hide & seek.

the last twelve hours we twisted our lives together like the vines on an old tree. i think he sees me more clearly now... nearly naked in his bed.

we held onto each other like we were never going to let go. all the cards fell into place & and i must admit, i like the hand i have been dealt. i can't believe my world. 

i am severely gracious for those moments. the dirty messing life of tambourines and bruises. i suppose the black & blue marks are only temporary, but the brain can remember it as if it is always happening. 

i like the way he taste. when the skin holds between the folds... for a yummy surprise.

amongst all the chaos of the night... we stood in the kitchen, face to face and talked about our social anxieties. its the history that is giving me a good chance with this. we were all too fucked up to realize what we were saying... but i kept an eye on the groups that were mingling about.

he made me a cocktail... of whiskey, lemon and a dash of sugar. then he grabbed two cigarettes and put one in my mouth. we chained smoked all night with romantic touches and glances... he retired to his room and i was completely bored without his presence. i walked away... to what seemed to me at the time as discreet timing, but i'm sure there was a watchful eye. i underestimate how many people watch me. 

the room was dark and he put on the music... some tunes from the thirties & we began to play our usual game. tossing and turning each others bodies, me convulsing and shaking with the nervous energy that he causes my bones and stomach to turn. i remember the smell... the lighting and the angle in which he leaned in to kiss me. as almost a year has passed since our last... it was better this time than ever before. 

the morning came too soon and somehow we managed to get out of the night alive. i woke up to a thunderstorm outside; the rain being pelted into the open window. we snuggled in like cats for hours... he had a glass of whiskey in bed & we talked about life. sometimes i say really insane things to boys. i don't know what possesses me to let the words fall out of my mouth... the inappropriate letters that can't seem to stay inside of my weird brain. he said that i was comforting to him... i make him feel a bit more....how shall i say.... normal. 

"girl, in real life... i'm quite a mess." -hh

the night when you realize that leaving was the best thing you could''ve done for yourself.


that was tonight. i don't want to be here. those that you love will eventually die and i am so glad that i was able to spend time with them before they left this earth.
all i could think about today was ashton.
he lost his grandmother today. she was an amazing human & i was so thankful to meet her. life is indeed short and i should learn to not take it for granted.



mr. perez text me today.. from now on i will not take him for granted.
but there are two very important souls lurking around in my world.
he got a few good pictures from me... and he makes me want to go back to my west side life.

mr. harrison

take it slow my dear. sometimes time only allows you just a minute.
an innocent minute to hold hands and remember that indeed he does care.
we sat on the steps of the oceanside bar and had our time.
it was all mine and it seemed as if no one else on the earth existed.
just me & him.
i suppose romance is real and if you just slow down...
you can learn to feel her effects.
its just a matter of time.
our eyes met and we had....
he asked and told me some things i needed to hear.



the tiny bar housed a crowd that will forever live in my mind.
i never wanted the night to end... for some this was their first experience.
i have seen them so many years before that the songs have become embedded in my soul.
"i have a cd for you before you go... it has all the good stuff... and its only going to get better from here". yes... indeed it will. our lives will only get better... and so will our...

i dont know how to slow my heart beat down.
the energy from this boy ...
the leaps and bounds that i will go through.
if only i could hold his hand forever.

the look on his face when he saw me ... was something i have forever captured in my mind. i didn't know what to expect really. i haven't seen the boy in eight months.

i had a gardenia in my crazy curls... they have grown long and reckless.
i was wearing a long dress from a good friend that i love...
look what the wind blew in.

the music on the pier with all of my past.
all of my loved ones... my herd of unicorns. the prettiest girls you could ever imagine. all the hard work lead me to this. i was able to sit and enjoy the evening. he sang me songs... just like before.

once the music ended he set his eyes on me and fought through the crowd. butterflies scattered throughout my body as he neared. i remember how it felt to be near him... he put his arm around my waist.
"i loved the letters... it was a really cool idea. you have a knack for that... even though i had a hard time reading what you wrote sometimes". guess i'll have to help him decipher them one day when we are old. i hope he keeps them forever.

all of my life lead me to this moment.
it was worth every tear.

the night ended too soon... our embrace was short & sweet. i just have to be patient.
it is all going to fall into place.
thank god.

prayer.

