Love the one you're with.

The sunrise was heavenly. Golden lit clouds sat on a back drop of stormy blue. So beautiful these early Saturdays with my love. The town isn't awake, we have the place to ourselves. California sleeps in... We wake up early to move into stillness. Catching our breath again, slowing down enough to see the future. The teacher speaks of love... Who do you love? Set your intention ... Send your love the energy. My brain dances around with loved ones... I can see one face very clearly. I hope he can feel the love. Even three thousand miles ago.

I think I found my footing again. I must never quit my art. The art of beauty. Making people feel beautiful... Everyday. I wore my red lips today... And leather leggings. Appropriate for the occasion... Mirrors all around. The soundtrack is nice and the coffee comforting on the cool rainy day. The streets a quieter than usual... For a Saturday. It never rains here, this winter being the exception. I'm used to the falling water, constantly drenching me and my spirit. The sun returns much quicker here. Maybe tomorrow.

Message me soon. I am making the point to be enlightened now. Then maybe I'll catch a few more signs. I just need reassurance, but the cards don't always equal up. In life, I'm learning, you must give without expectation of receiving. To expect something in return is suffering... I have no extra energy to give to suffer. So I'll write another letter soon.  Not sure what angle I'll come from... This is a very fragile moment. A time when I am unsure of where I am going. He may want to know... I read that they sold out a show recently back east. I'm so very ecstatic that people are catching on. The crowd will continue to multiply if they keep inspired. The fans make the artist/musician. They bring them forward into public. Humans are natural followers. Only a select few weird creatures are leaders.... 

Christmas Day.

This day represents family and an uncontrolled excitement for the gifts. Gifts of family and really good food. We would travel together and listen to Christmas music, mom loves it. She also gave us the love of the grinch. cindy lou who. I have a sense of alone today. 

I am going to face my fears. One at a time. Some days several at a time.  I need to converse more. Perhaps take it as far as being social... I've become so accustomed and content with my own company.  I can spend hours... Even days alone. It's not the happiest times. But at least I'm free from other people's needs and wants. 

"You might find more comfort in the people you left behind." Marie - the critters

For now I'm searching for comfort in the familiar. Familiar sounds, feelings, voices. The rhythm of a song... a lyric. Anything. I'm grabbing everything I can. 

Quietly resting and hiding away. I just can't see what I am so upset about. I'm just not confident in myself. I haven't satisfaction anymore. Selfish. 

I'm just guarded and reserved. Perhaps others should protect themselves better, save themselves the exhaustion of people constantly taking.

So today I pray for happiness. I pray for the sheer joy of achieving my goal. Merry Christmas to myself. I moved to California to make a new life. Away from everything I absolutely love. All of it. I have a busy year ahead of me. But once I figure it out here... I can be both places. Pain is only temporary. 

I was intrigued from day one. The beginning of this life , this movement... This legacy. "I was intrigued the day I met him.. The first day I saw his dr. Seuss guitar. Changed my world. Then he smashed it. Literally." 10.14.12

It's just a matter of taking a risk

Putting together the worlds 

Of our life, the words of the moment

That become a twisted mess

Unnatural to the order 

Of the lines. 

Cross out letters to change

The meaning of our voices

And doubtful thoughts.

In love with the insane notion

Of what could be a mistake from

 falling down.

last day.

the instance when all the space is occupied with flesh, not one inch went to waste.  it was a good feeling to be one with another... the skin of our numb bodies together in an action of sorts.  i'm not sure where we were going with this.. but the feeling was priceless.
all the songs added together... unfortunately i was being strange and don't remember any of them.  i also was so distracted that my black tank and leather leggings were the least of my worries.  instead i traveled around with the fur and sound... writing poems on the kitchen floor.  at three am ... offers bounds of inspiration.  too bad all feelings hurt.. even the tears are like needles that stab deep into the soul.  i'm just no longer even interested in looking at other souls.  for no one... the dress up game is for you.  the mystery of material.  the love source of alittle lace... the instance when you realize that the bra you decided to wear is just a bit uncomfortable and a few scars will never stop you...

(excerpt from the lingerie diary)

novelty.

