bril·liance n.
1. The state or quality of being brilliant, as:
a. Extreme brightness.
b. Exceptional clarity and agility of intellect or invention.
2. Splendor; magnificence.
3. Music Sharpness and clarity of tone.
it's that extra bit of energy that pushes you to the next level. he was that inspiration. it's not the fact that times are with each second coming to an end, but rather the story is getting more intriguing. i'm guessing the next few months will offer options. like alice in wonderland, the corridor of doors awaits.
the beauty of music pushes me around each day. the curiosity of their emotion behind each song is enough to get me up in the morning to discover more feelings. they are what make me happy. it's of main focus these days, because i have no time to waste worrying. i gave up anxiety like cigarettes, only to light one occasionally with a glass of wine. the pleasure of freedom is electric right now. the moment right before you jump...
the beginning is sooner than later. it's strange really when you realize that you are in a dream. one in particular. as a child i would have a reoccurring vision of a band playing on a deck, the colors are red and the theme is circus freaks. i remember the smells, the atmosphere... the feel. clowns and giraffes decorate the side stage. the dream continues after i leave and travel a dirt road to visit an old man in a shack. he stays there all the time painting clown dolls and he tells me stories. his creature would frighten the common person, but i am not afraid because i know he has something to teach me.
as i stood there and realized the guitar i loved so much was covered with my favorite dr. seuss characters, he smashed it. all over the stage. a touch of shock came over me, and that was that. broken. he said that he didn't mean to break it... but he liked my story.
the guitar is what sparked the interest. it was most unique and quirky. his red and black striped shirt matched the dimly lit beach bar. it's quite the magical place for love in your twenties. just now i realized that most of past my adventures began here. lucky number 12. ironic. the checkered floor tiles are always covered in liquid at 2am, the island humidity and lost souls contribute to the chaos.
the music he creates is so loud and full of emotion. he captures moments in history and the greatest songs of time perfectly. he is different each time, but yet somehow i recognize him. the fascination began here. i needed to see more of him. this was years ago, at the very beginning of my search for love and sex. the balance is what i'm trying to formulate. i hear that love is patient. it takes time... you have to make it. i think "they" are right.
when all the moments lead up to something you wanted, it's better than anything you can dream. that is life. i painted my finger nails red only to discover that it cut my time short. it compelled a friend to pay me a life changing compliment...it provoked tears on the phone with my mother. it was life changing because it was something i thought i would never see; and when you do, it makes you believe. northbound to my weekend adventure.
i smiled when he walked by, he makes me nervous... what do you say to someone you've seen so much of but don't really know? everyone knows him, but not one of us really know him . that's the price you pay for fame. everyone wants a piece when you are a rockstar.
i'll skip ahead to shots of tequila in a mansion like house on a deserted island in october. the entire event to save the wild horses that roam the beach. amazing really if you stop and think about it...
i'm there with friends that i adore and bands that i've seen almost every show, at every event, almost every night of the week for an entire season... it kept me busy. i was just so inspired by this family of musicians that can create such dark music with a talent for swing covers, elvis presley and the beatles. while still being able to get the crowd excited about "twist and shout". i'll never be able to describe in words the energy and trouble this "family band" created. it was like we lived in the time of musical rebellion... when dancing was "the devil"... actually their music is the devil, so the 'southerners' would say. i loved every minute of it.
the dark side is what attracted me. there is a sense of evil i'm curious about in his character. the green of his eyes doesn't help... it's hard to look away. his lips curl up in the corners, reminds me of cheshire cat. a sneaky mystery that comes and goes. throughout these thoughts i started to play around with him in the kitchen. everyone eventually retires to other more interesting activities... finally i have some alone time with him. i'll set up the scene. fireplace. red sunglasses. red nail polish. three story mansion. a cat and a fox. we dance well together. the beauty here is in the details, but they are impossible to describe. instead the experience inspired me for years. the emotions and feelings i got with him reminded me of why i live. why i live so recklessly. why i give everything to feel. strong feelings of loss and love. they are what drive me forward. he said he felt the same way. its bizarre how the nights you'll never forget, you just can't seem to remember. i want the details in words so badly, but i'll have to wait. the pain i woke up feeling was the most revitalizing pleasure in the world. i wanted this all along.
some people leave permanent marks on your life. others you'll never think of again. i like to consider those that are permanent with genius. it's their brain that alters the others and makes them different. those who don't change much remember the difference. those of us who constantly change, we have a hard time recalling characters... you have to really be unique. to not be temporary you must be memorable. he said to leave a mark, i left a trail of invisible destruction. he left his in the form of raw inspiration. the kind that inspires you to change the world.
preserve the present
with a mark
that feels but
ceases to exist.
clench the flesh
that is your
exterior. the
one i've held before
in another time.
whether in a
dream or once
upon a time...
i can hardly contain
my convulsions
that you create
with your pose.
your teeth
sink into me.
some think pain is
pleasure. it's a feeling
that lasts.
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