do not entertain me.

the new moon rises and once again i set a pact with myself to achieve those wondrous things i have been promised for .... the future. i beg to feel the impulse of creative strikes against my heart strings, slashes and clippings that may as well be the end of my life, but the beginning of something greater.

finishing the other half of the knitted infinity scarf... the teal and black continuous ensemble reminded me that a connection is something valuable to all of our futures. blindsided by the absurdity I'm sure he will be some how... bored with the choice made for him.

a conductor is the one that places the pieces into play. awakens the mind and self to a bigger picture. creates and controls the outcome of the group effort. looking at every single one as a valuable part of the entity. so there you have it.

france circa 1933.

fantasy is that calling of my current state of being. from the time and era of french rebellion... we are the prototypes. pressing down fine lines of real and false... all the while caring about the delicacy of place and time. the attitude will follow and soon the metamorphosis will be complete. it was a different era, it was another declaration... i am willing to follow her rules.

"it is acceptable to be an intelligent person.." he said with a curious upswing of his voice.

standing still along a busy bike path, another stunning sunset scene in front of my view. witnessing the synchronized birds and absurd city life.. a sense of peace was settled around us. we discovered a new place in our life... with the sounds of vibrations.

gypsy.

"so let me ask you more about this...lifestyle".

if you step out of the box, what happens? the change in essence of necessity and then a bigger picture. stashing the "small" following to press forward into time.
i can't buy a thing other than food.. if it doesn't fit into a suitcase, well you absolutely can't get attached. wear the same thing for one week? no one will notice but you... you never see the same person twice.  no strings. no pets. limited shoes. all black. still face of emotion. no house. no car. no furniture.
i can't follow it up to detail.. but it is like you just know. you know when you have met your type.

she asks in amazement and curiosity. i am quite certain that i am also learning myself about these qualities. all i realize is that if you can't see the one... you may as well lay down to rest, indefinitely.

my nights and mornings are filled with the dark one that tangles himself deep into my... internal being. having all the right things to say... balancing each shocking statement to a perfect pose of exclamation. he arrived wrapped in an oxblood scarf... black dress blazer. i couldn't help but shutter at the parallels and it gave me a precise amount of anxiety through out our evening. i am still amazed with his presence in all hope that i will settle this love affair with it's final answer.

noon came faster with time's warp when in cuddled slumber. i wouldn't have cared to ever leave this mess of sheets if i didn't have to work. it is a dark pit that captures you and keeps you tight inside... for us to have all to ourselves. in this selfish pity party i hope to press him up against what i truly and honestly feel... uncertainty.

in a desperate chance of hope i am residing in the safety of this stunning life.

skin.

"i think i will call you grace." --señorita 2006

did i manage to miss my chance to ... witness a glorious life? well in fact i woke up from a long nap, which i dreamed. the art of storying telling. i completely lied about everything truly. it is all a perception that i have created. so now you have and MUST stop discussing these so called... "dreams". guess what? you are in the right place.

the abundance of "gathering" is where i will collect all the... pieces. a natural phenomenon that has surpassed all of the wishes and all of my dreams. come true.

come true to yourself and the things that happen, through him, will show the actual identity of your maturity. thank goodness i have grown...

today changed me once again shaping me into a statement of fashion & grace. almost falling... and by the grace of god i have hardly spilled a thing...

so now it is time to ask the question... "do you have a light?"

what would you do if you actually caught the road runner? i curiously asked the coyote... well we will have to see. the gift of "hospitality". that isn't the first of that type of compliment. coming from a long line of "how can i serve you?" service.

the act of service is as brilliant quality as time. then comes touch. gifts and soon affirmation. the order is important and if listed in "that" order... i can see the mix of emotions here. displacing myself and creating another reality is more my speed. interested. the fire has been set and i am excited to be part of this movement. i have something to say. we all do...

dead inside.

this can't possibly be the case?!
if this is the truth... then why am i investing all of my life into...
him. who puts the life into me.

"i guess i just don't know" --the velvet underground
so there you have it. i have to keep up the insanity.
discipline. defiance. endurance.

over &
over &
over &
over &
over &

for eternity.

there is no place like home.

it was all a dream anyhow. bold colors trail across the screen... pastel changing horses don't actually exist, by the way. it was all a light show. see how things go? as a child your perception hasn't been altered by the mature way of thinking... i do propose you do your research.

feelings of comfort settle in today and i am able to get up and move around. i begin to finally feel like myself... at times i believe the east to west coast travel leaves pieces behind. many days of sleep and collection of familiar body parts help ease me into this new routine. with all the hustle and excitement of the last days, i am thankful that it fueled my fire. once again his spark of energy is felt from three thousand miles away. before long things will become all too real and a subscription will be prescribed in order to continue reading... there is not much i can do with how fast the rate increases.

all i know is i have seen this before. that is how i know i am in the right place.

for a wish to be discovered she must first ask herself "why?"
then sit back and think about this...
"why not?"

