To give subtilty to the simple, to the young man knowledge and discretion. (Proverbs 1:4 KJV)

Use your wisdom wisely. You are never in a hurry, conversation with the youth is important. A necessary action that will improve our future. 

A wise man will hear, and will increase learning; and a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels: (Proverbs 1:5 KJV)

Listen to every soul. Something is to be taught.... 

To understand a proverb, and the interpretation; the words of the wise, and their dark sayings. The fear of the  Lord  is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction. (Proverbs 1:6, 7 KJV)

Fear. I fear things... Rightfully so. The consistent needs... Today I'm going to be only involved in the day. Reading the words .... 

he was the definition of homeless. he wandered the land in a way that he let only the universe guide him. he was a liberal man, accepting of all races, all ethnicities, all diseases.. he helped them. he relied on the kindness of the human spirit to care for him, to love him... and let him into their homes. he was loved by many... hated by most. no one understood his glory. they couldn't understand his beauty, his patience or his teachings. to this day we still struggle around for answers and clues... continually searching, asking, wondering. it is rather simple. keep searching. keep learning. and most of all keep loving. 

make it simple, but no simpler-einstein. 

don't blur your world with money matters. it is the least important possession. you can't take it on the remainder of your journey. don't let it prevent you from taking that journey to begin with. be rich with things that last; happiness & love. 

better is the poor that walketh in his uprightness, than he that is perverse in his ways, though he be rich. -proverbs 28:6

Intellectual arguments do not make believers of atheists, I think, and nor even should they. Even apparently-miraculous events do not make believers of atheists. Belief in God is something I think someone must in the first instance feel, and then possibly struggle to explain and rationalize, first to oneself before even attempting it to others. Or maybe it merely stays unexplained, which might be fine too. There are those who are blessed by never having to wonder. It’s not my intent to argue anyone into believing, but merely to offer a different perspective on this question of who might have more justification in having a problem with who in this whole equation.

God’s problem with Bob Dylan (and with us)

Posted on April 19th, 2012 by Sean Curnyn

Boyfriends are like a good hand bag..

You invest in quality, keep them for a year or so... Then save them in the closet, for when you have the perfect outfit for that bag. 

The past days have been seemingly bizarre. Perfectly choreographed people and moments. Some times I think "life counsel" is a better description of my job. Giving pieces of wisdom out to those who just can't put their thoughts together. The order and timing are everything ...

I sat down with hot tea and made thoughts permanent. "You can't frame a conversation or phone call"- madmen 

                "The faintest ink is far better than the best memory" - Chinese wisdom

Taking six minutes to free flow my life..  Containing the chaos in written form. The color green bleeding in the lines. 

"Whistle For The Choir"

Well it's a big big city and it's always the same

Can never be too pretty tell me your name

Is it out of line if I were simply bold to say "Would you be mine"?

Because I may be a beggar and you may be the queen

I know I may be on a downer I'm still ready to dream

Though it's 3 o'clock, the time is just the time it takes for you to talk.

So if you're lonely why'd you say you're not lonely

Oh you're a silly girl, I know I hurt it so

It's just like you to come

And go you know me no you don't even know me

You're so sweet to try, oh my, you caught my eye,

A girl like you's just irresistible

Well it's a big, big city and the lights are all out

But it's as much as I can do you know to figure you out

And I must confess, my heart's in broken pieces

And my head's a mess

And it's 4 in the morning, and I'm walking along

Beside the ghost of every drinker here who has ever done wrong

And it's you, woo hoo

That's got me going crazy for the things you do

So if you're crazy, I don't care, you amaze me

Oh you're a stupid girl, oh me, oh my, you talk

I die, you smile, you laugh, I cry

And only, a girl like you could be lonely

And it's a crying shame, if you would think the same

A boy like me's just irresistible

So if you're lonely, why'd you say you're not lonely

Oh you're a silly girl, I know I hurt it so

It's just like you to come and go

And know me, no you don't even know me

You're so sweet to try oh my, you caught my eye

A girl like you's just irresistible

I thought this was his band. The style reminds me of ... Everything. I guess I needed to hear these words. I was glad I could inspire someone yesterday with my stories... They stretch far into the past & future. 

