listen to:
wax tailor - how i feel 

stephen marley - someone to love 

 

Woke up early before the light to ride a big red bus along the pacific coast highway. We caught the early glimpse of dawn and began our practice right as the sun graced the mountain top. The frigid northern breeze froze my fingers and toes... Making the movements a frozen numb feeling of... Pain. Causing me to focus on keeping the breath sequence and extremity movement. I was surprised at what the mind can alter. Just as I was feeling hopeless... Feeling like giving in to the freezing feeling... The sun heated my body and soul. I had completed the task and was rewarded with a warm breakfast.

We stood around a fire and mediated about the coming year. I wrote my intentions for the year on a best western notepad... Listing my aspirations and goals... To fall in love, explore and create art. Then I became distracted and doodled about CRITTER MANIA 2013. The drawing consisted of wild lines... Tracing each other and moving about like a animal.. A fuzzy frenzy of red lines. I admired the doodle... Then set it up in flames. Watching the paper quickly turn to ash... All my wildest dreams will come true.

We ride bikes downtown and grab a lovely brunch at two umbrellas before work. The diner is a dive from the late eighties...  The soundtrack reflects the decor. Our sugar covered toast and veggie hash is the perfect compliment to the already stunning Saturday. This was on my "list". So I cross coffee date with Ali cat off.. Another goal, another day.

Each morning I wish for the best day... The days are adding up quickly. Soon I'll settle into my oceanside spot. I'll drape the walls with striped fabric ... Cloth and easel in one corner... Maybe a vintage lamp of some sort. Then I want to lay in bed and cuddle all day. "With whom?" you ask, I haven't the slightest clue. I'll just day dream him... Oh my, where is the man of my dreams...?

Lion.

If I could work up the courage to just say something. I've heard nerves will paralyze you... Stop you in you tracks. I don't know why I'm having these feelings. I think I've been here before. 

Seeing a year from now is grand. It will be the day I say I do... Then we will celebrate with our friends the new year. One year ago I was planning my life out exactly how it happened. I made it happen. Proof that I can make it all happen... 

Crazy lady. The new year for me symbolizes change. Something completely and utterly new. Yet somehow it is completely familiar.  This is my year to love those around me, we all need it. It is a time to spread beauty. It is a year to visit home and also visit friends around the world. It is a year to make a name for myself. A year to discover new music and new talent. I am very excited now. 

I'm going to meet a few of the 'right' people soon.. Actually I've already met them. I know them, now I just need time with them. The eve of the new year. This year was amazing. More than I could ever imagine. More than the average person can fathom. Could've been a movie... One day a book. 

So here's to the last day of 2012. The year we were all supposed to die. The end of the earth. I believe it was the end... Silently. The end of a society that seeks freedom... But was blinded by greed. The end of capitalism... I hope to see this "new" world. I'll at least witness the cusp of it. The silver lining that shines where we can live naturally and freely. Without control from the corrupt power of today. Our nation cries out now... The remainder are zombies. I hope that something can bring them back to life... I know the feeling. His music did it for me. 

Love the one you're with.

The sunrise was heavenly. Golden lit clouds sat on a back drop of stormy blue. So beautiful these early Saturdays with my love. The town isn't awake, we have the place to ourselves. California sleeps in... We wake up early to move into stillness. Catching our breath again, slowing down enough to see the future. The teacher speaks of love... Who do you love? Set your intention ... Send your love the energy. My brain dances around with loved ones... I can see one face very clearly. I hope he can feel the love. Even three thousand miles ago.

I think I found my footing again. I must never quit my art. The art of beauty. Making people feel beautiful... Everyday. I wore my red lips today... And leather leggings. Appropriate for the occasion... Mirrors all around. The soundtrack is nice and the coffee comforting on the cool rainy day. The streets a quieter than usual... For a Saturday. It never rains here, this winter being the exception. I'm used to the falling water, constantly drenching me and my spirit. The sun returns much quicker here. Maybe tomorrow.

Message me soon. I am making the point to be enlightened now. Then maybe I'll catch a few more signs. I just need reassurance, but the cards don't always equal up. In life, I'm learning, you must give without expectation of receiving. To expect something in return is suffering... I have no extra energy to give to suffer. So I'll write another letter soon.  Not sure what angle I'll come from... This is a very fragile moment. A time when I am unsure of where I am going. He may want to know... I read that they sold out a show recently back east. I'm so very ecstatic that people are catching on. The crowd will continue to multiply if they keep inspired. The fans make the artist/musician. They bring them forward into public. Humans are natural followers. Only a select few weird creatures are leaders.... 

Let me give you some support.