"well i wouldn't know what else to do otherwise..."-hh

God only knows what comes next.

open your eyes to reality.

pay attention.

i can't afford myself or the life that i lead. i release this power that is my current state of being. for more than once what you perceive is the life you lead and if that wasn't punishment enough.... then i don't know what is. i digress. 

if it isn't interesting enough to catch my attention... 
to the details that are your inner self. 
i absorb all the antics and can not resist the urge to underestimate my powers. 
growing wise is a painful price and sometimes you have to see the passion first thing... first. 

if i wasn't on the other side of the country making a quiet mess of things, then how would my reality be perceived. how could you say? either way i am giving the love a chance to change and evolve into something that empowers my .... structure. sound to the ground of my soul that has to reach out and perhaps get caught up in a gypsy love affair. i explained it well ___ when a dream becomes reality___ then you must create new dreams. the segements align and life feels lovely. i absolutely love my life. it is a beautiful and wonderous behavior that i am thankful for... leading me in a constant form of change. 

soon the attention will be paid and i will set a clearer set of eyes on the situation. 

silver & gold.

the perfect shade of the palest of blue now intertwine amongst the long tendrils. i am sure that before the end of time i will have figured her  out.

the atmosphere was strange today and i could feel the exiting of a favor. i took pills in vain because i can't trust the one i love... i am only human and i felt that the punishment was well worth the pain... i have caused myself.

breaking my own vow to one'self that i can't quite see past the present... past tense. the feelings are too good and falling back into usual patterns is an easy adjustment.
i am sure now that his presence is a major distraction and perhaps even the tragedy of story... or else the pleasure is just for us and we should use it for good.

either way i am struggling with control issues and if i could only trust. trust... in the one i love. so i shape shift in order to evolve into another creature... a character you have yet to recognize. once the outfit has been photographed... well it must go away.

i dreadfully miss the company of london and today longed to see him. he is and was a powerful tool in my lovely days... of the downward turmoil of the salon, but most of all he is a friend. but things disappear for some reason.

the depth of the day had me admitting that i would rather be a ghost. so i did not have to be seen... though i still need a voice. shadow... i am always here... nor there.

mystery.

i can't remember the lucid light leaks that were my dreams last night.
under a bridge... he was there and upset with me. i can feel that he is 
frustrated about something, perhaps even with something i have done.

so if my perception changes... does that change my outcome? does that change his point of view? what does thee see? what can thee see, is it the real image of me?

to the end, and back again.

knelt at the end of a pier in the middle of the atlantic. i peered through the broken boards and could see the waves... the endless darkness of a swelling abyss below. i could feel that i was completely alone on this stormy night. with no business being on this wooden structure...

the release of tension from yelling and screaming to the sea urchins... mermaids and harpies... i just can't be held down any longer.  i can not restrict myself anymore. i don't have a care in the world & if i were the social experiment... well then so be it... i'll twist this into a source of power.

the hundreds of miles across the state so i could see the insane structures that are our life. to be held in the arms of a love... to lose two westside lovers.... to realize that you do indeed get what you ask for. but other things will quickly be taken away, the distance is what makes you work for it. no longer with "it" be convenient.

to be consumed and possessed by the spirit. to walk in the name of the lord because of the savior jesus christ. i don't know what else to be at this moment. he was there with me as the waves threw themselves against the lonely wooden beams... eventually my eyes adjusted to the dark night and i could see the horizon line, and with it hope of a bigger dream for me than i could ever dream. singing the words to a song i knew once and may know again... the sound of words coming from a body that i just merely try and care for. the soul trapped inside belongs to the spinning cycle of the spirit.

my last moments here in asheville are bittersweet... waking up in solitude after a night of his music isnt exactly how i imagined; i'll leave it up to fate for the answer. trying not to push too hard... resisting temptation and the possibility that indeed my fears are true... but by the faith of god i hold on.

infinity and inconsistency go quite well together...
"have you flown him out to LA yet?"
not yet, but it could be high on the priority list. we'll see if he agrees..
but until we meet again this spring, i will use my heart to guide the way on pen and paper.

farewell mountainside lovers.

#tillsmania2014

if i continue to strive for perfection then how will i ever be satisfied. instead i will live for the day and be prepared for any ... occasion.

so we continue to feel and press on with the tide.. relax in the pools.

essence
energy
estatic

they put on a show worth talking about. i hope you hear the music. i hope you sing the songs...
rock n' roll is still real.. really intense. "i beg to differ"..
"see, she won't do it".. he looked over  to fuller.
our mouths missed the mark and instead his lips graced my forehead.
the child in me kissed his cheek.

i cant stop the emotions and feelings that tell me that i have been here before...
again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again .

threading silk my dear
take the high road
and call me in the day break.

hush those demons
ghosts from above and below

hush those legs
fading into the darkest
moment of night

baby hush those girlie lisp
of whiskey sour

booze it up --------------
loose me in the morning.
intoxicated/worn thin
morning light
of
kisses pretending to care.

false hold on me
     fake scenes you play with thee
sold my soul long ago
     to the man below
then i pleaded for a change
      but the dues must be paid.

taking away everything i am
to become a bleeding solider
                                      for you.