less & less & less

it is becoming drained from my body like fluid released out of a water ballon... air from a tire
"you are not a one night stand".
one night will never be enough.
how much can you give up?
how much can you give in?
how much can you live without?
how much can you suffer?
how long will you wait?


i have lost so many things
just to name a few i wish to recollect
is my self esteem. the boy i thought would never
fall for me... did.
he likes my womanly legs.
he likes me.
he hates me.
he wants me.
he wants me to fuck off.

my career is just the slightest glimmer of real.
only a few ounces left to try and make this one
work. no one really likes me anyhow.
it is a love hate thing. i lost too many fucking days.

i just want to shower off the past few days and start over.
can i start over?

Battling in transit.

Everything is unfinished. Nothing makes sense and I have no where to go. At least that is how I feel.

Now what? Lets jump a train and travel the coast. Disappear for the time.  Stop me if I'm wrong... but I think he dreamed me out of thin... Air.

Here I am. 

There he is. Phenomenal how he can utilize his energy with such ease. Throwin' shapes and confusing what particles I happen to have left over.

I am learning though, I am progressing. I have seen the outcome from otherwise. 

Southern California boy. 

That is all he stands to be for the time being.

Instead I sing others songs in my head just to help

Tolerate the unspeakable actions he wishes to perform.

I have been waiting for a partner in crime, the ones that

"F*** you" he says. Sound familiar? 

I am meant to be so much more, and if you give me a chance... I'll let you in to play. "Let you in". Well that would be absolutely absurd. I am in love with an illusion. 

degree of separation.

I lay in bed last night and listen to the silence. Only my breath is in the room; the solitude becomes almost unbearable. I can't find slumber, instead I toss and turn and become tangled with the blankets.
This loneliness is silly. This "need" for companionship is only human.

I've lost your interest and mine over the past months. I stop many habits, including keeping up with my days. The dreams are swept aside... As the fact of the matter does go... The dreams change and shift themselves.

I must become a part of something that is bigger than me. Perhaps that is why "home" is calling me back again... So I can feel the community. This trip has been such a whirl of "what have I done..." Now fall comes again for that feeling of beginnings with summer's end.

The novelty of being away. I thought about Alex this morning on my ride to work, he immeditlaty text me... "I really miss you and how close we used to be". I miss our time together, but that time has come and gone. I reminenced our mornings when he would sing to me... "Stand by me..."

Pink flamingo.

When do you throw in the towel?
No body said it was easy... No one ever said it would be this hard. Should I just make my way back to the east? I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of restless debt that keeps adding up. I can't seem to collect any money here.. I'm paying for the experience.

I am constantly haunted with the "what-ifs" of leaving or staying. I am going to give it until the end of twenty thousand thirteen. One year. That is all that I can handle with my little southern soul. It is a big world out there and so what LA isn't "the one".

It is not over just yet. The manic of a full moon will spark some extra energy. The performance of art with my body is a new found thrill. Parallel to the first show of The Tills in Charleston... I could feel the pull and chaos; just heels and fur in a crowded art museum with the title "risqué" will do.

I have a brilliance all to myself. But just like when Lennon met Ono... He described her as a woman that knew everything he already knew... And her about him..."he was very handsome." Their love was controversial and oh so tantalizing. Perhaps she was the downfall of the Beatles.. but I refuse to ever stop him.  "We" are just at the beginning.

Even.

I sit on the the busy street of broadway in long beach. I contemplate what I am doing? What am I really doing here? I've grown bored of all the surroundings and I only halfheatedly  commit to anything. This now allows too much time to sleep and think about what I "could" be doing. I haven't written in a week... It's not that I don't have good intentions of continuing this .. project, it's just I've lost interest. I need a force of inspiration, a change that doesn't involve me moving. I just want to do something that amounts to anything. I childishly  sang that I could indeed do better than him... But I know deep down I can not. I absolutely can not do better... The insult is rewarding, keeps me begging and pushing for more.

Sway.

Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward. For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise. (Hebrews 10:35, 36 KJV)

I continue the new pattern of no words. Everything is indeed temporary and so are my feelings for you. They cast off and on, again and again. Nothing I can do... Nothing you can say.

It doesn't stop there. I day dream of my east side options and sway from the focus, but remember ... "You are supposed to be here". Repeat those words over and over, silently. Whether I can see it... Or not... I am the option. The blessings are surrounded and I should sleep easy. 

Now to continue the writing. 

classic.

vacation. i took a few weeks of leave from my thoughts... my dreams and my aspirations. one jolt of common cents and i assume i will regain my function. wrapped & bound in a leathered fashion, this is my vow to stay a while. trapped in my own absence. today is the gain.

i passed the weeks with sleep & alcohol. a dream of dreams of sorts.

snap back in it girl.

"who wants you now?" -the tills.

sing to me til the end of time, sir. 

Saudade (Portuguese): The feeling of longing for someone that you love and is lost. Another linguist describes it as a "vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist."

