The once was.

I remember sitting at the bar in the middle of winter laughing about how I had already passed my prime. Our dinner dates were random and we acted like a married couple of several years. He gave me blunt advice, quite the salty sailor.  Anchors that hold him steady in the ocean. He was correct, my body isn't in her early twenties... Unfortunate that I didn't get a photo. Once ago I had great legs and  worried about when they would leave me. Now I'd just rather not look. These legs get me from point a to b. they support my never ending effort to explore. I'm thankful they are small... I miss everything from the past today.

My present alarms me. Am I psychic? Or do I analyze the context clues better than others? I only need a few clues and then I can create answers. The mystery of my family history. The strangeness of the separation. At times it's just easier to escape town, then you don't have to live with the past. The trail of your ancestors. Fortunately I can make my own path now. 

The long cloak trails me. The heavy blood line that flows through my veins. I don't know much about it; best that I don't search. Those around me can feel the energy. It fills the room...  

Bravely done.

Everything seems late.  I haven't had much connection. So progress slowed down. I had to escape from the heavy weight of what was holding me back. The fear of being alone. 

Never let me go. -Florence and the machine. 

 And the arms of the ocean are carrying me

And all this devotion was rushing out of me

In the crushes of heaven for a sinner like me

But the arms of the ocean delivered me

Though the pressure's hard to take

It's the only way I can escape

It seems a heavy choice to make

And now I am under all

 I smile because today is beautiful. I noticed that alone is what I missed that most. I just needed the time to hear silence and not have someone ...  

When the sounds end.. The ocean continues.  I am never alone. The sea is always calling, the breeze dancing. 

 I need to have more faith in humans. We all have our issues. In a model of corrupt.. Our country was based on rebellion and most important, freedom... now no one is free, we are constantly monitored and controlled by a higher power.  They have us locked into what seems like an undeniably failing project.

So how does something so filthy change?  

I can only guess a crisis of compassion.  We've lost love and the passion for living. I look at the faces to see only blank stares. Very emotionless human bodies floating.

Sugar.

The chemicals are equivalent to that of pleasure. The surge of happiness that fills your insides and graces you with more energy. Move drive, more power. I tasted syrup today. The sharp edges of crystallized honey seeping off the pacific coastline. The sunset was that of a mirage, thick teal gray clusters that blended into the horizon, creating a glass like image. The power of the waves crashing, smoothed rocks and tangled your hair.  Cloud cover played cotton candy colors along the shore. That sight was memorable, possibly forever. If you think back a year it will give you a clue. I was childishly dreaming  of where I am today.  With an exception of course... I took a path that was yet uncovered and I couldn't imagine a thing. Now I am laying here in an west coast oceanside  mountain cabin... Last year I was in an east side oceanfront house with what I imagined as my future husband. The good thing about life is ... You don't always get what you wish for.

12.16.12

How does that grab you.

other people want to keep in touch

something happens and its not enough 

12.12.11 I just want to find the balance of being independently amazing & being madly in love. 

Give me mystery & clarity.  The west coast highway explains the feeling.  I felt several in our short hours drive.  I felt the past gone, yet revisiting for reminders.  I needed to be reminded of the fragile line of love & hate. It's much like riding the edge of a cliff side. The mountains and ocean in one look. 

The small chance of hope.  The one second when you stop and worry with what you want. Breathing the ocean air in this town. Seeing the friendship and characters... Surfers.  Familiar sounds. Familiar sights to soften the fall.  

So I sit still and I am the normal consistency.  The stream of saline calmed my nerves.  You just have to release feelings. I suppose my mother understands. So now I get my life back... The following days will be important. Our small cottage is a place to rest and relax. Write a few letters and understand that falling in love is a process in the making.  Our futures will collide soon enough. I will enjoy my last few lonely months... So I can recall them later...

Love letters

The unusual display of affection. Words are an art form of them selves. They are the side door to the soul.. The intimacy of a written letter. I dream of getting a love letter.. That piece of something that means someone has time for you.  Time to sit down and create feelings with hand written blurbs from the heart.  No eraser, no spell check. If done in pen... Permanent. Actually I use letters a lot, it helps me get my feelings out... It's not always the best idea.

I'm going to give old romance a chance.  It's worth a try, I need some passion  soon.  She said it was on his list.

Today was beautiful.  Breakfast first with a lovely lady... Some browsing in Mission San Fran. The fabric store inspired me... I remembered how I used to sew all of my dolls clothes... And after seeing Diane Von Furstenburgs watercolor clothes sketches... I'm going to make my own French girl dresses... French girl with a modern east/west coast flair. To stand out, yet blend in.  

I love our phone conversations.. It's a feeling I haven't had in awhile.  Just hearing his voice brings a smile to my life.  He sang me songs and reassured my doubts.  I miss him, I miss our time.  Soon though I believe we will be together, that is a thing I've wanted for some time.  I think we know already that we will coexist well, we've already tested the water. For now it's cool to the touch.  He knows me well... I think he misses me too.  It's quite a feeling to know you are loved, I hope I can return the favor. 

Welcome to California

Three thousand miles ago... We are across the country. Far away from our past. Onward to who I strive to become.

The time will come when I can leave at any moment. Jet setting and fashion shows. A few classes and maybe even a hair salon.  Those are just to name a few.. Maybe a yacht and an island home. All this takes time and patience, perseverance and timing. Timing is everything.  I'm ready to cross the line and make something happen. 

Everything is different. But I feel a sense of calm now that we are finally here. I experienced some tension along the way, I now have a second to breathe.  Just one breath. The cars move along now quickly and consecutively... Symbolizing how quickly life passes by and the thing you always dreamed of is done and over. The cross country trip I dreamed of... Is done.  What a beautiful experience. I may have slept through a bit of it... But I've always slept at inopportune times. 

