where am i supposed to be? (the quiet little voice in my head stammers)
days ago i missed a show that i would have done anything to see... so i could be here? in california? i feel at a loss these days and take the day for extended napping and practicing chord progressions. for what though... while all the "others" are rejoicing over flamed meat for the this supposed holiday of laborers. together getting drunk, in the company of friends... just to have a harder time functioning on tuesday morning. can you tell my mood?
the vague moodiness of an artist is hard to explain. i couldn't explain to you why my sudden change in worldly ideals happens, i guess it is because the chemicals in my brain are physically imbalanced. whatever.
i am missing him too. missing the touch of a human that has such passion towards me that he was able to wake me from a dead sleep just so we could watch the sunrise together on the phone. i had intentions of painting that sunrise today... but i slept instead. our conversation was compelling and thanks to a little white substance, he was awake and over analyzing everything. our relationship was based on false pretenses... and he wanted to ensure that neither of us would repeat this offense to each other. with no intentions of straying, i reassure him that he is the only one... and at this phase in my life, i wouldn't mind if he was the only one from now on. i can see our future together, cuddled... right?
all black. all black is the thoughts of the future. his voice was unwinding his thoughts and at one point i felt like all the cells in my body were melting... as if he was going to tell me that it was impossible to be monogamous with me, but that wasn't his point at all... he was trying to say that i was the only one. isn't that what i wanted to hear all along?
i rest my eyes because the left on hurts so bad that this must be what a migraine feels like... i've lost control of even caring about how this day unfolds and waste it detoxing my over exaggerated brain. now the sun sets and another night falls... should i go outside? or just stay in and start to pack my bags.
the east coast begins to call me; the security of the known and unknown is what i've been chasing... one week from now i'll be missing this side.