Monday, April 29, 2013


and god speaks to u. 
rihanna's song stay comes on the radio...
reminds me of her.  
(around and around we go)

my ride to work was...
(its takes me all the way) 
violin.... im losing it. 
like sand through my fingers, but i know that to the very last drop i will feel. 
(it takes me all the way) 

the reason i hold on.
tupper called last night, the last person i expected to hear from and i am so.... 
helps take me home to the island. 

you are the one. -shiney toy guns

keeps me in the present while reminding me of the past.
i cant even understand how many times this song gets me through.... times of good and lovelier. 

so many ideas, so many chances. i need to be aware and pay attention. challenge accepted. i am here on a mission and need to learn the lesson of excepting the reality that i do not choose who i can help. 

let this day begin. 

Saturday, April 27, 2013


The Cheshire Cat in neon lights smiles from the beach city corner. Painted on the walls and scribbled in chalk is the nonsense on the bathroom stalls. I'm over stimulated with a sense of home; the dimly lit dive bar speaks to me in my native language. It's the hyper energy on stage.. Jumping around to the sound of his own drum. I dream to book a show here on day. The madness of the hat I choose to...where the sanity ends and begins with just a vision of my future. Each day is topping the next one with cherries and sprinkles on top.. Of a magical world I seemed to manifest. A full moon rises over the sea.. Only a month ago I was laying beside my cat-like companion.. As we pinched each others flesh like friendly felines.. Testing out the water.. Tepid is our outcome of what was and what is to be. 


the production of a sense impression relating to one sense or part of the body by stimulation of another sense or part of the body

down a dirt road in the hills of california, a few angels gathered together to make music video. someone has to share the light. call time was early, it was nice to experience the streets of LA actually empty. will joked that this would be the best time to film an apocalyptic movie. something to think about so early in the morning.

we arrived on set and it was unreal until the end. the hours of the day were perfect. each girl was beautiful, the setting was ideal... all the talent & beauty inspired me. i met a few intriguing souls today. 

i rearranged my thoughts later in the day and realized that i needed to be even more interested. the quiet nature of myself that i reserve all my thoughts and self even... wishful thinking; i wish for them to seek me.

it is only natural that the high would continue into union station, looking around i could see the history. i could see the love and time that went into designing the building... the character... the leather chairs. 
it required a bit of assistance to figure everything out, but now i am more experienced. now i understand.

rogue... music... start a revolution... be something that you can be, if only you could say just alittle more. 

i know this sensation. they say it is rare to find... that explains the usual. 

Thursday, April 25, 2013

michael levine, inc.

today would describe happy. i was able to frock lick through fields of fabric... the time spins faster when you are constantly creating in your brain. all of my favorite things today... even resting my eyes for a cat nap, the best afternoon remedy.

a class to remember in the lovely little studio. she was a bright soul, twice my wisdom... i could feel the quirks & loved the support. sometimes i just need others to recognize my ... strength. the rain drops fell for only a few minutes, dancing like marbles on a tin roof... as we rested our; thoughts need a moment to rest. i have the most amazing..
chances are the music will change me. i turned around and biked back to the corner coffee shop for some musical healing. chances are... a green tea latte & a ukulele will change your perspective.

she sang a song i remember, i think she wrote it for him. the same him that i long for too... then he reminded me of a boy down the street, his voice was kind & sad... you could tell he had a few "feelings". his entourage was impressive. all these talented souls dwelling together to sing a ...

sense of unity.
i met liz tonight.

things are about to be quite... different.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

“Style is the answer to everything.
A fresh way to approach a dull or dangerous thing
To do a dull thing with style is preferable to doing a dangerous thing without it
To do a dangerous thing with style is what I call art

Bullfighting can be an art
Boxing can be an art
Loving can be an art
Opening a can of sardines can be an art

Not many have style
Not many can keep style
I have seen dogs with more style than men,
although not many dogs have style.
Cats have it with abundance.

When Hemingway put his brains to the wall with a shotgun,
that was style.
Or sometimes people give you style
Joan of Arc had style
John the Baptist
GarcĂ­a Lorca.

I have met men in jail with style.
I have met more men in jail with style than men out of jail.
Style is the difference, a way of doing, a way of being done.
Six herons standing quietly in a pool of water,
or you, naked, walking out of the bathroom without seeing me.”
 Charles Bukowski

Monday, April 22, 2013

how can I serve you?

