reflection.

sub·tle

Adjective:

1. (esp. of a change or distinction) So delicate or precise as to be difficult to analyze or describe.
2. (of a mixture or effect) Delicately complex and understated.

the hints and moments that keep pushing me along. each small action is connected in a very precise web, one that will amaze me in the future.  once i figure out some of the connections.

each day is a chance to make a new connection.  i need to get out and see people now. new people... they open new doors.  i need live music and a grungy dive bar along the ocean front.  i have a touch of cabin fever.  

so the challenge now is to be patient and productive.  the two talents i lack most days.  procrastination though- i'm a professional. we shall see what tomorrow brings. halloween. the day you can pretend to be dead... or someone else.   absolutely absurd, but human nature loves it.  

one year ago today.  everything was so different, yet exactly the same.  what a bizarre place we have here.  tonight was quite eerie.  the full moon reflected off the water covered streets... standing water and sheets of sand covered the road home. thank goodness for backroads on higher ground.  a sight i'll never forget.  the air is calm now, the quiet moment after pure hell.  a different world awaits me tomorrow in the light.  change is good. 

coastal chaos.

"When I need help, can't call for help
  Cause no one comes...

So I'm calling fire, fire, fire, fire
  Burn, burn, burn, burn, burn
  And only fire, fire, fire, fire for you." - Delta Rae

the storm the threatens to turn everyone's life upside down.  it came so quickly and with surprise that no one really had time to prepare.  the ocean is angry, tearing down piers, houses, and memories.  it washed away the road that i traveled all summer.  the rising tides are unpredictable and all we can do is wait.  for three days we wait.

things will be different in a few days.  we will piece it all back together with time, some things will be replaced, others will exist only in pictures and thoughts.  it's hard to let some of these things go... they have been around for so many years.  this "frankenstorm" will be just a blip in the history of the tiny island where we live.  only the tough will survive... we who seek out adventure and wild.  we get exactly that.

my adventure will be post-poned for a few days.  i get a sense of relief, now i get a few extra minutes to stop and think.  the last few weeks have been a whirlwind of goodbyes... you learn who loves you when you decide to leave.  i feel the love.  i guess i knew i was... but sometimes its just nice to hear it.  i've shed quite a few tears this last week.  all the feelings are finally setting in.  it doesn't help that a natural disaster is now threatening my home.  the extra time is now where i am.  preparing myself for the change of a lifetime.  its a change that i must make, now or never.  i could just stay put in the comfort of my island life, but where will that get me?  comfortable can make you crazy.  i feel like i'm just treading water... 

drowning.  the business i was working for... drowning.  the relationship that i thought i wanted... drowned.  he's a sinking ship.  the dreams and ambitions... inspiration; drowning in the sea.  so now i jump ship to a new world.  the weeks to follow are unpredictable, but i have only good feelings about my move.  things on the west coast are completely different.  so different that i may not even recognize myself... but i'll try to keep grounded.  i've been told that i know myself more than most twenty somethings.  i'll try to hold true to me, for as long as possible.  

"who do you think you are?!?" - he screams.
      i know who i am.  an artist.  a stylist.  a friend.  a daughter.  a beauty.  a dreamer.  a confidant.  a pleasure.  an inspiration.  a giver.  a believer.  a yogi.  a dancer.  a lover.  and so much more.  but an "empty mannequin"...  he'll soon learn that i am far - far - from empty.

no expectation.
             only grace.

i'll have this permanently placed on my left wrist... in red.  where you check your pulse to see if you are alive, i need a reminder. 

somethings quickly become apparent.  you get answers and results fast.  the more i become one with my body and my self...the quicker the results.  a friend once said "your life is a direct reflection of you physical being".  he has a point.  i'm going to make it a point to keep my lines clear, its easier to see.
without expectation is a simple and beautiful thing.  your imagination can not even come close to reality... so there is no need to waste time planning and overanalyzing life situations. there is no way for your brain to process all the variables that go into a life event.  instead, manifest ideas and then take a look around for opportunities to get similar results of your dreams.  

some of the most beautiful women graced my life today.  i am so very blessed with their presence.