7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened." matthew 7:7-8

as i read some of my journal entries from the past... i realize that what i was praying for... i am receiving. these are the blessings of my father.

boys.boys.boys.

traveling faster than time today. things are not as they seem... its a matter of hurrying towards stillness. the chaos of the crowds and self absorbed society... all the way across the country. 

thoughts of them.. all the music, all the talent... all the boys. from coast to coast; they hold me down.

i am in love.

i am in love with my life..

the light that shines down

below...

i am in love with LA.

once you are out... you realize what's in. now that i am gone, i can see what i have. everything i need. 

pay the tolls and try and smile. it's just money... what a waste. i hate to waste.. but i've done it my entire life. more will always come... so i let this one slide. 

in a time when you can cross the country in just a few hours... i take advantage of the skies. the miles i have traveled... the journey i am on, i get to land on my island soon. 

it's time to see my main man. eight months later...  

Faded.

Self-proclaimed pressure.
The push to keep on improving, the ups and downs that stop you from falling short of your desired future. If I wasn't so sure that with the bad comes good... The subtle gesture of having peace and hope in a time of crisis ... I will survive.

The pressure to perform, to succeed, to impress, to justify... To believe. The pressure has become infinite as I sit back and realize that what I was going to do... What I have created in my mind as a original thought... Is already done. I was too late.

The pressure to be on time... I'm always late. I suppose that timing is mixed with fate and it wasn't meant for me to be "there" anyway. Things would move too fast, I am not ready. Only the universe knows when to open doors. I needn't stress over these things...

To tame a wild animal.. All you need is trust. Patience is vital and an understanding for the behavior. Our nation is a at war with ourselves.. We are at war with our own government. The "ones" that are supposed to be looking out for our best interest.. Well, come to find out... They were only looking out for themselves.  Now we are left with over fifty years of contamination that is poisoning our society. Like a slow drip.. Of death. The next few years will be tough. Until our nation becomes aware of the problem.. The unaware niaveity, all of it can change. But until then... The people are sick. I don't think the majority will make it... Population control.

I want the new world to be different. I want it to be less selfish, less self-centered... More love and most of all... For those to have hope again. An everlasting hope that will carry on through the generations to a better world. I don't know if I'll see this in my life... I hope it precedes my children, but I'll make the best of the time I do have here on earth. I'll make the small impressions that will ripple through the ocean. Soon enough we will make waves.

So open your eyes to the chaos we have been placed in.... Otherwise... You are just another faded soul.

keep it simple.

Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, whereunto thou art also called, and hast professed a good profession before many witnesses. (1 Timothy 6:12 KJV)

Walk in wisdom toward them that are without, redeeming the time. Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man. (Colossians 4:5, 6 KJV)

sister act.

I am inspired by those that I am made of.. The sisters. They are wonderful creatures that I grew up with. I spent some time this morning reading her blog... Unwritten54.blogspot.com... To catch up with her life. Being so far away makes it even harder for us to keep touch, I mean we lived in the same house together for a year and hardly knew each other's adult lives. This one particular quote stuck out to me... Put me more at ease. 

"Our final concern is not career or ministry or reputation but whether through the course of our lives we grow in the saving grace of Christ, living and working in such a way that others might know him." -- Gordon T. Smith

129.

Those moments that are too good to miss. You shouldn't pass them up just because some of the details don't quite match up with your imagination of how it should be... 

The change in lightening changes the mood. I am still thinking about our night, our all-night time to share thoughts. Why did I say all those things? It was very humorous. I keep thinking about his smile. Why must our brains capture a memory and play it so many times ... To make me want more. The time traveled too fast. Over already? Our time is up.

He complimented me on a few things. He seems.. Genuine and I want to just be beside him, leaning against his arm... Holding his hand in an airport. I want to run late with him.. Or be on time. I want to smile and be amazed with his brilliance. I want to share with people this sense of hope.. And cover ourselves with paint. I want to help him achieve his vision, his works of art that involve a muse.. A cat like source of feminine power to prowl through his photographs.