Sunset sinner.

The end of a chapter. Today made me realize that those times are past . Seeing the mountains and canyons ... Heavenly.  I imagine that heaven was a bit like today. The firery colors that changed forever, burning away the horizon. Setting fire to the static life that I had become trapped in. Now I get to see the la lights... Awake now the gold coast and all that shimmer and shines. 

The naked poem series.  Poetry in the morning... Start the day with addictions. Each one with a story to tell, covered in the running paint of controlled chaos.  the raw pencil lines leave room for detail and mistake. The clear coat to protect the ever changing lines.  

San Francisco... Gentle people with flowers in their hair. The history of the trip... The explanation of movement.  Only eight-hundred miles until the other end of our adventure.  The beginning of my artistic journey.  I have dreamed so much the last couple of weeks, the imagination creates all sorts of stories without a plan. Fill in the blanks for awhile. So I am hitting the highway... What a scene. 

Simmered yellow and gold threads

Laced about a cotton

Field of soaked merlot

And cinnamon spills.

The blaze of flames covers

Forever of sand and fault

Lines of fence and 

Barren lands.

Heavenly painter of the skies

Designed this one for us.

The crystal gate slides 

To the side for a quick

Desperate  glimpse.

Taste of molasses 

Taints the other naive souls

Roaming through 

But forever missing

Their purpose.

In the crease of great

And glorious seconds

With only one minute to spare

to glance at this fire

That saves us. 

there is no sense in jumping to conclusions.  i guess the closest i could get today was far... but its like at any moment... living that life is exhausting.  it's better to just not a have a clue, i guess i like surprises more than i thought.  you can't rush destiny, i just wish i could feel comfort...  every once in a while.  i'm so used to giving out all of myself, i need someone to help me recharge.

i saw an older couple out tonight, they were adorable.  so affectionate, in a subtle way... but i loved seeing the history of their relationship.  it gives me a tiny bit of hope, even though i'm pretty sure that it has become impossible for our generation to love.  we had no good examples.  just a bunch of jumbled messages... now we require instant satisfaction... or we quickly move on.

i need that feeling in my stomach to disappear.  i'm tired of living this life like some "love" is going to solve anything.. the distraction from where i'm really headed.  i'm leaving all of this behind.  i think she should go with us... i'm going to need another soul with me for this journey.  "soul searching".  finding the meaning of life... because i now realize that it has nothing to do with work or money.  there is more than we can ever fathom.  all of the materialistic things here on earth will be meaningless to us in our future.  

i'm just overwhelmed and a bit bummed that i can't figure him out.  if i could though; i would have no interest in him at all... and then that would be the end.  i like a never ending story the best.  the dark mysterious shadow.  "sometimes depression gives you the same feeling as joy."  i found truth in that tonight.  i don't want to think about anything anymore.  letting go of love for awhile... i'm all used up. 

thoughts.  everything is about to be new.  i am ready.  i would imagine that this is how dying feels.  except i'm filled with the excitement from joy of the detour.  it gave me extra time.  to see friends and family.  i needed to learn a few more things before i left this island.  this place of childhood.  i'm walking away from it now...   i'm so thankful the sun is out.  it makes the air feel clean and revitalizing. i sat on the deck today to meditate. quickly... not much time.  i'll miss this, but the sun will follow me where ever i go.

only hours left.  i'm feeling overwhelmed with clothing.  i love clothes.  a little too much... they are just merely material, but i see so much potential in each one now that it is time to eliminate.  i see use for it in california, i hope anyway.  i'll learn to pack light later, maybe i'll just sell everything.  this is the life that i chose.  i chose to have this freedom to pack a bag (ha several bags) and leave.  this is really the beginning of something new... not the end at all.

im saving my emotion and energy now.  i must stay calm for a few weeks and just take all of this in.  the land. the country. the music. the love. spreading the love.  then when i get to california i want to learn.  learn until i just have to sleep for a few days.  take it all in.  i need to hear piano music soon.  from a human that is with me. you get just one day at a time.

i'd rather dance with you.

i'm bored with words.  i create them so well its become annoying.  i'm just pretending, creating the entire scenario... i'm ready for some touch.  i want to feel it in my soul.

the perfect day was yesterday.  all my favorite elements.  it was so overwhelmingly beautiful that i cried.  all the pieces i'm beginning to find them.  it makes sense.  he is right. "i'm absolutely ridiculous". i'm just hopeful... i hugged her and cried.  we don't cry much together, we don't really even chatter much.  what we say is important.  she is my best friend, everything i strive to be.  everything that i strive to become.  she is a mysterious woman.  one that gives out all her love, she is so beautiful... so absolutely brilliant.  she has amazing taste in music and the entertaining arts. she is mother and she is why i am this sliver of light.

"dancing with the beast...it takes money and airplanes." - Toyko vampires&wolves . the wombats

if you love me let me go.  i witnessed the union of love yesterday.  my cousin and his best friend.  what a wonderful family.  it is lovely.  i was underdressed. "i didn't know there would be super model's there". hilarious.  i am a free spirit & sometimes i look homeless.  technically this is true, the freedom of travel.  it teaches you things.

the advice from friends is a priceless treasure.  they influence every aspect of this... this world that i live in.  strange times.  it moves faster now, so fast that my normal entertainments have been pushed to the side, only a bit of time to sleep.  i must move west now.  the time has come to go.  to go on the adventure that will help me grow.  help me to change.  i am letting it go now.  my security... my home.  dorothy said it best "there's no place like home." but for now i'm entering a colorful dream land.  when i return i can create a new life here.  one that doesn't involve the creatures of night, the one's that take your soul.  i need my escape now.  it's just too much.  "you need to go..."

one more slow dance please.  i hope there is one more left in the cards for us.