"i love dancing on the edge. there is always the chance i will fall."

it's a parallel life. two years ago today i watched alice in wonderland.  watched it today with mother. it's one of my favorites as a child.  i was a weird one. full of strange colors and actions.  tea parties and mad cats... hookah smoking caterpillars and evil card queens.   story of my life.

           "i'm afraid i've gone mad."  
     "you are mad, bonkers, 'round the bend. all the best people are."

wonderland.

a year's time is quick. before you know it 365 days is over and done, a few memories and pictures scattered about. i chose to write on a few of those days, looking back those are the days that mattered.

only a year ago i was on a flight to new york.   i needed to escape my island life and be inspired by the city limits.  i showed up alone in a place where independence is a must and everyone is only worried with themselves.  i sat in a musty old diner, a cup of tea... and a few thoughts about the upcoming weekend and it's sensory excitement.  i was beyond inspired during my short visit.  i found a leather journal from a street vendor that defined my next year.  photos, scents and moments of realization.  

the following week of my return is where i stand now... one year ago.  without even realizing it i had met the guy that would change my life... then i went into surgery.  the month of november left me bed ridden, some pain medicine and my writing.  once the pain wore off... insomnia gave me a chance to recap my summer.  the summer of 23 was full of life lessons.  it was also filled with sex.  the kind that is passionate and careless, unfortunately that kind is what also leaves you empty... so very empty the next day.  it motivated me to create artwork that will be eventually become well-known and loved.  it gave me feelings...

i wrote my summer story in a night, eventually the sun came up and it was over.  but it was the dream that provoked the story that meant so much.  he said that he was sorry... he cried.  i knew why it would never work but i constantly fight things of this kind.  it's just wild that everything in that dream i had one year ago is now coming true.  it's not the details that describe what is happening, but rather the big picture.  dreams do come true.  

indian summer 2011 
november 8 2011

as the air cools and the sun sets too soon for sanity, i sit back and remember the hot days...the wild parties and starry beach nights.  dare i say it? i think i'll stick it out this winter on the outer edge of the continent, all in hope of another summer.

it always sneaks up on you, the summer season.  spring came quickly and we all prepared ourselves for the tourist traffic, the profit and the summer love.  i fell in love with many things, including several brides, girls & boys and also myself.  it was the most rewarding to fall in love with myself and the talents that i have as an artist.  the love i have for styling hair for the brides on their special day is such an amazing feeling, i don't know how i would live without it.

the chaos picks up in april, thank goodness the rain finally seized. march was a tough haul, with mostly just rain and wind... and sense of the world ending. it did not and the flowers did bloom.  speaking of flowers, it was the hottest trend instead of a veil, real or fake, they added a touch of casual elegance to the messy heads of curls.  the spring continued on with several bike rides and photo opportunities. one photo in particular started the whole vintage summer theme, and since that night i couldn't get enough of seventies styled photos... editing out the unwanted and leaving a bit of mystery to every shot.  this one boy inspired the entire movement for me,  nothing like good inspiration.

late nights at the studio.  some of the most memorable haircuts to their jam sessions.  one guy said it best... "hair is your art, like music is ours". exactly.  the haircut to dance gavin dance was a good one, surround sound.  i enjoyed just listening to them play for hours, writing down thoughts. good music always inspires good thoughts.  one night in particular we laid on he floor and fell asleep to the loudest soundtrack. it was just an innocent back scratch...

we danced the nights away, called ourselves the tri-fecta. silly yes, but you are only young and beautiful once, so away we go.  she has long blonde, beautiful hair and a body full of stunning artwork that tells her story.  maybe we fell in love at first sight, i remember telling her that her hair was gorgeous, that usually wins them over... we were spotted together all summer, complete opposites.  soon we collected a tall, curvy dark skinned diva, her fro of curls being one of my favorite compliments to her... i hope she realizes the ire of beauty she posses.  we danced until it was unnecessary ...then danced more.  we demanded looks from across the room, demanded just a bit of attention, but mostly we demanded a good time... we always got it.  we became the posse that followed the dj... yea, we know the dj.  i could go on forever about the looks we got, or the fun we had... but you can't relive these sorts of things. you just had to be there.

