Thursday, May 29, 2014


"i said i am... too proud... to beg."

if you would only answer.
he said.. I wish you wouldn't come over.
i took it too personal.
now i lay alone.


i hope that soon someone will be able to hold me.
i'm exhausted.
i'm too tired to be alone.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014


prayer ritual performed by Hindus to host, honour and worship one or more deities, or to spiritually celebrate an event.[1][2] Sometimes spelled phonetically as Pooja or Poojah, it may honour or celebrate the presence of special guest(s), or their memories after they pass away. The word Pūjā (Devanagari: पूजा) comes from Sanskrit, and means reverence, honour, homage, adoration, and worship.

gathering ourselves around the fire we gave offerings to release the burden that has been placed upon us. throwing all of our troubles into the burning embers... letting go of the hurt, pain and sorrow and envisioning a new chapter... a new vibration into the universe. as the sun set along the eastern horizon... we chanted an hour long prayer asking for our blessings. i released the tension and asked that i receive the voice of the angels. i prayed for my family, good health... i could only see cristoffer in front of me, i wanted him near by... i wanted him by my side. the parallel burning fire that is so important to my survival. he may indeed be a lifelong shaman, so i asked that we stay in love for the rest of our earthly time... and infinitly that we soar together through the stars. holding tight the yellow daisy in my hand until it was time to throw it into the fire... becoming dust once again. the hour had passed and our song had come to an end... we circled the fire nine times to seal the essence and then it was done. 


as i dig deeper into the issues of the current state of mind, i am ever so grateful for the shift in graciousness. reading a few scriptures before sleep... this i stumble upon:
now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous, nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby. 
hebrews 12:11

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

the law of love.

in a vivid dream last night destiny told me that i needed to learn the law of love.
i can recall the feelings of not wanting to be around... my work is on this side for now.
for the time being i am surrounded by the love that is my current perception of the world.
so much praise, support and beauty... how could i possibly feel anymore sorrow. i collect hugs
like marbles that were once scattered along the floor... a slow but steady process, one with 
all the sights and sounds of the familiar. later days will be filled in with pen & paper, you 
must ask and you will receive. i wish that one could grasp and read all the words that i will
continue to intimately write on the ivory sheets, along the lines in flowing ink. old fashioned
and to the point, i collect the energy i deserve to survive. 

research found the answers... in seven spiritual stages. this all catches my attention as i am 
currently witnessing it all unfold. 

nothing is more beautiful than naturalness.
the attraction between two people is so intense that is transports them beyond ordinary perception and the ordinary world becomes enchanted.
contact of soul with soul, taking from each other what they did not possess alone. 
when flesh emerges with flesh... sexual energy is seen as the creative energy of the universe.
surrender and non-attachment.
losing yourself in another person is the best way to find your true self.
higher reality is experienced in the merging of the masculine and the feminine in one's own being.
it is our original state... this is where we came from, the state of grace to which we shall one day return. it is the final stage of intimacy with spirit that flows through love. 

each and every religion has something to be said about this law... and that is the gift of giving without the hope of reward or pay. "divine law can neither be ignored nor put aside". 

i grasp this concept with such intensity that it projects everything i have been trying to say all along. i am no longer hurt or suffering. i have been released and the mind shift takes place... as the new moon rises, i set my new intentions for the cycle.

  • no longer will i be controlled by the world.
  • i will love those around me.
  • i will sing with my heart & soul.
  • i will not be held back by my own insecurities.
  • i will forgive those who have wronged me, but i will not forget.
  • each day will open new doors, all through song & dance.
  • i will make new sounds each day.
  • the creative art i see in my mind will come out on paper.
  • i will forever be filled with the light, glory, & beauty of the divine goddess spirit that i possess for eternity.
  • i will be loved. 

