The new year. West Hollywood.

The strangest terms come from the moments you can't plan. The one chance you get to take a wild card. I'm thankful mine usually happen either all or nothing. The two extremes is how I live. Stories you never repeat because 'they' wouldn't believe you anyway. I mean how could they? It doesn't make sense.

Knowing the most beautiful of your times will never be captured is hard to understand. It's hard to accept. It frustrates me that the ray of light will eventually go dark and I will have no where to look to find it again. Lost in the memories of strangers. The ones who don't remember either. 

The stance I balanced on was that of a starlet, yet I'm just an east coast island girl. Something of a spectacle, they are fascinated with me. As if I'm some 'real' that know one knows or sees... They can't understand. Not of this world, I have left my old self to move forward and see the obstacles. I see clarity & pray. Giving myself to the one who created me, to give me only that I can handle. He knows my limit. I do not.. I push around limits. 

Sometimes you fall. I fell forward into a garden of confusion. Losing control only for a few hours.. Losing a friend. I think I sacrificed too much for nothing. I do not regret... So learn that life is precious and I need to better protect my health. And body. This creature that I have so delicately helped mold... It is not for others anymore. Only for me. The mouth rape was enough, he'd swept me away forever... Had he the choice. I'm already taken. And I am evil otherwise. It's a trait about me... That is my savior and destroyer. 

The beginning is just over the horizon. We hiked eight miles in solstice canyon ... Seeing the sun set over the ocean through the rolling green hills. Not something I could find at home. The fire destroyed their lives... Their homes were burned away... Leaving only brick structures and retro ovens. Large kitchens and fire places that survived the flames. Ruins of years ago.. I pictured the models in modern French dresses and big textured hair. I'm not sure what to do with the men though... The shoot will show the end of an era. The era where women are less... domestic.  We are the brilliance that is what will save us. History shows it, proves it. Every soul craves the feminine power, the beauty she possess. Men want it. Women want it. Creatures all alike want this 'beauty' so much that it gives power to those... Certain humans. I pray mine doesn't go to waste. Lord please forgive me. I cry out to you. 

How I repeatedly survive situations leads me to believe that I am meant for life. The sound of music saves me and this new year began in a land of creative forces. The people that I must emerge myself in to create the works of art I know I'm meant to create. 

Early on I began creating. I created clothes. Houses.. Worlds... Barbie bands, that were always on tour. Books ... Games. Being raised in a secluded land left me plenty of imaginative time. Mother let us be. She enabled us to be one of a kind. She is the definition of a mother. She created stunning women. Three of them. Each of is a blessing in disguise. We just haven't a clue how to use our gifts yet. I'm only in the very early stages now. I had to give up everything... My past... to have this moment. This life... 

At four am... I sit Indian style in a chair. The 'not yet released' insight doll baby dress... The leather leggings... The black pumps.. And a head of unreasonable curls.... I laugh in a room full of men. "Lets start a revolution. I know I'm a part of it." I think I've known all along. Film. That's how you capture life... That's how you alter the real. Taking out the parts that you don't want to remember. I've made plenty to know. I wrote and directed films as a child. Starring... My sisters and friends. Of course you chose your friends. They are the ones with passion behind their work.. They have a reason. So the empire of friends continues to grow. 

My feelings haven't changed. They sit right where they left off. In the midst of all my life changes.. I still want to lay with him. Like a cat... Snuggling in a sleep so angelic that you'd think  it could last forever. So peaceful that it reassures you ...while together the world will not take our life away. 

Alternate ending.

I didn't expect to part with her so soon, but our paths separated. She doesn't see her path, so she goes about constantly discovering new.  I have to stop here and make a life. I need a place. I need space. 

Lesson learned. Life changed in an instant. Envision a new outcome, new future. Keeps me on my toes. Thank goodness I stretch, else I wouldn't be so flexible. I have seen all this before, I can feel the "deja vu". 

So I think I'm in the right path. Wandering along, it's dark now. Led  strictly on faith. Trying to trust my instincts. It feels good to be released.

I am a troubled soul though. The world weighs on me, it's not an easy life. As it appears from the outside. There is more responsibility than I even realize. To keep my mind. Health and body balanced. It is the basis behind my career. My life goals. I have a feeling it's going to be a lonely life... Yet full of so many relationships... I just can't keep them long. The dependence is too much for me now because my task is.. Unknown. So I must stay prepared. 

So the saga continues... Just when you think it is done. It's never done. Or over  I suppose. 

