Wednesday, October 30, 2013

lucid dreaming can be a dangerous reality.

i had the strangest dreams last night... about my life leaving california. i didn't want to go, i wasn't ready. one of my room mates was forcing me to leave because he knew that i didn't have any right to be here, i can't afford not one bit of it. he had packed up all my things and i was forced to find a way home or somewhere else within only days. i panicked and was shocked by the reaction of the other room mates; they didnt seem to care. i stared out the window and wished that i didn't have to leave the view. where would i live? i couldn't see any options... i couldn't visualize any real future that looked bright to me. i think i even considered living at the salon... maybe with christoffer.
i did keep seeing this under the second floor room that was dark and comfortable, good lighting... high windows. it lead to the forest which felt like it connected to home. i think elwang was even a part of this dream... maybe he was helping me move?
i couldn't snap out of dream land, i wasted time seeing this unreal scene when i could have been awake and in the present world.


i need to get out of my head.

perfect timing.

you have to practice the daily rituals in order to stay on track. to stay focused and be able to get a task done. rituals. i have lost mine.. formed new ones, i am really unsure.

i stopped writing.
not enough time?
no.... just time filled with sex.
and other lustful nonsense.

but just as the seasons change, so do the tides.
it might be time to say goodbye for now.
he inspired an insightful ride.

i can learn to live without many things
a lover is not one of them.
i can not help my urges and i need them to be captured and contained with another human.

what i do believe... is that you choose a partner that compliments your life. that helps you get through the hard times, the good times.... and is there for years to help you reminiscence about the past. we choose to be with some one... we can not explain the attraction, but his scent plays a major role. his stature... his essence. it all just fits. for now. 

Thursday, October 24, 2013

mission statement.

Let the timing be of an essence that guides me to the right path. My planning is soon to begin. I have to reconnect with my being.. My purpose.

What is she?

Persistent to focus
Resistant to negativity
Thought provoking
Mysterious familiar energy
Classically trained
Exceptionally charming

And what will she do?
God only knows.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013


what have you done to me?
where did you come from?
and when will you be leaving?

the fleeting breed of the male gender...
feministic traits that would confuse or stifle the average female.
he does it all for a reaction.
i have none.


for now the made up illusion of his creature is trapped in my head and i want to run around with him.
he likes that i'm so mobile.

i like that he is such a gentleman. and he has phenomenal shoes.
men with style make me mad.
absolutely mad.

Monday, October 21, 2013


Resort back to the moment you arrived in California. The very first seconds of life here. The dreams, the aspirations... The joy of living in California. 
The eternal and everlasting light that I am... It resides inside of my soul. "I ain't got nothing but time".

I believe I prayed for him; I think I asked God for him to come along. Now we lay in a tangled mess of... Thoughts out loud. I should stay still with him, except we can never stop moving. I like hands and shoulders in the morning, it could've only been better with coffee. Our lustful time together is a sin, but I have to accept "this sin that I'm living in". I am only human.

I can't quite explain what has come over me. I think I fell out of love last night... This funny little feeling of ecstasy passing ... He wasn't what I wanted anymore, but that feeling and need to help him was still there. It is a forever feeling... 

Saturday, October 19, 2013

dare to scare.

The obstacle of being scared... Even if you know that it is happening... You can't exactly prepare yourself for the unknown. I was surrounded by all of my men, six wonderful men to keep me safe. Even their hands were not enough to keep me from screaming & shaky my way through the maze.

I think what disturbed me the most... That our society pays to scare themselves. By the masses we stand in line to see this "amusement"... How bizarre.
I was entertained by the crowds around us... Filtering in and out of the maze... Which is actually an old ship from the early twenties. It claims to be haunted and I'm sure that all the fake ghosts & chain slamming didnt make the actual spirits too happy. Either way, after only half of the show... I was eager to make my exit. 

The one chord that struck me.. Was a few moments with a banjo. A girl was dressed as a zombie and playing "beat it" by Micheal Jackson in such an intriguing manner... I hope one day to recreate this sound. Her feeling was stiff ans rigid... some thing was trapped inside. 

The old box cars lining the entrance with freak show and circus.... Flames firing in such a timing that kept you on your toes, now that I think back, I should've captured a photo, but no... I was reminded of Harry, I am sure he has already seen this before. 

Dreams to dreams twisted in liquid metal, all of which decided to reflect themselves in distorted ways. I wake up in great pain and sorrow... The pale white essence of innocence is how he makes me feel. Showering me in powered air, I could feel his hand. He is still lingering so close. I want to hear his voice again, but not many voices can be heard in these dreams. 

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Just another day in paradise.

Relax, stay awhile.

The beauty of the day is in colour. It is the breeze, the steady stillness of... I have been here in a dream. I dreamed it all in... I am so blessed.

Instead of moving... It is all handed to me on a silver platter, intriguingly placed pawns to guide my way. 
The red and black stripes reappear. Who knew a boy... of sorts... Exist that illustrates my life! His acrylic placement takes me to the space where it is hard to breathe. I am her.