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

take it or leave it.

open ended sentences, nothing like i had imagined. the time has come to leave here again. back to the coast that makes sense... what will i come back to? some one who tries? who cares? or have i indeed wandered off of my path... i haven't an idea yet. in a blank stare of "i dare you" we part ways for this time.

our time was indeed cut short, he might not be in the cards. i think i played him one too many times... but he feels so natural now. can i preset reset?

c'est la vie.

Monday, May 19, 2014


"you are such a doll..."

admiration doesn't always equal the trust it deserves ...or does it?
to toss this idea in the air is an odd one,
contradicting the over exertion of our physical selves
i can't stop myself.
i have given up control
i always do everything
alone. for good reason
until the most beautiful
world... i have created so
  dark, evil, shattered
can reclaim it's light
and it's joy. too powerful
of a woman is hardly the
scenario, i've been this
way forever, and those
alike will continue to
collect. fondness is the
clue. a light in your eye.

the human hugs are good for the soul.
he is the light.
he is the way.
he grants you
lovers &
friends to hold you in his arms.

oliver explained a german theory... god can't always be everywhere at once, so he created woman. amen.

Sunday, May 18, 2014


"My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember is thinking, I want to be like them
Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done

Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy

mixed decisions and beautiful days ahead and behind. 
synchronization is an awareness that one can not begin to explain, 
you just have to feel it.
i think i may have missed a beat,
by leaving.
isn't it funny how i can feel the miles apart from certain flames...
as the west coast burns,
you'll fall in love one day too
then begin to understand.

Saturday, May 17, 2014

note to self. 
enjoy the quiet times. they are short lived. enjoy the breezes and birds, the cloudy days. the calm before the storm.
jump off the edge eventually. free falling & and not a clue of the future. but enjoy the times before. the journey there. plenty of minutes i will soon lose. the days are just numbers in order of … work.
i've skipped the past few days writing…
breaks from commitment are healthy.
time to reevaluate & reconsider.
breaks the thought process. i feel good about my choices this year & i am so very blessed. lots of good work lately. let the debt pay off begin. money is just an object that lets you go. i don't need much. the less the better with materialistic things. "an actual hippie". not one that dresses in those beanies & grungy clothes… actual, ha. "does he really know me"? he hasn't a clue. embrace this alone time to think, to process my own thoughts, without the influence of others. my time. soon i will be surrounded & crazy. full of energy and inspiration. so wild. I CAN DO THIS> IT IS MY PATH. SMILE. friendships. my favorite and most difficult type of relationship. but i am practicing, getting better. 

ali, lindsey, becky & rachel (both) alex & allen. joe (of course) 
some good cookouts and beach time. tis the season. the cold only last for awhile. 
may 18 2012

Friday, May 16, 2014


in the rare occasion that we might move around
release the toxic surroundings of your sudden urge
to intersect with another being. grasp onto the thin
lines like spider webs flowing with a spring breeze.

euphoric shaken & stirred and an abundance of
"i'll have whatever he's having" type of attitude. he
knows the way a thousand times before... "who said
there would be one after..." how unexpected.

we left for a moment... to a sight from our present
tense, now past, i can see it all in front of me. each
small detail is beginning to fall into place. just a few
more shakes before the possession will be complete.

Sunday, May 11, 2014


allowing light to pass through so that objects behind can be distinctly seen.

"when i'm with you.. it all just goes away".

tension was building to the point of no return.. so, instead, we sat in a tree and attempted to grasp the last bit of golden chaos that we had...
that we could hold onto.
brisk cold winds keep us from relaxing or even being able to breathe. i ask that he just stay awhile. "you said you would wait". he says to me in his quick, serious voice. atoms that have found their complementary vibration... it's hard to live without. 
laying face to face in the shadows... "i can't do this.." he whispers. but we have been here before. i don't feel the desire quite the same. as we flip pages in our novel, never again to escape backwards to the unknown.

