listen to:
wax tailor - how i feel 

stephen marley - someone to love 

 

Woke up early before the light to ride a big red bus along the pacific coast highway. We caught the early glimpse of dawn and began our practice right as the sun graced the mountain top. The frigid northern breeze froze my fingers and toes... Making the movements a frozen numb feeling of... Pain. Causing me to focus on keeping the breath sequence and extremity movement. I was surprised at what the mind can alter. Just as I was feeling hopeless... Feeling like giving in to the freezing feeling... The sun heated my body and soul. I had completed the task and was rewarded with a warm breakfast.

We stood around a fire and mediated about the coming year. I wrote my intentions for the year on a best western notepad... Listing my aspirations and goals... To fall in love, explore and create art. Then I became distracted and doodled about CRITTER MANIA 2013. The drawing consisted of wild lines... Tracing each other and moving about like a animal.. A fuzzy frenzy of red lines. I admired the doodle... Then set it up in flames. Watching the paper quickly turn to ash... All my wildest dreams will come true.

We ride bikes downtown and grab a lovely brunch at two umbrellas before work. The diner is a dive from the late eighties...  The soundtrack reflects the decor. Our sugar covered toast and veggie hash is the perfect compliment to the already stunning Saturday. This was on my "list". So I cross coffee date with Ali cat off.. Another goal, another day.

Each morning I wish for the best day... The days are adding up quickly. Soon I'll settle into my oceanside spot. I'll drape the walls with striped fabric ... Cloth and easel in one corner... Maybe a vintage lamp of some sort. Then I want to lay in bed and cuddle all day. "With whom?" you ask, I haven't the slightest clue. I'll just day dream him... Oh my, where is the man of my dreams...?

Lion.

If I could work up the courage to just say something. I've heard nerves will paralyze you... Stop you in you tracks. I don't know why I'm having these feelings. I think I've been here before. 

Seeing a year from now is grand. It will be the day I say I do... Then we will celebrate with our friends the new year. One year ago I was planning my life out exactly how it happened. I made it happen. Proof that I can make it all happen... 

Crazy lady. The new year for me symbolizes change. Something completely and utterly new. Yet somehow it is completely familiar.  This is my year to love those around me, we all need it. It is a time to spread beauty. It is a year to visit home and also visit friends around the world. It is a year to make a name for myself. A year to discover new music and new talent. I am very excited now. 

I'm going to meet a few of the 'right' people soon.. Actually I've already met them. I know them, now I just need time with them. The eve of the new year. This year was amazing. More than I could ever imagine. More than the average person can fathom. Could've been a movie... One day a book. 

So here's to the last day of 2012. The year we were all supposed to die. The end of the earth. I believe it was the end... Silently. The end of a society that seeks freedom... But was blinded by greed. The end of capitalism... I hope to see this "new" world. I'll at least witness the cusp of it. The silver lining that shines where we can live naturally and freely. Without control from the corrupt power of today. Our nation cries out now... The remainder are zombies. I hope that something can bring them back to life... I know the feeling. His music did it for me. 

The catalyst.

 The way things go... As equally as they come.  His negative energy pushed me away from my home... Pushed me to a new dimension... Changed my perspective. Now I am so far away still.. I feel even further from my goal than before.  It is a thin line for security. A frail thread that could snap and send me home. 

A castaway from my own land... My own life. I just don't fit in anywhere anymore... I haven't interest in what others are rambling about ... The drunken mist that they subject themselves to... He said the most hilarious thing... They will eventually kill themselves off, then we won't have to worry with their negative energy. Those that are crazy enough to believe that they can change the world ... Will.  Willpower is a drug.  

Drugs. I have new ones now... I bore easily.  I moved on from the need to be stupid, it's not a good look. Occasionally drinking makes dancing easier, but I have to have good music for that.  The "usuals" don't understand good music, really they just sway around for anything.  I've been very passive lately, it's a new look I'm trying on.  But my body is calling out for help, she needs to stretch, breathe and move.  I miss my powerful French influence. I miss her passion and direction, she knew exactly what my body needed.  She mentioned before I left that "those" around me might not be accepting to me... I understand what she meant by that.  Negatives are turned off by positive. They will try and take all that you posses. Fair enough. Now I just have to work that much harder.  I haven't time for petty nonsense and substance abuse. I need to cancel all of it out.