Sunday brunch.

I lessen the need to escape home some days. The setup was amazing, a buffet style of fruit and chocolate delight. The setting is on the bay, a spring like breeze flows about... I am reflecting on the surrounding. Nothing like this at home...

I am at a lose for words... The days are running into each other. I am a blessed soul.. Saturday sushi nights with Ali and Sunday brunch with the salon staff... Good food, good music... Really, what more could I want? I want so much more.

Is it selfish to say that I am indeed meant for fame. I want to be known around the world... Not in the famous way that people stumble around about you... But in a 'fashionable' way. Where everyone caters to me, but no one really knows...

I need protection, security, a few body guards. A driver and an assistant. This is my next goal... To be successful in a way that I need the help of others to help me help others. That's what I want next. 

Silver lining.

"Dreams burn, but in ashes are gold." Kings of convenience 24-25 

The lighting reminds me of a cloudy winter day at home, except its even more familiar than that. The ocean breeze is cool and takes me back years. To the days with the Russian girls, the cool breeze of summers end. I can feel the crisp newness of Puerto Rico, the 10th floor facing the Atlantic. It reminded me of California before I knew... All the memories flood together and instantly create the mood... The heavenly. I love lonely quiet days.. The soundtrack was brilliant, I learned a lot. 

Time to catch up with loved ones and reevaluate the present.. All I know is history, thank God. So I use my imagination, breathing the air that is mine. The life I came to conquer. "Home will always be there.." Right where I left off... Which in actuality is a tricky spot, best forgotten with time. 

The harmonious  voices & calm acoustics give me breathing room. I need a bit of piano.... 

I can feel the thoughts, careful not to have a complex... But the reassuring text have come right on cue. They help me remember that people believe in me. Believe in the curiosity that I strive to have everyday. Not everyone can... I was given the gift. I need to share. 

The ones who relate to me best are stunning, well put together souls that float around with dazzling feathers. I suppose they have veil like energy as well, I don't see why it would be any different with them. The further away... The more I see the love I have left behind.

"Will I ever feel better?"what is getting me now. Just me. Please don't get bored now... The fight I have with myself all days. 

Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:16 KJV)

September 2012

the hope that humans are one

Loving soul connected by a spirit

That love can move mountains

And god created the world

That we can love each other

Truly and accept the hurt from others

That the faith keeps us grounded

And safe in vicious times.

The earth is a temporary haven

For good souls to convince

Others to join along...

Earth is their hell. Even then

They choose to not believe 

Sun tasted so good...

Until the last bite. It hurts.

Crawls up your spine and convinces 

You to look at the dark

Corners of people's souls...

Bringing out chaos and trauma

The pain hurts us here on earth

The lighter days are ahead of us

Where we will run with our father

Once again children... Of God. 

One in the morning. The quiet of the night. The clarity of the thoughts. I reunited with my love today. The one that brought me here.  She is a beautiful soul. One that brings me peace and grants me hope.

Never say never.  More than anything... When you say no, I keep pushing forward.  I push through all the imagery and then to explore the real. The moment of stop and go where you crash forward and accept that nothing is guaranteed and that one second could equal an eternity.  Perhaps it is impossible, it won't stop me because if there wasn't a fight... Then what is your point? What is your purpose? I  have one, several actually. Fortunately it includes an imagination and a struggle for seeing both beauty and a sense of now... I looked her straight in the eye... Who assumes that it could never happen. They have no idea. It was only him and I there. 

(12.18.12)

i will follow you into the dark

                       - death cab for cutie

       leaves (2002) -    leaves fall to the ground like tears
                       covering the grass
                       a naked tree stands alone.

the last night in my bed at home.  this place is full of memories... the fun times with my family.  the late night music sessions... the alone time, paintings... the loudest music.  i found myself here in this place.  lucky for me my father built me a beach house instead of a tree house.  he feeds the birds... i loved hearing them in the mornings.  the late nights and struggles to get to work on time.  the responsibility of living alone... i was a young twenty with a real job. plus two other jobs...  late nights and early mornings.    i'm so thankful i could get to work by the oceanside road.  i am happy for the wonderful time, but a world awaits me.  this one was ever so perfect.