Time drags on today. Hours from now I will be in this gallery full of artist... real artist.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

prayer is what needs to change. 

god is the spirit that lies within each of us. depending on the amount of influence you have from yourself and the studies of the word, depends on your outward behavior toward society. 

his spirit comes and goes, it is up to you to learn how to hold on. 


the beginning. sex will save us. dreams do come true.
they do. you just have to pray & concentrate.
i keep praying. i have no idea what is ahead of me.

talented artist are the most troubled souls...
all that feeling has to come from somewhere. what do you want to write about? this life.
lets be psychos together.
this moment.. we are alive.
i want to feel even more alive. with someone.
we deserve to have each other.
love is all a reality show.
so appropriate for my situation.
zack mexico inspired. talented guys.
oh the irony. the same moment i saw that ryan had hung up my painting in his room... & then joe text me a picture of another piece of art.. all of a sudden every thing became about art & it was... is amazing. i need to keep going. its only better from here. i am so ready. CALIFORNIA with michelle. its not what you expect. life with out expectations is a simple thing. enlightened. my favorite compliment of the night. this life is a reality show. i am the lead character. i am so ready for some one to hold me for a while. but i have plenty of time for that later. so begins the 14 day countdown.

one year later... i stumbled up this page in my journal today. 

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

meaningless sin.

listen to: the tills

If only he wasn't the demon downfall of my last few weeks, I think we went too far.
I just fall back into the sequence of no permanent words. I did not plan for this to happen.. "pinky promise" we'll be friends in the end.
Until then pleasure will do.

Medusa, he questioned me. I am genuinely insulted and also embarrassed with his questions. Do we really even want to know? Why do I like you? Why do I even care.

Another one still haunts me in my dreams.. and reality. "Do your own thing girl".
Stop acting insane. The world is changing and needs you... Someone whispers. "Selfish!" I exclaim, but it is all incomprehensible and when I speak I suppose that is why he is drawn to my mouth.

Only my parts of pleasure.
Selfish brat.

Playing the cards I have is the new rule.
Only the cards I have.
"You already hate me..."
We will be just fine.

Please forgive me ... For I have sinned.
But you placed the boy in front of me as a snake... Winding into temptation... To displace my goals.

Or maybe he is a good partner in crime, who is to say at this point? All I know is he left his soul in my room last night. My dreams are wrapped tight in his being...

For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? Mark 8:36

Thursday, October 10, 2013

like a feather.

in the palm of my hand
i wait for him
to come my way
with a breeze or
a stutter to shift the
blow me away.

landing soft to the earth
not a scratch
or sound
so gracefully falling
seamlessly, lightly
delicately, aimlessly
to touch the ground.

breathless is the still
of the wind
absence of your
gone for now
with a seasonal
sense of retreat

our soul finds it's

grim reaper blues.

listen to: entrance band.
rock & roll
i understand just a bit more of their pain.

i was hit by a car on tuesday. as in... two days ago. it still seems like a subtle dream, except it hurts.
my neck hurts, my shoulders... thank goodness i merely just hit the ground; floating the entire way.
life catches you off guard and shakes you until you are alive again. i know how easy it is to die. i thought i was dead... for about three minutes. for your brain, that is an eternity of questions. "why me?" "why now?"

the morning was beautiful and white and lined with beach side palm trees. the excitement of my mission made me lucid and preoccupied with thoughts of acrylic and paint brushes. minutes later i was in an ambulance, strapped to a board... imagining my brain bleeding out. i had so many urges, so many needs at that moment. i wanted to sing out loud, i had survived the day.

as the morning progressed i started to gain my sense of being and made a few important phone calls. the calm in my voice confused those on the other line... "did you get hit by a car?" as if i was just born again in my last pose. resting and focusing on getting the breathe to where it belonged. sooner than later i had to tell my mother... who is 3,500 miles away.

strangest thing.
i had a dream this happened the night before.
can you really live the dream?
call 911.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

night sessions.

it is a time of darkness
to secure that the light
of day doesn't penetrate 
it's core.
power to the lizards that
scatter away from the 
limelight tunnels leading
you far from your
stay here with the shadows
and demons resting 
until the reflection of day
has left the land.
scratching and holding 
hands in a ransom for
lost souls pacing 
to steal your identity.
questioning your ability
to hold firm to this 
treasure that is your 
foster this hopeful lust
and bottle it out to sea
further from reality as
humanly possible.
rest eyes with the silence
sleep wrapped in fiction
and satin sheets
of death. 

he takes me on a journey
of glitter and gold substances
false is his intention
of ever settling with love. 

he'll find me in the night.

Friday, October 4, 2013


10,000 hours later and studies have proven that i will have accomplished this or that.
i have many many more to go.
so i gave all my strife to god.
i had to, there was no other choice. you can only be broken down so much; to see the horizon again.
this is how i give gratitude and find peace... i must find myself.
only then can i love and gracefully help others.

dear god,
send me an angel.

Thursday, October 3, 2013


When a feeling lingers... Stays with you and causes feelings, emotions. Thoughts of him were only once in my dreams, but I have been in his... Before he knew me.

He said that I was there, hovering around... On him.
He dreamed we walked down the city streets, chain smoking and there were flowers everywhere... We were admiring how beautiful they were... Then we kissed against a wall.

This happened the other night... Friday to be exact, minus the flowers and cigarettes.
Lucid dreaming.
Others have them too.

It is not just me, hum. But I brought it up. What do I like about him? One might ask...
I don't recognize him... That is why I want to see him, our legs are comfortably wrapped and tripped out together. Is this normal? Too soon? I assume so.

"I am not normally this way... You are very tempting."

Oh good grief.

The piano haunts me. I want her so bad. Her keys are calling my name.
and as for Mr. Harrison? He is still so close.... but too far away on this particular day.