summoned.

i have reason to believe that indeed things are not what they used to be. giving the day options to keep moving and perceive it as an opportunity to unfold without my discretion... it was a well made decision. the comfort of a new option... eyes crystal clear and charmed, perfectly placed with the consistent disposition of an eternal flame. colors of pale eggshell blue, orange fire and vintage brown became our entertainment until the moon was all that was left. here i am. my journey awaits my arrival and days like today remind me that the initiation has transformed my existence, in rare form i seem to attract ...                                        

                               "i have to take this call."

climax.

a s  the   k e y s fall  i  a m  s ea r ch ing for  s  p  a  c  e  and   t  i  m  e.  n o t able t o  claim  o u  r  e s s en ce   . .  . "not involved!?!"  from d e e p  i n s i d e r e a c h i n g o r g a s m i c  proportions  w i t h  this b e ing   u s  u s  us  us  u s

                            so what if now   i   o n l y  h a v e  this   m e m o r y  of  what was   o n c e   o u r s.
                           
m a k e i t. m a k e i t. m a k e i t. break it. "what do we do?"
                                                                                                                   e v o l v e
                                                                                                                             c r ea t e
                                                                                                                 take  o u r  time
we already know how to make it.
dare you to take it  ..  and  b r e a k i t.

Triptych.

(for Organ..........)
Noel Goemanne (1926-2010)
"From the unreal lead me to the real,
  From darkness lead me to light,
  From death lead me to immortality."
from The Upanishads

bringing... inner peace. meditation. eternal joy.

with all the collection
graciously blessed
with patience and
a beautiful
piece
of
sleeping
art
woodwork.

this day is brighter than sunshine
stronger than moonshine
taking chance and beginning to let
the inner chords ring out into the
open air.
what a relief.
it felt good to feel
the thick, authentic
realization of salvation.

la femme.

in a struggle to put proper words together  to describe this experience... a few days ago walking around in a dream within a dream. the anxiety of "is this really happening" took my courage from my cells and left me with only mild social distortion and i couldn't say a thing.

              not that he would've remembered... any of them, they might as well just carry on with their exceptional performances and relish in this american excitement. the french form of psych-pop surf rock is a taste you don't have everyday and had i the words at that time "it's a pleasure to meet you in this life, i believe we met in a dream once before" would've settled the score. the magic alone of already seeing the two-tone black and white hair style... red pants and small character features of his familiar stature, enough to reassure thou that "that" is the point.

            holy fuck. jump off the edge of your self-conscious tight rope. there isn't enough time
               anymore.

                                                                                                                                enchante.

spider web.

the details of a spiders' web are interconnected in harmony, each thread... a parallel placement to another. it's structure, the very foundation of those threads must first be placed with a leap of faith; those few fibers are what he depends on to hold all of his life's work together. 

sacred space.

all the time and space
we can see clarity in
between the lines.
"you are beautiful"
crossed with "can you
forgive me?" for what
you (we) did to each
other. existing once
again in human form,
the type with skin &
bones. again. again.
he reaches out to take
a nip from my boney
shoulder just to make
sure. sure as the sun
will rise my love, i am
still here with you.
in love with your lucid
dreams. in love with
your liquid thoughts.
in love with your ....


holding the quiet
crystal orb, fragile like
crystals swirling, sparkles
in your eyes... i look
into them and see that
you are, as well... the
same. never again shall
i love another as you.
promises can not be
made that you won't
leave me again... i know
our time will come.
but know that if i ever
do go... i love you.

"i'm glad we can still
talk... even when you
are gone."

irony is full price tonight.

but educated guess is half off...

consequently the science behind the scenes is better left unsaid. yesterday was a thrilling day in the calm sense; rising early with the sun is a better way to accomplish the many task at hand. stretching and moving the essence of what is already ours to partake, but you must learn how to use it first. catharsis(ical) is a proper made up word to describe my latest mood.

thank goodness i am "home".
walking around i now perceive memories... ones good, bad, indifferent. this time a shadow follows me, but he is no where to be found. the approach requires a new angle and without detail... i found it. for the change to undertake, you much first release all that does not serve. the repetition of this is an important concept to reach the highest potential. there is no time to explain and no evidence. so i create it. it takes one person .... then another. .... then another .. .. then another .. another ... another ...

dinner with the loveliest of lovelies was serendipitous. arriving at paradise was a spontaneous event and with absolute purpose we had fabulous wine and food and a beautiful "set" of servers. i am starting to understand the combination of human relation. with the help of gorgeous interconnectivity and friends doing what they are meant to do... well, we'll all arrive in a bette place. she leaves for paris next week and with many hopes from above, i pray that a few months with lead us to coffee & discovering europe. divine intervention is a term for a miracle caused by deity's active involvement in the human world. 

flight 782 to LAX.

