forbidden fruit.

returning to the essence of the silver colored lining
taking my time to let the words and thoughts sink
in so deep into the soul... in order to collect the taste
that he left in my mouth. the taste of something so
powerfully sinful, so divinely blinding that my senses
became too sharp and i almost choke just at the feel.

it is too much.  we have gone too fast.  he kept his
words so riddled and rhymed that i could only take
them intertwined with my own perception of our
existence. no longer can we lay tangled and trapped
with our own selves... that would be just too "selfish".

"don't you think? we should create something with
this, something more than what it is.... it is time for
our next chapter... we must evolve." all the while i
am at a loss for proper words, my heart sinks into the
shallow pit of an upset stomach. i try and quietly tip
toe around the phrases that i wish i could take back.

it is all said and done. the end of our beginning. i try
and ask "what is it...??" but nothing comes out right.
i have so much to tell him, so much to say. what we
have given each other is a sacred gift that is forever
embedded in our memory. together in a parallel string
of silk, so thin and fragile that it could so easily
disappear with the breeze. "there is nothing to grab
hold of... even if you did, it would slip through your
fingers".

so we slip. both of our hands try and hold each other's
skin in a panic, we know it will end too soon. i hear
that loving someone with all of your heart is one of
the hardest things to do. he has become a drug to my
brain... it takes days to recover from his touch; he
lingers for some time in my room, even after his physical
body has left me.

watching his beauty in the white afternoon light, i get
close to see the gold flecks in his eyes. feeling too high
for the moment, i can only stare in awe of his presence.
"aren't you proud of how good we have both been doing?"
he asks me, in a longing tone... what does it all mean. i
become too twisted in my anxieties and have such a
difficult time realizing what he is actually saying to me...
instead i break down and become weak with insecurities
questions that i will never need the answers to dance
throughout my brain. he can see it in my eyes... i am lost.

pressing pause on the situation in order to each build our
own personal structure. we could never build anything
worth keeping if we continue on this current path, even as
we try and hold each other there... we must walk this one
alone.   concealing my tears, those little saline drops that
are begging to fall, i find balance and spill out a story of
feeling like he is letting go... we both must release each
other into the world. "can't you see, we are making each
other sick". smothering him in love is not what either of
us can handle... it's like poison to our bones. so i give up.