"when you close your eyes... it is only you".  

the agony of being alone, being not the one for him... or anyone at all. that is the draw. that is the point. the love i share is for and with everyone. i need to understand that his love is the same. we just happen to meet on the same page every so often.

inspired by his love for me... for us. the longing of being completely and utterly so far away from the future. it is what i deserve. 

give me just one more chance. i promise i won't make a mess of it this time around. 

lushious peace.

quality time.
the key to life is quality time. and i really needed this time with him. i had such a wonderful day. it was life church. the entire day. each moment to the perfect point of view.
monday brunch with an inspiring group of electric humans. waking up on the screened in porch at sunrise. i love hear to fuller's voice, something that she does to me. explaining that of which i reawakened and thought it was a dream. except for it was quite real.

one year ago today i gave him the perfect haircut in my kitchen. "you're moving to california?... that's cool." i gave him exactly that he wanted. "how did you know?"

i shake to shiver.

this year the sun set itself behind the horizon, the back drop to a phenomenal piece of art work.  with style. do everything with style, simply with style.
all the while listening to rock & roll. this time the kitchen of his eden street summer home. feeling the fall of a season, it's like i was here all along. we just have so much growing to do... alone. as artist we are ultimately alone in our own genius ...ways of riddles and scramble that amount to our daily lives.

he shared all the new music with me. reinventing himself. as it should be   t/he tills/
the ride is going to be fun. we are all going brillant places. and so the tide continues in and out...

discontinued.

things are happening with out this knowledge of focus. it all just happens. i do not plan any of it.

the sister said "he" does it.
the almighty of creators.
he resides in lust.
gives a hope that looking forward
to something is the power
of the up and downs
then for us the earth offers me
no glory or fame.

one day you will know my name.

#insight51.

a flood of inspiration caught me in a sea of all of my loved ones. i am thankful for the day and the ocean front salon. the lovely women, my muses...

i created wonderful wearable art work today. it is floating around the east coast in the form of proteins attached to the scalp. the shapes of blending long layers and creating a fall sunset in ombre form was much to be expected in my state of pleasure.

insight. i have clarity again. she was once was lost... but now am found. it just took a few chords to stroke again, this time with a slightly different crowd. the natural healers that are my lovers... pursing their lips with words, movements, advice to change my perspective.

"do what you wanna do" by devin the dude. describing the essence of my being for one of the better days. today is the day that i begin, again and again. i am happy for her return.



back in the woods is a path... the long dirt road that leads to nowhere. the murder hole some will call it... some never make it out alive. i think i belong there.

black murder...

(listen to rumble by link way while reading) 

the nights are young and so are our chances for romance. he playfully tipped my hat... 

the first song he played to me was a a country song... the one that tore my world apart.  "they have to have something to write about" i explained to laura after she asked if i was still crushing on harry. oh of course i am, sometimes you can not and will not say goodbye.

"he still needs to get used to the idea that you are here."

'what are you doing here?'

harry, i am in love with you... that is what i should've said. but you don't get it often ...  give him something to feel. give me something to bleed about.

the jaded ambitions of believing in love is what pushed; being interesting is the key point of what he is trying to make. the fulls and hearts blur out my actual feelings and before i know it... the palm of my hand brushed his hip.

too far.

too much.

the relativity of my actuality is what makes me evil. i hate so much to be untouched that i catch myself holding my breath.

the wind howls outside as i lay in solitude trying to calm my... anger. alone in this story book of unreasonable explanations and scenarios... 'who do you think you are... girl, you can really move.' said pappy. 

written august 30 2013, the night of mr. harrison's day of supposed birth to earth. 

the hound dogs family band.

felt the end of an era last night. felt the subtle linger of summer's end... when the falling of your love is crawling on the floor. it was a good run... a good way to spend the beginning. remembering the first night i laid eyes of him. remembering the feeling of "how could this be? where did these guys come from? who are they?" and now i know. the four years that flew through in a rage of great hair and legs... the essence of elvis, the beatles, james brown... him. i found him. i fell in love with him.

i could see the sorrow in his face... if i caught a reflection i could've seen it in mine. but instead i masked my truth with a grand distraction of dancing. i could feel that it was going to be the last time that i felt the energy that so heavily influenced my world today. the art. the calling. the lovers and the friends.

im with the band. fuller called us and made sure we would be there... oh of course my model and i were running late. we were busy trying to rationalize our lives and futures in the wood paneled oceanfront house. i needed this time with her to over analyze the critical moments. the sections of your life that only a true lover can help you digest.

i suppose the entire day was one of goodbyes. leaving for good this time. releasing the light and energy back into the world. no longer does he hold the flame. he blew it out so quickly i hardly noticed until the darkness set in.. and i had to rely on my own.

like a candle in the night, energized with just a bit of a new taste of white... and the sounds of a ukelele. the four strings felt heavenly with longing for something. some droplet of hope that can make me relax and breathe again... the inspiring breath of life. taken all from me ... the one look i got from him was enough. the eye contact was a magnetic field that pulled him in just one last time. knowing that it was real... from the wink that proves he knows something that i do not... nor will i ever know. until my dying day... i will never know what i did to make him lose me.

"i feel like we have grown up... like we have graduated on to something more." said fuller.

the rain fell from the sky in ice sixlets that pierced my skin and made me shiver. making me shake from the loneliness that is my wandering soul. using my eyes to listen, falling in love with myself all over again. fuller always helps. she is in the front line of my life for good reason... helping pick up the pieces that i left on the floor of all the dives on this island.  the boys that take from me. my soul wouldn't be the same without these questionable times.

"but now it is time to say goodbye, girl." hh