I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living. I believed, therefore have I spoken: I was greatly afflicted: I said in my haste, All men are liars. What shall I render unto the Lord for all his benefits toward me? I will take the cup of salvation, and call upon the name of the Lord. I will pay my vows unto the Lord now in the presence of all his people. (Psalms 116:9-14 KJV)

In God I will praise his word, in God I have put my trust; I will not fear what flesh can do unto me. For thou hast delivered my soul from death: wilt not thou deliver my feet from falling, that I may walk before God in the light of the living? (Psalms 56:4, 13 KJV)

"Those evil soulless harpies... Out of all the things you miss, you miss female comradery?"
 Yes. I miss it so much it hurts, and I can't find anything that will ease the pain. Digging my nails in the flesh and trying to form the word... grace. Is hard to do. But the joy I used to feel is what has to fill me. The past spirit is still holding me down... This wind is getting strong;  I'm relying on only a few nails to hold me here.  

Sunday, April 21, 2013

When things are no longer just for you... Does that cause them to be less sufficient? Or does it put you on the spot? 

What is the direction? no one knows the day. no one understands the purpose. I am just not seeing the big picture here.
Sometimes the phone rings.. Answering some of the questions for you. The loose control that we do have... Is just enough. Any more and the reins would pull us into a mess of tangled cords. 

The line is clear. Looking forward to the present; take sips of the past... But her good legs are fading. Puts a bit of a time frame on the situation. 

"I'm on a mission from God. 'In the name of The Lord...' murdering the undesirables." --London (not to be read out of context here; those who are evil shall be destroyed)

But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you. (1 Peter 5:10 KJV)

Saturday, April 20, 2013


As well the singers as the players on instruments shall be there: all my springs are in thee. (Psalms 87:7 KJV)

Boast not thyself of to morrow; for thou knowest not what a day may bring forth. Let another man praise thee, and not thine own mouth; a stranger, and not thine own lips. (Proverbs 27:1, 2 KJV)

Hell and destruction are never full; so the eyes of man are never satisfied. (Proverbs 27:20 KJV)

Sing to me the blues. Sing to me.. Spending the evening falling asleep to their music. If it didn't get under my skin, then it wouldn't exist. You can't be invisible and expect people to "know you". 

I have a new vision of light. I saw it all transform, having the whys forces you to figure the hows. I can see it now... As long as there is a piano in the room, we will all survive. Reality is a harsh world, but your imagination isn't  nearly as.. Detailed. 

december 19 2012

im exhausted now
the vacation is over
the trip was
& i am blessed
but now i am where
i dreamed i'd
always be...
so i want to stay
i need to stop to see
the focus
that i have lost.
i lost her... just a
few pieces, but
gone. i'll get a
few pieces back...
soon enough
but its time
to believe that
everything will
work out...
im exactly where i am supposed to be.

Friday, April 19, 2013

what a drag.

this day was a continuum of nothingness. i didn't achieve much. i didn't accomplish...
i feel like returning to my place. a place of endearment that i once took for granted. i am ready to go home now. i miss everything about... april & may. i miss the first... the last.
i am still so young, i still have this to accomplish. i broke all the rules to get here.
i gave up every secure second...  i am beginning to fade away.
soon they will all forget me, and i'll be just a tiny newt that is swimming amongst the school of phish. fuck that. i am fed up with the day... a cello & piano songs help to ease my anger... some pencil & paper.

wasting time. I'm so angry.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Tennessee. The startling realization that hipster hillbillies are where our world is ...
Returning to. Who came from the southern roots of real life.
Blessed are those who... Play the game well.
Tempt me with those golden gates... I'll endure this shadow for a little longer...
Questioning why am i so hell bound on staying here
Holding onto the innocence of something... Might just
Be around the corner.

So close to home.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013


this guy. his pictures are outstandishly...bizarre.  i had to look for the very last drop, one hundred and fourteen weeks ago, the first one. i was having a cup of coffee, beginning a brand new chapter of my life... surrendering myself to the sea and sailor lifestyle. he captured my imagination perfectly. maybe one day he will be able to capture this girl in a photograph.

euphoria : a feeling of great happiness or well being.

describes today. i am happy here. funny how on a good day... another four hundred days just doesn't seem like enough time.

do not second guess. angels & demons are one in the same. he knows what he is doing. i have to trust that...

                                    love is not a victory march.


