"The bands were like the glue."

Sitting still of a while yesterday evening gave me a chance to collect my thoughts. The realization of the present sits... Still. A bit of music goes a long way. Watching a documentary of the beginning of sixties rock in the U.k. Made me realize a few things... Lots of drugs take a toll on your body. It makes your brain tick a little differently. Changes the sights and shapes. Alters the long term outcome. 

They had something no one did. The edge or advantage because they were new. Playing five to seven minute songs, the unique live shows... Throwing around sounds for hours that kept their fans enticed and in a trance of a spinning daze. Most of them were tripping on acid anyway... They are Pink Floyd. Anonymous makers of sound... A light show of sorts. The first to use colored liquid on slides to create liquid lava lights... Hiding their identity, their faces.  It's the sections that were never recorded that bring the most memory. A free fall over a minor chord... 

The mix of pride and shame is the story of the west. You give up everything for the greatest adventure of your life. The struggle to remain yourself.  The west is the most powerful energy... It is the regenerative source of America. 

No one can argue something that comes from within. We are humans... Some of it is marvelous.  Some of it was horrible. 

Either way it is done now. So I'm listening to the signs and assessing the damage. The fear. My brain breaks down the worry at night ... Giving me weird visions and illusions. Waking up to remain out of the false feelings.. The false occurrence of something so scary. Except my life here is real. Those dreams are not.

History will indeed repeat its self, where else is there to go? "Round and round on this merry go 'round". It's only a matter of time before the youth must stop being so naive and realize that 'we' are the change we wish to see. Such a waste, most of our youth.. Clouded with a messy loop of unnecessary priorities... Scrambled by the distraction of technology. Taking over the world at an uncanny rate... No one can slow it down. So it's up to us to keep up or get left behind. I choose to use my body and skills to better mankind... Please grant me strength and confidence to make this real. 

Alternate ending.

I didn't expect to part with her so soon, but our paths separated. She doesn't see her path, so she goes about constantly discovering new.  I have to stop here and make a life. I need a place. I need space. 

Lesson learned. Life changed in an instant. Envision a new outcome, new future. Keeps me on my toes. Thank goodness I stretch, else I wouldn't be so flexible. I have seen all this before, I can feel the "deja vu". 

So I think I'm in the right path. Wandering along, it's dark now. Led  strictly on faith. Trying to trust my instincts. It feels good to be released.

I am a troubled soul though. The world weighs on me, it's not an easy life. As it appears from the outside. There is more responsibility than I even realize. To keep my mind. Health and body balanced. It is the basis behind my career. My life goals. I have a feeling it's going to be a lonely life... Yet full of so many relationships... I just can't keep them long. The dependence is too much for me now because my task is.. Unknown. So I must stay prepared. 

So the saga continues... Just when you think it is done. It's never done. Or over  I suppose. 

Can the crazy please leave

My body for just a day

And let me see like all

The other mindless souls

Wandering this earth

Naive to the power they posses.

So they cling to other

Beauty on the outside

Tricking those who aren't paying

Attention to detail.

Release this tension

That won't leave my shoulders

Carrying too much weight for 

One small girl to handle.

Sugar.

The chemicals are equivalent to that of pleasure. The surge of happiness that fills your insides and graces you with more energy. Move drive, more power. I tasted syrup today. The sharp edges of crystallized honey seeping off the pacific coastline. The sunset was that of a mirage, thick teal gray clusters that blended into the horizon, creating a glass like image. The power of the waves crashing, smoothed rocks and tangled your hair.  Cloud cover played cotton candy colors along the shore. That sight was memorable, possibly forever. If you think back a year it will give you a clue. I was childishly dreaming  of where I am today.  With an exception of course... I took a path that was yet uncovered and I couldn't imagine a thing. Now I am laying here in an west coast oceanside  mountain cabin... Last year I was in an east side oceanfront house with what I imagined as my future husband. The good thing about life is ... You don't always get what you wish for.

12.16.12

(12.2.12)

The anger of being uncomfortable... "That means you are doing something." I'm upset because I'm over it.. As much fun as it should be... I'd rather just do it all alone sometimes. It is just who I am. Not everyone can be so happy... The world would be lame if that were the case. We'd all just smile and get along. Instead I would rather be angry. It is going to toughen  the skin that I own. The skin that is thin... I just want an actual companion now.. Instead of drunken lost souls. Alcohol makes things a mess. He must be able to be sober with me. Being drunk isn't a good look. Seeing it on her made me realize what a waste...

I pray he comes soon, I'm starting to lose faith that I even deserve anyone to hold. Someone who is quiet and understands that brilliance is far beyond words. It is a sense of calm in the chaos. It is understanding the world... It is understanding yourself and standing your ground.  It is stopping to breathe... The fresh air that renews us, even if all of your friends would just rather pollute your surroundings. God please clean the air.   

there is no sense in jumping to conclusions.  i guess the closest i could get today was far... but its like at any moment... living that life is exhausting.  it's better to just not a have a clue, i guess i like surprises more than i thought.  you can't rush destiny, i just wish i could feel comfort...  every once in a while.  i'm so used to giving out all of myself, i need someone to help me recharge.

i saw an older couple out tonight, they were adorable.  so affectionate, in a subtle way... but i loved seeing the history of their relationship.  it gives me a tiny bit of hope, even though i'm pretty sure that it has become impossible for our generation to love.  we had no good examples.  just a bunch of jumbled messages... now we require instant satisfaction... or we quickly move on.

