The new year. West Hollywood.

The strangest terms come from the moments you can't plan. The one chance you get to take a wild card. I'm thankful mine usually happen either all or nothing. The two extremes is how I live. Stories you never repeat because 'they' wouldn't believe you anyway. I mean how could they? It doesn't make sense.

Knowing the most beautiful of your times will never be captured is hard to understand. It's hard to accept. It frustrates me that the ray of light will eventually go dark and I will have no where to look to find it again. Lost in the memories of strangers. The ones who don't remember either. 

The stance I balanced on was that of a starlet, yet I'm just an east coast island girl. Something of a spectacle, they are fascinated with me. As if I'm some 'real' that know one knows or sees... They can't understand. Not of this world, I have left my old self to move forward and see the obstacles. I see clarity & pray. Giving myself to the one who created me, to give me only that I can handle. He knows my limit. I do not.. I push around limits. 

Sometimes you fall. I fell forward into a garden of confusion. Losing control only for a few hours.. Losing a friend. I think I sacrificed too much for nothing. I do not regret... So learn that life is precious and I need to better protect my health. And body. This creature that I have so delicately helped mold... It is not for others anymore. Only for me. The mouth rape was enough, he'd swept me away forever... Had he the choice. I'm already taken. And I am evil otherwise. It's a trait about me... That is my savior and destroyer. 

The beginning is just over the horizon. We hiked eight miles in solstice canyon ... Seeing the sun set over the ocean through the rolling green hills. Not something I could find at home. The fire destroyed their lives... Their homes were burned away... Leaving only brick structures and retro ovens. Large kitchens and fire places that survived the flames. Ruins of years ago.. I pictured the models in modern French dresses and big textured hair. I'm not sure what to do with the men though... The shoot will show the end of an era. The era where women are less... domestic.  We are the brilliance that is what will save us. History shows it, proves it. Every soul craves the feminine power, the beauty she possess. Men want it. Women want it. Creatures all alike want this 'beauty' so much that it gives power to those... Certain humans. I pray mine doesn't go to waste. Lord please forgive me. I cry out to you. 

How I repeatedly survive situations leads me to believe that I am meant for life. The sound of music saves me and this new year began in a land of creative forces. The people that I must emerge myself in to create the works of art I know I'm meant to create. 

Early on I began creating. I created clothes. Houses.. Worlds... Barbie bands, that were always on tour. Books ... Games. Being raised in a secluded land left me plenty of imaginative time. Mother let us be. She enabled us to be one of a kind. She is the definition of a mother. She created stunning women. Three of them. Each of is a blessing in disguise. We just haven't a clue how to use our gifts yet. I'm only in the very early stages now. I had to give up everything... My past... to have this moment. This life... 

At four am... I sit Indian style in a chair. The 'not yet released' insight doll baby dress... The leather leggings... The black pumps.. And a head of unreasonable curls.... I laugh in a room full of men. "Lets start a revolution. I know I'm a part of it." I think I've known all along. Film. That's how you capture life... That's how you alter the real. Taking out the parts that you don't want to remember. I've made plenty to know. I wrote and directed films as a child. Starring... My sisters and friends. Of course you chose your friends. They are the ones with passion behind their work.. They have a reason. So the empire of friends continues to grow. 

My feelings haven't changed. They sit right where they left off. In the midst of all my life changes.. I still want to lay with him. Like a cat... Snuggling in a sleep so angelic that you'd think  it could last forever. So peaceful that it reassures you ...while together the world will not take our life away. 

Sugar.

The chemicals are equivalent to that of pleasure. The surge of happiness that fills your insides and graces you with more energy. Move drive, more power. I tasted syrup today. The sharp edges of crystallized honey seeping off the pacific coastline. The sunset was that of a mirage, thick teal gray clusters that blended into the horizon, creating a glass like image. The power of the waves crashing, smoothed rocks and tangled your hair.  Cloud cover played cotton candy colors along the shore. That sight was memorable, possibly forever. If you think back a year it will give you a clue. I was childishly dreaming  of where I am today.  With an exception of course... I took a path that was yet uncovered and I couldn't imagine a thing. Now I am laying here in an west coast oceanside  mountain cabin... Last year I was in an east side oceanfront house with what I imagined as my future husband. The good thing about life is ... You don't always get what you wish for.

