"are you upset with me?"

how could i be? for those so deeply and transitional in the universe____ this Love also transcends, through all levels   all days   all years   all moments   all worlds   all seasons   all storms. grounded like an old oak tree, the roots run deep into the soil____ so many layers of veins tangled and guided for stability of an ever present imagination. swaying, the flexible and fearless limbs above ground are supported yet connectively free.

flowing. i feel the tension in my temples.

333.

"It was the pure Language of the World. It required no explanation, just as the universe needs none as it travels through endless time. What the boy felt at that moment was that he was in the presence of the only woman in his life, and that, with no need for words, she recognized the same thing. He was more certain of it than of anything in the world. He had been told by his parents and grandparents that he must fall in love and really know a person before becoming committed. But maybe people who felt that way had never learned the universal language. Because, when you know that language, it's easy to understand that someone in the world awaits you, whether it's in the middle of the desert or in some great city. And when two such people encounter each other, and their eyes meet, the past and the future become unimportant. There is only that moment, and the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand only. It is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. Without such love, one's dreams would have no meaning."

---the alchemist 

wolves.

prancing back and forth
in quick playful circles.



a mess of fur
caught in the teeth
of the player.



feeding one's rush for
passion at an
instant...
bite. of flesh
off the tip of his
ear.



fear not, for we are
safe here in each
other's body curvature
where the warmth
is held in between
breaths.



luring and tricking
each other in
side of one another
nibbling and scratching
the surface.
howling at the moon
only takes a few
moments to
realize that he
is in fact one of
your own.



there is no escaping the
outcome
of the past.
we scurry off into
the dark brush of the
city lights and
lick our
wounds.
gracefully planning
out the careful
and quiet footsteps
each one
underestimating
the sinful
but powerful
occurrence that
led us to this...

march 2013

depth over distance.

the new moon.

rising in the sign of libra, ruler of partnerships. 

intentions for this cycle are tricky... 

planning to release and burn all that does not serve me 

& ask for (in detail) new, fiery challenges and rewards.

•  feel free
• sing out the pain
• learn/enhance yoga practice
• become deeper spiritually
• hear the whispers of the universe
• reinvent my essence
• imagine a change in scenery
• put myself out into the world
• dance with fire
• express my visions 

i found this website and it felt good to read these words:

The term from quantum physics,“quantum leap”, comes to mind.  A quantum leap means: a phenomena where an electron orbiting the nucleus of an atom changes its position without having traversed the space between its old and new orbit and without taking any time to do so.  As scientifically verifiable as this phenomena is, it is also on the order of a miracle, for science has no explanation how this effect happens. This experience of waking up to the power of your own transformation fires you up to change the world.

As Sri Swami Satchidananda says, “Yoga believes in transforming the individual before transforming the world. Whatever change we want to happen outside should happen within. If you walk in peace and express that peace in your very life, others will see you and learn something.” In a teacher training tribe you are learning at a faster rate exponentially. You feed off of one another’s passion and it makes everyone burn brighter. You are constantly being built up to reach higher into your best potentiality.

Something magical and mystical happens when a group of high-intentioned individuals make the decision to gather together for 200 hours with the purpose of uplifting their lives & expanding their consciousness into radical authenticity. 

- See more at: http://yoganonymous.com/yoga-teacher-training-changes-your-life/#sthash.Pwrm32Jr.dpuf

a·nat·o·my

the study of the structure or internal workings of something.


all the parts, muscles, fibers... work together to create what we study as the human body. like nature, it already has the power, force and knowledge to care for it's self. we spend hours learning how each fiber is attached... all the information one could handle on a single sunday afternoon. to absorb as a sponge each detail so that we can better help and serve those bodies that come to class. fascinated with the idea that each piece works in unison with all the others. i am curious and will continue to explore.

i wish to elaborate more

but 5am comes early, i must rest now.

misspelled/lowercase.

to serve it to you lightly...



all the you know is gone.
all that you were is no longer serving you.
all that was, will never be again.

