Christmas Day.

This day represents family and an uncontrolled excitement for the gifts. Gifts of family and really good food. We would travel together and listen to Christmas music, mom loves it. She also gave us the love of the grinch. cindy lou who. I have a sense of alone today. 

I am going to face my fears. One at a time. Some days several at a time.  I need to converse more. Perhaps take it as far as being social... I've become so accustomed and content with my own company.  I can spend hours... Even days alone. It's not the happiest times. But at least I'm free from other people's needs and wants. 

"You might find more comfort in the people you left behind." Marie - the critters

For now I'm searching for comfort in the familiar. Familiar sounds, feelings, voices. The rhythm of a song... a lyric. Anything. I'm grabbing everything I can. 

Quietly resting and hiding away. I just can't see what I am so upset about. I'm just not confident in myself. I haven't satisfaction anymore. Selfish. 

I'm just guarded and reserved. Perhaps others should protect themselves better, save themselves the exhaustion of people constantly taking.

So today I pray for happiness. I pray for the sheer joy of achieving my goal. Merry Christmas to myself. I moved to California to make a new life. Away from everything I absolutely love. All of it. I have a busy year ahead of me. But once I figure it out here... I can be both places. Pain is only temporary. 

"Life isn't always a happy dance... But it is a dance nonetheless".  10.13.12

Harmony is beauty ... Life is a roller coaster. The ride that takes you up and down within seconds, moments that add themselves  together for your past. Until it has passed... do you really get to experience the situation.  I can't see any instant future, so there fore I see too many options.  I could easily just relax and let it just be, enjoy the beach and the sunshine.  But I'm completely out now, I have run through my security.. Time to remove the blanket. This is where every decisions counts and the days are numbered. 

I was drenched, seeing my skin covered and dripping with saline gave me relief.  One that brought teardrops blended into sweat.  The soundtrack was perfect, exactly what I needed to hear. To feel. To experience.  I pushed myself and learned that all of my years practicing gave me success. One breath. Seeing. My body in the mirror, an image I'm not accustomed to watching... She has good posture. Better now that ever before. She is more experienced, she is ready for the challenge. The lost pieces I will begin to gather, to collect them from the world. From those around me, from my love that is so happy to see me. I have missed her so. Only six years ago we met three thousand miles away, during the time where we found our art. Our sense of self and our youth . We found each other. We found hairstyling. There is so much more to style. It's a feeling that carries on for a long time. Days.. Weeks... Months worth of self confidence. We were trained to give that to humans.

Vanity. I know I touch on this often, but it is a reality. The responsibility of a realization. I need to trust my stomach and stay here to make it  home. I'm not ready to leave.... Maybe one day, home will be in his arms.

Six years from now... I have this vision.  I pictured this life for myself and now I am here.  So my vision is secure. A place in my career, a human to love... A home, a few flights to the east coast and maybe even a child. If I am so lucky to create life... I want a team life partner. I'm not looking anymore, it has drowned. So now I look for me. She is worth chasing.  

(All the lights... ) 

How does that grab you.

other people want to keep in touch

something happens and its not enough 

12.12.11 I just want to find the balance of being independently amazing & being madly in love. 

Give me mystery & clarity.  The west coast highway explains the feeling.  I felt several in our short hours drive.  I felt the past gone, yet revisiting for reminders.  I needed to be reminded of the fragile line of love & hate. It's much like riding the edge of a cliff side. The mountains and ocean in one look. 

The small chance of hope.  The one second when you stop and worry with what you want. Breathing the ocean air in this town. Seeing the friendship and characters... Surfers.  Familiar sounds. Familiar sights to soften the fall.  

So I sit still and I am the normal consistency.  The stream of saline calmed my nerves.  You just have to release feelings. I suppose my mother understands. So now I get my life back... The following days will be important. Our small cottage is a place to rest and relax. Write a few letters and understand that falling in love is a process in the making.  Our futures will collide soon enough. I will enjoy my last few lonely months... So I can recall them later...

i'd rather dance with you.

i'm bored with words.  i create them so well its become annoying.  i'm just pretending, creating the entire scenario... i'm ready for some touch.  i want to feel it in my soul.

the perfect day was yesterday.  all my favorite elements.  it was so overwhelmingly beautiful that i cried.  all the pieces i'm beginning to find them.  it makes sense.  he is right. "i'm absolutely ridiculous". i'm just hopeful... i hugged her and cried.  we don't cry much together, we don't really even chatter much.  what we say is important.  she is my best friend, everything i strive to be.  everything that i strive to become.  she is a mysterious woman.  one that gives out all her love, she is so beautiful... so absolutely brilliant.  she has amazing taste in music and the entertaining arts. she is mother and she is why i am this sliver of light.

"dancing with the beast...it takes money and airplanes." - Toyko vampires&wolves . the wombats

if you love me let me go.  i witnessed the union of love yesterday.  my cousin and his best friend.  what a wonderful family.  it is lovely.  i was underdressed. "i didn't know there would be super model's there". hilarious.  i am a free spirit & sometimes i look homeless.  technically this is true, the freedom of travel.  it teaches you things.

the advice from friends is a priceless treasure.  they influence every aspect of this... this world that i live in.  strange times.  it moves faster now, so fast that my normal entertainments have been pushed to the side, only a bit of time to sleep.  i must move west now.  the time has come to go.  to go on the adventure that will help me grow.  help me to change.  i am letting it go now.  my security... my home.  dorothy said it best "there's no place like home." but for now i'm entering a colorful dream land.  when i return i can create a new life here.  one that doesn't involve the creatures of night, the one's that take your soul.  i need my escape now.  it's just too much.  "you need to go..."

one more slow dance please.  i hope there is one more left in the cards for us.