12.16.12

last day.

the instance when all the space is occupied with flesh, not one inch went to waste.  it was a good feeling to be one with another... the skin of our numb bodies together in an action of sorts.  i'm not sure where we were going with this.. but the feeling was priceless.
all the songs added together... unfortunately i was being strange and don't remember any of them.  i also was so distracted that my black tank and leather leggings were the least of my worries.  instead i traveled around with the fur and sound... writing poems on the kitchen floor.  at three am ... offers bounds of inspiration.  too bad all feelings hurt.. even the tears are like needles that stab deep into the soul.  i'm just no longer even interested in looking at other souls.  for no one... the dress up game is for you.  the mystery of material.  the love source of alittle lace... the instance when you realize that the bra you decided to wear is just a bit uncomfortable and a few scars will never stop you...

(excerpt from the lingerie diary)

sly fox.

the thing about three am
you never know what will happen
in a land of darkness
and lost streets.
miike snow made an appearance
it was two steps away from
the light that led me away...
the furthest from a clear stance.
infatuation is a more relevant description of life on the high land.
if u could see the eyes
i would.. then quickly press pause
to rest.  its a stunning moment to
realize the unrealistic.  today was a breath of fresh air.. the second day when the white flare is too much and
really just the thought of him & water
is enough. two in the morning doesnt seem that far away... i dont want to deal with it... its something when just "one song"
is enough to hold me down.

cigs.

the beauty of it all is the innocence.  sex isn't everything.  as a matter of fact...it's the ugly side of intimacy.  the moment when you have given too much of yourself... you are exhausted and it just doesn't feel good anymore.  the thing is... it's so childish.  everything feels so good with him.  laying with him feels nice... our bodies fit together well.  i wish that i didn't need to be so out of it to fit with him... i'm just a strange creature these days.  it hurts he doesn't understand what he does to me.  nonchalant.  the charm in the simple matters.  it is what it is really... a simple young longing.  the chemicals do good for my body.  they help keep me inspired, keep me alive.  keep me needing more.... thank you.

i will follow you into the dark

                       - death cab for cutie

       leaves (2002) -    leaves fall to the ground like tears
                       covering the grass
                       a naked tree stands alone.

the last night in my bed at home.  this place is full of memories... the fun times with my family.  the late night music sessions... the alone time, paintings... the loudest music.  i found myself here in this place.  lucky for me my father built me a beach house instead of a tree house.  he feeds the birds... i loved hearing them in the mornings.  the late nights and struggles to get to work on time.  the responsibility of living alone... i was a young twenty with a real job. plus two other jobs...  late nights and early mornings.    i'm so thankful i could get to work by the oceanside road.  i am happy for the wonderful time, but a world awaits me.  this one was ever so perfect.

Oh I wanna dance with somebody,
I wanna feel the heat.
Yeah I wanna dance with somebody,
With somebody who loves me.
Somebody who loves me,
To hold me in his arms.
I need a man who'll take a chance,
On a love that burns hot enough to last.
So when the night falls,
My lonely heart calls.
dance with somebody - whitney houston

so i have a blank canvas now.  i am the artist standing there... still for awhile.  waiting for the spell to be cast... the spell that causes all my paint to spill & create the shapes and designs that i fall in love with.  artwork worth the time.  that changes perspective. that alter egos... that is remembered.  the brilliance of  being an artist.  it eventually will consume your life.  it's a chance you take, but once you are in... you are in for life.  i'm diving deep for this challenge.  you only get one life... i'm not the type to play it safe.  

i want more.  i need more at this point in my life.  twenty five years later and i'm her.  i'm who i pretended to be all along.  i created her as a child.  now i stand in front of a mirror and stare.  she is... me?  i love her.  i'm absolutely in love with her.  so now i must go... she must see the world.  share the love that is possible for all of us.  i'll meet my dark side soon enough.  for now i'll get a good night's sleep in my california king.  i'll dream of my king one last night here on the island.  then to higher ground.  from sea to mountains. i will follow you.