Sunday brunch.

I lessen the need to escape home some days. The setup was amazing, a buffet style of fruit and chocolate delight. The setting is on the bay, a spring like breeze flows about... I am reflecting on the surrounding. Nothing like this at home...

I am at a lose for words... The days are running into each other. I am a blessed soul.. Saturday sushi nights with Ali and Sunday brunch with the salon staff... Good food, good music... Really, what more could I want? I want so much more.

Is it selfish to say that I am indeed meant for fame. I want to be known around the world... Not in the famous way that people stumble around about you... But in a 'fashionable' way. Where everyone caters to me, but no one really knows...

I need protection, security, a few body guards. A driver and an assistant. This is my next goal... To be successful in a way that I need the help of others to help me help others. That's what I want next. 

Alternate ending.

I didn't expect to part with her so soon, but our paths separated. She doesn't see her path, so she goes about constantly discovering new.  I have to stop here and make a life. I need a place. I need space. 

Lesson learned. Life changed in an instant. Envision a new outcome, new future. Keeps me on my toes. Thank goodness I stretch, else I wouldn't be so flexible. I have seen all this before, I can feel the "deja vu". 

So I think I'm in the right path. Wandering along, it's dark now. Led  strictly on faith. Trying to trust my instincts. It feels good to be released.

I am a troubled soul though. The world weighs on me, it's not an easy life. As it appears from the outside. There is more responsibility than I even realize. To keep my mind. Health and body balanced. It is the basis behind my career. My life goals. I have a feeling it's going to be a lonely life... Yet full of so many relationships... I just can't keep them long. The dependence is too much for me now because my task is.. Unknown. So I must stay prepared. 

So the saga continues... Just when you think it is done. It's never done. Or over  I suppose. 

Can the crazy please leave

My body for just a day

And let me see like all

The other mindless souls

Wandering this earth

Naive to the power they posses.

So they cling to other

Beauty on the outside

Tricking those who aren't paying

Attention to detail.

Release this tension

That won't leave my shoulders

Carrying too much weight for 

One small girl to handle.

How does that grab you.

other people want to keep in touch

something happens and its not enough 

12.12.11 I just want to find the balance of being independently amazing & being madly in love. 

Give me mystery & clarity.  The west coast highway explains the feeling.  I felt several in our short hours drive.  I felt the past gone, yet revisiting for reminders.  I needed to be reminded of the fragile line of love & hate. It's much like riding the edge of a cliff side. The mountains and ocean in one look. 

The small chance of hope.  The one second when you stop and worry with what you want. Breathing the ocean air in this town. Seeing the friendship and characters... Surfers.  Familiar sounds. Familiar sights to soften the fall.  

So I sit still and I am the normal consistency.  The stream of saline calmed my nerves.  You just have to release feelings. I suppose my mother understands. So now I get my life back... The following days will be important. Our small cottage is a place to rest and relax. Write a few letters and understand that falling in love is a process in the making.  Our futures will collide soon enough. I will enjoy my last few lonely months... So I can recall them later...

Welcome to California

Three thousand miles ago... We are across the country. Far away from our past. Onward to who I strive to become.

The time will come when I can leave at any moment. Jet setting and fashion shows. A few classes and maybe even a hair salon.  Those are just to name a few.. Maybe a yacht and an island home. All this takes time and patience, perseverance and timing. Timing is everything.  I'm ready to cross the line and make something happen. 

Everything is different. But I feel a sense of calm now that we are finally here. I experienced some tension along the way, I now have a second to breathe.  Just one breath. The cars move along now quickly and consecutively... Symbolizing how quickly life passes by and the thing you always dreamed of is done and over. The cross country trip I dreamed of... Is done.  What a beautiful experience. I may have slept through a bit of it... But I've always slept at inopportune times. 

last day.

the instance when all the space is occupied with flesh, not one inch went to waste.  it was a good feeling to be one with another... the skin of our numb bodies together in an action of sorts.  i'm not sure where we were going with this.. but the feeling was priceless.
all the songs added together... unfortunately i was being strange and don't remember any of them.  i also was so distracted that my black tank and leather leggings were the least of my worries.  instead i traveled around with the fur and sound... writing poems on the kitchen floor.  at three am ... offers bounds of inspiration.  too bad all feelings hurt.. even the tears are like needles that stab deep into the soul.  i'm just no longer even interested in looking at other souls.  for no one... the dress up game is for you.  the mystery of material.  the love source of alittle lace... the instance when you realize that the bra you decided to wear is just a bit uncomfortable and a few scars will never stop you...

(excerpt from the lingerie diary)

cigs.

the beauty of it all is the innocence.  sex isn't everything.  as a matter of fact...it's the ugly side of intimacy.  the moment when you have given too much of yourself... you are exhausted and it just doesn't feel good anymore.  the thing is... it's so childish.  everything feels so good with him.  laying with him feels nice... our bodies fit together well.  i wish that i didn't need to be so out of it to fit with him... i'm just a strange creature these days.  it hurts he doesn't understand what he does to me.  nonchalant.  the charm in the simple matters.  it is what it is really... a simple young longing.  the chemicals do good for my body.  they help keep me inspired, keep me alive.  keep me needing more.... thank you.

scars.

they add interest.  it was the best worst mistake of my life.  i would say more of a defense mechanism.  it's exhausting having all the attention.  what about anonymous for a change.  at least i don't tower over everyone, wow she is beautiful.  i did it because i was frustrated and over it.  done with all the needs, the wants... nothing ever fit.  it happened so suddenly & i like pain.  i like absence and the fact that i could be away from everyone for awhile, experiment with drugs.  the dreams were strange, should've written about them.  i enjoy change as much i love control.  its a wild card really... now i'm completely different... at least they look at me less now.  before i was an object of sexual desire... now i blend in a bit more.  i guess less is more... the weight is gone.


i was tired.  the day was cold and long.  now i discuss all the options with myself, what am i really doing? at any moment i could just say stop... but i must go.  it hurts.  a good hurt.  the end, that last one.  this years love will be filled with forever.  i can finally feel it.  i would give up all my evil to be with him.  she asked me if i was sad today... not quite, just pondering what i'm really doing with my life.  are my intentions good? sometimes i feel like i can't go on.  i'd rather just stop and participate in the never-ending cycle... or i could sleep in a different place every night.  i love variety.  i like to see something different.  breathe.  i've forgotten how for a few minutes.  i caught myself stopping.  it's wild to think that your body knows and understands more than you.  yet the brain is in  control.  like life... you think you know what you are doing...  only God knows.