Keeping a secret is tough. I've already said enough. I still haven't a clue but I can feel it better now. I am that much closer to the dreams. I get frustrated just talking about something. I have to do things. 

When is the time to leave? I don't know, but I know that this is going to be fun. I have a few years to play around and see how much I can travel. See the sights and write the words that will improve the world. I haven't lost hope quite yet...

The first one was beautiful. Wonderful. Exactly who I am looking for. It will be wonderful to see the world from the other side. I am strong enough now. I am ready to breathe and settle in. I found a picture I'm imaging in my life. Lennon and liberty. Music and art. The vision of light. I've seen her before.. We met somewhere on the east. She was by the sea swimming with the dolphins. The waves. The Sunday trips to rodanthe chasing waves ... Who knew we'd never see that road again. The view was priceless every single time. It was so perfect ... a thin bubble like glass that was about to fall to the ground and shatter. All the timing was exactly right. The summer thunderstorms and back porch picnic dinners... I have ended those times; panic in my head as i realize too much. I am at risk always. It may kill me, it may save me. I must ask for forgiveness. I pray that someone saves me.  

Christmas Day.

This day represents family and an uncontrolled excitement for the gifts. Gifts of family and really good food. We would travel together and listen to Christmas music, mom loves it. She also gave us the love of the grinch. cindy lou who. I have a sense of alone today. 

I am going to face my fears. One at a time. Some days several at a time.  I need to converse more. Perhaps take it as far as being social... I've become so accustomed and content with my own company.  I can spend hours... Even days alone. It's not the happiest times. But at least I'm free from other people's needs and wants. 

"You might find more comfort in the people you left behind." Marie - the critters

For now I'm searching for comfort in the familiar. Familiar sounds, feelings, voices. The rhythm of a song... a lyric. Anything. I'm grabbing everything I can. 

Quietly resting and hiding away. I just can't see what I am so upset about. I'm just not confident in myself. I haven't satisfaction anymore. Selfish. 

I'm just guarded and reserved. Perhaps others should protect themselves better, save themselves the exhaustion of people constantly taking.

So today I pray for happiness. I pray for the sheer joy of achieving my goal. Merry Christmas to myself. I moved to California to make a new life. Away from everything I absolutely love. All of it. I have a busy year ahead of me. But once I figure it out here... I can be both places. Pain is only temporary. 

One in the morning. The quiet of the night. The clarity of the thoughts. I reunited with my love today. The one that brought me here.  She is a beautiful soul. One that brings me peace and grants me hope.

Never say never.  More than anything... When you say no, I keep pushing forward.  I push through all the imagery and then to explore the real. The moment of stop and go where you crash forward and accept that nothing is guaranteed and that one second could equal an eternity.  Perhaps it is impossible, it won't stop me because if there wasn't a fight... Then what is your point? What is your purpose? I  have one, several actually. Fortunately it includes an imagination and a struggle for seeing both beauty and a sense of now... I looked her straight in the eye... Who assumes that it could never happen. They have no idea. It was only him and I there. 

(12.18.12)

Where'd you come from... Where are you going? - the critters

                                                                                                   Visions of light 

"I'm amazed by your visions of light... When Jesus comes back I'll be alright".

I can't stop now. I was quickly reminded of what I'm working towards. It only took a listen and now I remember. I can't stop thinking of the possibility. Even though it is all just a silly dream. But without dreams ... Then why breathe? "Eyes are broken" I wish mine were some days... Then I would never know the details of the small things. The things that exists and are free... "Your rock and roll style is so charming... Why do you care?"  Nothing is free.  It requires a lot of time. Energy. Effort. Ease... Of a broken heart.  The past few weeks I suppose I've been a bit 'bland', the heart did this to me.  I am so far away now... Even the postal service is dragging out the irony of what could possibly be a pointless endeavor. .... When you wish upon a star. 

Sunset sinner.

The end of a chapter. Today made me realize that those times are past . Seeing the mountains and canyons ... Heavenly.  I imagine that heaven was a bit like today. The firery colors that changed forever, burning away the horizon. Setting fire to the static life that I had become trapped in. Now I get to see the la lights... Awake now the gold coast and all that shimmer and shines. 

The naked poem series.  Poetry in the morning... Start the day with addictions. Each one with a story to tell, covered in the running paint of controlled chaos.  the raw pencil lines leave room for detail and mistake. The clear coat to protect the ever changing lines.  

San Francisco... Gentle people with flowers in their hair. The history of the trip... The explanation of movement.  Only eight-hundred miles until the other end of our adventure.  The beginning of my artistic journey.  I have dreamed so much the last couple of weeks, the imagination creates all sorts of stories without a plan. Fill in the blanks for awhile. So I am hitting the highway... What a scene. 

