want to go... I want to learn. I want to educate. One step at a time... I think I have him interested.

What I choose to cover my body in today is fun. It speaks about me... Combat boots, leather leggings and a coathangers band tee... Hair pulled high, natural face and a silky champagne kimono... "I like that bit of flare". I love it. Roof top fashion show with myself in a mirror... The world likes it too. 

Bicoastal soon? I think so. I need to make a list of clients to contact... Then I can be everywhere. three weeks here...  one there. All my dreams will come true. Once you give up everything to do something... It's just easier. If you love something set it free, right? 

Sunday brunch.

I lessen the need to escape home some days. The setup was amazing, a buffet style of fruit and chocolate delight. The setting is on the bay, a spring like breeze flows about... I am reflecting on the surrounding. Nothing like this at home...

I am at a lose for words... The days are running into each other. I am a blessed soul.. Saturday sushi nights with Ali and Sunday brunch with the salon staff... Good food, good music... Really, what more could I want? I want so much more.

Is it selfish to say that I am indeed meant for fame. I want to be known around the world... Not in the famous way that people stumble around about you... But in a 'fashionable' way. Where everyone caters to me, but no one really knows...

I need protection, security, a few body guards. A driver and an assistant. This is my next goal... To be successful in a way that I need the help of others to help me help others. That's what I want next. 

listen to:
wax tailor - how i feel 

stephen marley - someone to love 

 

Woke up early before the light to ride a big red bus along the pacific coast highway. We caught the early glimpse of dawn and began our practice right as the sun graced the mountain top. The frigid northern breeze froze my fingers and toes... Making the movements a frozen numb feeling of... Pain. Causing me to focus on keeping the breath sequence and extremity movement. I was surprised at what the mind can alter. Just as I was feeling hopeless... Feeling like giving in to the freezing feeling... The sun heated my body and soul. I had completed the task and was rewarded with a warm breakfast.

We stood around a fire and mediated about the coming year. I wrote my intentions for the year on a best western notepad... Listing my aspirations and goals... To fall in love, explore and create art. Then I became distracted and doodled about CRITTER MANIA 2013. The drawing consisted of wild lines... Tracing each other and moving about like a animal.. A fuzzy frenzy of red lines. I admired the doodle... Then set it up in flames. Watching the paper quickly turn to ash... All my wildest dreams will come true.

We ride bikes downtown and grab a lovely brunch at two umbrellas before work. The diner is a dive from the late eighties...  The soundtrack reflects the decor. Our sugar covered toast and veggie hash is the perfect compliment to the already stunning Saturday. This was on my "list". So I cross coffee date with Ali cat off.. Another goal, another day.

Each morning I wish for the best day... The days are adding up quickly. Soon I'll settle into my oceanside spot. I'll drape the walls with striped fabric ... Cloth and easel in one corner... Maybe a vintage lamp of some sort. Then I want to lay in bed and cuddle all day. "With whom?" you ask, I haven't the slightest clue. I'll just day dream him... Oh my, where is the man of my dreams...?

"Harry, my dream is a code waiting to be broken. Break the code, solve the crime." -twin peaks 

Funny, this day was a pleasure. I loved every second. But really... There is no place like home. "From Carolina". I talk to friends more often now. More often than ever before... People actually 'think' about me? 

I think about others constantly... So many different people. But still I feel like I'm missing something. But what? I'm missing people. Not a place. All new land... So many people, but who are they to me? I came here to be something that I dreamed about. Now I am her... 

The arrows fly in all directions. I feel like I'm doing the right thing. Please let the pain subside around me.. Let me let go of the fear and relax. I am victim this time.. Vulnerable, but that is what makes me relatable. I hope. 

We thought about luna reflection... Thoughts to ourselves. I found my peace again. Realigned to the fashion of my veins ... The being that I am.

To touch each person like you care. That is the secret. It takes a certain energy to allow that touch. You can't teach it, it is  learned over time by oneself. You will not understand it unless you have it. If you have it you get scared and give it to no one. If no one gets it... There will be no more. 

Silver lining.

