"Real love is like salt, it enhances the flavor that was there to begin with".

Falling in love is a risk, one that for better or for worse, must be taken alone. 

He said that I need to do it differently if I want to be noticed. dq. If that is the case... I think I'll begin with him. A beautiful pirate. I feel almost safe all the way over here. Time buries treasure like sand, only a few months under the sea and no one will ever know. 

The longing for the east coast. The boys down the street. The girl's wine dates.

The early morning road trips. The breakfast. The summer morning shower 

haircut.  Coffee. His blond hair. The perfect breeze. The air is clean and grey.

The small cabin in the woods. The one with the lights, colored along the ceiling. The dirt path that led me there. I dreamed this several times as a child. In different variations. I think this cabin actually exists ... I need to see it. 

........…On the mountain side of North Carolina.

"The bands were like the glue."

Sitting still of a while yesterday evening gave me a chance to collect my thoughts. The realization of the present sits... Still. A bit of music goes a long way. Watching a documentary of the beginning of sixties rock in the U.k. Made me realize a few things... Lots of drugs take a toll on your body. It makes your brain tick a little differently. Changes the sights and shapes. Alters the long term outcome. 

They had something no one did. The edge or advantage because they were new. Playing five to seven minute songs, the unique live shows... Throwing around sounds for hours that kept their fans enticed and in a trance of a spinning daze. Most of them were tripping on acid anyway... They are Pink Floyd. Anonymous makers of sound... A light show of sorts. The first to use colored liquid on slides to create liquid lava lights... Hiding their identity, their faces.  It's the sections that were never recorded that bring the most memory. A free fall over a minor chord... 

The mix of pride and shame is the story of the west. You give up everything for the greatest adventure of your life. The struggle to remain yourself.  The west is the most powerful energy... It is the regenerative source of America. 

No one can argue something that comes from within. We are humans... Some of it is marvelous.  Some of it was horrible. 

Either way it is done now. So I'm listening to the signs and assessing the damage. The fear. My brain breaks down the worry at night ... Giving me weird visions and illusions. Waking up to remain out of the false feelings.. The false occurrence of something so scary. Except my life here is real. Those dreams are not.

History will indeed repeat its self, where else is there to go? "Round and round on this merry go 'round". It's only a matter of time before the youth must stop being so naive and realize that 'we' are the change we wish to see. Such a waste, most of our youth.. Clouded with a messy loop of unnecessary priorities... Scrambled by the distraction of technology. Taking over the world at an uncanny rate... No one can slow it down. So it's up to us to keep up or get left behind. I choose to use my body and skills to better mankind... Please grant me strength and confidence to make this real. 

Christmas Day.

This day represents family and an uncontrolled excitement for the gifts. Gifts of family and really good food. We would travel together and listen to Christmas music, mom loves it. She also gave us the love of the grinch. cindy lou who. I have a sense of alone today. 

I am going to face my fears. One at a time. Some days several at a time.  I need to converse more. Perhaps take it as far as being social... I've become so accustomed and content with my own company.  I can spend hours... Even days alone. It's not the happiest times. But at least I'm free from other people's needs and wants. 

"You might find more comfort in the people you left behind." Marie - the critters

For now I'm searching for comfort in the familiar. Familiar sounds, feelings, voices. The rhythm of a song... a lyric. Anything. I'm grabbing everything I can. 

Quietly resting and hiding away. I just can't see what I am so upset about. I'm just not confident in myself. I haven't satisfaction anymore. Selfish. 

I'm just guarded and reserved. Perhaps others should protect themselves better, save themselves the exhaustion of people constantly taking.

So today I pray for happiness. I pray for the sheer joy of achieving my goal. Merry Christmas to myself. I moved to California to make a new life. Away from everything I absolutely love. All of it. I have a busy year ahead of me. But once I figure it out here... I can be both places. Pain is only temporary. 

Love letters

The unusual display of affection. Words are an art form of them selves. They are the side door to the soul.. The intimacy of a written letter. I dream of getting a love letter.. That piece of something that means someone has time for you.  Time to sit down and create feelings with hand written blurbs from the heart.  No eraser, no spell check. If done in pen... Permanent. Actually I use letters a lot, it helps me get my feelings out... It's not always the best idea.

I'm going to give old romance a chance.  It's worth a try, I need some passion  soon.  She said it was on his list.

Today was beautiful.  Breakfast first with a lovely lady... Some browsing in Mission San Fran. The fabric store inspired me... I remembered how I used to sew all of my dolls clothes... And after seeing Diane Von Furstenburgs watercolor clothes sketches... I'm going to make my own French girl dresses... French girl with a modern east/west coast flair. To stand out, yet blend in.  

I love our phone conversations.. It's a feeling I haven't had in awhile.  Just hearing his voice brings a smile to my life.  He sang me songs and reassured my doubts.  I miss him, I miss our time.  Soon though I believe we will be together, that is a thing I've wanted for some time.  I think we know already that we will coexist well, we've already tested the water. For now it's cool to the touch.  He knows me well... I think he misses me too.  It's quite a feeling to know you are loved, I hope I can return the favor. 

the i love you story.

the day of birth twenty five years ago.  on this day i ate brunch with brilliance... nothing like the refreshing cucumber.
      he kissed the top of my head.. fresh water.  a breath of fresh air.  the running water... the brass monkey in the wild.  it's a simple concept really.  the reality of love is here... the empire.  i guess it's what these days are about.  "soul searching".  the unexpected is the theme.  the positive help is the support.  when i say i love you.. i mean it.  everyone deserves that love. we need it.  it's something that will allow us to discover a new self.  a new place where we will solve the problems of the world.  for now..... the ninja turtles rule.

“The contour of the body is extremely subtle, difficult to describe accurately, and quite fascinatingly beautiful. When the contour is sensitively handled, it can stand alone, like a violin solo.”