Tuesday, April 16, 2013

say it like you mean it

"I'm usually the one that says to wait...
I'm flattered. But I want to live in the moment."

"Funny how patience and seizing the moment contradict so.. Wildy."

"I want you now. I really like the sense of being with you.
Some girls don't even smell right... "

He said to try and let something happen. 
I said the world ends when I lay with... Others.

(The next morning)

"See.. The world did not end."

"Give it time."

He is gone. 

"will you share the burden with me"

he asks urgently. this place holds us still for awhile, but it was so we could be... together. sitting still for too many hours to count less are the days we just... were there. the words lost their way and created 'our' world. our very own world of gypsy circus nonsense.

i must pace myself for this. patience, because once things become... famous. i'll have wished to be just sitting still and being. of being in my lonely room, listening to "should have" by the cold nothings and day dreaming.

i always knew, i'd follow you.. and know that it is this much better. 
its been months since i've seen your face, how are ... have you been well?
did you miss me at all?

changing all the rules to suit my weird mood. caffeine is a drug.

today the crazy hopeless americans blew up the finish line at a race in boston. it hits close to home... the people are rushing around and trying to figure something out. i just can't see how any of this means a thing... it means everything. humans are mean.

Monday, April 15, 2013

somewhere along the pacific coast highway.

plastered walls
prevent us from each other
creating a block
of sturdy pavement
along the cliffside
and around our hearts.
we can't find a reason
to give every breath
away to a stranger
to life naked alone
and in a stream of threads
that we consider love.
so far to fathom any future
because the road was
never constructed
now the past is over
grown with twisted
grass & other
chaos that is mother
she knows the fate of
our destruction
the power that she

december 16 2012

Sunday, April 14, 2013


My soul is among lions: and I lie even among them that are set on fire, even the sons of men, whose teeth are spears and arrows, and their tongue a sharp sword. (Psalms 57:4 KJV)

"They just don't make them like they used to." --IT

The early morning brought my love to my door. We started on hair and make.up early... It was nice to curl hair and have coffee in the comfort of my room. 
The shoot is on the Queen Mary.. The old world cruise for english royalty in the thirties. It was the most beautiful setting for two old souls who became one... A few years ago. 

The scene was somewhere I have been before. I remember the cream colored walls and the dark floors.. It's only when I recognize these 'moments' that I stop and breathe, knowing my timing is exact.

I am so very blessed. My tired body, legs and feet beg me to slow down... Maybe even stop. But my fiery soul lingers.. The energy doesn't cease to amaze me... and the fight continues. 

Saturday, April 13, 2013


to go.. or not to go. that is the question.

its possible that this temptation is the ... dark intention. i couldnt say, either way.. the choice is mine.
beware of the hidden paths that go beyond... what you know.

to hold the responsibility of the key is a mystical thing. eventually my mind will be able to control...

time to go, saturday night sushi. five minutes.

Simon says: part II

He said to look not look down.

He said to practice as if it's your first time..
Leave all the bad habits behind. 

He said to push harder, but learn to fight through the pain with your breath. 

I was covered in sweat, my legs burning.. They felt numb.
But from now on... Things will be easier. Simon says. 

dream alittle dream of me...

he keeps showing up in my
this time i had to make a decision...
would i go to yoga class?
or would i see him perform?

i think we know the answer here.

it was at a place that i don't know...
somewhere i'm sure i haven't seen in this life.
there weren't many people there... the
show was almost over.
but i caught a few minutes of it.
i think i was even able to speak to him.

what am i doing?

what is he doing?
what are we doing?

im so very far away.

thank goodness for dreams
to comfort me.

Friday, April 12, 2013


in los angeles...

anything can happen. within only one second, the entire world can change.
she sat in my chair this morning with a vision, we met eyes.. and i could see. our interests crashed into each other and before we knew it... we had brought one another to tears.
she was intrigued with my story, i was curious with hers.
something about this girl.
something about her smile.
the chemicals took awhile to process.
in the mean time... i showed her a song. the voice of a soul long gone.
him... she was immediately in love. we all are.
he knows this. he depends on this. some people are just meant to be stars.

some just sit back and wait for others to follow. that is me. waiting patiently for those to "find" me.
they soon will find that indeed i know the answer. i don't know why... or how i know. but something inside of me... leads the way.

he is a strong force in my life. placing pieces along the way... it's up to me to take notice, to take ahold of these pawns.

i think i'm doing well for how far i've come. at age twenty.five... i'm leaps & bounds ahead of the rest.
i give it up to faith.

