It's being reliable that is the issue. 

I think what is bothering you.. Is that you are being relied upon. I don't like being relied upon.. It hinders me, sucks me dry of the love and hope that I bring to others. It cages me inside a box; creates a creature that I do not understand. Instead I want others to understand that one can only rely on themselves. You can not hold humankind to your standards. It is only once they learn that relying on themselves is the answer... Will they find joy in knowing that others are not available. 

It's not that we won't be together

Someday

It's that we have so much growing to do

Before we are ready. 

Our past shows us the future_

Only our skin has changed.

It belongs to our wisdom

& clarity of our longing

to be together. 

It provokes. Ink and paper 

to play out our desperate

Love affairs that

Make this time...

to pass. 

It's not that the clock

Is too slow

But we stare at it with

Impatience

Like children who pretend

to be grown

Before it's life that takes

Away our imagination. 

its what you choose not to say that matters the most.

i feel like i have reached a moment of ...

level ground. i don't prefer to go either way really
i don't want to go home... i don't want to be here.

i've thought about dying & maybe even go to another ... land or time.

if all of this means i'm crazy, then ask yourself this:

why are you still alive?

when reckless meets abandon.

Imagination, also called the faculty of imagining, is the ability to form new images and sensations that are not perceived through sight, hearing, or other senses. Imagination helps make knowledge applicable in solving problems and is fundamental to integrating experience and the learning process. 

who's to say what is real anyway?

she sent me just a second of his song... not the part that i had hoped for... but the view over looking the water was refreshing.

taking his guitar playing to the next level... that is what gets me excited.

where does that pulse come from?

im on another level. "living in california". who says this isn't just a made up form of my imagined outcome ... 

i had laid aside the girl i once was. i had to give her up to be here. i had to sacrifice her being to "be" in another world. a parallel of obstacles of which i am still learning their... pattern. 

God gave me strength and power to become this imaginary character in a world that seems to exist only in blurbs of time; that i neither can explain or understand. 

Solitude is a prayer for yourself.

The peace of nature settling the dust like thoughts

If not recorded are 

Taken away with the breeze.

Present tense is a frozen 

Moment left in the sun

On this summer's day.

Shattering like liquid 

And glass on a marble

Floor.. Breaks the silence 

You never fulfilled. 

one.hundred.eighteen.

Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised. (Proverbs 31:30 KJV)

The reality of the fact is that my path gets intercepted; only occasionally by a simple human boy. Event-fully these boys will grow into men... Those that can treat me like a woman... Not a girl, win. Those who do not convince me to lay with them.... satan's temptations will not subside. 

gabriel.

 :is an archangel typically sent as a messenger to humans from God. 

this explains my feelings. as if i needed some

force to hold me down. 

black diamond.

the rarest of them all. the murder & turmoil that was taken to find these...
gems.
precious to our world of saving grace
are the girls covered in black lace.

vintage swirls of chains drape across my scalp
something as simple as a brass fixture
to spark conversation.
his art speaks to people
all day they spoke to me.

"im going to pretend that i am a princess today."

i have no doubt that you are.

but
i can't play with you anymore... you are the devil.

"another one? why must this keep happening?" another boy... gone. i am just too much.

my muse can't be a martyr. this is a fact.

the simplicity of my "coming here" just shifted... again. no wonder i can't find "him". he keeps changing.

2013

provide thy needs
be met for me
for those around
the world
for thy wants
are just dust
& desire
may you cast
them away
from your soul
work is but a
sharp knife that
shreds your
insides
taking your
freedom & ability
to love.
but instead make your
living with contentment
and show "them"
that God provides
and is far
far
far above
the current of evil.

Indian summer, I caught a glimpse of things to come 
Racing to finish, I never think before I run 
To the good and the wicked things you do. 
turn to white - she & him

500daysofLA

i was thinknig about this ....
thought.
living in california.
LA.
wtf.
what would you do??
i havent a clue. but someone does



read more...
@http://500daysofla.blogspot.com

(i digress).

all of the hurt
most of the time
i can not see the
purpose anymore...

today's blood
is pouring onto
the checkers of tile
and stomach vile;
is poison to my
little flickering flame.

squeeze the burn
with just the tip
of emotion that
he is left to provoke;
tempt me to the ledge
and push


the devil
was once an angel.

