Sunday, August 25, 2013


"you keep trying to decide on just one thing.. one place, one person. dear, you can have all of it." says niya.
she looks me in the eye. this girl.

our dinner date was a much needed spontaneous moment in time so we could sit and have a cake & a cup of coffee.
so what, i like sugar...and caffeine.
i like drugs.

then we call it a night.
the ninja turtles & super blazer are meant for another night. we'll get to downtown LA soon enough, for now the shore is just fine.

Saturday, August 24, 2013


because i played the fool for you, i solicit the right to an explanation.
the pains of your voice echo far and...
in a quiet plan of self awareness.

subtle & selfish is the intention of rhetorical questions
answers of a genius.
the name of the song...
"what is your story?"

you'll just have to wait and see.
until then i will continue to make a memorial
mess of the situation for pure amusement.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013



do not give me what is best
      i don't know better anyway
bizarre constellation
      far beyond your reach
better books for writing
  connected in a web
     of crystalized nylons
         glittered threads
spiraling in a wheel of
         no human is enough
  for me because i am alone.
the loneliest souls draw me in.

july 23 2013

Monday, August 19, 2013


I lose count of the days.. The hours... The time of what is making my future. I had all the best intentions of keeping up... Of using the right words, but instead I ignore my own goals. They seem.. Lackadaisical.

To create a design, one in my mind quickly and effortlessly.. Then we spent the evening in his studio making bracelets... I sat and was surprisingly quiet. I wanted to spill things all over the floor and throw paint.. Or delicately place acrylic on canvas... But not yet... Not yet. I have to breathe in and take these quiet moments to envision "this".

I was oddly surprised with my appeal to him... What keeps us intrigued in each other? An invisible draw like tiny crystal threads lacing our lives together. He might be the most interesting man I know...

"In a past life" he kept explaining...

Sunday, August 18, 2013

in the sea of a selfish arrogant unrealistic fashion less city.. "those pants are brilliant". the pants usually are in my world.
but last night was lame and less than desired. i see the world in a different way.
disconnected now, while the rhymes and rhythms are too much for me to handle.
i feel alone and bored, so the point of the story is... "do not let your surroundings distract you from what is in the inside, create from within."

create from within.
create from within.
create from within.

then release your creativity into the world, even with all the clutter, all the noise, all the bullshit...

you will be found if you are real.

Friday, August 16, 2013


to die at your peak, or just before the fall. that is what i long for
"you will only get better..." said london.
he made me feel sound today, reassuring me that i am indeed just passing through. i lack this sense of community but i do "indeed include everyone" said the caterpillar. he understands because he is just as evil....

we shall travel together someday.
he is the man of my dreams.

more and more the goals which bring your interest forward.
Where do they come from?
within. if you took a moment to be quiet you would see them.

i am a distant soul that hasn't really connected to long beach. i lost a sense of me...

he is always included. as selfish as i am.
so i watch another documentary and gush about perhaps posing naked. hum. boring.

one week.... this is enough time to grasp the feelings that i slammed on the ground. the collision i wonder if he feels the same way>
who am i kidding. now we just have to see who caves first, more details later....

sex. sex. sex. sex. sex. sex. sex. sex. sex. sex. sex. sex.  sex. sex. sex .sex. sex. \\

feelings. fuck. feelings. fuck. art. fuck feelings. fuck art. art. art. art.
sex. sex. sex. sex. sex. sex. sex. sex.
fingers. fingers. fingers. fingers. art. art. art.
sex. sex. sex. sex. sex. sex. sex.
feelings. feelings. feelings. feelings.
art. art. art. art. art. art. art. art. art. art. art. art.

fuck feelings sex art death.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

to be?   or    not to be?

the infamous question. it will almost be too late if i keep going. i should give in now if i plan not to be recognized. then i can go home and just continue to stir up trouble because i am bored?

other option: stay still for a few more months.
also... try to be a lady. there is a place and time to be a wild animal. NOT around boys that you plan on working with...

the creative fantasies that i created all day with my dreams from last night kept my mind occupied. the release will hopefully cure me of "his" lingering for a few days. i am one step closer to finding a mate, i can feel it. the visualizations and longing keep me waking up each morning.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

breaking point.

ruin me in bits of cracked

fracture the stale pieces
splintered in the heart

implode the particles of dusty
skin fragments to dismantle

this brain from all of your 
god given pleasure
it is too much.

demolished dirt smash to the ground
snap cables binding the joints

splatter on the walls drips
and drops burst and crack

the final words that disable
knees to bend forcefully

crush the thread of flesh
split to exhaust the thimble

hope impairs failure rendering
division crashes with a shiver.

Monday, August 12, 2013


"why do you write?"

because i have to, i explain.
i have to push the poison out somehow... somewhere.
do i know enough.
i never will... and if learning all the keys means spending more time just being still; i guess i'm going to stand still for awhile.

(i can see a professor now... tearing me apart)

it has to come out.
my time with sarah on the porch. she is an important character in the web that i am spinning. i watched a spider spin this web during dusk. she was delicate and persistent. she knew what she wanted... and she achieved it.
i suppose attraction is based on animalistic theory. if it weren't for the dreams, i wouldn't be pursuing him. but there are dreams and they have been realized.

in a world of two hundred years later.. i am still alive.
i am still intriguing.
i am still... on this earth.