Thursday, April 11, 2013


having my sister visit from the east coast makes me feel sound here. im actually reevaluating going home next week... funny how quickly our choices change. i don't really have that choice, but i was using it as a security.. a comfort that i could grab onto and hopefully help ease my longing.

now the tide has come in. the time is sideways and the sand... has shifted. i have made this my make-shift home. its a temporary pile of sticks on the beach, just waiting for the storm to blow in.
the wind usually makes a mess of the coast, but for now the calm seas allow me to see for miles...

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

why do people keep asking me if i am
the devil?
why?  i have met him. but
why do angels resemble...
the darkest side.
god doesn't want us?
he made us.
he wants every single
cell of me.
that's the beauty of love
the darkest demon...
he made.
he has a twisted
part. the shadow
that says...

Monday, April 8, 2013

Play me with the passion of your favorite song, over and over... Like its your first time. Every time. 

I beg of you. 

They already know too much. It's hard to keep a secret. 
Wrapping their eyes around what they perceive me to be? 
I've already left... Something changed as you were watching.

I pray a  prayer today. One that begs for mercy. Please stop this train, just for a second so I jump. Off to the next place... In my mind. 

The meaning is much more. My soul is trapped in a doll's body, meant to play dress up from the past. I once sat in a castle, with a cup of tea and a puma by my side. Answering the tough questions... Plotting our moves. This woman has now returned as a girl. A small girl in a vortex of spinning waters. Called modern day California. 

And he said unto them, This is my blood of the new testament, which is shed for many. (Mark 14:24 KJV)
"you must have the devil in you to succeed in any of the arts" - voltaire

this day the illusion of everything being okay was reasoned with most likely not at all. 
i like that i have put a number on the show. it is what i need.
i am bored now. as i will be mixing things up soon. trying to move in a zig-zag pattern to change the scene.
i miss home.
so much that it seems it doesn't exist. all of my friends are together on this island, the one where i want to be. but that is not for me. god pushed it thousands of miles away for a reason. i had my fair share. 

Sunday, April 7, 2013


keep working hard, finish your novel & find, thru knowledge, strength in solitude instead of despair.

Excerpt from 'the great sex letter' 
N.L. Cassady

I don't think he is my only one. Scattering the glitter on my chest. Take notice of this charm, I hold you close to my heart. I know you long for another... We both posses the power of ... Obsession. It only takes a second to take control. One subtle mark... 

It's intriguing that famous artist of the past were 'sexually curious'. When one is with their own 'kind' you understand a different perspective because you are indeed alike. More of a companion of sorts. I blend well with females, I was raised surrounded by them.  A house of sisters, beautiful women who were confident in their art and independence...
what happens when you can predict the future?

three... four times later and i'm questioning, nothing. obviously i was in the exact moment in time that i belonged. when all the angles collide to make a lovely evening. a day that i can withstand to create in my mind. a reoccurring band... that cycles through my seasons.

its a matter of playing the game. taking a chance and actually engaging yourself with another soul. seeing the symbol of... compassion. mixed with bits of passion that will not stand up to the test of time. oh no... it will wither away just as the flowers of spring... fall from the trees. but a constant of green will appear and stay awhile. its the foundation we have built... we can stand on.

my mind is busy and exhausted with too many realizations. arrows like bread crumbs are leading me home. that chaos is just over the edge. finishing my days here will be a slow burn... of pain. the kind that will lead me to my blissful future.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Joy division.

She came to me in a dream and explained a few.. details. I am not sure the exacts of the encounter, but she told me that my beauty is timeless. I will relate to all walks of life for my entire life. I remind 'those' of the ... dead. The past, something old and familiar that is gone from them. It's not that I am all that stunning.... but it's more a matter of old world beauty. It's translates well. 

The rest of the dream is gone. 

I read old letters now; to gather insight. This one struck a cord.

Perhaps it will turn out that you are called to be an artist. Then take that destiny upon yourself and bear it, its burden and its greatness, without ever asking what recompense might from outside. For the creator must be a world for himself and find everything in himself and in Nature to whom he has attached himself.