"Dreams burn, but in ashes are gold." Kings of convenience 24-25 

The lighting reminds me of a cloudy winter day at home, except its even more familiar than that. The ocean breeze is cool and takes me back years. To the days with the Russian girls, the cool breeze of summers end. I can feel the crisp newness of Puerto Rico, the 10th floor facing the Atlantic. It reminded me of California before I knew... All the memories flood together and instantly create the mood... The heavenly. I love lonely quiet days.. The soundtrack was brilliant, I learned a lot. 

Time to catch up with loved ones and reevaluate the present.. All I know is history, thank God. So I use my imagination, breathing the air that is mine. The life I came to conquer. "Home will always be there.." Right where I left off... Which in actuality is a tricky spot, best forgotten with time. 

The harmonious  voices & calm acoustics give me breathing room. I need a bit of piano.... 

I can feel the thoughts, careful not to have a complex... But the reassuring text have come right on cue. They help me remember that people believe in me. Believe in the curiosity that I strive to have everyday. Not everyone can... I was given the gift. I need to share. 

The ones who relate to me best are stunning, well put together souls that float around with dazzling feathers. I suppose they have veil like energy as well, I don't see why it would be any different with them. The further away... The more I see the love I have left behind.

"Will I ever feel better?"what is getting me now. Just me. Please don't get bored now... The fight I have with myself all days. 

Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:16 KJV)

Southern comfort.

Reminds me of spring today. The dream of biking to work came true. I don't know that I pictured it quite the same, but pretty close. It felt good to be alone. Independent. Now I can get somewhere...

I fell in love with Amelia yesterday evening. I could feel her... I knew I would find her. She is a 1973 'Carolina' blue Schwinn. Found at a quaint little bicycle shop on orange ave. I just loved the entire evening. Ali and I can now adventure around town... To the market. Like I stepped back in time, she fits perfectly. Only slightly heavier than I had planned for... The stairs are tough.

Settling sounds sweet now. The dream of having space to myself... a closet. I'm very simple ... I hardly need a corner. I envision my own view, my own door... The quiet safe haven that will be my new home. 

I can see the light now. From afar, though revisiting will bring me pleasure... "being" there brings me stagnant thoughts... That I will achieve nothing. The dream of real life this morning solidifies that when you work to achieve... two years later came true.  But now what? It's time to stop day dreaming... Stop wishing and make it happen. The lull of steadiness will give me time to study and advertise for myself. Makes me tired just thinking about it... I think I'll go for a bike ride. 

Glamour is a way of life.

 E. Arnot Robertson wrote in Picture Post, "I think Bette Davis would probably have been burned as a witch if she had lived two or three hundred years ago. She gives the curious feeling of being charged with power which can find no ordinary outlet."

Recurring signs and symbols that feel right. I have a calm that exists again. The breezy sensation that gives you relief. Three mile walk cleared my head & a bit of tension. This is a unique city, a beautiful place. You just have to know where to be. 

The wine date went well. Too good to be true? Time will answer that. Good things for me to come... And then I leave them. Repeatedly. This seems ideal for me. They all sit around and laugh with me.. Enticing. I like the attention, I will finally admit it. But it makes me shy. I look down and away because I know it is not mine to give... It was given to me and can so quickly be taken away.

The plan? White flags this time... Im letting the signs direct me for awhile. "What do you like to do?" ... Music. That is what I do. I dream, create and listen to music. I am a whimsical fairy in a strange land now. 

He said I had Bette Davis eyes... She had an unforgettable look. Droopy eyes that were her focal point. She wasn't really at all attractive, yet she caught every bit of your attention. That goes for many historically renowned women... The looks are not what get them through, it's the eyes. The character. The thorns that prick you and keep you smelling the 'roses'. 

Toning it down a bit now. The mystery will keep them intrigued... Keep me on my toes to be quiet. 

Found a mail box by a castle on first st. One block from the ocean and I'm staring at a gated medieval castle... Mailed him a letter. It's only fair. I took the time to make that for him. He has to know that I think about him. It is a reality. But I'm taking my time, trying to contain my excitement. Like a creature trapped in a jar... Seeing the outside offers so many choices. Choose wisely. Choose some one that cares to release you into the wild.

