12.21.12

Life is full of ever changing variables. change is enviable, guaranteed. Very few things are guaranteed,  promise nothing. A few select breathes, and death. An ending is promised, even foretold. The epilogue to the story, all the books. Most people dont listen until you are gone. If I can have them hear while I am alive.. More power. But I'm not concerned either way. I have much work to do.

Another day in my quiet paradise. I am very thankful for this stillness before it is a whirlwind. I am sure it will get wild, worth the lack of oxygen and rest. The sunglasses are an important side of business. I must dress and act the part of success before I will ever become it. 

Without money ... Free falling into the future. It's a gamble you take. I risk a lot of things daily now. Sometimes my safety, sometimes my pride. I'm trying to be as graceful as I can. This is all the gift. 

So I step back and look around. Not a bad view. I'm excited for the morning. The inspiration, the attention to detail. The ending was predicted for today, but no one had time to worry about it. I pray to god that an ending does come, to the current state of our world. A bright future lies ahead. One that reminds me of my childhood. 

there is no sense in jumping to conclusions.  i guess the closest i could get today was far... but its like at any moment... living that life is exhausting.  it's better to just not a have a clue, i guess i like surprises more than i thought.  you can't rush destiny, i just wish i could feel comfort...  every once in a while.  i'm so used to giving out all of myself, i need someone to help me recharge.

i saw an older couple out tonight, they were adorable.  so affectionate, in a subtle way... but i loved seeing the history of their relationship.  it gives me a tiny bit of hope, even though i'm pretty sure that it has become impossible for our generation to love.  we had no good examples.  just a bunch of jumbled messages... now we require instant satisfaction... or we quickly move on.

i need that feeling in my stomach to disappear.  i'm tired of living this life like some "love" is going to solve anything.. the distraction from where i'm really headed.  i'm leaving all of this behind.  i think she should go with us... i'm going to need another soul with me for this journey.  "soul searching".  finding the meaning of life... because i now realize that it has nothing to do with work or money.  there is more than we can ever fathom.  all of the materialistic things here on earth will be meaningless to us in our future.  

i'm just overwhelmed and a bit bummed that i can't figure him out.  if i could though; i would have no interest in him at all... and then that would be the end.  i like a never ending story the best.  the dark mysterious shadow.  "sometimes depression gives you the same feeling as joy."  i found truth in that tonight.  i don't want to think about anything anymore.  letting go of love for awhile... i'm all used up.