Can the crazy please leave

My body for just a day

And let me see like all

The other mindless souls

Wandering this earth

Naive to the power they posses.

So they cling to other

Beauty on the outside

Tricking those who aren't paying

Attention to detail.

Release this tension

That won't leave my shoulders

Carrying too much weight for 

One small girl to handle.

Christmas Day.

This day represents family and an uncontrolled excitement for the gifts. Gifts of family and really good food. We would travel together and listen to Christmas music, mom loves it. She also gave us the love of the grinch. cindy lou who. I have a sense of alone today. 

I am going to face my fears. One at a time. Some days several at a time.  I need to converse more. Perhaps take it as far as being social... I've become so accustomed and content with my own company.  I can spend hours... Even days alone. It's not the happiest times. But at least I'm free from other people's needs and wants. 

"You might find more comfort in the people you left behind." Marie - the critters

For now I'm searching for comfort in the familiar. Familiar sounds, feelings, voices. The rhythm of a song... a lyric. Anything. I'm grabbing everything I can. 

Quietly resting and hiding away. I just can't see what I am so upset about. I'm just not confident in myself. I haven't satisfaction anymore. Selfish. 

I'm just guarded and reserved. Perhaps others should protect themselves better, save themselves the exhaustion of people constantly taking.

So today I pray for happiness. I pray for the sheer joy of achieving my goal. Merry Christmas to myself. I moved to California to make a new life. Away from everything I absolutely love. All of it. I have a busy year ahead of me. But once I figure it out here... I can be both places. Pain is only temporary. 

Sage.

( noun)

a profoundly wise person; a person famed for wisdom.

someone venerated for the possession of wisdom, judgment, and experience.

- adjective

wise, judicious, or prudent: sage advice.

Listening to music breathes life into me. Their love gives me hope. So far I've received all I've asked for. I didn't I know I would feel such pain. Such sadness and despair, I am relieved that I can't actually predict the future.  But the options overwhelm me, that is what brought me here.

So I stay alone a few days and hear my thoughts again. I come to terms that Christmas will be spent alone. I have accepted the idea, it sounds relaxing after the past few wild weeks. The separation from society seems refreshing. I actually want it now, the ocean. That is mine to have now... So off to see good friends, family actually, in Vegas. These two boys mean the world to me. Since we were fourteen they have drove me mad. But they have always taken care of me. They love me. I am the strong woman I am today because of all those boys. 

The morning was nice, you wouldn't know by all the tears. I have so much emotion. Just crying. It's ok to cry. It may be a sign of weakness, but it shows that you are human...then you have a revaluation of your life; yoga. 

On the cliff, bare winter trees allow the sun to actually bath you in energy. The view is breathtaking. I fell in love. I was thankful to be there. The clouds were pale, the colors will stick with me. Cool dark blue tones, those right before or after the storm. Tears streamed down my face while I practiced, breathing. The release of the tension. The healing power that you and the earth have. Together. I felt comfortable to let the saline stream fall, it gave  me a different energy that allowed me to move forward. Towards the end, I felt like a child, laughing and massaging  my feet, letting go of the past. All the trials. All the walking. The distance from me now is further. 

I wanted to say thank you after, I was grateful for the beautiful red head, brine, that graced my life and helped make me smile.  A woman of grace and power. Confident and very free from stress or pain. One day I will be her again. I noticed immediately after... a guy, nothing special... I felt that I needed to meet him. Minutes later I spoke up, and he said all the right things. All the things I needed to hear. He was curious. "It took a lot of strength to do what you just did". I wonder if he saw the sadness... I laughed. He was sad about how he missed his past and who he used to be.. But he realized that he already had that. He was happy he had it, now it is time to grow. He said it was the best and perfect time to show up to the west coast. The new world is upon us. I feel the heaviness of that wave, I've experienced it in a way that words will never describe, but that is life. I want to be a part of this movement in a way that no one understands. I want change and to make a difference. I want to be creative and balanced in life.  

I do see these visions of light everyday. I see them so perfectly. So epically that I have faith in my life. This new world I just discovered. Now to be discovered. Then I can make a change. 

Famous 

(adjective)

--having a widespread reputation, usually of a favorable nature; renowned; celebrated: a famous writer.

--Informal.  first-rate; excellent: The singer gave a famous performance.

--notorious (used pejoratively).

I'm only satisfied when I'm going somewhere... So I need to be able to move. To escape. To explore. That takes time, but I tasted it. As long as I have a few weeks.. Even just days to rest and be still.. Then I'm anxious to move again. I am blessed that this is my calling. I wished to be in an airport. Here I go...