"Knights Of Cydonia"

                               ---Muse

Come ride with me

Through the veins of history

I'll show you how god

Falls asleep on the job

And how can we win

When fools can be kings

Don't waste your time

Or time will waste you

No one's gonna take me alive

The time has come to make things right

You and I must fight for our rights

You and I must fight to survive

The once was.

I remember sitting at the bar in the middle of winter laughing about how I had already passed my prime. Our dinner dates were random and we acted like a married couple of several years. He gave me blunt advice, quite the salty sailor.  Anchors that hold him steady in the ocean. He was correct, my body isn't in her early twenties... Unfortunate that I didn't get a photo. Once ago I had great legs and  worried about when they would leave me. Now I'd just rather not look. These legs get me from point a to b. they support my never ending effort to explore. I'm thankful they are small... I miss everything from the past today.

My present alarms me. Am I psychic? Or do I analyze the context clues better than others? I only need a few clues and then I can create answers. The mystery of my family history. The strangeness of the separation. At times it's just easier to escape town, then you don't have to live with the past. The trail of your ancestors. Fortunately I can make my own path now. 

The long cloak trails me. The heavy blood line that flows through my veins. I don't know much about it; best that I don't search. Those around me can feel the energy. It fills the room...  

Just imagine.

The type you fall in love with. The stunning view. "The new girl"... Our town is quite the same, except my best friend lives on this end. Slow the pace to make it work. Withering away all my things. Listening to "these days" by the black keys. The devil he listens well... Once you go that way. Hearing the crash of the ocean; I could get some good writing done. A group of people that notice if I'm around, if I just happen to not come home.
I can envision it now. Reassures me that first "dates" do indeed come along and sweep you off your feet. Natural selection. The universe places you together for a reason.

Last night was interesting. It was an event that I thought I wanted to attend, come to find out... It was boring. All the boys the same... And the ones that wear that "famous" clothing... Well they are not at all famous. Quite the opposite really... Poor kids posing as fakes. I'm not impressed with this anymore. All the potential is now gone... If you don't do something before you are twenty five, well you wasted a few years. That's all.

Love the one you're with.

The sunrise was heavenly. Golden lit clouds sat on a back drop of stormy blue. So beautiful these early Saturdays with my love. The town isn't awake, we have the place to ourselves. California sleeps in... We wake up early to move into stillness. Catching our breath again, slowing down enough to see the future. The teacher speaks of love... Who do you love? Set your intention ... Send your love the energy. My brain dances around with loved ones... I can see one face very clearly. I hope he can feel the love. Even three thousand miles ago.

I think I found my footing again. I must never quit my art. The art of beauty. Making people feel beautiful... Everyday. I wore my red lips today... And leather leggings. Appropriate for the occasion... Mirrors all around. The soundtrack is nice and the coffee comforting on the cool rainy day. The streets a quieter than usual... For a Saturday. It never rains here, this winter being the exception. I'm used to the falling water, constantly drenching me and my spirit. The sun returns much quicker here. Maybe tomorrow.

Message me soon. I am making the point to be enlightened now. Then maybe I'll catch a few more signs. I just need reassurance, but the cards don't always equal up. In life, I'm learning, you must give without expectation of receiving. To expect something in return is suffering... I have no extra energy to give to suffer. So I'll write another letter soon.  Not sure what angle I'll come from... This is a very fragile moment. A time when I am unsure of where I am going. He may want to know... I read that they sold out a show recently back east. I'm so very ecstatic that people are catching on. The crowd will continue to multiply if they keep inspired. The fans make the artist/musician. They bring them forward into public. Humans are natural followers. Only a select few weird creatures are leaders.... 

Let me give you some support.

Keeping a secret is tough. I've already said enough. I still haven't a clue but I can feel it better now. I am that much closer to the dreams. I get frustrated just talking about something. I have to do things. 

When is the time to leave? I don't know, but I know that this is going to be fun. I have a few years to play around and see how much I can travel. See the sights and write the words that will improve the world. I haven't lost hope quite yet...