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28 KJV)

They said Dylan was a prophet until.... He said he believed in Jesus Christ. Then they thought they had it all wrong.... All along they said he was.

"Jesus loves you more than you will know"- Simon & Garfunkel 

Most artist claim him, try and recreate him, understand and discover the mystery that is the force behind their feelings. 

Putting together the pieces. Seeing the clear signs... 

My dreams last night were strange. Seems that a certain king wrecked my world. I'm forgetting, but I remember the empty feeling. Not him. I suppose he is just an illusion. They all are. 

When we were oh so young. I am frigid. frightened... and  at the same time at peace with what I am doing with my time. 

Girl and the sea - the presets

This song describes an entire era of my life. Diving into the sea; uninhibited. The life of no limitations. A legend in and of our own selves. Dancing the edge of the world like glittering unicorns, "beneath the waves". Where the mermaids gather... Only a few pirates had the chance to take our light. The beautiful ocean children. I am blessed to say I was her. I am her. The only proof of the light is the memories ....and a few sounds. 

There are only the pursued, the pursing, the busy and the tired. -the great gatsby 

Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof. (Matthew 6:34 KJV)

Pay attention to what you have. The following day is not promised. What you grab in front of you now, it's all you got. So take no second for granted. I am thankful. I want this life I have for awhile. I'm willing to work for it. I'm willing to put in my sweat, tears & blood. That is what is being called of me. But the actual day is calm, quiet. Dreary gray storm clouds remind me of Puerto Rico. He said it rains like Hawaii, another destination that is so close. The coast of California is my place. Today. 

vampire candy.

gypsy circus in my mind. I can see it all now. Dusty vintage portals of trampy 

Souls. The desire lines of need. Silica structures. Cellophane now. Stretching and mimicking the illusions of the present. 

I am satisfied. The scary excitement of my future. Bricks and stones that lie ahead. I brace myself for the shift, in gravel. The many faces I need to see. Pleasure and pain combined, lured me in. 

What I would give for a few small and fragile letters on paper. 

Each day is childlike now. One step at a time. Left, left. Left, right, left. 

when you believe in things that you dont understand, you suffer. superstition is the way. stevie wonder

But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. (James 1:4 KJV)

Queen Mary morning.

Let brotherly love continue. Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares. (Hebrews 13:1, 2 KJV)

The Queen Mary was ordered in 1929. The thick steal riveted structure sits now in the bay of long beach. What used to shuttle European royalty around, now sits still and serves a lovely brunch. The choices from all style spread across the center of the ballroom... A harpist sat at the very front, below a muted painting of peacocks and garden distress. The played soft flowing sounds, many songs familiar. I enjoyed her company for eating. The talent is leaving us... Every moment closer to gone.

Seeing her family was a secure second of serenity. The history and reminder of my parents helped. It was much needed this morning. I was thankful for the invitation. Then a rather lengthy ride through town to work. You can smell the salt today. The sun is warm and wraps around me like spring. The mood is quiet. I feel still and reflective, a bit emotionless. I have much to accomplish. 

The example of speaking to people. I need to do it more. Those around me have much to say. Much to teach. I know I have much to learn. 

"May all of your expectations be frustrated. May all of your plans be thwarted. May all your desires be withered into nothingness, that you may experience the powerlessness and poverty of a child and sing and dance in the love of God the father. The son. And the spirit."

The lovely middle one left me this note. Spoke to me in a subtle way. It explains the joy I feel. Also the pain, from loss of control. I know I'm exactly where I am suppose to be. I can feel it. Deep in my bones. All the sights are matching up...

Found myself centered early this morning. Before the light made its way up, over the sea of palms. I mailed a letter early.. With my bluebell and sage mat. The meditation in a far away land with warren. The white helped with the flow of energy, his covered ginger dreads where tucked and neatly placed. 

