1.10.13 evening

Mamihlapinatapei (Yagan, an indigenous language of Tierra del Fuego): The wordless yet meaningful look shared by two people who desire to initiate something, but are both reluctant to start. 

Yuanfen (Chinese): A relationship by fate or destiny. This is a complex concept. It draws on principles of predetermination in Chinese culture, which dictate relationships, encounters and affinities, mostly among lovers and friends.

Cafuné (Brazilian Portuguese): The act of tenderly running your fingers through someone's hair.

Retrouvailles (French):  The happiness of meeting again after a long time. 

Ilunga (Bantu): A person who is willing to forgive abuse the first time; tolerate it the second time, but never a third time.

La Douleur Exquise (French): The heart-wrenching pain of wanting someone you can’t have.

Koi No Yokan (Japanese): The sense upon first meeting a person that the two of you are going to fall into love. 

Ya’aburnee (Arabic): “You bury me.” It’s a declaration of one’s hope that they’ll die before another person, because of how difficult it would be to live without them.

Forelsket: (Norwegian):  The euphoria you experience when you’re first falling in love.

Saudade (Portuguese): The feeling of longing for someone that you love and is lost. Another linguist describes it as a "vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist."

i was very excited to "stumble upon" this tonight. it explains so much. today was a good day. 

read the full article at: http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1T64Y6/bigthink.com/marriage-30/the-top-10-relationship-words-that-arent-translatable-into-english?page=all/

Christmas Day.

This day represents family and an uncontrolled excitement for the gifts. Gifts of family and really good food. We would travel together and listen to Christmas music, mom loves it. She also gave us the love of the grinch. cindy lou who. I have a sense of alone today. 

I am going to face my fears. One at a time. Some days several at a time.  I need to converse more. Perhaps take it as far as being social... I've become so accustomed and content with my own company.  I can spend hours... Even days alone. It's not the happiest times. But at least I'm free from other people's needs and wants. 

"You might find more comfort in the people you left behind." Marie - the critters

For now I'm searching for comfort in the familiar. Familiar sounds, feelings, voices. The rhythm of a song... a lyric. Anything. I'm grabbing everything I can. 

Quietly resting and hiding away. I just can't see what I am so upset about. I'm just not confident in myself. I haven't satisfaction anymore. Selfish. 

I'm just guarded and reserved. Perhaps others should protect themselves better, save themselves the exhaustion of people constantly taking.

So today I pray for happiness. I pray for the sheer joy of achieving my goal. Merry Christmas to myself. I moved to California to make a new life. Away from everything I absolutely love. All of it. I have a busy year ahead of me. But once I figure it out here... I can be both places. Pain is only temporary. 

Kansas. 2.3.12

"Can you teach me how to dance ... real slow".  

Thirteen hours across the flat and open fields, the piece of America that is still unoccupied. The land generates wind power... Their majestic silhouettes grace the curves of central Kansas. It's a beautiful day, feels like spring. It's brighter out here, the air is clean and simple. I imagine the small population is as well. I found my dream plantation home out there... Acres of green grass, trees and a few old barns.  Perhaps I wish to raise all six children in the middle of an innocent land, one where I can enhance their isolation; it makes for an imaginative mind.  I want to put brilliance out into this world.. It must be the responsibility of someone, our world is  struggling. Frantically searching for a great mind. One that will make all the difference. 

Dreams-the chance to step out of reality and see color and light. Unfortunately not everyone can see. For I once was lost... But now I am found.

I can imagine a bit of an outcome now. One that is a new world. A new place in time... A new career.  I have big plans for my life now. It's a now or never kinda thing.  At twenty five.. I am now leaving my home to make a name for myself... Change a life... Build an empire.  It just takes a few of the greatest minds to combine... Become a family and then they can be something. Something that is what everyone needs. 

The past few days have been a roller coaster of emotion.  A lot of spontaneous gestures.. I'm a slow changing chameleon. Nonetheless I adjust. I guess it comes from years of siblings... Sisters even.  Quite an accomplishment to survive that childhood.  The hormones and rage.. The love and beauty.  I have become inspired from leaving everything that I adore... 

The west coast will be an unexpected moment, when I do actually arrive. The sun will shine, the opportunities loom. Tea party with my Ali cat, maybe even a sushi date.  I need to focus on me.. My crazy/fantastical life.. It's not anyone's business but my own.   He will recognize me one day, from across a very large and dark room. I pray sooner than later... But I doubt.  Until then I have a few songs that remind me of his voice.  And dreams to remember our bodies together. Why does it always come back to this? Why is it that we just need to be held? To be needed? "Crash into me". DMB 

last day.

the instance when all the space is occupied with flesh, not one inch went to waste.  it was a good feeling to be one with another... the skin of our numb bodies together in an action of sorts.  i'm not sure where we were going with this.. but the feeling was priceless.
all the songs added together... unfortunately i was being strange and don't remember any of them.  i also was so distracted that my black tank and leather leggings were the least of my worries.  instead i traveled around with the fur and sound... writing poems on the kitchen floor.  at three am ... offers bounds of inspiration.  too bad all feelings hurt.. even the tears are like needles that stab deep into the soul.  i'm just no longer even interested in looking at other souls.  for no one... the dress up game is for you.  the mystery of material.  the love source of alittle lace... the instance when you realize that the bra you decided to wear is just a bit uncomfortable and a few scars will never stop you...

(excerpt from the lingerie diary)

there is no sense in jumping to conclusions.  i guess the closest i could get today was far... but its like at any moment... living that life is exhausting.  it's better to just not a have a clue, i guess i like surprises more than i thought.  you can't rush destiny, i just wish i could feel comfort...  every once in a while.  i'm so used to giving out all of myself, i need someone to help me recharge.

i saw an older couple out tonight, they were adorable.  so affectionate, in a subtle way... but i loved seeing the history of their relationship.  it gives me a tiny bit of hope, even though i'm pretty sure that it has become impossible for our generation to love.  we had no good examples.  just a bunch of jumbled messages... now we require instant satisfaction... or we quickly move on.

i need that feeling in my stomach to disappear.  i'm tired of living this life like some "love" is going to solve anything.. the distraction from where i'm really headed.  i'm leaving all of this behind.  i think she should go with us... i'm going to need another soul with me for this journey.  "soul searching".  finding the meaning of life... because i now realize that it has nothing to do with work or money.  there is more than we can ever fathom.  all of the materialistic things here on earth will be meaningless to us in our future.  

i'm just overwhelmed and a bit bummed that i can't figure him out.  if i could though; i would have no interest in him at all... and then that would be the end.  i like a never ending story the best.  the dark mysterious shadow.  "sometimes depression gives you the same feeling as joy."  i found truth in that tonight.  i don't want to think about anything anymore.  letting go of love for awhile... i'm all used up.