The first one was beautiful. Wonderful. Exactly who I am looking for. It will be wonderful to see the world from the other side. I am strong enough now. I am ready to breathe and settle in. I found a picture I'm imaging in my life. Lennon and liberty. Music and art. The vision of light. I've seen her before.. We met somewhere on the east. She was by the sea swimming with the dolphins. The waves. The Sunday trips to rodanthe chasing waves ... Who knew we'd never see that road again. The view was priceless every single time. It was so perfect ... a thin bubble like glass that was about to fall to the ground and shatter. All the timing was exactly right. The summer thunderstorms and back porch picnic dinners... I have ended those times; panic in my head as i realize too much. I am at risk always. It may kill me, it may save me. I must ask for forgiveness. I pray that someone saves me.  

Alternate ending.

I didn't expect to part with her so soon, but our paths separated. She doesn't see her path, so she goes about constantly discovering new.  I have to stop here and make a life. I need a place. I need space. 

Lesson learned. Life changed in an instant. Envision a new outcome, new future. Keeps me on my toes. Thank goodness I stretch, else I wouldn't be so flexible. I have seen all this before, I can feel the "deja vu". 

So I think I'm in the right path. Wandering along, it's dark now. Led  strictly on faith. Trying to trust my instincts. It feels good to be released.

I am a troubled soul though. The world weighs on me, it's not an easy life. As it appears from the outside. There is more responsibility than I even realize. To keep my mind. Health and body balanced. It is the basis behind my career. My life goals. I have a feeling it's going to be a lonely life... Yet full of so many relationships... I just can't keep them long. The dependence is too much for me now because my task is.. Unknown. So I must stay prepared. 

So the saga continues... Just when you think it is done. It's never done. Or over  I suppose. 

Can the crazy please leave

My body for just a day

And let me see like all

The other mindless souls

Wandering this earth

Naive to the power they posses.

So they cling to other

Beauty on the outside

Tricking those who aren't paying

Attention to detail.

Release this tension

That won't leave my shoulders

Carrying too much weight for 

One small girl to handle.

Christmas Day.

This day represents family and an uncontrolled excitement for the gifts. Gifts of family and really good food. We would travel together and listen to Christmas music, mom loves it. She also gave us the love of the grinch. cindy lou who. I have a sense of alone today. 

I am going to face my fears. One at a time. Some days several at a time.  I need to converse more. Perhaps take it as far as being social... I've become so accustomed and content with my own company.  I can spend hours... Even days alone. It's not the happiest times. But at least I'm free from other people's needs and wants. 

"You might find more comfort in the people you left behind." Marie - the critters

For now I'm searching for comfort in the familiar. Familiar sounds, feelings, voices. The rhythm of a song... a lyric. Anything. I'm grabbing everything I can. 

Quietly resting and hiding away. I just can't see what I am so upset about. I'm just not confident in myself. I haven't satisfaction anymore. Selfish. 

I'm just guarded and reserved. Perhaps others should protect themselves better, save themselves the exhaustion of people constantly taking.

So today I pray for happiness. I pray for the sheer joy of achieving my goal. Merry Christmas to myself. I moved to California to make a new life. Away from everything I absolutely love. All of it. I have a busy year ahead of me. But once I figure it out here... I can be both places. Pain is only temporary. 

September 2012

the hope that humans are one

Loving soul connected by a spirit

That love can move mountains

And god created the world

That we can love each other

Truly and accept the hurt from others

That the faith keeps us grounded

And safe in vicious times.

The earth is a temporary haven

For good souls to convince

Others to join along...

Earth is their hell. Even then

They choose to not believe 

Sun tasted so good...

Until the last bite. It hurts.

Crawls up your spine and convinces 

You to look at the dark

Corners of people's souls...

Bringing out chaos and trauma

The pain hurts us here on earth

The lighter days are ahead of us

Where we will run with our father

Once again children... Of God. 

Sage.

( noun)

a profoundly wise person; a person famed for wisdom.

someone venerated for the possession of wisdom, judgment, and experience.

- adjective

wise, judicious, or prudent: sage advice.

