"How does that feel?" Jason lee

Vision of division - the strokes 

Today felt great. Chilly morning, bike ride to work this morning was brisk. I arrived to a pleasant surprise. I was able to sit in on the cutting class today... Thank goodness. I needed the insight ... The extra practice. He was an inspiring soul... Reminded me of someone. Mainly the way his mouth moved, was familiar. I was instantly attracted... I'm sure he gets that a lot. I decided to focus on his craft... The art of teaching hair. This is where I want to go... I want to learn. I want to educate. One step at a time... I think I have him interested.

What I choose to cover my body in today is fun. It speaks about me... Combat boots, leather leggings and a coathangers band tee... Hair pulled high, natural face and a silky champagne kimono... "I like that bit of flare". I love it. Roof top fashion show with myself in a mirror... The world likes it too. 

Bicoastal soon? I think so. I need to make a list of clients to contact... Then I can be everywhere. three weeks here...  one there. All my dreams will come true. Once you give up everything to do something... It's just easier. If you love something set it free, right? 

Christmas Day.

This day represents family and an uncontrolled excitement for the gifts. Gifts of family and really good food. We would travel together and listen to Christmas music, mom loves it. She also gave us the love of the grinch. cindy lou who. I have a sense of alone today. 

I am going to face my fears. One at a time. Some days several at a time.  I need to converse more. Perhaps take it as far as being social... I've become so accustomed and content with my own company.  I can spend hours... Even days alone. It's not the happiest times. But at least I'm free from other people's needs and wants. 

"You might find more comfort in the people you left behind." Marie - the critters

For now I'm searching for comfort in the familiar. Familiar sounds, feelings, voices. The rhythm of a song... a lyric. Anything. I'm grabbing everything I can. 

Quietly resting and hiding away. I just can't see what I am so upset about. I'm just not confident in myself. I haven't satisfaction anymore. Selfish. 

I'm just guarded and reserved. Perhaps others should protect themselves better, save themselves the exhaustion of people constantly taking.

So today I pray for happiness. I pray for the sheer joy of achieving my goal. Merry Christmas to myself. I moved to California to make a new life. Away from everything I absolutely love. All of it. I have a busy year ahead of me. But once I figure it out here... I can be both places. Pain is only temporary. 

the meaning.

on the road. day one.  it was stunning out today.  the time flew and after several hours we had conquered north carolina.  now we sleep in the mountains... in a beautiful old cottage on the west side.  the place has stories, it beams with character.  the view is crystal and the moon is a pale black light that illuminates and creates shadows in the dark.  i am ecstatic... erratic... and quite frankly something of a strange creature now.  i have no expectation.  we can't form a plan... it would interfere with the master plan.

it is a new life now.  i'm supposed to be in this dark room... red curtains.  the silence of a cold mountain town.  so now i crave the meaning.  i need a meaningful moment with someone soon.  it's difficult to create meaning because it takes time.  you have to have a bit of repetitive movement to make security.  you must have history to create comfort.  so i'll paint something.  something to calm my breathing.  the sound of piano... covering today's "hits" is comforting.  i try and fill in the lyrics every so often... keeps the mystery.


Something in the way she moves
Attracts me like no other lover
Something in the way she woos me
I don't want to leave her now
You know I believe and how

Somewhere in her smile she knows
That I don't need no other lover
Something in her style that shows me
I don't want to leave her now
You know I believe and how

You're asking me will my love grow
I don't know, I don't know
You stick around now, it may show

I don't know, I don't know

the beatles