12.31.13

the first few minutes of the last day of the year. the symbolism is extravagant and well worth the wait.

i remember scribbling this date down on a napkin a year ago at a coffee shop in california... now i lay here in the mountain side of Carolina. this day is to be of something... extraordinary.

the vision sisters inspired me to keep pushing, to keep pressing forward in my restless contentment. the desire for a mentor has been met and i may even have a few flames to add to the division of cells. to put yourself out there is a reckless chore; but one that stammers: proceed with caution.
so my word for the year?
PERSISTENCE

as for my attire? i believe i will be wearing all black; always all black. and a bowtie to match. if i could be anymore invisible...

broadway.

it has been the trip of a... lifetime. so here i am, back in my west side east side party... life in a carolina mountain town. the distance is always to my advantage and i see now that timing and ryhthym are the key to survival. i understand now, now that everyone has their personal... saga.

 my to be continued life is just a lyrical performance of the expected. i realize that only one minute of seeing him is enough to bring me into the realm of distortion.. and i am merely a beautiful distraction. i'll take all the insults as compliments to harness the new energy that is my perception of the future. i already control the space and the stars... "just use me as your science experiment."

holiday.

the insight from my east coast life style.
the pause to push play and keep the momentum rolling forward.
we all must take the time to gain the strength and support
from friends and family.
is it true that the love of my life is only a few days away.
twenty thousand fourteen is calling all of us
for a big surprise.

anthracite.

awake at five in the morning... coloring my hair.
like a fix
just like a fix...

friday the 13th. was one of my favorite days
wearing all black for the occasion
spending intimate moments
together. we start to show more
affection.

the tills went viral on the internet
holy rollers
asheville was featured
in nylon magazine.

oh... and i had front row seats
to a listening party of all the new
music of tomorrow.
i know
i already know.
musicians sharing and spilling their
soul in a rough draft of sensual
sexy electric guitar
and percussion.

i never put much thought into percussion
until i met sir.sierra
but now i see that his job
is to keep perfect time.

he has impeccable timing.

music & women.

laws of attraction will bring us back
to the reality of all that
matters is... music.
if i am not caught up in the distraction
of boys... i am chasing music.

seeking sound to gather a high
to make me see visions of
my future with .... both.

this brings me back to sex appeal
instinct to mate
companionship
support
challenge and desire.

i want to make love
i want to make music


it is now or never. i have almost been broken of fear.
is it odd that self inflicted pain is helping ease the tension...

acid tears.

as soon as you become to feel comfortable... that is when the rug is pulled from under your feet. just as the table setting begins to look as you imagined... it is all displaced.
maybe our universe is just a projection.
see where i am going with this?
i am talking crazy.
i have gone mad.
i called out of work today because i couldn't even work up enough energy to get there.
we woke up in tousled mess of arms and legs
maybe we took it too far.
he doesn't plan to stay over
but he never leaves.
we cuddle too well... it is nauseating.

we are making each other
physically
mentally
spiritually
sick.

the knife was placed in my stomach
and he twisted it...
"i might not be here when you get back..."
i already knew this.

until then... the poison continues to run through our veins.

gee golly.

one week.
is it bad that i want to stay here? i want to be in california so i can spend time with all the things that i have built. but instead this season i will be at home. falling in love all over again with the idea that life is a roller coaster and with each moment i have a new thought.

he keeps wanting to follow me home
today he shared a few feelings with me
a few songs
i shared
a few poems.

he gave me money for the market
then i left him there
he met me here
i kissed him there
he told me goodbye
i'll fly to the east
and it will never be the same.

dare i say it?
"you went rock & roll and forgot me".  -the tills.

Caught me.

In the intricate silk fibers

Are hidden strengths that bend

Ever so slightly... With effort

And ease. Skipping from thread

To thread in a delicate fashion

As to connect each individual 

Strand to the next with

Structure. Creating the repetitive

Motions that pulse our soul

Touching the nimble legs upon

A lovers chest as you become 

Tangled in the essence. 

Trapped and tricked into

The invisible death bed that 

Is the look into a mirror.

Shaken until panic sets in with

The reality that life is indeed 

Caught up in this mirage of

Love... Graven images and false

Idols once more consume

Our precious time.

Slowly and painlessly the 

Creator comes to claim their

Feast. 

sunday...bloody sunday.

here i am on the first after the saturday effect & chaos... alone.
here i am just as i was before
just as i will always be.

so i gain another perspective.
he always has the timing of say...
an angel.

i mix up the bag of tricks
and take a tip from the man himself
becoming slightly elusive.

pulling myself in two directions
perfectly balanced... hell and
heaven call my name at once.

i have light to spread
i promise i do
and now i understand the term "die young".

this day & age of touch technology
it touches back
and opens all the seized doors.

this day i'll live a parallel version
a day in the life of ...
my san francisco lover.

do not bore of this place just yet
accepting the space
you have been blessed with. amen.

if audrey hepburn was a rockstar... well then, a dj told me so.
the faint memory of hours of the realistic scratches on the record.
it was all a lust procreation of ... summer sweat.
i liked the music.
the perfect order of sounds arranged by a beautiful soul.
he was trapped in a smokey essence of genuine love.
i liked that he was across the street...
so we could ride the nights and hear good music.
he introduced me to a new outlet of music unknown.
unheard of
you heard it here first.
the sweaty nights and good days full of beautiful...
brides.
their love filled a room and gave me the
four squares
seem to exist.
it did exist.
she still does it... just the same.
hm.

lets hear a live sound. lets hear it.

#enjoy #weird.

something different to elevate the size and shape of the matter.
letters in the mail from san francisco. she drew a maze and the respective shapes, outlets & dead ends, seized to move and travel... gathering all the clues.
boxes of love & sex.

she can't get in.
the flooding of courage,
outrage.
to become?



so i think about this and how i have become so overly consumed with myself that it is sickening. but that is the name of the game. single in the whirl wind of technology.
so i scream in rage and anger, tearing down the pictures on the walls.
he will never see me the same way again.
i've never seen her.
but i've heard she's insane.

188.

"as an artist in this generation. 

who says i know anything about art. no… i do not know much about the history of it, but i live it… breathe it and portray it.

i think it had much to do with my childhood and always being outdoors, always having the time and energy… and resources to create things. i could see how nature worked and the life and death… all the colors. i made all the actualities up in my head so here i am… on an earth that doesn't even exist in my mind. 

oh lord. 

i remember how much i disliked structure and anything that is remotely routine. i like to mix it up and fear the same feeling. i would rather not be surrounded by the same people everyday, as a matter of fact… i'd rather be alone.

that is how i felt about having to go to church all the time… but now i see why i didn't like it, it wasn't the belief or the word. it was the walls that always seem to hold me in… hold me back. but i remember as a child always having some tight connection with my interior voice that shows me things i will and am supposed to be… pursuing."

excerpt from 500 days of LA 

consistently inconsistent.

the lesson of the day... too many to count.
here i reside in my lovely setting
accomplishing what i see as .. nothing.
i rather bore myself.
tears fall from the keys of the piano
as i sit cross legged on the floor and weep.
begging for mercy and forgiveness.
i know nothing.

all of it bores me.
i have no passion.
i long to sleep... away this present moment.

is that true? is that truly how i feel? i have no idea what happened.
i just know that i am usually not present for the most intense part.
so why should anyone care? why should anyone have interest in what i have to say?

asking asking asking asking.
ask in the name of the lord and you shall receive.

a small spider crept up... moving steadily along the black and white landscape.
a sign. creativity & balance. keep pushing through.