Simmered yellow and gold threads

Laced about a cotton

Field of soaked merlot

And cinnamon spills.

The blaze of flames covers

Forever of sand and fault

Lines of fence and 

Barren lands.

Heavenly painter of the skies

Designed this one for us.

The crystal gate slides 

To the side for a quick

Desperate  glimpse.

Taste of molasses 

Taints the other naive souls

Roaming through 

But forever missing

Their purpose.

In the crease of great

And glorious seconds

With only one minute to spare

to glance at this fire

That saves us. 

last day.

the instance when all the space is occupied with flesh, not one inch went to waste.  it was a good feeling to be one with another... the skin of our numb bodies together in an action of sorts.  i'm not sure where we were going with this.. but the feeling was priceless.
all the songs added together... unfortunately i was being strange and don't remember any of them.  i also was so distracted that my black tank and leather leggings were the least of my worries.  instead i traveled around with the fur and sound... writing poems on the kitchen floor.  at three am ... offers bounds of inspiration.  too bad all feelings hurt.. even the tears are like needles that stab deep into the soul.  i'm just no longer even interested in looking at other souls.  for no one... the dress up game is for you.  the mystery of material.  the love source of alittle lace... the instance when you realize that the bra you decided to wear is just a bit uncomfortable and a few scars will never stop you...

(excerpt from the lingerie diary)

sly fox.

the thing about three am
you never know what will happen
in a land of darkness
and lost streets.
miike snow made an appearance
it was two steps away from
the light that led me away...
the furthest from a clear stance.
infatuation is a more relevant description of life on the high land.
if u could see the eyes
i would.. then quickly press pause
to rest.  its a stunning moment to
realize the unrealistic.  today was a breath of fresh air.. the second day when the white flare is too much and
really just the thought of him & water
is enough. two in the morning doesnt seem that far away... i dont want to deal with it... its something when just "one song"
is enough to hold me down.

the i love you story.

the day of birth twenty five years ago.  on this day i ate brunch with brilliance... nothing like the refreshing cucumber.
      he kissed the top of my head.. fresh water.  a breath of fresh air.  the running water... the brass monkey in the wild.  it's a simple concept really.  the reality of love is here... the empire.  i guess it's what these days are about.  "soul searching".  the unexpected is the theme.  the positive help is the support.  when i say i love you.. i mean it.  everyone deserves that love. we need it.  it's something that will allow us to discover a new self.  a new place where we will solve the problems of the world.  for now..... the ninja turtles rule.

“The contour of the body is extremely subtle, difficult to describe accurately, and quite fascinatingly beautiful. When the contour is sensitively handled, it can stand alone, like a violin solo.”

peaceful warrior.

white lies - to lose my life

He said to lose my life or lose my love

That's the nightmare I've been running from

So let me hold you in my arms a while

I was always careless as a child

And there's a part of me that still believes

My soul will soar above the trees

But a desperate fear flows through my blood

That our dead loves buried beneath the mud

Let's grow old together

And die at the same time

she said he would die alone, i highly doubt that. just that morning he said he wished that people would leave him alone... even for just one day.

i know the feeling. when you are loved, people take everything they can from you. there is less light now than ever before.  those without will quickly steal all that is left.

we are surrounded by zombies now.  people that stand for nothing... do nothing... mean nothing.  there are ugly and gross souls all around us... sucking the joy from the hearts of those few beauties that are left.

today i found poems and stories i wrote as a child. all of my poems were sad.  they spoke of loss of love, the road to gloom and the fear of  being alone.  i love being alone, almost as much as i hate being social.  the quiet lets me be creative and produce artwork.  i need it to just be.

the sound of music excites me.  i need it everyday to survive. i need it so much that i can easily say i would die without it.  "what if there was no music?".  then i would invent it. 

"music is the next best thing to making love.  it's like a socially acceptable form of porn"-trb 

i am ready now.  i am ready to be one with my voice, my thoughts and my soul.  i have the vision, now i must create that life.  why do i keep seeing you there with me?  why are you in my dreams?  am i in yours? do i grace your thoughts... please whisper yes.

so how do we save this place?  we haven't much time.  our future relies on a hero.  several heroes.  humans that open the eyes of the majority of society... if i could be a ninja... the task would me much simpler.  but the heroes of today are in disguise.  else they would be quickly destroyed.  the government doesn't want these "heroes" to succeed.  so we prowl around the world quietly... hiding our true identity. 

Real Life Superheroes is a grassroots movement of people who create a superhero identity and work in a fun, exciting, and inspirational fashion to make the world a better place. They are using the iconic essence of comic book superheroes to make a difference, inspire others, spread a positive message, and call attention to issues in their communities.