Why.. I am so pleased he just wanted to sit by me. I'm glad he didn't try anything.. The night was too dark, too late, too innocent too precious to mess it up with intimacy. It was all too childlike and wonderful... 

I could go on for days, putting the pieces back again where words fell out into each others thoughts.. But I prayed to god for a boyfriend, a person to push me harder.. If he is it, well I'll take my earthly time to get to know him. I can already see the art work we will create. 

It takes discipline to tell your body not to sleep.. Makes a blur of time that changes the shape of the day. Just a quick rest before I have to be in public. He text me a smile when he got home... I wish he was cuddled up beside me for my cat nap. 

everything will be different when i return.
everything.

i have less than a week before i can relieve myself and jump into the atlantic.
i have less than seven days before i can hug my mom... my lindseys...
i have less than eight days before i can dance around to the music that i know
                  with a boy that i know more than you will ever know.

im ready to leave LA behind for awhile. for weeks actually, and get back to where i came from.
to those who made me who i am today.
to those who support me.
to those who love me.
to those who truly want me to succeed.

Los Angeles does not support me.
it takes from me. just like every other "twenty something" that is trying to make it out here.
what they do not understand is...
this world hasn't seen anyone quite like me before.
thats the catch....
the world will tear me apart... and hang me out to dry.
but guess what?

you will never forget me.

velvet underground.

after the moment. boredom hits and tantrum strikes; he just happen to fall into my gimmicks. my tricks and spells that are like chaos and glitter after a show. where dance parties have the finest of fancy djs. oh the parties i will throw. i know the band; coordinated the finely detailed show.
i lost a favorite bracelet of mine, but that is just a small fee for the mistake i almost made. well i did make actually. i am not proud of myself and i know that all actions have consequences. i can't play games anymore, its too exhausting. i suppose just a taste is... permit-able.
i talked my usual riddles and nonsense to the boy.
i can still taste him, slightly.
it was good. it was fun. and why yes... don't "they" all have a blue fur coat?
no
they
do
not.

I can talk my way into.. And out of anything. It's just a matter of words really. Once they sense  enthusiasm... Let the games begin.

The music last night reminded me of him. I needed that.. Talented energy to make me excited.
I was on one last night, surprised I made it out alive. The shenanigans I perform... Should be stopped. Just on occasion is my life acceptable.
But this is what I "go" for, to prove a point.
I found a passion last night. Entertaining. That is what I do well, and when I'm dreaming and excited about home... I dance.
Seducing those around me to come home so I can ask ...
How will you change the world?

overstimulated.

Too many roads lead no where. You indeed can not take two.
I reached a new limit... Of no limit. I do not desire any one true thing.

Instead I desire things of sorts that promise temporary relief
To a life that promises everlasting pain.
I can't write.. I can't create.
Boring is the taste of fruit.. Acrylic does not make my heart skip
Anymore.

All the clamor I forget.
All the lyrics ... Do not ease the tension
Of a sexual desire that shall never be filled.

I stay in tonight and paint my finger nails..
The smell of acetone puts me to sleep.

Afternoon tea & crumpets.

My imaginary land of magical tea parties.. Is it too much for you?

I believe I've given you a dash too much. But every once in awhile you meet a soul you decide to let in.

I let her in. I want her to see the wildest side of me. The animals that we both are... Becoming. She needs to know. So it makes sense. 

"You should've been part of the Rolling Stones".

I know my dear. 

I begin to act out my future life. Pretending to be surrounded by my children. I was only part conscious for this. The red sun glasses and feather head dress add to the illusion of my sanity. Visually appealing. He would be so proud. 

This is where I stand. The very beginning of a musical rebellion. I don't know where else to stand now. The line no longer suits me.