365 days until

freedom. 
it is the simple things, like waking up in the morning and having tea on the porch. returning a few phone calls, sketching a few pieces... maybe an hour playing the piano. its having control over my day and who i come in contact with. 

freedom to me is having the ease in my day that i have accomplished something for myself and aslo for those around me. its a drive, a passion that releases hope into the community. its being comfortable and having the means to help support those that i love.

i need this "freedom" more than ever.

we all need it. with one hopeful person... inspires another. before we know it, we can change the reality that we live in. at the end of my day i'll sit back and listen to the music. in the end, we'll just listen to good music. 

anticipation in music -- a tone introduced in advance of its harmony so that is sounds against the preceding chord.
realization in advance; foretaste
expectation or hope
previous notion; slight previous impression
intuition foreknowledge; prescience 

i anticipate love
i want to create something wonderful with an amazing beautiful person who is musically talented to inspire me. i need music live everyday. i want to travel & hold hands. i want to experience time together but also have my own life. just a bit on the side.
him too. he needs to drive me forward. inspire me. hold me. laugh with me.
try and understand me so he can better understand himself.
i want to find the meaning of life with our past and if so...
change the world.
december 23 2012 

how much is too much?

how will i know?
how will you see?
what do you know?
how far will you go?
where will you take me?
will it be enough?
what is too much?
who bothers with such?
asking questions about much.

start a revolution.
With me. 

What legacy do you want to leave behind when you’re gone?

Once in a while you’ll question whether or not you’re up to the task.

But something else is even scarier: what you left behind.

The ordinary, conventional, safe, secure, default life that you could have chosen instead. That’s what’s really scary. Remember that and you’ll be okay.

http://paidtoexist.com/how-to-start-a-revolution/

You write in order to change the world…. The world changes according to the way people see it, and if you alter, even by a millimeter, the way people look at reality, then you can change it.” -James Baldwin

I can't see another option right now that better suits my mood. "What kind of business do you want to start?" No so much a business... More like a movement. Finding my niche in the creative fields of persuasion. If its meant to be... The money will fill in the holes, I can't be bothered with that greed anymore. The evil energy that is money is making me sick. 

exaggerate.

i dont know anymore if this is a good idea.

the anxiety is starting to eat away at me

all day i dream of home.
all day i dream of him.

all day i dream of the fantasy land
that i no longer live in.

this isnt what i think ....
what's real with you anyway?

It's a tragic truth that the kinds of imaginative people who can envision new societies — the intellectuals — are typically not the same people who know how to communicate those visions to the great mass of people. In fact, the intellectuals are often crummy at it. To get people off their butts and out into the streets, you need professional storytellers — writers, artists, songwriters, poets, filmmakers, actors, ritualists — who are gifted at grabbing people by the guts and not letting them go.

Artists are the ones who transform the intellectuals' ideas and visions into heart-level imperatives brimming with deep historical and personal meaning. They're the ones who can inspire vast numbers of people to make the necessary sacrifices, to feel intense bonds of solidarity, and to understand that the work of revolution is the most important work of their lives. You can't do that with a treatise. It takes a manifesto, a movie, a theatrical ritual, a marching song.

six people you need to start a revolution by sara robinson

black rebel motorcycle club.

dance with me in an oceanside dive bar.
this describes the last three years.
oh my how they pass by.
each one seeming less real than the last.
time i saw the lead guitar.
more talent.
more problems.

the emotional torment of a lost loved one.
even if it is just lost
in the moment.

to see the resemblance.
the performers center stage.
i have been here before.
why do i keep revisiting the past.
hearing his type of the sound.
waves of emotion crash.
while i ride the wave that is.

you have lived an interesting life.



one.hundred.three.

silver fox.

appeared twice in one day
most beautiful
of creatures...

something in the eyes
deep & mysterious
thoughts thinking
things that
draw you in.

"that's what did it for me".
simple look in the
eyes.



honeysuckles & patchouli
remind me of her
insane hair
stubborn soul 
sailor's mouth
rare jewel. 

Fur.

images leave me. scraps that remain show a display of excitement & panic. not soon enough... not fast enough... too late.

found the fur vest outside of a shop and hurried to try them on. saw that other girls are wearing them too... Good, the trend is catching on. 

Too bad the proof doesn't show we were far ahead of the curve...in the road that is style. 