"i didn't mean to fall in love with you"
"life is full of accidents, keeps things... hopeful"

i thank god he has shone me my perfectly imperfect companion. no matter how hard we insist it will be as we expected; quickly. as tightly as we held each other in the street. in a romantic twist of fate, i am in love with this soul. only the most extraordinary ones are part of my... repertoire.

there, you have it. "here>>?" one might obsess. but a promise is promise, not to leave. the saline trails kept releasing themselves in order to understand the break down we all must complete, before any flower is made.
to make the statement, i will be with you forever is a strong one, but one none-the-less important as our sudden persuasion that this is an acceptable scenario. 

to have two loves is a balance of a disproportion in synchronization. to try and describe the parallels of our current complexity wouldn't do "this" justice. taking more time .....

(it is too late for this type of over analytical nonsense, the day was good for me... i'll try this better on paper, with pen)

Friday, May 9, 2014

verb: amplify; 3rd person present: amplifies; past tense: amplified; past participle: amplified; gerund or present participle: amplifying

          to increase the volume of (sound), especially using an amplifier."the accompanying chords have          been amplified in our arrangement"
  1. make louder, louden, turn up, magnify, intensify, increase, boost, step up, raise  "the sound from an electric guitar was meant to be amplified"
  2. increase the amplitude of (an electrical signal or other oscillation).
  3. cause to become more marked or intense.  "urban policy initiatives amplified social polarization"

Wednesday, May 7, 2014


we are the catalyst to our destruction and
covered in a cold sweat we both sink into
my bed.
taking more than our offerings allow at
this time.
no sense of self control wrecks our will to
no longer two separate ordinary souls but
just one.
like a mirror reflection in a smoke covered
gray glass.
layers of sliding scales announce that truth
rings clear.
the shadow of our delusional thrilling life
taking time to place all the steps back to
never have i seen such a destiny laid in front
of me.
say farewell to the silence and pleasure of
fathom not all the dressings and dreams
come true.

Monday, May 5, 2014

the outside world.

receiving letters this time from new jersey...
she writes to me in a parallel fashion that i
am oh so fond of. i can see her clearly as if
she was just across the table at tea time. the
small controlled cursive art flows in a sense
that she is at peace in her current trasition.
reminds me of the book she sent. i open the
pages to mark where i have seen before. the
uneven, thick teal marks read aloud ------

    "in a healthy artistic environment, artist are not in competition with each other. unfortunately, healthy artistic environments are about as common as unicorns. we live in a society that encourages competition at demonstrably vicious levels, and sets a hard and accountable yardstick for judging who wins."
art & fear by david bayles and ted orland  chapter VI the outside world. 

forbidden fruit.

returning to the essence of the silver colored lining
taking my time to let the words and thoughts sink
in so deep into the soul... in order to collect the taste
that he left in my mouth. the taste of something so
powerfully sinful, so divinely blinding that my senses
became too sharp and i almost choke just at the feel.

it is too much.  we have gone too fast.  he kept his
words so riddled and rhymed that i could only take
them intertwined with my own perception of our
existence. no longer can we lay tangled and trapped
with our own selves... that would be just too "selfish".

"don't you think? we should create something with
this, something more than what it is.... it is time for
our next chapter... we must evolve." all the while i
am at a loss for proper words, my heart sinks into the
shallow pit of an upset stomach. i try and quietly tip
toe around the phrases that i wish i could take back.

it is all said and done. the end of our beginning. i try
and ask "what is it...??" but nothing comes out right.
i have so much to tell him, so much to say. what we
have given each other is a sacred gift that is forever
embedded in our memory. together in a parallel string
of silk, so thin and fragile that it could so easily
disappear with the breeze. "there is nothing to grab
hold of... even if you did, it would slip through your

so we slip. both of our hands try and hold each other's
skin in a panic, we know it will end too soon. i hear
that loving someone with all of your heart is one of
the hardest things to do. he has become a drug to my
brain... it takes days to recover from his touch; he
lingers for some time in my room, even after his physical
body has left me.