More words spill onto the floor... Well thought out conversation. Late into the night, I'm covered in sweat & excitement with his voice. "People are not going to agree with me... But people are going to hate you..." She reminds me. I brought it up... I already know this. I have been hated my whole life, people love that about me... How easily it is to hate me.  

primal.

the war i found with others. i want to be the insane one. dis to that... that once a spark has been lit, how shall you put it out.
the voice that can make me dance forever. when i have alcohol, different creatures take place and dance around. causing the utmost chaos, causing me to text and engage with those that i should maybe just leave alone. i am too loud with a girl friend and decide that a beautiful circle of friends is not enough  and that i selfishly disappear to make my own set of fun. its just not fair how i am. i am a selfish bitch that can't seem to stop staring and judging. but i am done lord. i want you to guide me to a better future. i want you to help carry me along the shoreline and bring me closer to home.

i am so blessed. ive counted all of my blessings and i remember them in a prayer. but because i am human, i will constantly long and ache for more. she wants passion, i want innocent love.
we want freedom? do we though, do we know what that really entails? no. we haven't a clue... so this "freedom" is just a temporary longing for what is to come.

i figured out life a bit tonight while just staring up... its about 57% love and 37% solitude.. the rest is food. i think that is how i feel. if you have those two in perfect proportion, then you are happy. im not sure but i think im on to something here. im suppose to be this "thing".
im so ignorant to what it is that i have. a gift that i hope not to throw away. i hope to keep it going.
please forgive me for i have sinned.

grips my flesh skin
slips hard
seeping fingers, hands
and fingernails
create temporary marks
on embedded cells
of sweaty palms
& saliva covered
limbs that wrap
themselves between
tangled hair & legs
woven in between the
sheets our breath
is motionless for
hours in a dimly
lit room with a flame
of poison that
lines the ceilings and
walls that watch our
every move is a sliver
closer to what
heaven intends us
for God's power &
possession of sexual desire.

block.

when the words can't seem to flow like
they used to...in a day when misery needs company
i find comfort in my past words...
the words that lead me to the future...
i can't find them.

instead now i lay in bed for hours staring at the ceiling, lying really still in hopes of not disturbing what thoughts and images might manifest themselves into something... worth writing.
i leave lights on and candles burning all night in hopes of capturing some wonderful thought... but instead i sleep. i sleep and forget my dreams... i keep listening to songs on repeat, over and over as if to try and stay the same or repeat the feeling that his songs give me. its a new band i discovered ... x ambassadors... they hit a chord in me and now their six songs are all i can hear. i try new songs... i try new bands...new people, places, feelings, tastes, skin... emotions...
but i know exactly what i want... i want to go home and see the same faces, the familiar lines and roads to songs that i know all the words to. i know what they will do to me...

3:40am

i am a worthy woman. worthy of marrying. i will be a sweet wife. if that day comes, he will be lucky. he needs to work for it, but for a lot of work, so that i know that he will be good for years. he has to want me in order for me to want him. i am worthy of being wanted. sought after. unforgettable. one guy tonight sarcastically said i was the one. too soon. too much. but i want to go to dinner with him. sober. I'm not completely sober, but I'm on another level & not everyone's with me. he seems to be "with me". we'll see. i like dinner. and conversation crazy, weird conversation. from now on its all me, every bit. jeffery bought me sweet orange sunglasses. keeps me on my toes. he has the best music. exactly what i want to listen to. i really like that. he is a good guy, means well & is a lot of fun. but i just can't have him falling love with me. is it okay to say, "now don't go falling in love with me." i don't think that is appropriate. most likely not, but what needs to be put out there, so no feelings get hurt. kisses. 

what do they mean? because i get a lot of those. i want to kiss your lips again. i can almost remember what it was like, especially that one night, week after we met. insane. but you know, i've worked hard to get where i am & now he has to work hard to have me.

it just can't be that easy. he has to always know that i am worth it.

everything he has to go through will be worth it because he'll have me & then it will be easier,
together.

i don't want to sleep with him now because i want to sleep with him for years. so i'll wait; for all these years, i'll wait, because  it will be exactly what we both want when it does happen. he says he wants it to mean something with me, and it will be. it will be what we both need and want because we waited, got to know each other & fell in love.

fallen in love with the good, the bad & worse. once you've been there, you know. so in the mean time i'll focus on me & learning. surround myself with interesting and smart people so i'll learn from them. i want to meet my potential. i have everything it takes to be a big deal. 

june 8 2011

It's just not the right time. There is much inter connecting that needs to take place before it really picks up. The anticipation is what is so exciting. We are artist.  We create the image we wish to display. If you like, you can be there. Building the foundation first. One day at a time. Thank god. 