(pick & choose wisely)

Sunday, August 11, 2013


That is the name of my current game. If I want something, I will get it. I just have to use the slightest bit of sarcasm and wear a relatable t-shirt.. Then it's just a matter of time.

In a room full of boys... I'm adjusted to being the center of feminism. It has been years of "training" for me. The sense of humor and expression amuses everyone. I guess you could say that I can be "a good time."

I met trouble, we hang out often enough. I know her well. His friend that I met... They have previous "girl" issues. That's what I love to hear... He said we needed to meet... And we sure did. He addresses me as "trouble". 

I was from the future and had never heard of things such as.. Instagram or Facebook. I was deliriously sarcastic and just used that card for a while. Playing a roll and being ridiculous. That is my favorite past time.

"Who was she?" I wonder is the question this morning. I let him see a bit of me. I don't remember the exact moment that our faces met.. Once again. He said we'd be sober the next time this happened; he was hardly correct. I knew that.

The sugar and vodka added to the mix of why I can't remember. I want all the small things back... But instead I threw my usual tantrum because I was drunk and I must have some weird trapped up tension that is released now in my young adult life. I just know too much... And nothing at all. Oh the simplicity of being brilliant. I recall some one referring to me as... Just that. "Brilliant". 

Thursday, August 8, 2013

A muse to the arts.

A mannequin is the amount
Of what I am and will become.
Some eerie energy source that 
You use for your own..

Just a photo or a song is 
How I exist in this land after 
Time washes away the empty 
Sorrow that is buried in my expression.

Delicate laced lines are placed
Between you and I.
The only survival method...
I have my own soul.
It can not be captured without a thrill.

Placement and timing 
Lighting... No sound.
Words will not describe my love affair
With the most talented men 
Of the arts.

Only a shadow in the darkness
Once. Twice. Three times too many
A classy glass of broken promises.
Leaving legacy behind.

truth hurts.

it was all nothingness. "what is the matter?"
i already knew this was coming. but instead i created the scenario in my brain, but it wasn't real... it wasn't really real anyway. now i have to reinvent myself for a new cycle. the seasons change and so does the crowd. if forever was now... then we'd be over it.
it is going to take time. years of time for me to express how i feel. i suppose the art is just what comes natural. i can't hide it, but it is hidden. society hides the most beautiful things. you can't always see them... but it is made everyday.

give it to me.
use it of me.
the cycle continues.
seems to hurt less & less
with each one. 

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

obsessively monogamous.

"where am i going with this? I'm not really sure." is it a crazy thing to do what i do… what i did. 
but i feel like i have a purpose.
it all was from the band. i was so inspired to dance and be so thrilled with life that i just… danced. 
she said that they were all going to go home and have sex tonight. that is good… for couples. they need a reason to dance. our society forgot how to dance. how to have romance.  that actually keeps the 'things' alive. the flashback of what really was…. the dance. the sex is something so silly to me. it's not even the important part. 
i think the point might be that this music inspires us to want to have sex. it is like sex… it is that good. but if we all have loving and proper sex lives… we would be able to have a better country.. raise better children.. and see to it that people learn about love. 
the music translates well. purrfect. 

i am so thankful.
that is the point I'm trying to make. sex will indeed save us

so focus on yourself and the rest will come. have faith in the beauty of love.. across parallel lines. enjoy each one. 

Sunday, August 4, 2013


i claim to be this.... artist. 

i suffer from yteixna laicos. 

rarely do i know what to talk about and i like to wear clothes to distract you from that.
i have ridiculous facial expressions and i touch my hair a lot.
i like to wear fur on a daily basis and i strive to clean the house in heels.

i have no formal training in theory... yet i've done this my whole life.
i've created every alter ego that has ever caught my interest.

i shake and shiver now. it is too exciting and i've had too much sugar.
london said today.. "alcohol is bad for the artist."
he is true. 
but i crave something to blur my over-analzying. it just seems too complicated after that. 

Saturday, August 3, 2013

House cat.

Trapped in a box of see through glass that holds me inside
Keeping me in a consistent longing for the outside world.

My thoughts are curious whispers standing still
And quivering at the thought of escaping this reality.

"Darling... What are you thinking about?" He slurs...
"Not a single thing my dear..." I purr from under my pursed lips.

No matter telling anyone what I think... What I dare to create
In this psycho feline brain. I think I'll just take a nap.

the lost days.

three is the magic number.
in a way of magical nonsense.
i listen to the arctic monkeys...
"love is not what i need... so don't give it to me". -evil twin

that is what is on the inside.
i am trouble...i know this already.
to keep a good thing going ... you have to give it more.
fuck time.

they were too bland anyway. its time to move on.
im such a drag these days. at least i choose to wear colour.

Friday, August 2, 2013

Enough is enough.

Yesterday was the end... Of my ending. I have this strong sense of hopelessness and just giving in and saying... I'm done.

I'm all done. I'm done with trying too hard and not tying hard enough.
I'm done with not doing enough... And doing too much.
I've done nothing at all.
I'm done with self regrets and self doubt.
I'm done staring off into space... Playing out imaginary thoughts in my head. 

The month of August is going to be a rush of pressure. A rush of pleasure and... Then some creativity. The lioness in me is ready to be powerful again.

Glad I had my beauty rest...