watching his beauty in the white afternoon light, i get
close to see the gold flecks in his eyes. feeling too high
for the moment, i can only stare in awe of his presence.
"aren't you proud of how good we have both been doing?"
he asks me, in a longing tone... what does it all mean. i
become too twisted in my anxieties and have such a
difficult time realizing what he is actually saying to me...
instead i break down and become weak with insecurities
questions that i will never need the answers to dance
throughout my brain. he can see it in my eyes... i am lost.

pressing pause on the situation in order to each build our
own personal structure. we could never build anything
worth keeping if we continue on this current path, even as
we try and hold each other there... we must walk this one
alone.   concealing my tears, those little saline drops that
are begging to fall, i find balance and spill out a story of
feeling like he is letting go... we both must release each
other into the world. "can't you see, we are making each
other sick". smothering him in love is not what either of
us can handle... it's like poison to our bones. so i give up.

Saturday, May 3, 2014

in due time.

with that said.
i have many coins 
to throw in the 

i choose to leave
this time for now.
maybe i will see
him in our next
life. doubtful.

too young to
ever be ready 
for the power
pure love. god
given and then
quickly taken.

with worry of
his death he is 
no more alive
to me than my 
own soul.

ever changing
vibrations find
their last drop.
let's save it for 
later. once upon 
a time...

Friday, May 2, 2014

infinite grace.

my heart is broken.
i pray that God makes
this pain subside. 

he knows my soul all
too well... the struggle
is what pushes me 

should i stay? or should i go now... 
does the countdown begin.
my next few days will 
tell all the secrets.

sir.sierra just shattered me 
on the concrete. 

here i stand... alone. in the city of angels.

i belong with them, my wings are willing and able to fly. 

Thursday, May 1, 2014


style is the statement. 

what does yours say about you? about your place in the world? your message to the people? 

"i am trying to make a statement" 

relax and pray. the actions begin to be to be too much. too alarming that i couldn't even understand the spell i have been placed under. 

the adventure? 
one might ask themselves is it worth the trill of upside down? yes... 

i can describe to you in words only the obvious details, others are lost like the wind. as the chimes ring on through the sunny california morning i place my hands amongst the unseen. i can see the light and if it takes my life then so be it. a world is there to support me. 

"just don't leave". not yet anyway. but i begin to sell all the things that meant a thing or two. 

(some will go to ali cat)

knockin' on heavens door 
anywhere but here
where the heart is 

"be sure to say goodbye before you go..." mr. harrison said to me in a dream.


"anyone who mistakes me for ordinary is foolish".

i had this revelation over that last few weeks of time... where people keep placing me in boxes and squares to label me as one thing or the other. everyone is so concerned with their own "rock stardom" that they can't even see what is right in front of them.

i take great pride in my mystical powers now that i see ... the light.
as we sat by the fountains of downtown, watching the continuous flow of water trickle through the concrete walls... a light show of vibrant colors. vibrations of souls humming together to create a much larger outlook. creating sounds and formulations that pressure and change could never destroy. i am not in control... the well being of humanity is at stake though. and for those who have crossed me.. "i'll let wisdom speak for itself".


sometimes i feel i dare not even write his name for if i say that it is true it will so quickly be taken away from me, so i let the will of the world pass the torch. i spoke of it in the metaphor of a twin flame. 
hola, te amo. 
speaking only in poems and riddle and rhymes, too can play this game. "people with momentum " at least the commercial that decided to stop my selection of songs gave me a touch of inspiration. 
relaxation and from the hands of a healer, i am blessed and thankful for this touch.
so dance your heart out little girl, remember the beautiful life you led only so many months ago? you are still her.. less tan, longer hair and much more "lean"; so for the pity party that keeps playing in your brain, well you can bet that everything will be covered in blood to release this sadness and anger inside. 
sing your heart out. 

(expert from 500 days of la)