i need that feeling in my stomach to disappear.  i'm tired of living this life like some "love" is going to solve anything.. the distraction from where i'm really headed.  i'm leaving all of this behind.  i think she should go with us... i'm going to need another soul with me for this journey.  "soul searching".  finding the meaning of life... because i now realize that it has nothing to do with work or money.  there is more than we can ever fathom.  all of the materialistic things here on earth will be meaningless to us in our future.  

i'm just overwhelmed and a bit bummed that i can't figure him out.  if i could though; i would have no interest in him at all... and then that would be the end.  i like a never ending story the best.  the dark mysterious shadow.  "sometimes depression gives you the same feeling as joy."  i found truth in that tonight.  i don't want to think about anything anymore.  letting go of love for awhile... i'm all used up. 

the meaning.

on the road. day one.  it was stunning out today.  the time flew and after several hours we had conquered north carolina.  now we sleep in the mountains... in a beautiful old cottage on the west side.  the place has stories, it beams with character.  the view is crystal and the moon is a pale black light that illuminates and creates shadows in the dark.  i am ecstatic... erratic... and quite frankly something of a strange creature now.  i have no expectation.  we can't form a plan... it would interfere with the master plan.

it is a new life now.  i'm supposed to be in this dark room... red curtains.  the silence of a cold mountain town.  so now i crave the meaning.  i need a meaningful moment with someone soon.  it's difficult to create meaning because it takes time.  you have to have a bit of repetitive movement to make security.  you must have history to create comfort.  so i'll paint something.  something to calm my breathing.  the sound of piano... covering today's "hits" is comforting.  i try and fill in the lyrics every so often... keeps the mystery.


Something in the way she moves
Attracts me like no other lover
Something in the way she woos me
I don't want to leave her now
You know I believe and how

Somewhere in her smile she knows
That I don't need no other lover
Something in her style that shows me
I don't want to leave her now
You know I believe and how

You're asking me will my love grow
I don't know, I don't know
You stick around now, it may show

I don't know, I don't know

the beatles

i will follow you into the dark

                       - death cab for cutie

       leaves (2002) -    leaves fall to the ground like tears
                       covering the grass
                       a naked tree stands alone.

the last night in my bed at home.  this place is full of memories... the fun times with my family.  the late night music sessions... the alone time, paintings... the loudest music.  i found myself here in this place.  lucky for me my father built me a beach house instead of a tree house.  he feeds the birds... i loved hearing them in the mornings.  the late nights and struggles to get to work on time.  the responsibility of living alone... i was a young twenty with a real job. plus two other jobs...  late nights and early mornings.    i'm so thankful i could get to work by the oceanside road.  i am happy for the wonderful time, but a world awaits me.  this one was ever so perfect.

Oh I wanna dance with somebody,
I wanna feel the heat.
Yeah I wanna dance with somebody,
With somebody who loves me.
Somebody who loves me,
To hold me in his arms.
I need a man who'll take a chance,
On a love that burns hot enough to last.
So when the night falls,
My lonely heart calls.
dance with somebody - whitney houston

so i have a blank canvas now.  i am the artist standing there... still for awhile.  waiting for the spell to be cast... the spell that causes all my paint to spill & create the shapes and designs that i fall in love with.  artwork worth the time.  that changes perspective. that alter egos... that is remembered.  the brilliance of  being an artist.  it eventually will consume your life.  it's a chance you take, but once you are in... you are in for life.  i'm diving deep for this challenge.  you only get one life... i'm not the type to play it safe.  

i want more.  i need more at this point in my life.  twenty five years later and i'm her.  i'm who i pretended to be all along.  i created her as a child.  now i stand in front of a mirror and stare.  she is... me?  i love her.  i'm absolutely in love with her.  so now i must go... she must see the world.  share the love that is possible for all of us.  i'll meet my dark side soon enough.  for now i'll get a good night's sleep in my california king.  i'll dream of my king one last night here on the island.  then to higher ground.  from sea to mountains. i will follow you. 

i'd rather dance with you.

i'm bored with words.  i create them so well its become annoying.  i'm just pretending, creating the entire scenario... i'm ready for some touch.  i want to feel it in my soul.

the perfect day was yesterday.  all my favorite elements.  it was so overwhelmingly beautiful that i cried.  all the pieces i'm beginning to find them.  it makes sense.  he is right. "i'm absolutely ridiculous". i'm just hopeful... i hugged her and cried.  we don't cry much together, we don't really even chatter much.  what we say is important.  she is my best friend, everything i strive to be.  everything that i strive to become.  she is a mysterious woman.  one that gives out all her love, she is so beautiful... so absolutely brilliant.  she has amazing taste in music and the entertaining arts. she is mother and she is why i am this sliver of light.

"dancing with the beast...it takes money and airplanes." - Toyko vampires&wolves . the wombats

if you love me let me go.  i witnessed the union of love yesterday.  my cousin and his best friend.  what a wonderful family.  it is lovely.  i was underdressed. "i didn't know there would be super model's there". hilarious.  i am a free spirit & sometimes i look homeless.  technically this is true, the freedom of travel.  it teaches you things.

the advice from friends is a priceless treasure.  they influence every aspect of this... this world that i live in.  strange times.  it moves faster now, so fast that my normal entertainments have been pushed to the side, only a bit of time to sleep.  i must move west now.  the time has come to go.  to go on the adventure that will help me grow.  help me to change.  i am letting it go now.  my security... my home.  dorothy said it best "there's no place like home." but for now i'm entering a colorful dream land.  when i return i can create a new life here.  one that doesn't involve the creatures of night, the one's that take your soul.  i need my escape now.  it's just too much.  "you need to go..."

one more slow dance please.  i hope there is one more left in the cards for us.