the day was an odd collection of events, separated by spans of time that kept me still. it was lovely travels to the airport with the sister... passing through country fields of yellow and fluffy white clouds in such an autumn blue sky. i arrived a bit too early for my first flight... which turned into delay after delay after delay. deciding to stay entertained i walked over to the bar across from A5 to have some soup and a hot tea, joining my cup was a splash of jim. doodling triangles on a napkin and making small talk over text messages... until my flight was supposed to board. one hour turned to almost two and we were finally in the air somewhere over virginia. taking the time to quickly fall asleep... as not to think too much about the continuance of my flights.

awake at the time i was supposed to board my next flight... we have yet to touch the ground. in an interior panic i tried to imagine my next moves. feeling stranded and a bit helpless, i patiently waited to exit the plane... in hopes that a miracle would appear. B7 was magically just across the way and in more of a surprise... the plane was waiting for me. each seat was accounted for with an exception of maybe three towards the back, i took my chances beside what felt like a perfect stranger. normally the middle seat wouldn't even tempt me in the least... but this felt "right". i was still shaking and a bit frazzled from the thought of what chaos could've occurred. he began to say words that sounded comforting. judging by his clear blue eyes and blond curls... i think we've met before.

"where are you from? where are you going? .... welcome to los angeles" he spilled out into the stagnant jet plane air. before i had time to process his friendliness ... he was already figuring me out. it felt good to hear his voice, some how the sound comforted me. my anxiety began to settle and soon a wave of calm fell over my body... "you live in Long Beach too?" he stammered. "yes, yes indeed". in amazement i looked into his eyes, he is so easy to look into... to see. i took time to assess his demeanor, his lips... teeth... his curls... all of which felt real. within only minutes i realized that this flight across the country would be much different from all the rest.


just after six after six the plane left earth and proceeded to ten thousand feet above what i used to know. pain was still dwelling inside of me and it took a moment for me to relax and let this one even get close... it took him only a few minutes to pull out pasta and pizza, letting all tray tables down so we could have dinner. with only one fork to share for the meal... enjoying the company. in a very "first date" odd fashion we barely touched the food and instead filled ourselves with words, questions and random bits of insight... then he took his earbuds out of his bag and gave me the left one, he took the right and began to play for us a very intense collection of music. pulling out books of poems and graphic design manuals... i read rumi's collection of wisdom, delicately remembering the details of these love poem's and of course relating them to my own personal situation. it felt right to just absorb his thoughts and sounds with our souls in common, but surrounded in silence.


"i'll take a hot tea... and jack on the side"

"they have hot tea? oh... i would love some"

my drink of choice is something that he has chosen to not indulge in... sober triumphs and i resist the urge to participate, but instead continue on about my own path. i am indeed my own self and for this he is intrigued. "darling" my stomach clinches and i can feel this coldness in my heart, as if it hurts too much to recognize what just happened... what is clearly happening here. his charming ways twirling about and i am almost compelled to become vulnerable, but instead i resist my own temptation of advising this theory. we are too entranced in this first impression that i keep the innocence as he uses his words to reveal as many secrets as possible. without hesitation he goes on about this "twin flame" of his... i can relate and with pure amazement in my understanding he tells me even more. showing him the infinite light of the overlapping candles and their matching flames, it is the small overlap that causes bliss, the rest is unrealistic pain. but it is in people's darkness that we feel and learn the most about others... it is the shadows that we reveal a true human. in human form we experience and feel the emotions, moments fleeting but the feelings are left to linger. now what? several hours later, we are still caught up in one another and i can feel some sort of energy being placed back inside... discussing the details of quantum entanglement and how the vibrations span across the universe, creating different pulses with each other's own revelations. it is the other relationships that we possess that enhance that one true one... the truth is that without all the other colors, we can not create the masterpiece.

pulling on power cords i decided to display only what feels good... the rest can be saved for another day and time. i am too excited and i suppose the caffeinated tea excelled my heart rate to exceed its normal beat...ing. feeling alive is something that i haven't felt since my flame flickered out... of reach. even if we never see each other again... the likelihood of that is unlikely.  a magnetic pull is a force that even well disciplined depression can not fight. i do not wish to fight it, but instead i am going to let this one simmer. we finish the almost six hour journey with more songs and laughter over a text that his mom sent him about being at an art gallery in DC... "i don't want to look at it anymore... it is too much" she said in an anxious way, as if she was completely exhausted. i felt the same.

he put me over the edge and we pinky promised that we would let things unfold as they would... he walked me to baggage, collected my number in his pharaoh covered iPhone... after which a hug and a comment about my curls... he was gone.

shadow.

