Silver lining.

"Dreams burn, but in ashes are gold." Kings of convenience 24-25 

The lighting reminds me of a cloudy winter day at home, except its even more familiar than that. The ocean breeze is cool and takes me back years. To the days with the Russian girls, the cool breeze of summers end. I can feel the crisp newness of Puerto Rico, the 10th floor facing the Atlantic. It reminded me of California before I knew... All the memories flood together and instantly create the mood... The heavenly. I love lonely quiet days.. The soundtrack was brilliant, I learned a lot. 

Time to catch up with loved ones and reevaluate the present.. All I know is history, thank God. So I use my imagination, breathing the air that is mine. The life I came to conquer. "Home will always be there.." Right where I left off... Which in actuality is a tricky spot, best forgotten with time. 

The harmonious  voices & calm acoustics give me breathing room. I need a bit of piano.... 

I can feel the thoughts, careful not to have a complex... But the reassuring text have come right on cue. They help me remember that people believe in me. Believe in the curiosity that I strive to have everyday. Not everyone can... I was given the gift. I need to share. 

The ones who relate to me best are stunning, well put together souls that float around with dazzling feathers. I suppose they have veil like energy as well, I don't see why it would be any different with them. The further away... The more I see the love I have left behind.

"Will I ever feel better?"what is getting me now. Just me. Please don't get bored now... The fight I have with myself all days. 

Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:16 KJV)

Bravely done.

Everything seems late.  I haven't had much connection. So progress slowed down. I had to escape from the heavy weight of what was holding me back. The fear of being alone. 

Never let me go. -Florence and the machine. 

 And the arms of the ocean are carrying me

And all this devotion was rushing out of me

In the crushes of heaven for a sinner like me

But the arms of the ocean delivered me

Though the pressure's hard to take

It's the only way I can escape

It seems a heavy choice to make

And now I am under all

 I smile because today is beautiful. I noticed that alone is what I missed that most. I just needed the time to hear silence and not have someone ...  

When the sounds end.. The ocean continues.  I am never alone. The sea is always calling, the breeze dancing. 

 I need to have more faith in humans. We all have our issues. In a model of corrupt.. Our country was based on rebellion and most important, freedom... now no one is free, we are constantly monitored and controlled by a higher power.  They have us locked into what seems like an undeniably failing project.

So how does something so filthy change?  

I can only guess a crisis of compassion.  We've lost love and the passion for living. I look at the faces to see only blank stares. Very emotionless human bodies floating.

Where'd you come from... Where are you going? - the critters

                                                                                                   Visions of light 

"I'm amazed by your visions of light... When Jesus comes back I'll be alright".

I can't stop now. I was quickly reminded of what I'm working towards. It only took a listen and now I remember. I can't stop thinking of the possibility. Even though it is all just a silly dream. But without dreams ... Then why breathe? "Eyes are broken" I wish mine were some days... Then I would never know the details of the small things. The things that exists and are free... "Your rock and roll style is so charming... Why do you care?"  Nothing is free.  It requires a lot of time. Energy. Effort. Ease... Of a broken heart.  The past few weeks I suppose I've been a bit 'bland', the heart did this to me.  I am so far away now... Even the postal service is dragging out the irony of what could possibly be a pointless endeavor. .... When you wish upon a star. 

i will follow you into the dark

                       - death cab for cutie

       leaves (2002) -    leaves fall to the ground like tears
                       covering the grass
                       a naked tree stands alone.

the last night in my bed at home.  this place is full of memories... the fun times with my family.  the late night music sessions... the alone time, paintings... the loudest music.  i found myself here in this place.  lucky for me my father built me a beach house instead of a tree house.  he feeds the birds... i loved hearing them in the mornings.  the late nights and struggles to get to work on time.  the responsibility of living alone... i was a young twenty with a real job. plus two other jobs...  late nights and early mornings.    i'm so thankful i could get to work by the oceanside road.  i am happy for the wonderful time, but a world awaits me.  this one was ever so perfect.

Oh I wanna dance with somebody,
I wanna feel the heat.
Yeah I wanna dance with somebody,
With somebody who loves me.
Somebody who loves me,
To hold me in his arms.
I need a man who'll take a chance,
On a love that burns hot enough to last.
So when the night falls,
My lonely heart calls.
dance with somebody - whitney houston

so i have a blank canvas now.  i am the artist standing there... still for awhile.  waiting for the spell to be cast... the spell that causes all my paint to spill & create the shapes and designs that i fall in love with.  artwork worth the time.  that changes perspective. that alter egos... that is remembered.  the brilliance of  being an artist.  it eventually will consume your life.  it's a chance you take, but once you are in... you are in for life.  i'm diving deep for this challenge.  you only get one life... i'm not the type to play it safe.  

i want more.  i need more at this point in my life.  twenty five years later and i'm her.  i'm who i pretended to be all along.  i created her as a child.  now i stand in front of a mirror and stare.  she is... me?  i love her.  i'm absolutely in love with her.  so now i must go... she must see the world.  share the love that is possible for all of us.  i'll meet my dark side soon enough.  for now i'll get a good night's sleep in my california king.  i'll dream of my king one last night here on the island.  then to higher ground.  from sea to mountains. i will follow you.