the first day of may i had managed to make it 800 miles across the state... to the other side, higher ground.  asheville north carolina.  the air is crisp, the sky is clear, the mountains are a sight to see.  the occasion... music.  we stumbled into a love festival as soon as we arrived.  hippies, gypsies and fariies danced around.  i purchased the best purple leather bracelet and added the trendsetting electric feathers to my already mermaid hairstyle...  let the phenomana begin.  i was there with the dj to dance insanely to Rusko.  toxic glowing matter covered our bodies, inside was a way to escape and literally feel the music.  at one point i'm pretty sure the floor moved, up and down with the energy of the room.  you don't want these things to ever end, but it did. we ended up at a hookah bar... i remember looking at artwork and then back to the hostel. back to the east coast in the morning, plenty of coffee for the road trip. it set the month off right, plenty of new inspiration for the incredibly busy month of perfect weather and beach weddings.  i continued the high along with a few other flings from april, phased them in and out again.  it was a no strings attached month, who has time when we are all back to work? tis the season.  towards the end was nice, work picked up and so did the social activity.  spent many evenings on the patio of the ocean front bar listening to him sing all his songs.   one of my favorite things, live music... especially when you personally know the artist. it's one of the best things in life... i've had plenty of private sessions that it makes the public ones that much better.  "we're just friends". woke up listening to minus the bear at sunrise, he was wrapped in a blanket, a crab pinched my toe.  the night was blurry but i remember the words that were exchanged.  may ended on a perfect high note, but what goes up must come down.

i premediated moving on to something exciting and new just a few weeks before it all happened.  June is always a good month, it leads to the climax of the summer, so those short four weeks are always wild.  my sisters moved into the beach house with me and since i waved the white flag early on and deemed it the "summer of love"... it was a good one.  they are beautfiul, inspirational creatures that cohabitated with me in our lovely beach home.  I can still smell the squash and potatoes that the baby fixed several nights a week... the scent of veggie burgers, the action in the kitchen.

just as one door closes, another opens.  i remember all the details well... i was wearing volcom jeans and a plain black volcom tee, small white stone on my shoulder blade.  i had on my puerto rican heels and a few shots of tequila... i was the only one dancing on this monday night.  lucky.  it was a lucky bet that everyone was getting a show, i don't remember who was around and paid no attention to who was watching.  he found me though, had the courage to come up to me and dance.  we put on a show. this was the first time i saw his perfect mouth close up.  we held hands and danced for hours...i remember a few words spoken.  "it's rare to find a girl that can dance".  boy, that boy could dance.  i'd never seen him before, he'd never seen me.  this is where our story begins.

i hate to give him all the credit for my creative summer,  but deserves alot of it.  he was my perfect summer surfer boy. perfect is the only adjective that describes the entire fling.  i was wearing "not like the movies" nail color...the difference was that it was exactly like the movies.  he grinned when we would talk face to face, the corners of his mouth curving upwards... "you are so wild & sexy", if he only knew.

that morning i awoke to a text that tore my world apart, mind you i was waking up with someone i'd rather not...  i screamed and cried outside of his house for most of the morning.  thank goodness for best girlfriends across the country to calm me down.  the day drug on and i felt like someone had died.  he was now dead to me and i could move on and focus on me.  i had been too self-less... i gave him everything i could. for what seemed like nothing. the tears flowed for days, the exhaustion was catching up with me and i released the anger in a self-destructive way.  late nights and tequila.  then a few days later i covered myself once again in toxic glowing matter and danced for hours in tiny sparkly shorts with the boy i was falling love with.  after standing in line for an hour outside, waiting to get in to the chaotic dub step show...the tri-fecta of gorgeous girls that we were, demanding attention and a good time.  i spotted him, white volcom t-shirt... shaggy hair, he tilts his head to the side and laughs.  "hey" it's a loss the words exchanged...but the connection was instant.  he shared his party favors with me, i danced with him against the second story railing.  later on he told me that he knew i could party at that exact moment.  i leaned in, close enough to kiss... but not so fast.  the night was drenched in sweat, beer and the pulsing of bass.  our bodies melted together amongst the sea of people, i specifically remember thinking i haven't felt a better fit.  towards the end i grabbed his hands and placed them on my thighs... as we left too soon to be satisfied with, i was hoping that it wasn't the last time our bodies would be that in sync.  i just want a dance partner.  he was a good choice.

