Lion.

If I could work up the courage to just say something. I've heard nerves will paralyze you... Stop you in you tracks. I don't know why I'm having these feelings. I think I've been here before. 

Seeing a year from now is grand. It will be the day I say I do... Then we will celebrate with our friends the new year. One year ago I was planning my life out exactly how it happened. I made it happen. Proof that I can make it all happen... 

Crazy lady. The new year for me symbolizes change. Something completely and utterly new. Yet somehow it is completely familiar.  This is my year to love those around me, we all need it. It is a time to spread beauty. It is a year to visit home and also visit friends around the world. It is a year to make a name for myself. A year to discover new music and new talent. I am very excited now. 

I'm going to meet a few of the 'right' people soon.. Actually I've already met them. I know them, now I just need time with them. The eve of the new year. This year was amazing. More than I could ever imagine. More than the average person can fathom. Could've been a movie... One day a book. 

So here's to the last day of 2012. The year we were all supposed to die. The end of the earth. I believe it was the end... Silently. The end of a society that seeks freedom... But was blinded by greed. The end of capitalism... I hope to see this "new" world. I'll at least witness the cusp of it. The silver lining that shines where we can live naturally and freely. Without control from the corrupt power of today. Our nation cries out now... The remainder are zombies. I hope that something can bring them back to life... I know the feeling. His music did it for me. 

Love the one you're with.

The sunrise was heavenly. Golden lit clouds sat on a back drop of stormy blue. So beautiful these early Saturdays with my love. The town isn't awake, we have the place to ourselves. California sleeps in... We wake up early to move into stillness. Catching our breath again, slowing down enough to see the future. The teacher speaks of love... Who do you love? Set your intention ... Send your love the energy. My brain dances around with loved ones... I can see one face very clearly. I hope he can feel the love. Even three thousand miles ago.

I think I found my footing again. I must never quit my art. The art of beauty. Making people feel beautiful... Everyday. I wore my red lips today... And leather leggings. Appropriate for the occasion... Mirrors all around. The soundtrack is nice and the coffee comforting on the cool rainy day. The streets a quieter than usual... For a Saturday. It never rains here, this winter being the exception. I'm used to the falling water, constantly drenching me and my spirit. The sun returns much quicker here. Maybe tomorrow.

Message me soon. I am making the point to be enlightened now. Then maybe I'll catch a few more signs. I just need reassurance, but the cards don't always equal up. In life, I'm learning, you must give without expectation of receiving. To expect something in return is suffering... I have no extra energy to give to suffer. So I'll write another letter soon.  Not sure what angle I'll come from... This is a very fragile moment. A time when I am unsure of where I am going. He may want to know... I read that they sold out a show recently back east. I'm so very ecstatic that people are catching on. The crowd will continue to multiply if they keep inspired. The fans make the artist/musician. They bring them forward into public. Humans are natural followers. Only a select few weird creatures are leaders.... 

How does that grab you.

other people want to keep in touch

something happens and its not enough 

12.12.11 I just want to find the balance of being independently amazing & being madly in love. 

Give me mystery & clarity.  The west coast highway explains the feeling.  I felt several in our short hours drive.  I felt the past gone, yet revisiting for reminders.  I needed to be reminded of the fragile line of love & hate. It's much like riding the edge of a cliff side. The mountains and ocean in one look. 

The small chance of hope.  The one second when you stop and worry with what you want. Breathing the ocean air in this town. Seeing the friendship and characters... Surfers.  Familiar sounds. Familiar sights to soften the fall.  

So I sit still and I am the normal consistency.  The stream of saline calmed my nerves.  You just have to release feelings. I suppose my mother understands. So now I get my life back... The following days will be important. Our small cottage is a place to rest and relax. Write a few letters and understand that falling in love is a process in the making.  Our futures will collide soon enough. I will enjoy my last few lonely months... So I can recall them later...

Do you believe in magic?

In a young girls heart 

It can free her

Whenever it starts

I'll tell you about the magic

It'll free your soul

But it's like trying to tell a stranger 'bout rock and roll.

-the lovin' spoonful

Where to begin? The red and black streaks remind me that hell is sometimes upon us.. At other times you can glimpse at heaven.  When you jump back and forth is when you begin to notice the difference. You begin to see the bright and appreciate the security and comfort of the familiar. 

I'm beginning to notice that money isn't the meaning. When money  is the meaning it makes life pointless. When life is pointless you become hopeless. Once hopeless you can't find happiness... Then you create a negative space.

Where should I look now? I have several options. I should keep the doors open but I don't have any interest in other doors right now. Only a few of the already 'cracked' ones draw my attention.  I'll just look around. I need to stay focused on the moment. But I never will. My head hurts. I'm exhausted now and can't look anymore. I need silence to rest my eyes. 

last day.

the instance when all the space is occupied with flesh, not one inch went to waste.  it was a good feeling to be one with another... the skin of our numb bodies together in an action of sorts.  i'm not sure where we were going with this.. but the feeling was priceless.
all the songs added together... unfortunately i was being strange and don't remember any of them.  i also was so distracted that my black tank and leather leggings were the least of my worries.  instead i traveled around with the fur and sound... writing poems on the kitchen floor.  at three am ... offers bounds of inspiration.  too bad all feelings hurt.. even the tears are like needles that stab deep into the soul.  i'm just no longer even interested in looking at other souls.  for no one... the dress up game is for you.  the mystery of material.  the love source of alittle lace... the instance when you realize that the bra you decided to wear is just a bit uncomfortable and a few scars will never stop you...

(excerpt from the lingerie diary)