listen to:
wax tailor - how i feel 

stephen marley - someone to love 

 

Woke up early before the light to ride a big red bus along the pacific coast highway. We caught the early glimpse of dawn and began our practice right as the sun graced the mountain top. The frigid northern breeze froze my fingers and toes... Making the movements a frozen numb feeling of... Pain. Causing me to focus on keeping the breath sequence and extremity movement. I was surprised at what the mind can alter. Just as I was feeling hopeless... Feeling like giving in to the freezing feeling... The sun heated my body and soul. I had completed the task and was rewarded with a warm breakfast.

We stood around a fire and mediated about the coming year. I wrote my intentions for the year on a best western notepad... Listing my aspirations and goals... To fall in love, explore and create art. Then I became distracted and doodled about CRITTER MANIA 2013. The drawing consisted of wild lines... Tracing each other and moving about like a animal.. A fuzzy frenzy of red lines. I admired the doodle... Then set it up in flames. Watching the paper quickly turn to ash... All my wildest dreams will come true.

We ride bikes downtown and grab a lovely brunch at two umbrellas before work. The diner is a dive from the late eighties...  The soundtrack reflects the decor. Our sugar covered toast and veggie hash is the perfect compliment to the already stunning Saturday. This was on my "list". So I cross coffee date with Ali cat off.. Another goal, another day.

Each morning I wish for the best day... The days are adding up quickly. Soon I'll settle into my oceanside spot. I'll drape the walls with striped fabric ... Cloth and easel in one corner... Maybe a vintage lamp of some sort. Then I want to lay in bed and cuddle all day. "With whom?" you ask, I haven't the slightest clue. I'll just day dream him... Oh my, where is the man of my dreams...?

Silver lining.

"Dreams burn, but in ashes are gold." Kings of convenience 24-25 

The lighting reminds me of a cloudy winter day at home, except its even more familiar than that. The ocean breeze is cool and takes me back years. To the days with the Russian girls, the cool breeze of summers end. I can feel the crisp newness of Puerto Rico, the 10th floor facing the Atlantic. It reminded me of California before I knew... All the memories flood together and instantly create the mood... The heavenly. I love lonely quiet days.. The soundtrack was brilliant, I learned a lot. 

Time to catch up with loved ones and reevaluate the present.. All I know is history, thank God. So I use my imagination, breathing the air that is mine. The life I came to conquer. "Home will always be there.." Right where I left off... Which in actuality is a tricky spot, best forgotten with time. 

The harmonious  voices & calm acoustics give me breathing room. I need a bit of piano.... 

I can feel the thoughts, careful not to have a complex... But the reassuring text have come right on cue. They help me remember that people believe in me. Believe in the curiosity that I strive to have everyday. Not everyone can... I was given the gift. I need to share. 

The ones who relate to me best are stunning, well put together souls that float around with dazzling feathers. I suppose they have veil like energy as well, I don't see why it would be any different with them. The further away... The more I see the love I have left behind.

"Will I ever feel better?"what is getting me now. Just me. Please don't get bored now... The fight I have with myself all days. 

Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:16 KJV)

Let me give you some support.

Keeping a secret is tough. I've already said enough. I still haven't a clue but I can feel it better now. I am that much closer to the dreams. I get frustrated just talking about something. I have to do things. 

When is the time to leave? I don't know, but I know that this is going to be fun. I have a few years to play around and see how much I can travel. See the sights and write the words that will improve the world. I haven't lost hope quite yet...

The first one was beautiful. Wonderful. Exactly who I am looking for. It will be wonderful to see the world from the other side. I am strong enough now. I am ready to breathe and settle in. I found a picture I'm imaging in my life. Lennon and liberty. Music and art. The vision of light. I've seen her before.. We met somewhere on the east. She was by the sea swimming with the dolphins. The waves. The Sunday trips to rodanthe chasing waves ... Who knew we'd never see that road again. The view was priceless every single time. It was so perfect ... a thin bubble like glass that was about to fall to the ground and shatter. All the timing was exactly right. The summer thunderstorms and back porch picnic dinners... I have ended those times; panic in my head as i realize too much. I am at risk always. It may kill me, it may save me. I must ask for forgiveness. I pray that someone saves me.  

Sage.

( noun)

a profoundly wise person; a person famed for wisdom.

someone venerated for the possession of wisdom, judgment, and experience.

- adjective

wise, judicious, or prudent: sage advice.

Listening to music breathes life into me. Their love gives me hope. So far I've received all I've asked for. I didn't I know I would feel such pain. Such sadness and despair, I am relieved that I can't actually predict the future.  But the options overwhelm me, that is what brought me here.

So I stay alone a few days and hear my thoughts again. I come to terms that Christmas will be spent alone. I have accepted the idea, it sounds relaxing after the past few wild weeks. The separation from society seems refreshing. I actually want it now, the ocean. That is mine to have now... So off to see good friends, family actually, in Vegas. These two boys mean the world to me. Since we were fourteen they have drove me mad. But they have always taken care of me. They love me. I am the strong woman I am today because of all those boys. 