our paths crossed a week later, unexpected... but briillant. one of my friends described me as "one of a kind, like a unicorn". hilarious considering i hooked up with the guy's older brother a few times in highschool.  it's a small town.  oh boy this boy.  he made the comment that i was the type of girl you keep up with.  we lost touch for a few days... the next encounter was one of my favorites.  i was wearing a dress that reminds me of the beatles during their trippy years and leggings that were stragteiclallly cut out along the sides, this time the ivory puerto rican wedges will do.  it is amazing the amount of balance i have in such high shoes...those puerto rican girls know what's up.  found him at goombays, i was busy dancing around in the most sober way in celebratation of the blonde one's day of birth.  with a pbr in hand and a black and red surf brand jersey, his arms are wonderful.  i kidnapped him and did a bit of bar hopping with the girls.. and boy.  ended up at the beer church which was over crowded and the music was lame, no worries.  i was too busy dancing with this new adventure.  a long island iced tea for old times sake, then we left.  this was the first night at the surf shack.  i fell in love with the swing, the porch, the wood paneling.  the 1940's shack has seen alot of summer shenanigans, i was about to add to it's stories.  glitch mob was the soundtrack to our conversation, i could hardly control my urge to jump him.  soon our faces met, it was what i expected, wonderful.  "lets take this one slow". easier said than done sir, you are so adorable.  we had the place to ourselves, i wrote my number on his dresser... then kissed him all the way to my truck.  it was near impossible to leave, as i would learn this was the feeling everytime.  i never wanted our moments to end.  the nomad that he is made it near impossible to contact him, so i let it be.  he found me.

several sunrises later and it was already july.  the heat of moment led to long days and nights of work and social interaction.  it was about getting up early and working late, then dancing until it was early again.  the cycle continues.  it made for beautiful wedding hair.  i've found that falling in love makes for the most memorable artwork.  you could see in on my face, i was truly happy and all i wanted to do was please every client.  i wanted to know their love stories, i wanted to be a part of their unforgettable day and create a gorgeous look that they could look back on for years to come.  i had reached the ultimate high point of my summer. all my hard work had paid off, i was exactly where i wanted to be.  watching the light come up from the horizon, the innocence of our relationship was rare.  it was something that i hadn't felt in years. like the middle school crush. that boy you held hands with on the playground.  many nights we spent together... he never sleeps.  we watched light come through the cracks several mornings just cuddled together.  just kisses.  one song that describes it... pretty lights remix of eric clapton's song.... after midnight.  "i'll never listen to this song the same again".  the best were the kisses.  an innocent kiss.  one too many and i couldn't handle it anymore.  he made me wait forever.  we'll say i made him wait, just for fun.  we walked to the pier at sunrise so i could eat french toast... "i've never done anything like this before". it's the simple things in life that mean the most.  breakfast with him was me falling in love.  i looked up and saw a sign that said... the happiest people in the world pass through here...  took the words right out of my mouth.