Listening to music breathes life into me. Their love gives me hope. So far I've received all I've asked for. I didn't I know I would feel such pain. Such sadness and despair, I am relieved that I can't actually predict the future.  But the options overwhelm me, that is what brought me here.

So I stay alone a few days and hear my thoughts again. I come to terms that Christmas will be spent alone. I have accepted the idea, it sounds relaxing after the past few wild weeks. The separation from society seems refreshing. I actually want it now, the ocean. That is mine to have now... So off to see good friends, family actually, in Vegas. These two boys mean the world to me. Since we were fourteen they have drove me mad. But they have always taken care of me. They love me. I am the strong woman I am today because of all those boys. 

The morning was nice, you wouldn't know by all the tears. I have so much emotion. Just crying. It's ok to cry. It may be a sign of weakness, but it shows that you are human...then you have a revaluation of your life; yoga. 

On the cliff, bare winter trees allow the sun to actually bath you in energy. The view is breathtaking. I fell in love. I was thankful to be there. The clouds were pale, the colors will stick with me. Cool dark blue tones, those right before or after the storm. Tears streamed down my face while I practiced, breathing. The release of the tension. The healing power that you and the earth have. Together. I felt comfortable to let the saline stream fall, it gave  me a different energy that allowed me to move forward. Towards the end, I felt like a child, laughing and massaging  my feet, letting go of the past. All the trials. All the walking. The distance from me now is further. 

I wanted to say thank you after, I was grateful for the beautiful red head, brine, that graced my life and helped make me smile.  A woman of grace and power. Confident and very free from stress or pain. One day I will be her again. I noticed immediately after... a guy, nothing special... I felt that I needed to meet him. Minutes later I spoke up, and he said all the right things. All the things I needed to hear. He was curious. "It took a lot of strength to do what you just did". I wonder if he saw the sadness... I laughed. He was sad about how he missed his past and who he used to be.. But he realized that he already had that. He was happy he had it, now it is time to grow. He said it was the best and perfect time to show up to the west coast. The new world is upon us. I feel the heaviness of that wave, I've experienced it in a way that words will never describe, but that is life. I want to be a part of this movement in a way that no one understands. I want change and to make a difference. I want to be creative and balanced in life.  

I do see these visions of light everyday. I see them so perfectly. So epically that I have faith in my life. This new world I just discovered. Now to be discovered. Then I can make a change. 

Famous 

(adjective)

--having a widespread reputation, usually of a favorable nature; renowned; celebrated: a famous writer.

--Informal.  first-rate; excellent: The singer gave a famous performance.

--notorious (used pejoratively).

I'm only satisfied when I'm going somewhere... So I need to be able to move. To escape. To explore. That takes time, but I tasted it. As long as I have a few weeks.. Even just days to rest and be still.. Then I'm anxious to move again. I am blessed that this is my calling. I wished to be in an airport. Here I go...

12.21.12

Life is full of ever changing variables. change is enviable, guaranteed. Very few things are guaranteed,  promise nothing. A few select breathes, and death. An ending is promised, even foretold. The epilogue to the story, all the books. Most people dont listen until you are gone. If I can have them hear while I am alive.. More power. But I'm not concerned either way. I have much work to do.

Another day in my quiet paradise. I am very thankful for this stillness before it is a whirlwind. I am sure it will get wild, worth the lack of oxygen and rest. The sunglasses are an important side of business. I must dress and act the part of success before I will ever become it. 

Without money ... Free falling into the future. It's a gamble you take. I risk a lot of things daily now. Sometimes my safety, sometimes my pride. I'm trying to be as graceful as I can. This is all the gift. 

So I step back and look around. Not a bad view. I'm excited for the morning. The inspiration, the attention to detail. The ending was predicted for today, but no one had time to worry about it. I pray to god that an ending does come, to the current state of our world. A bright future lies ahead. One that reminds me of my childhood. 

Bravely done.

Everything seems late.  I haven't had much connection. So progress slowed down. I had to escape from the heavy weight of what was holding me back. The fear of being alone. 

Never let me go. -Florence and the machine. 