"let me be now."

i made the mistake of holding on too tight and in turn he slipped through the bones that connected themselves once before... again and again he has closed this door, only for me to find another way in. now it is locked and all the keys i can find will never fit... for the one i need is locked inside.

but he stills feels me. it's a tie that bound us long ago... tethered by the grace of our existence. the challenge of uncrossing the lines for the better of both of us is required.



something new, more enhanced... awaits. i pray for a teacher(s) to help me unfold in a classical form.

black cat.

cross my path
     swiftly
     mysteriously escaping           
     one side ___
     anxious to discover
     alternate sensations
     only a glimpse
     free from limitations
     a shadow in the night
     rare to catch the day
     alone in route
     chasing a future
     capture of prey
     falls victim
     to golden green
disappearing eyes. 

saline.

trails & uneven flow of lines
         travel the unknown
stillness of
               natural progression
                           regression

letting go of
            the fibers that bind
release of
            the egos that defeat
to form the solution of the sea.

disconnect.

when the time doesn't wander off
i can't ever have enough. happens
because i plan to make it a lasting
significance and closing my eyes
is a thing of the past. minutes will
continue to move forward and so
does the need to escape. fluttering
along in a passive form; simply a
wink to solidify the absurdity that
i constantly place myself. delicate
to never disturb the precious layer
of dust that has collected while we
were off with others. quickly to let
me go  ever so pleasurable to exit
scene, just to fall back into unusual

                       patterns.

where did you go?

I'll see you on the other side
     where we both are
               never falling short of our
   own differences.

when the subtle details have feeling
       again & we are free of the
             hurt from this eve
                  worlds away

    in another land in time
i hope to hold you closer
          than ever before
         tangled in a mess of your

life that used to so delicately
           grace my very being
                       and all the miles
       we have covered
                in between.

    fond of a journey that never
          holds us down but
                    exceeds the universal
                     law of order so that

    one day... far from now
                    we can fall again
                    & adore the selves
                        that we have found.

twenty.four.hours.

the regretfulness lingers of the day and how i used up too many minutes with my eyes closed. i missed a colorful sunset and the chance to stretch under the full moon. i missed too many kisses from my lover because the timing was cut too short. damn it, i feel so emotionally angered at my negligence to recognize all the beauty that is my current life here on the west coast.


all within the past and future days, cells in my body have been moving and shifting with such rapid speed that i can hardly keep them contained. spilling out over a mess of silver blue curls... i let my hair down for the weekend and get all the important things packed away in bags, zipped up to the brim and ready to be thrown under the airplane.


the assistance and inconsistent consistency of trains guide us toward one another as we meet at union station late saturday afternoon, our time is broadened only by mere minutes that we make it back to a place of rest. i can't believe that he is real, standing at the station patiently awaiting my arrival. we are nervous and quiet until we board the blue line back to downtown, he grabs my leg and i lay my head on his shoulder... at last i feel at peace.

we are at a fast paced peace of trying to piece together what scraps of time we have left, only hours that keep counting themselves down with no mercy for our needs. the evening we collect is full of holding each other so tight, kisses that feel better than i could ever remember... and his mouth placed along the gift that i have given to him. my body aches and craves his essence. fingers placed delicately in the folds of what is my soul bearing temple of light. he has the touch to make it all release.

we eat a late night meal under the moon's white blue light and i can't even begin to understand the beauty that we have become. for a speck of time i stare in awe of this silhouette, curious to how it became what it is today. all the tears i have cried over the past year for and with this boy... now i see clearly. he is a mirage ====== something of my imagination ====== i've never seen someone so stunningly, tragically, perfectly, defined and femininely organized exactly to my taste. i am in love.

many more "first" later, i have to accomplish these goals. driving a car across the state together early in the sunday morning is time we can remember. he said tonight that it felt like a comedic romantic movie as i drove off, he watched me go and worried that i wouldn't maintain alone. i did well and enjoyed this little bit of freedom to travel along the fast tracks of the california freeway. only to be let down by the text message that his job was a flaw and we could've just stayed together instead.

now that we are separated i can't seem to put us back together again in any fashion that fits and the tears continue to fall... down my cheeks and neck out of pure helplessness for the lost situation. i am furious that i won't be able to hold him or be held for nearly two months.... that when we do join, everything will be different. it will have fallen down to the change of seasons and we will have to adjust to these... new figures.