independence day.  a day to remember for a lifetime.  the love of my life was with me for just a few days, she comes from the islands.  i hate to recall all the details because due to lack of sleep and tourist germs... i had fallen very ill just before her arrival.  pulled it together and found a way to be medicated enough and still enjoy my time with her.  our usual shopping adventures and getting ready... i couldn't have planned a better night of fireworks.  sitting on the swing... boy and girl that i love, me in the middle.  so simple.  so needed.  he put his arm around me and whispered "i wouldn't want to be anywhere else right now".  we watched the show with a perfect view.  grand finale and the party returns, now it's time to dance.  the beer went down well with a swollen throat... i managed to escape with him a few times to steal much needed kisses and attention.  a hand print on the old salty window describes our private moment.  the night was insane, i let myself finally get slightly intoxicated with him, letting go isn't easy.  we slept three to a bed that night, it made for close contact.  i could feel his breath on my forehead.  but the sun always rises and it woke us up early to be on our way again.  who knows when i'll see you again, but my island girl is leaving soon...this island girl needs to escape from reality to get well.

the roller-coaster was on its way down, but there are always a few more exciting turns after the initial drop.  the one that tore me apart just a few weeks ago apologized, she called it to the moment.  they never actually go away.  we are the kind of girls you can never forget.  i needed that reassurance but decided not to act on it for awhile. the pain was still too present and i needed to let it sink in that it is possible for me to disappear forever.  days past and several unwatched movies and make.out sessions later he asks "where did you come from?" i would say right out of your dreams... because im positive now that is where you came from. july 12th does arrive sooner than expected, only 365 days ago to date i was saying goodbye to the one boy that actually loved every aspect about me. every single thing about me... i had to go.  people grace your life only for certain periods of time to create who we are, that doesn't mean they are there forever.  i do not regret any of our moments, he made the invincible woman that i am becoming.... he gave me a sense of confidence that i will never lose.  i spend this day being thankful for him and then i move on.  a few days later i finally have to give in.  "i thought i'd never get to sleep with you". minus the bear was the soundtrack... but as the story always goes, the sun comes up and we part ways.  plenty of late nights follow.  i love sitting on the roof and watching the cars drive along the closest road to sea, where are they going? most are lost, it's vacation.  we live our life like everyday is vacation.  we dance on the roof at an angle that reminds me of my highest heels... i kiss your lips and try to find the balance.  you catch me on my way down.  i can't get enough of your shoulders and the way it feels to be with you.  i still crave to see your smile in the morning, but the memories will have to be enough.  i'm shy around you.  "i'm glad we don't spend alot of time together because you make me so nervous". we hold hands and walk to beach.  laying on the blanket for hours in the silence.  the silence is nice.  i like to believe that the lack of words was enough, but now i wish i would've told you how much you meant to me.

one more trip.  warped tour the first day.  a hotel with a pool. then sublime and 311 for day two.  maybe this was our climax.  i enjoyed seeing you for over fourty-eight hours.  i wish i would've captured just one photo, just one.  but the typical protocol for my life means no evidence of my best moments.  just words.  listening to music and wandering around for hours is the perfect mix for my summer.  gym class heros, pepper, woe is me, dance gavin dance...it gets crazy towards the end.  the boys get lost on their way to the hotel and no one shares my excitement about this pool.  i shower in hopes that he'll join me and then fall sleep holding hands in my ninja turtle tee.  breakfast in the morning at doc martin's and a mall adventure.  then chocolate chip cookies that place me in another dimension.  the music comes in colorful waves.  my insane feather earrings reach the ends of my hair and add a nice touch of flare to the evening.  we dance or hours, i can't remember ever loving 311 so much.... it was because of this boy.  amber is the color of your energy. our bodies again are as one, i actually think about years in the future and picture marrying this boy.  silly yes... but i was lost in the moment.  i decided that i could and would be happy with him forever.  soon the music stops and everyone frantically tries to find their people. we sit down to rest and watch all the chaos around us.  i feel like i have finally found someone to just sit with.  someone to be with when all the chaos of the world around us is too much... we have each other.  we'll die holding hands.  the night that follows is explicit.  i will use words like breathing and touching to describe how surreal it was, or could've been.  i felt like a little kid again.  something that doesn't happen often, i was specifically placed into the world of my six year old self.  when self discovery was simple and boys were also simple creatures that never broke your heart.  seven in the morning came fast and we were separated, back to the edge.

