"How does that feel?" Jason lee

Vision of division - the strokes 

Today felt great. Chilly morning, bike ride to work this morning was brisk. I arrived to a pleasant surprise. I was able to sit in on the cutting class today... Thank goodness. I needed the insight ... The extra practice. He was an inspiring soul... Reminded me of someone. Mainly the way his mouth moved, was familiar. I was instantly attracted... I'm sure he gets that a lot. I decided to focus on his craft... The art of teaching hair. This is where I want to go... I want to learn. I want to educate. One step at a time... I think I have him interested.

What I choose to cover my body in today is fun. It speaks about me... Combat boots, leather leggings and a coathangers band tee... Hair pulled high, natural face and a silky champagne kimono... "I like that bit of flare". I love it. Roof top fashion show with myself in a mirror... The world likes it too. 

Bicoastal soon? I think so. I need to make a list of clients to contact... Then I can be everywhere. three weeks here...  one there. All my dreams will come true. Once you give up everything to do something... It's just easier. If you love something set it free, right? 

listen to:
wax tailor - how i feel 

stephen marley - someone to love 

 

Woke up early before the light to ride a big red bus along the pacific coast highway. We caught the early glimpse of dawn and began our practice right as the sun graced the mountain top. The frigid northern breeze froze my fingers and toes... Making the movements a frozen numb feeling of... Pain. Causing me to focus on keeping the breath sequence and extremity movement. I was surprised at what the mind can alter. Just as I was feeling hopeless... Feeling like giving in to the freezing feeling... The sun heated my body and soul. I had completed the task and was rewarded with a warm breakfast.

We stood around a fire and mediated about the coming year. I wrote my intentions for the year on a best western notepad... Listing my aspirations and goals... To fall in love, explore and create art. Then I became distracted and doodled about CRITTER MANIA 2013. The drawing consisted of wild lines... Tracing each other and moving about like a animal.. A fuzzy frenzy of red lines. I admired the doodle... Then set it up in flames. Watching the paper quickly turn to ash... All my wildest dreams will come true.

We ride bikes downtown and grab a lovely brunch at two umbrellas before work. The diner is a dive from the late eighties...  The soundtrack reflects the decor. Our sugar covered toast and veggie hash is the perfect compliment to the already stunning Saturday. This was on my "list". So I cross coffee date with Ali cat off.. Another goal, another day.

Each morning I wish for the best day... The days are adding up quickly. Soon I'll settle into my oceanside spot. I'll drape the walls with striped fabric ... Cloth and easel in one corner... Maybe a vintage lamp of some sort. Then I want to lay in bed and cuddle all day. "With whom?" you ask, I haven't the slightest clue. I'll just day dream him... Oh my, where is the man of my dreams...?

Silver lining.

"Dreams burn, but in ashes are gold." Kings of convenience 24-25 

The lighting reminds me of a cloudy winter day at home, except its even more familiar than that. The ocean breeze is cool and takes me back years. To the days with the Russian girls, the cool breeze of summers end. I can feel the crisp newness of Puerto Rico, the 10th floor facing the Atlantic. It reminded me of California before I knew... All the memories flood together and instantly create the mood... The heavenly. I love lonely quiet days.. The soundtrack was brilliant, I learned a lot. 

Time to catch up with loved ones and reevaluate the present.. All I know is history, thank God. So I use my imagination, breathing the air that is mine. The life I came to conquer. "Home will always be there.." Right where I left off... Which in actuality is a tricky spot, best forgotten with time. 

The harmonious  voices & calm acoustics give me breathing room. I need a bit of piano.... 

I can feel the thoughts, careful not to have a complex... But the reassuring text have come right on cue. They help me remember that people believe in me. Believe in the curiosity that I strive to have everyday. Not everyone can... I was given the gift. I need to share. 

The ones who relate to me best are stunning, well put together souls that float around with dazzling feathers. I suppose they have veil like energy as well, I don't see why it would be any different with them. The further away... The more I see the love I have left behind.

"Will I ever feel better?"what is getting me now. Just me. Please don't get bored now... The fight I have with myself all days. 

Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:16 KJV)

last day.

the instance when all the space is occupied with flesh, not one inch went to waste.  it was a good feeling to be one with another... the skin of our numb bodies together in an action of sorts.  i'm not sure where we were going with this.. but the feeling was priceless.
all the songs added together... unfortunately i was being strange and don't remember any of them.  i also was so distracted that my black tank and leather leggings were the least of my worries.  instead i traveled around with the fur and sound... writing poems on the kitchen floor.  at three am ... offers bounds of inspiration.  too bad all feelings hurt.. even the tears are like needles that stab deep into the soul.  i'm just no longer even interested in looking at other souls.  for no one... the dress up game is for you.  the mystery of material.  the love source of alittle lace... the instance when you realize that the bra you decided to wear is just a bit uncomfortable and a few scars will never stop you...

(excerpt from the lingerie diary)

(12.2.12)

The anger of being uncomfortable... "That means you are doing something." I'm upset because I'm over it.. As much fun as it should be... I'd rather just do it all alone sometimes. It is just who I am. Not everyone can be so happy... The world would be lame if that were the case. We'd all just smile and get along. Instead I would rather be angry. It is going to toughen  the skin that I own. The skin that is thin... I just want an actual companion now.. Instead of drunken lost souls. Alcohol makes things a mess. He must be able to be sober with me. Being drunk isn't a good look. Seeing it on her made me realize what a waste...

I pray he comes soon, I'm starting to lose faith that I even deserve anyone to hold. Someone who is quiet and understands that brilliance is far beyond words. It is a sense of calm in the chaos. It is understanding the world... It is understanding yourself and standing your ground.  It is stopping to breathe... The fresh air that renews us, even if all of your friends would just rather pollute your surroundings. God please clean the air.   

Poem life.

When lives collide
In our parallel universe
The ribbons & highways
That connect our souls.

The fragile dance of days
Jump around in chaotic
Circles when you are absent
From my realm.

The silence of flustered
Late night lost gestures
That disappear
In the morning light.

Don't forget to remember
All the little forces
Of coincidence
That brought us congruent.

The timing is off just a bit ...
Our days are numbered
With shortcomings
That inhibit our love.

until you use me up.

a quiet day.  the dreariness of the cold, the new surroundings seem a bit bleak and i have no desire to venture around.  instead the quiet led to a few new creations.  "welcome back".  only a few short weeks ago i was wondering this same place.

i loved waking up to the red daylight.  i would love to have red curtains from now on.  this habitat suits me... the dark wood panel and the small black cat standing guard on the top shelf.  i slept til noon because the sleep was so dream worthy.  i hope that he gets to experience a bit of this dream too.

i decided to not let it get to me.  i must stay focused only on the immediate future.  from now on the past will only offer me a better expression of feelings and also pieces.  pieces of things that provoke even more feelings.  the feelings that help you love yourself.  the self that is alone in the room with you.

i dreamed that one day i would travel the world and paint and write about all of it.  i have music too.  i would sit on balconies over looking the canals and the top deck of an island mountain gazebo... at a cafe table in paris...  i want him to be there too... only sometimes.  i also need time for strictly myself.  so i can reflect and remember our past... to see the future together.

etta james.  she sang about henry.  her power in her voice is unforgettable.  this is the music that last forever.

they can't take that away from me. -ella&louis

The way we danced till three
The way you changed my life
No, no they can't take that away from me
No, they can't take that away from me.
(Swing it, boys)

(Ella)
We may never never meet again, on that bumpy road to love
(Louis)
(Swing it, Ella)
(Ella)
Still I'll always, always keep the memory of ....

thank you for the surprise.

"you gotta hold on...you gotta wait". -hold on, alabama shakes

when you step back in time to the place where you grew up.  it takes you down a notch, reminds you who you are.  the dark winding roads bring me peace.  reminds me of my coffee and music tours through the country side. discovering the connections, learning the back way.  i found a pier at the very end of the county.  the road literally ran straight into the river.  there is a graveyard and a few quiet houses.  i used to disappear there and breathe.  listening to the birds and tiny water drops. alone. my favorite time.  this was before digital cameras, before cell devices. this is when you could really just drive away and get lost.  but somehow being that lost... that's where i found peace.  i never took a boy here, thought about it... guess it worked out for the best.  it was my place.  the only special one i considered... we grew up next door... we played in the band.  i hadn't seen him in almost a year, way too many days ago.  his presence calms me, something about making up the storyline to a spanish soap opera is the most fun i've had in a few days.  that's what love is... so thankful.