"No wonder lovers talk all night or walk till dawn, write extravagant poetry and self-revealing e-mails, cross continents or oceans to hug for just a weekend, change jobs or lifestyles, even die for one another. Drenched in chemicals that bestow focus, stamina and vigor, and driven by the motivating engine of the brain, lovers succumb to a Herculean courting urge."-helen fisher

it's the love that is changing everything.  i have noticed that it is the difference in excitement and sleep.  honestly if there is no chance in seeing him... i'd rather just rest.  i have a lot to accomplish without him...

now i just focus on the music.  i focus on the chords, the nerves and the lyrics.  

recent studies showed that listening to your favorite music has a similar effect on your brain as other pleasure-inducing activities like having sex.

MRI and PET scans reveal that when you listen to music that excites you, your brain releases dopamine during the most exciting moments of the song and even in anticipation of those moments.

i suppose that is why i enjoy music so much.. i listen to it at any moment of the day.  it's what keeps me awake, revamps my life.  forever... i could listen to the songs.  the songs he sings to me... one day. i'll have my own soundtrack.

research shows that love opens doors of the brain... it allows us to relax and really begin to dive deep into the realms of creativity that otherwise you would be too distracted to realize.  it's tough to slow down enough... the black and white creativity.  he has to sleep with the tv on.  i had to turn it off.  the noise is just nonsense... at least we focused on the comedy of classics. 

Dr. Fisher offers three key components of love, involving different but connected brain systems:

• Lust — driven by androgens and estrogens, the craving for sexual gratification
• Attraction — driven by high dopamine and norepinephrine levels and low serotonin, romantic or passionate love, characterized by euphoria when things are going well, terrible mood swings when they’re not, focused attention, obsessive thinking, and intense craving for the individual
• Attachment — driven by the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin, the sense of calm, peace, and stability one feels with a long-term partner

She goes on to point out that serotonin-enhancing antidepressants also inhibit other evolutionary adaptive mechanisms for mate selection, such as orgasm.

i just enjoy my alone time.  the time i have to be quiet.  i hope he knows quiet with me... i hope he enjoys that silent lust too.  the attraction is what we are creating.  the attachment is what we grow old with.

Just consider how much learning happens when you choose a mate. Along with thrilling dependency comes glimpsing the world through another’s eyes; forsaking some habits and adopting others (good or bad); tasting new ideas, rituals, foods or landscapes; a slew of added friends and family; a tapestry of physical intimacy and affection; and many other catalysts, including a tornadic blast of attraction and attachment hormones — all of which revamp the brain. 

If you’re in a healthy relationship, holding your partner’s hand is enough to subdue your blood pressure, ease your response to stress, improve your health and soften physical pain. We alter one another’s physiology and neural functions.

During idylls of safety, when your brain knows you’re with someone you can trust, it needn’t waste precious resources coping with stressors or menace. Instead it may spend its lifeblood learning new things or fine-tuning the process of healing. Its doors of perception swing wide open. The flip side is that, given how vulnerable one then is, love lessons — sweet or villainous — can make a deep impression. Wedded hearts change everything, even the brain.

-the brain on love, diane ackerman

so i understand a bit more.  the worry is natural.  the love is becoming... i just need to experience a new level now.  with both of our talents... we will be able to discover even the smallest realms.  i can feel it.  both of us are weird animals.. ones that delve deep into the sea of odd.  we are the epidemy of awkward.  he thinks the same about himself.  now if only he could except that a bizarre bird like me could be the one for him.  i believe in monogamy... do you?

the i love you story.

the day of birth twenty five years ago.  on this day i ate brunch with brilliance... nothing like the refreshing cucumber.
      he kissed the top of my head.. fresh water.  a breath of fresh air.  the running water... the brass monkey in the wild.  it's a simple concept really.  the reality of love is here... the empire.  i guess it's what these days are about.  "soul searching".  the unexpected is the theme.  the positive help is the support.  when i say i love you.. i mean it.  everyone deserves that love. we need it.  it's something that will allow us to discover a new self.  a new place where we will solve the problems of the world.  for now..... the ninja turtles rule.

“The contour of the body is extremely subtle, difficult to describe accurately, and quite fascinatingly beautiful. When the contour is sensitively handled, it can stand alone, like a violin solo.”

cigs.

the beauty of it all is the innocence.  sex isn't everything.  as a matter of fact...it's the ugly side of intimacy.  the moment when you have given too much of yourself... you are exhausted and it just doesn't feel good anymore.  the thing is... it's so childish.  everything feels so good with him.  laying with him feels nice... our bodies fit together well.  i wish that i didn't need to be so out of it to fit with him... i'm just a strange creature these days.  it hurts he doesn't understand what he does to me.  nonchalant.  the charm in the simple matters.  it is what it is really... a simple young longing.  the chemicals do good for my body.  they help keep me inspired, keep me alive.  keep me needing more.... thank you.

everytime i close my eyes, it's like a dark paradiseno one compares to you
i'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side
everytime i close my eyes, it's like a dark paradiseno one compares to you
i'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side. 
but there's no you... except in my dreams tonight.