days without you became difficult to deal with, so i covered them with paint.  since i couldn't capture a single photo of you i needed evidence that it actually happened.  i tried to paint the best moments.  the sunrise with the boys was the first.  it is one of my best pieces to date... seriously. not even one photograph!   it became a matter of patience, just waiting for the next time together.  so i became obsessed with working, constantly, in order to make time pass less painfully.  i can thank you for all of this, i became a better hairstylist, salesperson, yogi and also artist. yoga began to take over my life, i decided that i was going to be a ninja because it is the only way to survive this thing we call life.  each pose on the edge of a cliff, at any moment i could fall to my death.  you must live this way in order to achieve your dreams... else you'll hold back and regret being so safe. "lets charge it".

the irony of my choreographed life sometimes still amazes me.  maybe i was actually just laying in bed  reading a fictional story the entire time.  one day comes to mind, the day i woke up with the love of my life and ended it listening to another love play me music.  months had passed since i last heard him sing "ain't no sunshine" which i am convinced in some weird way is about me.  a broken string led to an early end to the music so he headed over to apologize in person.  i needed to hear all those words... one being "you look different".  i am different.  never again will i let anyone walk over me, never again will i hold back my feelings, never again will i let a loved one not know that i love them, never again will i apologize for telling you exactly how i feel.  this evening signifies a very monumental point in my life, one where i realized that i am an irreplaceable human and to some of those in my life, i mean the world.  "i was impressed by the way you acted throughout the entire thing, you don't give in easily". true.

perhaps he was trying to subconiously tell me that the end was near... maybe this is along the time when the other one came along. but the heat and full moon of mid august brought some passion into my life.  we had a three day adventure that would keep me on my toes and thinking back i'm glad i only slept a few hours inbetween.  he has this way of making even the most calm moment seem wild.  in perfect balance of a whirlwind of emotion.  i hadn't seen him for a week prior and i met him at lucky's, how ironic. we spent the night laughing and drinking on the roof... i convinced him to follow me to the ocean.  august brings us the warm waters and cooler air.  i kissed him as the water rushed into us... neither of us noticed the tide coming in. who could pay attention when the one you love is holding you close.  back to the shack where a blonde girl convinced me to wear her too small smoking hot heels around the remainder of the night.  i danced alone with this boy in the living room to a delirious soundtrack of pretty lights and girl talk.  my iphone held the entire playlist for the night, i was busy parading around, falling head over heels for this tan human that lives in the front room.  the sex that night was the last for us, we made it count.  words will never be able to describe how the sunrise lighting complimented his surfer shoulders.  his skin is smooth, the coloring consistent. not to mention his stomach is that of a cologne ad.  my hands hardly left any area untouched... i wanted to remember the placement and movement of every muscle. as if to memorize it for future reference.  i recall a few good moments... seeing him walking towards me on the beach, neon green board in hand.  he flips his hair alot when he is nervous.  i remember our date night awhile back... we swam in the ocean together, you held onto me..."want me to teach you to surf". too cliche. i already know how.  we get dinner at dune burger amongst the amped tourist and family reunion chaos...then to the pier where we sit on a bench for hours talking about life.  your arm stays around me the entire time, i glance around at the vacationers and laugh because they have no idea how happy i am.  i'm pretty sure we watched the sun come up, yet again on the porch swing that i am madly in love with.

the beer church host kellar williams at an inflated price of twenty-five dollars, we see the show two nights in a row.  it takes me back to a place where i felt completely comfortable in my skin, i danced around as if no one was watching.  taking in each movement.. our bodies have become accustomed to synchronized dancing. the words flowed from his mouth this night... he told me about his problem with drugs, how he felt like we had known each other always, how he thought i understood his craziness. i went home to shower that night, i needed to escape.  i knew that i was almost promised tomorrow with him, so i took my chances and left.  i kissed him goodnight. the next night's vibe is a bit exhausted, but that is to be expected.  the moon is full and we sit outside and talk.  he looks at me and says "if we happen to lose touch, we should plan to get together next year and go to all good festival".  i'm down for that.  the night's antics become more absurd.  he introduces me to everyone he works with at ...everyone is too far gone to remember.  i stay sober to drive us all home.  his close friend asks me if i realize how much that boy likes me.... i may have a small idea?  the boy blushes and looks the opposite direction, quickly changing the subject.  he stays up all night, i can't fathom another all nighter and fall asleep in his bed, he leans over me for awhile and we talk, then he kisses my check.  the morning brings me to convince him to sleep in his bed... we hold hands and i rest an hour before brunch with friends.  a kiss on his forehead goodbye is all i get. i won't see him again for too many days. i lose count.