The morning was nice, you wouldn't know by all the tears. I have so much emotion. Just crying. It's ok to cry. It may be a sign of weakness, but it shows that you are human...then you have a revaluation of your life; yoga. 

On the cliff, bare winter trees allow the sun to actually bath you in energy. The view is breathtaking. I fell in love. I was thankful to be there. The clouds were pale, the colors will stick with me. Cool dark blue tones, those right before or after the storm. Tears streamed down my face while I practiced, breathing. The release of the tension. The healing power that you and the earth have. Together. I felt comfortable to let the saline stream fall, it gave  me a different energy that allowed me to move forward. Towards the end, I felt like a child, laughing and massaging  my feet, letting go of the past. All the trials. All the walking. The distance from me now is further. 

I wanted to say thank you after, I was grateful for the beautiful red head, brine, that graced my life and helped make me smile.  A woman of grace and power. Confident and very free from stress or pain. One day I will be her again. I noticed immediately after... a guy, nothing special... I felt that I needed to meet him. Minutes later I spoke up, and he said all the right things. All the things I needed to hear. He was curious. "It took a lot of strength to do what you just did". I wonder if he saw the sadness... I laughed. He was sad about how he missed his past and who he used to be.. But he realized that he already had that. He was happy he had it, now it is time to grow. He said it was the best and perfect time to show up to the west coast. The new world is upon us. I feel the heaviness of that wave, I've experienced it in a way that words will never describe, but that is life. I want to be a part of this movement in a way that no one understands. I want change and to make a difference. I want to be creative and balanced in life.  

I do see these visions of light everyday. I see them so perfectly. So epically that I have faith in my life. This new world I just discovered. Now to be discovered. Then I can make a change. 

Famous 

(adjective)

--having a widespread reputation, usually of a favorable nature; renowned; celebrated: a famous writer.

--Informal.  first-rate; excellent: The singer gave a famous performance.

--notorious (used pejoratively).

I'm only satisfied when I'm going somewhere... So I need to be able to move. To escape. To explore. That takes time, but I tasted it. As long as I have a few weeks.. Even just days to rest and be still.. Then I'm anxious to move again. I am blessed that this is my calling. I wished to be in an airport. Here I go...

Sugar.

The chemicals are equivalent to that of pleasure. The surge of happiness that fills your insides and graces you with more energy. Move drive, more power. I tasted syrup today. The sharp edges of crystallized honey seeping off the pacific coastline. The sunset was that of a mirage, thick teal gray clusters that blended into the horizon, creating a glass like image. The power of the waves crashing, smoothed rocks and tangled your hair.  Cloud cover played cotton candy colors along the shore. That sight was memorable, possibly forever. If you think back a year it will give you a clue. I was childishly dreaming  of where I am today.  With an exception of course... I took a path that was yet uncovered and I couldn't imagine a thing. Now I am laying here in an west coast oceanside  mountain cabin... Last year I was in an east side oceanfront house with what I imagined as my future husband. The good thing about life is ... You don't always get what you wish for.

12.16.12

How does that grab you.

other people want to keep in touch

something happens and its not enough 

12.12.11 I just want to find the balance of being independently amazing & being madly in love. 

Give me mystery & clarity.  The west coast highway explains the feeling.  I felt several in our short hours drive.  I felt the past gone, yet revisiting for reminders.  I needed to be reminded of the fragile line of love & hate. It's much like riding the edge of a cliff side. The mountains and ocean in one look. 

The small chance of hope.  The one second when you stop and worry with what you want. Breathing the ocean air in this town. Seeing the friendship and characters... Surfers.  Familiar sounds. Familiar sights to soften the fall.  

So I sit still and I am the normal consistency.  The stream of saline calmed my nerves.  You just have to release feelings. I suppose my mother understands. So now I get my life back... The following days will be important. Our small cottage is a place to rest and relax. Write a few letters and understand that falling in love is a process in the making.  Our futures will collide soon enough. I will enjoy my last few lonely months... So I can recall them later...

Pretend

I know how to be your friend. You won't have to pretend around me.  It's a wild feeling.. Being hooked.  Without the hope of love, what is the meaning? Music is the meaning now, it causes me to have to give ... Nothing. Instead I receive the feeling of pleasure, to know his song is for me. 

I could waste my time better... Mom said I haven't felt happiness since middle school age.. I remember slightly. I'd rather sit outside and paint.. I haven't much interest in being "social"; only if it has to do with my art.. Selfish. 

I'm always looking for something. Lost in this masquerade. The purpose is pleasant... I haven't a clue now.  Lost inside this lonely game we play.  

Once you write something... It has nothing to do with you anymore.  I believe this, heard about it last night.  I don't even believe that it is me writing, I just believe that it has to come out and needs to be heard.  Whether I'm dead or alive, someone needs to hear it. Perhaps fifty years from now she stumbles across it.. Then she understands. All of my life will be worth it. This moment of reflection reminds me of a time when I read words that saved me.