-dark paradise-lana del rey

there is no sense in jumping to conclusions.  i guess the closest i could get today was far... but its like at any moment... living that life is exhausting.  it's better to just not a have a clue, i guess i like surprises more than i thought.  you can't rush destiny, i just wish i could feel comfort...  every once in a while.  i'm so used to giving out all of myself, i need someone to help me recharge.

i saw an older couple out tonight, they were adorable.  so affectionate, in a subtle way... but i loved seeing the history of their relationship.  it gives me a tiny bit of hope, even though i'm pretty sure that it has become impossible for our generation to love.  we had no good examples.  just a bunch of jumbled messages... now we require instant satisfaction... or we quickly move on.

i need that feeling in my stomach to disappear.  i'm tired of living this life like some "love" is going to solve anything.. the distraction from where i'm really headed.  i'm leaving all of this behind.  i think she should go with us... i'm going to need another soul with me for this journey.  "soul searching".  finding the meaning of life... because i now realize that it has nothing to do with work or money.  there is more than we can ever fathom.  all of the materialistic things here on earth will be meaningless to us in our future.  

i'm just overwhelmed and a bit bummed that i can't figure him out.  if i could though; i would have no interest in him at all... and then that would be the end.  i like a never ending story the best.  the dark mysterious shadow.  "sometimes depression gives you the same feeling as joy."  i found truth in that tonight.  i don't want to think about anything anymore.  letting go of love for awhile... i'm all used up. 

until you use me up.

a quiet day.  the dreariness of the cold, the new surroundings seem a bit bleak and i have no desire to venture around.  instead the quiet led to a few new creations.  "welcome back".  only a few short weeks ago i was wondering this same place.

i loved waking up to the red daylight.  i would love to have red curtains from now on.  this habitat suits me... the dark wood panel and the small black cat standing guard on the top shelf.  i slept til noon because the sleep was so dream worthy.  i hope that he gets to experience a bit of this dream too.

i decided to not let it get to me.  i must stay focused only on the immediate future.  from now on the past will only offer me a better expression of feelings and also pieces.  pieces of things that provoke even more feelings.  the feelings that help you love yourself.  the self that is alone in the room with you.

i dreamed that one day i would travel the world and paint and write about all of it.  i have music too.  i would sit on balconies over looking the canals and the top deck of an island mountain gazebo... at a cafe table in paris...  i want him to be there too... only sometimes.  i also need time for strictly myself.  so i can reflect and remember our past... to see the future together.

etta james.  she sang about henry.  her power in her voice is unforgettable.  this is the music that last forever.

they can't take that away from me. -ella&louis

The way we danced till three
The way you changed my life
No, no they can't take that away from me
No, they can't take that away from me.
(Swing it, boys)

(Ella)
We may never never meet again, on that bumpy road to love
(Louis)
(Swing it, Ella)
(Ella)
Still I'll always, always keep the memory of ....

the meaning.

on the road. day one.  it was stunning out today.  the time flew and after several hours we had conquered north carolina.  now we sleep in the mountains... in a beautiful old cottage on the west side.  the place has stories, it beams with character.  the view is crystal and the moon is a pale black light that illuminates and creates shadows in the dark.  i am ecstatic... erratic... and quite frankly something of a strange creature now.  i have no expectation.  we can't form a plan... it would interfere with the master plan.

it is a new life now.  i'm supposed to be in this dark room... red curtains.  the silence of a cold mountain town.  so now i crave the meaning.  i need a meaningful moment with someone soon.  it's difficult to create meaning because it takes time.  you have to have a bit of repetitive movement to make security.  you must have history to create comfort.  so i'll paint something.  something to calm my breathing.  the sound of piano... covering today's "hits" is comforting.  i try and fill in the lyrics every so often... keeps the mystery.


Something in the way she moves
Attracts me like no other lover
Something in the way she woos me
I don't want to leave her now
You know I believe and how

Somewhere in her smile she knows
That I don't need no other lover
Something in her style that shows me
I don't want to leave her now
You know I believe and how

You're asking me will my love grow
I don't know, I don't know
You stick around now, it may show

I don't know, I don't know

the beatles