the calm before the storm.  a hurricane threatens all of our livelihoods. it threatens our memories, our priceless things.... threatens to destroy the island we call home.  i'm glad we took that girls lunch to rodanthe.  we reminisced on the memories of the s-turns. how crystal they appear at dawn and how the dunes glowed when lit by a full moon.  while we were south the earthquake hit, it was a wild event. not something you experience everyday.  our girls date was cut short due to the numerous jobs we are forced to work.  luckily i had the day off and got to enjoy time with some boys and a bike ride and vivid sunset.  i realized that great photographers are hardly ever captured by film, i qualify.  the image that is captured isn't how others view it anyway, so why bother.  with the energy from the storm and a badass move i conquer in yoga, i work up the courage to send a message to the boy.  i'm excited at his response, i may get the chance to see him one last time before this storm ruins life as we know it.  the last day was magical.  all my favorite things before the end.  swimming in the ocean was one of the wildest feelings... you could feel the force she demanded. within minutes the surge had increased and it was no longer safe to be within her.  plenty of bike riding and dinner at food dudes.  we hung out with mary jane for a bit... then to meet the boys at chili peppers.  the back yard reminds me of a secret garden, we play games then decide to leave.  they are going to richmond to escape the storm, always leaving too soon. one last kiss.  i can feel it strong this time... i hope this intense feeling is mutual.  im dramatic and tell him i'll see him someday soon. my hair tied back in a tight bun, purple off the shoulder shirt and long white skirt.  we laugh and kiss some more, our friends catch us being ridiculous.  it's fun to pretend to be a kid, this boy makes me feel like a little girl with a crush.  i laugh and blow him a kiss goodbye. i hope he fares well during this storm.  late that night i write a beautiful poem, haven't been inspired to create a poem in awhile.  i finally admit to it in writing. i'm in love with this boy.

then september. i enjoyed my gypsy getaway in raleigh with wonderful old friends. it's a wondrous thing to be anonymous, to be able to let go and go unnoticed. just for one night.  of course dancing was involved. it was a much desired weekend to place myself in uncharted territory.  to escape the eyes of those that are watching your every move.  but i was ready to return to the edge of the continent; to witness first hand the destruction that mother nature causes, without even asking.

sunglasses at night.

bril·liance  n.

1. The state or quality of being brilliant, as:

a. Extreme brightness.

b. Exceptional clarity and agility of intellect or invention.

2. Splendor; magnificence.

3. Music Sharpness and clarity of tone.

it's that extra bit of energy that pushes you to the next level.  he was that inspiration.  it's not the fact that times are with each second coming to an end, but rather the story is getting more intriguing. i'm guessing the next few months will offer options.  like alice in wonderland, the corridor of doors awaits.

the beauty of music pushes me around each day. the curiosity of their emotion behind each song is enough to get me up in the morning to discover more feelings. they are what make me happy.  it's of main focus these days, because i have no time to waste worrying.  i gave up anxiety like cigarettes, only to light one occasionally with a glass of wine.  the pleasure of freedom is electric right now. the moment right before you jump...

the beginning is sooner than later.  it's strange really when you realize that you are in a dream.  one in particular. as a child i would have a reoccurring vision of a band playing on a deck, the colors are red and the theme is circus freaks. i remember the smells, the atmosphere... the feel. clowns and giraffes decorate the side stage.  the dream continues after i leave and travel a dirt road to visit an old man in a shack.  he stays there all the time painting clown dolls and he tells me stories. his creature would frighten the common person, but i am not afraid because i know he has something to teach me.  