both.

the both the boring are you
that i can't seem to have it all anymore
so i'll keep begging for your attention
in a silent kinda way
because you'll be able to feel it too.

for the circus train continues
on about the way of the dream
farthest away from the point of
no where to return but
back to where i started.
i'll spend some time there.




i spend the day being really happy. i listen to podcast about getting into the music industry and this becomes so inspirational. i have alot about to take place in my life. california is going to be a beautiful ride.

i discovered the x ambassadors tonight. its all i've been asking for. unconsolable is where i am.

got the blues for red.

mystery
sparks a flame
that can be seen for miles.
its a bright
fire that burns
deeper than you
comprehend beyond
the seas and mountain sides.
i long for you.



voids will not be
filled with dancing
and expressing
pure joy.
it has nothing to do...
but dance
with yourself.

detox.

one hundred and eighty minutes of intense heat & yoga... flowing through the movements in an almost euphoric way that brought me much closer to myself.

i can see what the wave lengths create when you put them out there. i can see what "could be" if you just diligently and patiently work towards your... creator.

i can see that everything will be ok if i would stop focusing on the small things. money... missing out... and my appearance. these anxieties are only temporary.. as the change and fluctuate with the times.

as i have been here before time. i am time.... i am on time, i am out of time... i am almost on time.
i asked god for a man to treat me well. i asked him for a muse. i asked him for a partner to explore with... he has already given me everything i need, now lets see what angel he has in mind for me.

money runs the world.
if you don't have money... you never will.
without it, you are no one.

money to the soul is death.
those who have no money... full of true self.
full of soul
full of love
full of potential
full of creativity
full of compassion.

those with too much money... soulless.
give it a rest.

do not let money control your soul, keep the energy flowing. keep your head held high; the man wants to suppress you with the evil of money. god doesn't care about that sh**. he has bigger plans for you. 

boys < men

for the well being of a woman, the choice will be made. without the woman, there is no man.

if i could say it any "simpler" i would. the men of our generation haven't a clue how to love a woman. they do not understand "courting" .. much less respect or even romance. its sad really, the boys we have raised in our country.

in a world where the men used to sacrifice and bring support... where they used to open doors and pay for meals... now they are just spoiled infants that long for a mother like figure to take care of them.
give me more
give me a man who has the courage to stand with me
not beside me, but face to face.
so i can see his eyes and know that we are in this together.
god gave man and woman each other to grace one another.
to teach us the full meaning of his love for us... have you ever wondered the sacrifice that he gave us his only son...
"it all starts with the man.
if we can fix the man, we can fix the family.
if we can fix the family, we can fix the community.
fix the community... fix the nation."

so turn off your video games... they don't mean a thing in the grand scheme of things.

absence.

Helps you see the meaning or the less of what has left you. Cracks open or fill in the worthless dirt that I can dig out of ... Later.
As a question mark to most of your sentences. Leaves everything opened ended and marks up some of the worlds to be read illegible and broken.
Lets the imagination run wild and fill in cliche sentences like the soulful yelp of a southern woman who doesn't know right from wrong anymore ... Plurals.
A mess up of morals that were all made up and translated into twist of plot or shock & awe of the tensions which never feel consequences of past afflictions.
Somber is the tricky downward curved upward smile that crosses each persons face during the crossing of what they thought of as a good time...

#girlcrush

when does a right take a wrong turn?
that is the question. 
when do you know when to stop? 
before it's exactly what you
wanted all along?

the comedy of being a child is what it is like. remembering the exact seconds of history that can bring it all back to life with the lessons.
leaving out just enough details as we laid on the floor smoking and listening to records.
the familiar voices and sounds over the classic style of ... way of life.
platonic is how 'they' describe it.

i've set my intention for the next six months.
what you do for the next year usually has a bit to do with
the new years eve. this year i was running around west hollywood.
in an adorable outfit yet to be captured by film.
its funny how the most exciting lives are not
bottled up for everyone to make a spectacle of.
instead it lies deep inside of you and radiates out
and shows in your sense of style.

i found my sense of style tonight. thanks to her. it might just be a thing.