gathering my things to go back to the west side, i stumbled through a few of my written pages. one year ago was written and red, without much detail ... tangled with this creature. tangled in such a way that no other word will ever describe "it" better than... entanglement. if i didn't have the brief pen marks and a velvet black scarf, a book of poems given... well i'd believe that i made him all up. though he was real then, he is now false and no matter the amount of saline that falls from my lids... nothing will bring him back to this life. the life that we once lived was too bright and beautiful to be real; maybe it was only meant to be fiction, published... years from now. either way, i am blessed to say that in such a manner we let down the walls, briefly, to see what was inside. now living feels numb and i am at a loss of my former self. she died. a ghost that haunts me and his handsome face... flashes in the moonlight of my memory.

innovator.

someone who is the first to introduce into reality something better than before. 

throwing caution to the wind and accepting all that follows. all that was is over. taking rest to find some thread of peace. finding the challenge in silence and sober nights... sleep. take hold of what is to come; reigns that brace future endeavors and all of the reputation you are willing to stake. coming up slow, fast, vast, brilliant. collect what serves you, release what does not. an artist life is full of strife, pain and sorrow. one's life can not be simply put and guided, but it must be a chaotic blend of experiences, adventures and gestures. we all must accept the light that is our very own and continue to pursue the bliss from within. as we connect the "dots", finding ourselves entangled with a flame that might burn us to death, but i'm willing to take that chance. 

golden eyes.

"i like your eye color.."

"what color do you see?"

"like a hazel..."

"amber?"

"more like gold, they said jesus had golden eyes."


in the midst of the evening a turn of circumstances brought in the coldest of air. chilled to the bone i wasn't able to shake off the stale feeling... all i wanted was a hot bath. so far from home... only a familiar skeleton of what i used to care for. after the first song, after waiting ALLLLLL that time to see this band.... i walked out. i had heard it before, i didn't feel like saying any words. yes, hearing that i am "beautiful" throughout the day is a blessing, i suppose. i am thankful for these words, but in my dark phase i'd rather have something else to say. the hashing of repeated phrases and thoughts. i did speak with the girl whose hair glows of gold and she said what i could've said to myself. "paying for an apartment that i'm not living in ... in a city, well i'm not ready to leave here yet, the city will be there" but the phase "it's not really going anywhere" (here) is the key to what i collected. she is intriguingly beautiful, i guess i should have said that out loud.

      my slight desire to get the vinyl signed almost kept me around, but after spotting a creative balance of trying to be everywhere and no where at once... i decided that i would just leave without it. i am a fan, always will be... but the sound is a bit too loud for my liking at this moment. time to exit scene.

theory.

"Quantum entanglement says that two particles can become intertwined so that they always share the same properties, even if they're separated in space. Now it seems particles can be entangled in time, too. Basically, entangled particles share all their quantum properties, even if they are separated by massive distances in space. The really odd part is that any changes made to the properties of one particle will instantly occur in the other particle. There are some subtle reasons why this doesn't actually violate the speed of light. Physicists have figured out a series of thought experiments about how to entangle particles across time."

"Einstein spoke about 'spooky action at a distance' between two entangled particles. Let's say you have two particles that have become entangled. Now one particle can instantaneously tell what the other one is doing without being anywhere near it. It's like telepathy. The two particles can be anywhere in the universe (universal grid), yet remain connected."

man.i.fes.to

a written statement declaring publicly the intentions, motives or views of issuer. 

my statement to the world? i just made the entirety of my existence... up into thin air. i dreamed it once before, now it is true... then it is gone. never to have happened or will happen again. a lucid dream of liquid disappearance. i wish to hold something of truth, or reality... of light. once again.

i shall name her and become her. it may require a number of sacrifices along the way, but with each declaration of freedom... one grants me a ball and chain. i have yet to adjust to the innocence, but at will at least try to spill an improvisational attempt at explaining my worst case scenario. until then, a curation of pieces is at stake and the rest of it is just shit. 

the unplanned plan.

i want to feel something real again. to release all that does not serve me. time has become too valuable and i no longer enjoy the placement of my existence. broken heart story is beginning to consume my soul, the serious darkness begins to set in and i can no longer "break the spell".

perhaps i am the spell. to unleash what electricity i have left to savor... being at "home" is such a blessing, so why can't i enjoy a single droplet? it all cycles around again, but i have no interest. i have been here before.

take me with you when you go. dreamland is what feels real and if you imagine it, just think of "it" for one tiny moment, it shall come true. to cut out all the wild is to put an extinction to my imagination. this bright light.. i must let it shine. not letting my light shine is what is the downfall to actuality. LET it SHINE> dear god, i pray you light my path. please forgive me, for i have sinned... but along this path, i have found a new way. sometimes you have to take the path less chosen, even if its full of thorns.

namaste.

"I honor the place in you where Spirit lives
 I honor the place in you which is
 of Love, of Truth, of Light, of Peace,
 when you are in that place in you,
 and I am in that place in me,
 then we are One."