"Life isn't always a happy dance... But it is a dance nonetheless".  10.13.12

Harmony is beauty ... Life is a roller coaster. The ride that takes you up and down within seconds, moments that add themselves  together for your past. Until it has passed... do you really get to experience the situation.  I can't see any instant future, so there fore I see too many options.  I could easily just relax and let it just be, enjoy the beach and the sunshine.  But I'm completely out now, I have run through my security.. Time to remove the blanket. This is where every decisions counts and the days are numbered. 

I was drenched, seeing my skin covered and dripping with saline gave me relief.  One that brought teardrops blended into sweat.  The soundtrack was perfect, exactly what I needed to hear. To feel. To experience.  I pushed myself and learned that all of my years practicing gave me success. One breath. Seeing. My body in the mirror, an image I'm not accustomed to watching... She has good posture. Better now that ever before. She is more experienced, she is ready for the challenge. The lost pieces I will begin to gather, to collect them from the world. From those around me, from my love that is so happy to see me. I have missed her so. Only six years ago we met three thousand miles away, during the time where we found our art. Our sense of self and our youth . We found each other. We found hairstyling. There is so much more to style. It's a feeling that carries on for a long time. Days.. Weeks... Months worth of self confidence. We were trained to give that to humans.

Vanity. I know I touch on this often, but it is a reality. The responsibility of a realization. I need to trust my stomach and stay here to make it  home. I'm not ready to leave.... Maybe one day, home will be in his arms.

Six years from now... I have this vision.  I pictured this life for myself and now I am here.  So my vision is secure. A place in my career, a human to love... A home, a few flights to the east coast and maybe even a child. If I am so lucky to create life... I want a team life partner. I'm not looking anymore, it has drowned. So now I look for me. She is worth chasing.  

(All the lights... ) 

The catalyst.

 The way things go... As equally as they come.  His negative energy pushed me away from my home... Pushed me to a new dimension... Changed my perspective. Now I am so far away still.. I feel even further from my goal than before.  It is a thin line for security. A frail thread that could snap and send me home. 

A castaway from my own land... My own life. I just don't fit in anywhere anymore... I haven't interest in what others are rambling about ... The drunken mist that they subject themselves to... He said the most hilarious thing... They will eventually kill themselves off, then we won't have to worry with their negative energy. Those that are crazy enough to believe that they can change the world ... Will.  Willpower is a drug.  

Drugs. I have new ones now... I bore easily.  I moved on from the need to be stupid, it's not a good look. Occasionally drinking makes dancing easier, but I have to have good music for that.  The "usuals" don't understand good music, really they just sway around for anything.  I've been very passive lately, it's a new look I'm trying on.  But my body is calling out for help, she needs to stretch, breathe and move.  I miss my powerful French influence. I miss her passion and direction, she knew exactly what my body needed.  She mentioned before I left that "those" around me might not be accepting to me... I understand what she meant by that.  Negatives are turned off by positive. They will try and take all that you posses. Fair enough. Now I just have to work that much harder.  I haven't time for petty nonsense and substance abuse. I need to cancel all of it out. 

empty glass full.

Now is the time to stop and listen. What is that sound?  Live music always brings me back to life. Especially when it is meant for my ears only.  I want to slow down and breathe in the essence of what is happening.  Unfortunately I just keep going ... Faster.

The sights to see.  A familiar taste, the left coast. Seeing the surfers and ocean  motion reminded me that it will be alright. A few new sights and some positive ions; does  wonders with the soul. A new side of life, time to flip the cassette. 

Conversations with silence. Then thoughts to music.  A jazzy string quartet was the entertainment, a cup of jasmine tea.  Sounds marvelous. It is refreshing to see civilized humans admiring talent.  The uniqueness of the band was lovely, the company was smart.  I'm into genius currently, flattered with lost souls earlier, now I'm interested in the discovery of brilliance.  It's going to take a team of people, not just one, to build walls of wisdom with me. Several great minds, each one bringing a notion to the table.  Change is going to be the answer. 

"Once you set your mind to something, the body is soon to follow."-Matthew Stewart 

He sang songs of love and following your desire. There is something calming about the repetitive trance his style placed me in.  The strings danced around and gave me visions of the salsa number with him.  The contact of our eyes and skin, leaking out bits of saline and hidden emotion... The passion.  I lust after it for the time being.  Body language speaks volumes.

Discovery. Rest and music.  Rinse and repeat.  Feelings of empty.. Give it back to me, let me feel again.  The song by ray lamontange says it best.. "I've been to hell and back so many times you kinda bore me."  This speaks for me now, the fact I was able to hear it live.. Acoustic .. A blessing in disguise. I've been revived, the sound waves and ocean salt felt like home.