as i stood there and realized the guitar i loved so much was covered with my favorite dr. seuss characters, he smashed it. all over the stage.  a touch of shock came over me, and that was that.  broken.  he said that he didn't mean to break it... but he liked my story.  

the guitar is what sparked the interest.  it was most unique and quirky.  his red and black striped shirt matched the dimly lit beach bar.  it's quite the magical place for love in your twenties.  just now i realized that most of past my adventures began here. lucky number 12. ironic.  the checkered floor tiles are always covered in liquid at 2am, the island humidity and lost souls contribute to the chaos.

the music he creates is so loud and full of emotion.  he captures moments in history and the greatest songs of time perfectly.  he is different each time, but yet somehow i recognize him.  the fascination began here. i needed to see more of him.  this was years ago, at the very beginning of my search for love and sex.  the balance is what i'm trying to formulate.  i hear that love is patient. it takes time... you have to make it.  i think "they" are right.

when all the moments lead up to something you wanted, it's better than anything you can dream.  that is life.  i painted my finger nails red only to discover that it cut my time short.  it compelled a friend to pay me a life changing compliment...it provoked tears on the phone with my mother.  it was life changing because it was something i thought i would never see; and when you do, it makes you believe. northbound to my weekend adventure.  

i smiled when he walked by, he makes me nervous... what do you say to someone you've seen so much of but don't really know?  everyone knows him, but not one of us really know him .  that's the price you pay for fame.  everyone wants a piece when you are a rockstar.

i'll skip ahead to shots of tequila in a mansion like house on a deserted island in october.  the entire event to save the wild horses that roam the beach.  amazing really if you stop and think about it... 
i'm there with friends that i adore and bands that i've seen almost every show, at every event, almost every night of the week for an entire season... it kept me busy.  i was just so inspired by this family of musicians that can create such dark music with a talent for swing covers, elvis presley and the beatles.  while still being able to get the crowd excited about "twist and shout".  i'll never be able to describe in words the energy and trouble this "family band" created.  it was like we lived in the time of musical rebellion... when dancing was "the devil"... actually their music is the devil, so the 'southerners' would say.  i loved every minute of it. 

the dark side is what attracted me.  there is a sense of evil i'm curious about in his character.  the green of his eyes doesn't help... it's hard to look away.  his lips curl up in the corners, reminds me of cheshire cat.  a sneaky mystery that comes and goes.  throughout these thoughts i started to play around with him in the kitchen.  everyone eventually retires to other more interesting activities... finally i have some alone time with him.  i'll set up the scene.  fireplace. red sunglasses. red nail polish. three story mansion.  a cat and a fox.  we dance well together.  the beauty here is in the details, but they are impossible to describe.  instead the experience inspired me for years.  the emotions and feelings i got with him reminded me of why i live.  why i live so recklessly. why i give everything to feel. strong feelings of loss and love.  they are what drive me forward.  he said he felt the same way.  its bizarre how the nights you'll never forget, you just can't seem to remember.  i want the details in words so badly, but i'll have to wait.  the pain i woke up feeling was the most revitalizing pleasure in the world.  i wanted this all along.

some people leave permanent marks on your life.  others you'll never think of again.  i like to consider those that are permanent with genius.  it's their brain that alters the others and makes them different.  those who don't change much remember the difference.  those of us who constantly change, we have a hard time recalling characters... you have to really be unique.  to not be temporary you must be memorable.  he said to leave a mark, i left a trail of invisible destruction.  he left his in the form of raw inspiration.  the kind that inspires you to change the world. 

preserve the present
with a mark 
that feels but 
ceases to exist.
clench the flesh
that is your
exterior. the
one i've held before
in another time.
whether in a
dream or once
upon a time...
i can hardly contain
my convulsions 
that you create
with your pose.
your teeth 
sink into me.
some think pain is 
pleasure. it's a feeling
that lasts.