12.21.12

Life is full of ever changing variables. change is enviable, guaranteed. Very few things are guaranteed,  promise nothing. A few select breathes, and death. An ending is promised, even foretold. The epilogue to the story, all the books. Most people dont listen until you are gone. If I can have them hear while I am alive.. More power. But I'm not concerned either way. I have much work to do.

Another day in my quiet paradise. I am very thankful for this stillness before it is a whirlwind. I am sure it will get wild, worth the lack of oxygen and rest. The sunglasses are an important side of business. I must dress and act the part of success before I will ever become it. 

Without money ... Free falling into the future. It's a gamble you take. I risk a lot of things daily now. Sometimes my safety, sometimes my pride. I'm trying to be as graceful as I can. This is all the gift. 

So I step back and look around. Not a bad view. I'm excited for the morning. The inspiration, the attention to detail. The ending was predicted for today, but no one had time to worry about it. I pray to god that an ending does come, to the current state of our world. A bright future lies ahead. One that reminds me of my childhood. 

Welcome to California

Three thousand miles ago... We are across the country. Far away from our past. Onward to who I strive to become.

The time will come when I can leave at any moment. Jet setting and fashion shows. A few classes and maybe even a hair salon.  Those are just to name a few.. Maybe a yacht and an island home. All this takes time and patience, perseverance and timing. Timing is everything.  I'm ready to cross the line and make something happen. 

Everything is different. But I feel a sense of calm now that we are finally here. I experienced some tension along the way, I now have a second to breathe.  Just one breath. The cars move along now quickly and consecutively... Symbolizing how quickly life passes by and the thing you always dreamed of is done and over. The cross country trip I dreamed of... Is done.  What a beautiful experience. I may have slept through a bit of it... But I've always slept at inopportune times. 

there is no sense in jumping to conclusions.  i guess the closest i could get today was far... but its like at any moment... living that life is exhausting.  it's better to just not a have a clue, i guess i like surprises more than i thought.  you can't rush destiny, i just wish i could feel comfort...  every once in a while.  i'm so used to giving out all of myself, i need someone to help me recharge.

i saw an older couple out tonight, they were adorable.  so affectionate, in a subtle way... but i loved seeing the history of their relationship.  it gives me a tiny bit of hope, even though i'm pretty sure that it has become impossible for our generation to love.  we had no good examples.  just a bunch of jumbled messages... now we require instant satisfaction... or we quickly move on.

i need that feeling in my stomach to disappear.  i'm tired of living this life like some "love" is going to solve anything.. the distraction from where i'm really headed.  i'm leaving all of this behind.  i think she should go with us... i'm going to need another soul with me for this journey.  "soul searching".  finding the meaning of life... because i now realize that it has nothing to do with work or money.  there is more than we can ever fathom.  all of the materialistic things here on earth will be meaningless to us in our future.  

i'm just overwhelmed and a bit bummed that i can't figure him out.  if i could though; i would have no interest in him at all... and then that would be the end.  i like a never ending story the best.  the dark mysterious shadow.  "sometimes depression gives you the same feeling as joy."  i found truth in that tonight.  i don't want to think about anything anymore.  letting go of love for awhile... i'm all used up. 

the meaning.

on the road. day one.  it was stunning out today.  the time flew and after several hours we had conquered north carolina.  now we sleep in the mountains... in a beautiful old cottage on the west side.  the place has stories, it beams with character.  the view is crystal and the moon is a pale black light that illuminates and creates shadows in the dark.  i am ecstatic... erratic... and quite frankly something of a strange creature now.  i have no expectation.  we can't form a plan... it would interfere with the master plan.

it is a new life now.  i'm supposed to be in this dark room... red curtains.  the silence of a cold mountain town.  so now i crave the meaning.  i need a meaningful moment with someone soon.  it's difficult to create meaning because it takes time.  you have to have a bit of repetitive movement to make security.  you must have history to create comfort.  so i'll paint something.  something to calm my breathing.  the sound of piano... covering today's "hits" is comforting.  i try and fill in the lyrics every so often... keeps the mystery.