Excerpt from 'letters to a young poet' 
Rainer Maria Rilke

don't be fooled with a springtime love affair.

its difficult to sit back and watch. its hard to let things happen as they will.. without trying to change the outcome, which ultimately is an ending. a death from this body to move on... to the next travel.

but now i am exhausted from the sickness... lack of sleep. the coughing, cooped up in a dark shadow box.. full of dusty things.

im bored. i hate to have to say it... california, you bore me. but at the same time you keep me here out of intriguing hope that this will indeed become euphoric in a sense of... human reaction.

in a town so big; i bet i can make it feel small.

he said today... you could have anyone of them that you want, but you end it with them because you are bored. that is the last straw.

learning that you can't just give up. you have to keep breathing, to keep living and fighting for another day. i will lay with tears sinking into the pillow for awhile and try  and count the stars through my plastered ceiling. it does no use anymore... counting. its all just a stupid game we play.

the best advice found in this day...

Friday, April 5, 2013

pressure to place
the blocks neatly stacked in rows.
vertical to the floor
they stand in long lines
perfect seams that cover 
the ground.
growing new leaves
in innocent dirt
bringing life to
a new form of 

the love that is self sustaining. 

excerpt from 500 days of LA

pencils & paint.

----->she wants, wants more of what i can supply... under control, good shoes.

the more i get, the less i need it.
i thought i had control
i can feel the salt
i can feel the muscles tense.

you hurt me.

the day passes as if ages.... ages passed along. i had a mix up, but i should be thankful. those people didn't show up for a reason. beyond what i know or have control over. the ones that were in my chair... repeats. they know something i don't, or at least remember. losing the day tonight. i move on.

i'll ask nicely... please entertain me. i promise i'll pay attention... sitting in the front row, trying not to stare at... the boys. silly boys. you are not for me.

alpha wolf, the test tells me 40%... chance the world will change.
are you a part of the change? or will you be one of the .... walking dead. huh, you know that show?
fuck if i know.<-------

Thursday, April 4, 2013

to be dating.

more than one.


running down the white
slippery walls
is the dirt and filth
that covered my skin.  i wash the
weak away
ready to start a new
one tomorrow.

all the slime gets caught
in the standing lake pool
of frothy bubbles
scrambling at my feet
before being pounded
out with pellets of water
trying to find the right
spot to press up and feel
what might be a squeaky
clean crevice,
the one that you found
last week.

too late. washed down the
drain is all the bits and
that remained.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

first love.

you will never be his.

you wasted it on a fool
years ago; too many to
what "her" was all
the dark shadows
can now cease to hide
the flaws that are my

take him as a lesson
that poison is real
and once you
disobey the rules
he will
destroy you.

the faithful will be
but that boy was too
tempting to be

he was an angel
that i killed.

Monday, April 1, 2013

History of zero.

things happen when someone thinks completely different.

Give us help from trouble: for vain is the help of man. Through God we shall do valiantly: for he it is that shall tread down our enemies. (Psalms 60:11, 12 KJV)

Losing focus of the light. 

So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom. O satisfy us early with thy mercy; that we may rejoice and be glad all our days. Make us glad according to the days wherein thou hast afflicted us, and the years wherein we have seen evil. (Psalms 90:12, 14, 15 KJV)

California is selfish. She comes out to play here. 

Every word of God is pure: he is a shield unto them that put their trust in him. (Proverbs 30:5 KJV)

I will trust (them)

what do u feel when u hear them?

Bleeding emotion.

He was hardly there last night in my dream. Just a few too ..real.. photos. The butter yellow walls in the old house I've seen before. The maple wood bed frame... No bed. He was there in his pink cordarouy.. holes in the knees... He was just looking, then it became a photo. I was on a latter looking into a swimming pool that appeared to be an under the sea jungle. I kept trying to get in... but it didn't have water. The latter began to fall off the wall, it was connected upside down... I was worried about childish things.. I believe the ...other... guitarist was on the sidewalk, waiting for me to fall.... 

Whatcha waiting for???? Tick tock


a mess of note cards
stacked on the table
all waiting and sitting
around for the one day you might actually take the time to read them. to make something worth looking at. worth reading. piling up into dusty castles that eventually collapse. spilling over onto the floor and becoming useless. can't you see what you do to me? can't you see that the shapes have changed.
i can no longer create order with my thoughts. the artwork is a blur of lesser quality. i lack the patience to make anything stable. my control has unleashed a transparent film over my body. preserving what's inside... saving the blood for another day.