 And the arms of the ocean are carrying me

And all this devotion was rushing out of me

In the crushes of heaven for a sinner like me

But the arms of the ocean delivered me

Though the pressure's hard to take

It's the only way I can escape

It seems a heavy choice to make

And now I am under all

 I smile because today is beautiful. I noticed that alone is what I missed that most. I just needed the time to hear silence and not have someone ...  

When the sounds end.. The ocean continues.  I am never alone. The sea is always calling, the breeze dancing. 

 I need to have more faith in humans. We all have our issues. In a model of corrupt.. Our country was based on rebellion and most important, freedom... now no one is free, we are constantly monitored and controlled by a higher power.  They have us locked into what seems like an undeniably failing project.

So how does something so filthy change?  

I can only guess a crisis of compassion.  We've lost love and the passion for living. I look at the faces to see only blank stares. Very emotionless human bodies floating.

"Life isn't always a happy dance... But it is a dance nonetheless".  10.13.12

Harmony is beauty ... Life is a roller coaster. The ride that takes you up and down within seconds, moments that add themselves  together for your past. Until it has passed... do you really get to experience the situation.  I can't see any instant future, so there fore I see too many options.  I could easily just relax and let it just be, enjoy the beach and the sunshine.  But I'm completely out now, I have run through my security.. Time to remove the blanket. This is where every decisions counts and the days are numbered. 

I was drenched, seeing my skin covered and dripping with saline gave me relief.  One that brought teardrops blended into sweat.  The soundtrack was perfect, exactly what I needed to hear. To feel. To experience.  I pushed myself and learned that all of my years practicing gave me success. One breath. Seeing. My body in the mirror, an image I'm not accustomed to watching... She has good posture. Better now that ever before. She is more experienced, she is ready for the challenge. The lost pieces I will begin to gather, to collect them from the world. From those around me, from my love that is so happy to see me. I have missed her so. Only six years ago we met three thousand miles away, during the time where we found our art. Our sense of self and our youth . We found each other. We found hairstyling. There is so much more to style. It's a feeling that carries on for a long time. Days.. Weeks... Months worth of self confidence. We were trained to give that to humans.

Vanity. I know I touch on this often, but it is a reality. The responsibility of a realization. I need to trust my stomach and stay here to make it  home. I'm not ready to leave.... Maybe one day, home will be in his arms.

Six years from now... I have this vision.  I pictured this life for myself and now I am here.  So my vision is secure. A place in my career, a human to love... A home, a few flights to the east coast and maybe even a child. If I am so lucky to create life... I want a team life partner. I'm not looking anymore, it has drowned. So now I look for me. She is worth chasing.  

(All the lights... ) 

One in the morning. The quiet of the night. The clarity of the thoughts. I reunited with my love today. The one that brought me here.  She is a beautiful soul. One that brings me peace and grants me hope.

Never say never.  More than anything... When you say no, I keep pushing forward.  I push through all the imagery and then to explore the real. The moment of stop and go where you crash forward and accept that nothing is guaranteed and that one second could equal an eternity.  Perhaps it is impossible, it won't stop me because if there wasn't a fight... Then what is your point? What is your purpose? I  have one, several actually. Fortunately it includes an imagination and a struggle for seeing both beauty and a sense of now... I looked her straight in the eye... Who assumes that it could never happen. They have no idea. It was only him and I there. 

(12.18.12)

Sugar.

The chemicals are equivalent to that of pleasure. The surge of happiness that fills your insides and graces you with more energy. Move drive, more power. I tasted syrup today. The sharp edges of crystallized honey seeping off the pacific coastline. The sunset was that of a mirage, thick teal gray clusters that blended into the horizon, creating a glass like image. The power of the waves crashing, smoothed rocks and tangled your hair.  Cloud cover played cotton candy colors along the shore. That sight was memorable, possibly forever. If you think back a year it will give you a clue. I was childishly dreaming  of where I am today.  With an exception of course... I took a path that was yet uncovered and I couldn't imagine a thing. Now I am laying here in an west coast oceanside  mountain cabin... Last year I was in an east side oceanfront house with what I imagined as my future husband. The good thing about life is ... You don't always get what you wish for.

12.16.12