I was intrigued from day one. The beginning of this life , this movement... This legacy. "I was intrigued the day I met him.. The first day I saw his dr. Seuss guitar. Changed my world. Then he smashed it. Literally." 10.14.12

It's just a matter of taking a risk

Putting together the worlds 

Of our life, the words of the moment

That become a twisted mess

Unnatural to the order 

Of the lines. 

Cross out letters to change

The meaning of our voices

And doubtful thoughts.

In love with the insane notion

Of what could be a mistake from

 falling down.

Kansas. 2.3.12

"Can you teach me how to dance ... real slow".  

Thirteen hours across the flat and open fields, the piece of America that is still unoccupied. The land generates wind power... Their majestic silhouettes grace the curves of central Kansas. It's a beautiful day, feels like spring. It's brighter out here, the air is clean and simple. I imagine the small population is as well. I found my dream plantation home out there... Acres of green grass, trees and a few old barns.  Perhaps I wish to raise all six children in the middle of an innocent land, one where I can enhance their isolation; it makes for an imaginative mind.  I want to put brilliance out into this world.. It must be the responsibility of someone, our world is  struggling. Frantically searching for a great mind. One that will make all the difference. 

Dreams-the chance to step out of reality and see color and light. Unfortunately not everyone can see. For I once was lost... But now I am found.

I can imagine a bit of an outcome now. One that is a new world. A new place in time... A new career.  I have big plans for my life now. It's a now or never kinda thing.  At twenty five.. I am now leaving my home to make a name for myself... Change a life... Build an empire.  It just takes a few of the greatest minds to combine... Become a family and then they can be something. Something that is what everyone needs. 

The past few days have been a roller coaster of emotion.  A lot of spontaneous gestures.. I'm a slow changing chameleon. Nonetheless I adjust. I guess it comes from years of siblings... Sisters even.  Quite an accomplishment to survive that childhood.  The hormones and rage.. The love and beauty.  I have become inspired from leaving everything that I adore... 

The west coast will be an unexpected moment, when I do actually arrive. The sun will shine, the opportunities loom. Tea party with my Ali cat, maybe even a sushi date.  I need to focus on me.. My crazy/fantastical life.. It's not anyone's business but my own.   He will recognize me one day, from across a very large and dark room. I pray sooner than later... But I doubt.  Until then I have a few songs that remind me of his voice.  And dreams to remember our bodies together. Why does it always come back to this? Why is it that we just need to be held? To be needed? "Crash into me". DMB 

i will follow you into the dark

                       - death cab for cutie

       leaves (2002) -    leaves fall to the ground like tears
                       covering the grass
                       a naked tree stands alone.

the last night in my bed at home.  this place is full of memories... the fun times with my family.  the late night music sessions... the alone time, paintings... the loudest music.  i found myself here in this place.  lucky for me my father built me a beach house instead of a tree house.  he feeds the birds... i loved hearing them in the mornings.  the late nights and struggles to get to work on time.  the responsibility of living alone... i was a young twenty with a real job. plus two other jobs...  late nights and early mornings.    i'm so thankful i could get to work by the oceanside road.  i am happy for the wonderful time, but a world awaits me.  this one was ever so perfect.

Oh I wanna dance with somebody,
I wanna feel the heat.
Yeah I wanna dance with somebody,
With somebody who loves me.
Somebody who loves me,
To hold me in his arms.
I need a man who'll take a chance,
On a love that burns hot enough to last.
So when the night falls,
My lonely heart calls.
dance with somebody - whitney houston

so i have a blank canvas now.  i am the artist standing there... still for awhile.  waiting for the spell to be cast... the spell that causes all my paint to spill & create the shapes and designs that i fall in love with.  artwork worth the time.  that changes perspective. that alter egos... that is remembered.  the brilliance of  being an artist.  it eventually will consume your life.  it's a chance you take, but once you are in... you are in for life.  i'm diving deep for this challenge.  you only get one life... i'm not the type to play it safe.  

i want more.  i need more at this point in my life.  twenty five years later and i'm her.  i'm who i pretended to be all along.  i created her as a child.  now i stand in front of a mirror and stare.  she is... me?  i love her.  i'm absolutely in love with her.  so now i must go... she must see the world.  share the love that is possible for all of us.  i'll meet my dark side soon enough.  for now i'll get a good night's sleep in my california king.  i'll dream of my king one last night here on the island.  then to higher ground.  from sea to mountains. i will follow you.