appropriate.

last night fuller gives me the official... summer news. he is seeing someone else. i knew this "news" someone new is always inspirationally interesting. i understand...

as an artist we must continually court the idea of this newness so we can create. i get it. i am doing a rather similar dance and it has caused me to fall quite in a tipsy fashion of love. the amount of love you give... is the amount you get...  right? 

but i feel him far away and late last night i felt as if a flame may have been dimmed as i fell asleep alone. the universe might just be playing a few tricks on me to ease the leaving of the left coast, but i have only hours left and if i don't get to hold his most beautiful, handsome face... i might actually forget what he looks like before i return. it hurts. guess that is the game we play.

what i would give right now to see it all, but i must have the ability to settle with my immediate surroundings. placing several cards down to take a chance on my own vulnerability.. i believe i'll take the train to LA to get some reading done and maybe stumble into the shadow of a lover that i once had. 

progression.

noun.

 - a movement or development toward a destination or a move advanced state, especially gradually or in stages.

 - a succession; a series. 

 - (music) a passage or movement from one note or chord to another. 

as i drink a glass of whiskey on the bed (in need of a prompt refill) covered in bleach and foil to achieve a look that is less than usual... at least those that are "normal" will comment on the strangeness of my (well) being. hm. 

as london said it best... he could have a line of girlfriends and you'll walk up to the front and just smile, a kiss and a hug (forever) you will reside. true.

the progress of my advancement is yet to be seen. it will take many (many) more months before i will even be able to understand the movement that has taken place. my right of passage is just a victory march that you will never understand. you have to see it to believe it... else i am too busy to even understand the evolution of this journey. the growth of my beauty is astounding.. to a point that i won't even recognize the creature that i have become. 

in a series of events.. i still exist on all plains. the sequence of events is yet to be discovered and as he strings me along... i am a heavy stream of emotion. this chain reaction is just a concatenation of how consistent this train keeps pushing on. yes, i will eventually have all my "ducks" in a row and with the cycle of seasons, love will indeed prevail.

as he pretends to (disconnect) himself as a self defense... i prepare myself for what is, was and will be my future tense of events. the beautiful and young, redefined and existent mick jagger waits for my "lunatic" soul to shake him up again. i remember the days... and the sounds that make me (present) tense. 

missing.

where am i supposed to be? (the quiet little voice in my head stammers)

days ago i missed a show that i would have done anything to see... so i could be here? in california? i feel at a loss these days and take the day for extended napping and practicing chord progressions. for what though... while all the "others" are rejoicing over flamed meat for the this supposed holiday of laborers. together getting drunk, in the company of friends... just to have a harder time functioning on tuesday morning. can you tell my mood?

the vague moodiness of an artist is hard to explain. i couldn't explain to you why my sudden change in worldly ideals happens, i guess it is because the chemicals in my brain are physically imbalanced. whatever.


i am missing him too. missing the touch of a human that has such passion towards me that he was able to wake me from a dead sleep just so we could watch the sunrise together on the phone. i had intentions of painting that sunrise today... but i slept instead. our conversation was compelling and thanks to a little white substance, he was awake and over analyzing everything. our relationship was based on false pretenses... and he wanted to ensure that neither of us would repeat this offense to each other. with no intentions of straying, i reassure him that he is the only one... and at this phase in my life, i wouldn't mind if he was the only one from now on. i can see our future together, cuddled... right?

all black. all black is the thoughts of the future. his voice was unwinding his thoughts and at one point i felt like all the cells in my body were melting... as if he was going to tell me that it was impossible to be monogamous with me, but that wasn't his point at all... he was trying to say that i was the only one. isn't that what i wanted to hear all along?

i rest my eyes because the left on hurts so bad that this must be what a migraine feels like... i've lost control of even caring about how this day unfolds and waste it detoxing my over exaggerated brain. now the sun sets and another night falls... should i go outside? or just stay in and start to pack my bags.
the east coast begins to call me; the security of the known and unknown is what i've been chasing... one week from now i'll be missing this side.