Pretend

I know how to be your friend. You won't have to pretend around me.  It's a wild feeling.. Being hooked.  Without the hope of love, what is the meaning? Music is the meaning now, it causes me to have to give ... Nothing. Instead I receive the feeling of pleasure, to know his song is for me. 

I could waste my time better... Mom said I haven't felt happiness since middle school age.. I remember slightly. I'd rather sit outside and paint.. I haven't much interest in being "social"; only if it has to do with my art.. Selfish. 

I'm always looking for something. Lost in this masquerade. The purpose is pleasant... I haven't a clue now.  Lost inside this lonely game we play.  

Once you write something... It has nothing to do with you anymore.  I believe this, heard about it last night.  I don't even believe that it is me writing, I just believe that it has to come out and needs to be heard.  Whether I'm dead or alive, someone needs to hear it. Perhaps fifty years from now she stumbles across it.. Then she understands. All of my life will be worth it. This moment of reflection reminds me of a time when I read words that saved me. 

everytime i close my eyes, it's like a dark paradiseno one compares to you
i'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side
everytime i close my eyes, it's like a dark paradiseno one compares to you
i'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side. 
but there's no you... except in my dreams tonight.

-dark paradise-lana del rey

peaceful warrior.

white lies - to lose my life

He said to lose my life or lose my love

That's the nightmare I've been running from

So let me hold you in my arms a while

I was always careless as a child

And there's a part of me that still believes

My soul will soar above the trees

But a desperate fear flows through my blood

That our dead loves buried beneath the mud

Let's grow old together

And die at the same time

she said he would die alone, i highly doubt that. just that morning he said he wished that people would leave him alone... even for just one day.

i know the feeling. when you are loved, people take everything they can from you. there is less light now than ever before.  those without will quickly steal all that is left.

we are surrounded by zombies now.  people that stand for nothing... do nothing... mean nothing.  there are ugly and gross souls all around us... sucking the joy from the hearts of those few beauties that are left.

today i found poems and stories i wrote as a child. all of my poems were sad.  they spoke of loss of love, the road to gloom and the fear of  being alone.  i love being alone, almost as much as i hate being social.  the quiet lets me be creative and produce artwork.  i need it to just be.

the sound of music excites me.  i need it everyday to survive. i need it so much that i can easily say i would die without it.  "what if there was no music?".  then i would invent it. 

"music is the next best thing to making love.  it's like a socially acceptable form of porn"-trb 

i am ready now.  i am ready to be one with my voice, my thoughts and my soul.  i have the vision, now i must create that life.  why do i keep seeing you there with me?  why are you in my dreams?  am i in yours? do i grace your thoughts... please whisper yes.

so how do we save this place?  we haven't much time.  our future relies on a hero.  several heroes.  humans that open the eyes of the majority of society... if i could be a ninja... the task would me much simpler.  but the heroes of today are in disguise.  else they would be quickly destroyed.  the government doesn't want these "heroes" to succeed.  so we prowl around the world quietly... hiding our true identity. 

Real Life Superheroes is a grassroots movement of people who create a superhero identity and work in a fun, exciting, and inspirational fashion to make the world a better place. They are using the iconic essence of comic book superheroes to make a difference, inspire others, spread a positive message, and call attention to issues in their communities.