Oh I wanna dance with somebody,
I wanna feel the heat.
Yeah I wanna dance with somebody,
With somebody who loves me.
Somebody who loves me,
To hold me in his arms.
I need a man who'll take a chance,
On a love that burns hot enough to last.
So when the night falls,
My lonely heart calls.
dance with somebody - whitney houston

so i have a blank canvas now.  i am the artist standing there... still for awhile.  waiting for the spell to be cast... the spell that causes all my paint to spill & create the shapes and designs that i fall in love with.  artwork worth the time.  that changes perspective. that alter egos... that is remembered.  the brilliance of  being an artist.  it eventually will consume your life.  it's a chance you take, but once you are in... you are in for life.  i'm diving deep for this challenge.  you only get one life... i'm not the type to play it safe.  

i want more.  i need more at this point in my life.  twenty five years later and i'm her.  i'm who i pretended to be all along.  i created her as a child.  now i stand in front of a mirror and stare.  she is... me?  i love her.  i'm absolutely in love with her.  so now i must go... she must see the world.  share the love that is possible for all of us.  i'll meet my dark side soon enough.  for now i'll get a good night's sleep in my california king.  i'll dream of my king one last night here on the island.  then to higher ground.  from sea to mountains. i will follow you. 

i'd rather dance with you.

i'm bored with words.  i create them so well its become annoying.  i'm just pretending, creating the entire scenario... i'm ready for some touch.  i want to feel it in my soul.

the perfect day was yesterday.  all my favorite elements.  it was so overwhelmingly beautiful that i cried.  all the pieces i'm beginning to find them.  it makes sense.  he is right. "i'm absolutely ridiculous". i'm just hopeful... i hugged her and cried.  we don't cry much together, we don't really even chatter much.  what we say is important.  she is my best friend, everything i strive to be.  everything that i strive to become.  she is a mysterious woman.  one that gives out all her love, she is so beautiful... so absolutely brilliant.  she has amazing taste in music and the entertaining arts. she is mother and she is why i am this sliver of light.

"dancing with the beast...it takes money and airplanes." - Toyko vampires&wolves . the wombats

if you love me let me go.  i witnessed the union of love yesterday.  my cousin and his best friend.  what a wonderful family.  it is lovely.  i was underdressed. "i didn't know there would be super model's there". hilarious.  i am a free spirit & sometimes i look homeless.  technically this is true, the freedom of travel.  it teaches you things.

the advice from friends is a priceless treasure.  they influence every aspect of this... this world that i live in.  strange times.  it moves faster now, so fast that my normal entertainments have been pushed to the side, only a bit of time to sleep.  i must move west now.  the time has come to go.  to go on the adventure that will help me grow.  help me to change.  i am letting it go now.  my security... my home.  dorothy said it best "there's no place like home." but for now i'm entering a colorful dream land.  when i return i can create a new life here.  one that doesn't involve the creatures of night, the one's that take your soul.  i need my escape now.  it's just too much.  "you need to go..."

one more slow dance please.  i hope there is one more left in the cards for us.

thank you for the surprise.

"you gotta hold on...you gotta wait". -hold on, alabama shakes

when you step back in time to the place where you grew up.  it takes you down a notch, reminds you who you are.  the dark winding roads bring me peace.  reminds me of my coffee and music tours through the country side. discovering the connections, learning the back way.  i found a pier at the very end of the county.  the road literally ran straight into the river.  there is a graveyard and a few quiet houses.  i used to disappear there and breathe.  listening to the birds and tiny water drops. alone. my favorite time.  this was before digital cameras, before cell devices. this is when you could really just drive away and get lost.  but somehow being that lost... that's where i found peace.  i never took a boy here, thought about it... guess it worked out for the best.  it was my place.  the only special one i considered... we grew up next door... we played in the band.  i hadn't seen him in almost a year, way too many days ago.  his presence calms me, something about making up the storyline to a spanish soap opera is the most fun i've had in a few days.  that's what love is... so thankful.