Something in the way she moves
Attracts me like no other lover
Something in the way she woos me
I don't want to leave her now
You know I believe and how

Somewhere in her smile she knows
That I don't need no other lover
Something in her style that shows me
I don't want to leave her now
You know I believe and how

You're asking me will my love grow
I don't know, I don't know
You stick around now, it may show

I don't know, I don't know

the beatles

i will follow you into the dark

                       - death cab for cutie

       leaves (2002) -    leaves fall to the ground like tears
                       covering the grass
                       a naked tree stands alone.

the last night in my bed at home.  this place is full of memories... the fun times with my family.  the late night music sessions... the alone time, paintings... the loudest music.  i found myself here in this place.  lucky for me my father built me a beach house instead of a tree house.  he feeds the birds... i loved hearing them in the mornings.  the late nights and struggles to get to work on time.  the responsibility of living alone... i was a young twenty with a real job. plus two other jobs...  late nights and early mornings.    i'm so thankful i could get to work by the oceanside road.  i am happy for the wonderful time, but a world awaits me.  this one was ever so perfect.

Oh I wanna dance with somebody,
I wanna feel the heat.
Yeah I wanna dance with somebody,
With somebody who loves me.
Somebody who loves me,
To hold me in his arms.
I need a man who'll take a chance,
On a love that burns hot enough to last.
So when the night falls,
My lonely heart calls.
dance with somebody - whitney houston

so i have a blank canvas now.  i am the artist standing there... still for awhile.  waiting for the spell to be cast... the spell that causes all my paint to spill & create the shapes and designs that i fall in love with.  artwork worth the time.  that changes perspective. that alter egos... that is remembered.  the brilliance of  being an artist.  it eventually will consume your life.  it's a chance you take, but once you are in... you are in for life.  i'm diving deep for this challenge.  you only get one life... i'm not the type to play it safe.  

i want more.  i need more at this point in my life.  twenty five years later and i'm her.  i'm who i pretended to be all along.  i created her as a child.  now i stand in front of a mirror and stare.  she is... me?  i love her.  i'm absolutely in love with her.  so now i must go... she must see the world.  share the love that is possible for all of us.  i'll meet my dark side soon enough.  for now i'll get a good night's sleep in my california king.  i'll dream of my king one last night here on the island.  then to higher ground.  from sea to mountains. i will follow you. 

thoughts.  everything is about to be new.  i am ready.  i would imagine that this is how dying feels.  except i'm filled with the excitement from joy of the detour.  it gave me extra time.  to see friends and family.  i needed to learn a few more things before i left this island.  this place of childhood.  i'm walking away from it now...   i'm so thankful the sun is out.  it makes the air feel clean and revitalizing. i sat on the deck today to meditate. quickly... not much time.  i'll miss this, but the sun will follow me where ever i go.

only hours left.  i'm feeling overwhelmed with clothing.  i love clothes.  a little too much... they are just merely material, but i see so much potential in each one now that it is time to eliminate.  i see use for it in california, i hope anyway.  i'll learn to pack light later, maybe i'll just sell everything.  this is the life that i chose.  i chose to have this freedom to pack a bag (ha several bags) and leave.  this is really the beginning of something new... not the end at all.

im saving my emotion and energy now.  i must stay calm for a few weeks and just take all of this in.  the land. the country. the music. the love. spreading the love.  then when i get to california i want to learn.  learn until i just have to sleep for a few days.  take it all in.  i need to hear piano music soon.  from a human that is with me. you get just one day at a time.

scars.

they add interest.  it was the best worst mistake of my life.  i would say more of a defense mechanism.  it's exhausting having all the attention.  what about anonymous for a change.  at least i don't tower over everyone, wow she is beautiful.  i did it because i was frustrated and over it.  done with all the needs, the wants... nothing ever fit.  it happened so suddenly & i like pain.  i like absence and the fact that i could be away from everyone for awhile, experiment with drugs.  the dreams were strange, should've written about them.  i enjoy change as much i love control.  its a wild card really... now i'm completely different... at least they look at me less now.  before i was an object of sexual desire... now i blend in a bit more.  i guess less is more... the weight is gone.


i was tired.  the day was cold and long.  now i discuss all the options with myself, what am i really doing? at any moment i could just say stop... but i must go.  it hurts.  a good hurt.  the end, that last one.  this years love will be filled with forever.  i can finally feel it.  i would give up all my evil to be with him.  she asked me if i was sad today... not quite, just pondering what i'm really doing with my life.  are my intentions good? sometimes i feel like i can't go on.  i'd rather just stop and participate in the never-ending cycle... or i could sleep in a different place every night.  i love variety.  i like to see something different.  breathe.  i've forgotten how for a few minutes.  i caught myself stopping.  it's wild to think that your body knows and understands more than you.  yet the brain is in  control.  like life... you think you know what you are doing...  only God knows.