And so it continues.. compliments arise. anxiety is yet to subside, haven't the energy of my younger self. phone conversation gave me joy... Only four months and already a producer in Hollywood is willing to come to the island to shoot a video? Maybe I fell asleep and just dreamed about that .... Scenario. 

anna calloway.

a bloody thirst
a craving to be
known but forgotten
do not suck the
seeds from my pit
admire the flesh yet
get nurtured from the
fruity essence.

11.30.12


on the kitchen floor in the middle of no where, lies a tiny mountain town.
we sit and share this moment with a notepad
a pbr
& possibily our dignity.

she wrote this poem.

twenty minute dream.

I was walking to work, it's late in the morning and everything is wet.. It had just rained, I suppose that's is why I didn't ride my bike. I passed a row of shops, thought I would stop in and ask them about a tattoo. The store I walked into looks like a tattoo shop.. But the more I was in there and talking to the guy... I was getting weird looks and the young girls were giggling... Then it turned into a paper copy business, huh. I turned and walked out... Rather confused. I heard Claudia's voice behind me, she was talking on the phone...walking to work.  I didn't feel like going into work so I jumped on a bus. It was more of a van and Alex was in there. He turned around and looked surprised... His hair long and grown out. I didn't pay much attention to him, I was busy looking at my phone. He was traveling along with some friends... The bus driver was tall with curly hair, funny guy.. A green and yellow hat. He stopped at a roadside beach access and the boys had no idea where they were going... The driver got mad that they had no destination in mind, so he let them out. I thought to myself.. I don't have one either. Then I asked him how to get to the salon... "What number should I take it get back?"... He seemed doubtful and laughed with kind eyes... None of these go that way. After some banter back and forth he agreed to take me back for a haircut. Of course he didn't have a card with him.. So he handed me a handful of notes and scrap paper... I shoved them into my wallet and searched around for a card, which I couldn't locate. I keep pulling out others cards from people that I had met across the country... Photographers etc. he laughed... 

My alarm woke me up and I was going to be late for work; in real life. 

california king.

where i used to lay my head
the most wonderful
of epic less bed
that i could spend the days and
years with those that i love.

the kitchen... that gave me every bit
of inspiration
the lovers that dance with you
during a very innocent haircut.

wow.
this brings something to the forefront
the most beautiful boys ...
a kitchen.
the little square
with a chair
and a good...
soundtrack.
a vase of flowers and a jar of
paint brushes.

that is what it felt like
to be a unicorn.

chills.

hear common voices
excited for my time at home.
only seven weeks left of this left side
before i can really relax and know what is
right.

perspective.

to VISUALIZE the future would be the current message. it is just as simple as seeing the... goal that will help you to remember your passion.
i havent given up yet. as a matter of fact... the day, this slow day that i didn't "like" so much, turned into  a push that will keep me... rolling.
sitting and watching the tutorials, i realize that i am involved in a number of things. i can never have my mind on JUST one. but for this reason. . . i am everywhere & no where fast. i practiced my breathing and recall the quote that you don't know when your entire life will lead up to that moment when all of your ... dreams are full of **it.
i am severely over it & done with california as i sit and think about what i have done. did all of this... all of THIS lead up to me just returning home... even less of a whole?
no.
not at all.

this TRIP is my future. it will only lead to all the right things... i am NOT supposed to be there. that isn't what will lead me to... the day when i'll sing with him at the piano in our living room with our... futures joined together.
i know that some days this feels like war. i know that it could only get worse... but the "angels" always know best & if i'm not busy with hair... then as london would say "i'm supposed to be doing something else."
i like hissssss patience.

If only I had two bodies.

A clone of sorts that could do all the things I wish 

I could do in this world.

A double booked life; you can not be everywhere at once.

Something is gonna have to give, and

I have a feeling that responsibility will rule.

A wise man once said to me "you have to learn that pleasing everyone will stop you from pleasing yourself." But right now... Paying rent is more important.

So I'm willing to drop everything... the platter of glass shattering all over the floor. Is it worth it?

Depends on your measure of... worth. 

all things considered.

stripped petals fall to the floor 

simply for a thrill 

scatter my ashes on a pillow

beside your head... 

the mastermind plan

to create.. a sound, a feeling that will last... a lifetime.

singing it over and over again.

i was handed the tools...

now i must polish the metals. it will take years to make it shine....