Opening the spiritual body. The part of our souls that is accessible... If you reach deep. Inside the pockets of flesh that we carry around. Each part of our aura, our energy. Our history. Our consistent being the creates our physical presence. Feeling the rhythm and vibration of our songs and heavy lungs filled with saving grace. The breath. 

The pity of loss. When they leave us too soon. What happens after death? God only knows. He was a wonderful man. One that inspired and made me smile. We talked about coffee and waves. His little shop the southern bean, where I frequented for years and years. pumpkin spice latte. We talked about California. He said dont go, stay home... But go for the adventure. He did it, and wound up in a coffee shop on the east coast. May he be surfing the waves of heaven. Forever more. 

Conscious mind.

What we think we process. My coffee shop adventures have proven well the past two days. I met a lovely gentleman this afternoon. George. His is three times my life ... He has seen. He is wise. He graced me with words I needed to hear. Beautiful and intelligent. "You should take advantage and go back to school. Education opens all doors". I will soon invest some time into the thought. I'm not to say I'm opposed. 

The door opened at home, a new salon to be a part of. Four chairs... I get one. It is near the comfort that is my past. The corner of eckner and the ocean road. Across from the sea... a simple oasis. I gushed about my home sickness... When really I am very happy here. I'm very thankful, very warm. Home is only a flight away. The choice now is how much, and when? 

I have such belief that my world will be as I please... It will manifest itself. I have much to prepare for... this day is mine. The wisdom, the joy and the peace. Good day. 

Smoke gets in your eyes.

The part that is your present movement. The one matter of fact because it is real. All the acting and creating can't even compete with what has happened and what is happening. I am thankful for my time with my best friend and sister today. The days go on as I discover that continueness that is my life. W were there together so we remember. The same. 

 He was the soundtrack to my summers on the beach. The island world that is who I still am... He was the music behind my story. "I am the modern day June Carter". He asked if I liked Johnny Cash. I'll save this world with my grace.   

Coconut flesh. Sleeping alone. The comfort of the still.. quality moments of myself. Lets me be separate and hear my thoughts. As we grow old, I stop and think about who matters. He matters. Really they both do... In a way that I remember dreaming about. I set the scene already. I know the spots, how did i see this?

Here's my number.. Don't bother calling. I'm going to need you to be more creative than that.

The balance of a new day.

Last nights dream put me back in place. Set me up on the shelf for later, no matter the effort I put in... I couldn't change the outcome. I tried and tried by busying myself and cooking, making a scene, but he still paid me no mind. 

That is how life checks itself. The up and down. The excitement of all the good things wouldn't feel good if that is what always happened. How would we know the difference? How would we know what pain and sorrow felt like... If we always smiled. I like happiness to the point that it hurts... Because you never want it to end.

I sit at an old table that resembles a medieval setting, stained glass windows and a mocha latte. The library, where I sit and think. Recognizing the Kinks for the first time here, only a few weeks and I already have memories.  

The more choices you have... You never develop a relationship with any one thing.. Not your apartment, not your job... Most defiantly not the people, they are moving faster away from you than you can realize. 

The "things" are a filter ... The natural world just goes about its business... Occasionally things happen... So we filter it full of nonsense. Entertainment.

You have to actually feel the balance, realize the balance... Then you can begin to return there... Set your vision there. You can retrieve it. Sometimes.

The 'high up' people get it.. They can afford to get it. It all starts in the very beginning. The foundation work is what makes or breaks a building. Out west there are chances for earthquakes, quick sudden jolts that startle. At least back east we can almost prepare for a hurricane. The lives of people here and there are very similar. No foundation work out west... with an exception of a select few.  

I fell in love with the feeling of being in love. -skintercourse . Menomena 

I was able to see a few images from the show today. I miss all of it. I almost want to go home and be a part of the music movement... With those that I love and care about. I'll be missing so much. What am I doing here? Did the devil lead me out here? I don't think so... I'm doing this for me. Moving in my new place helped make me feel more at home. I now have a beautiful closet and bathroom. My two favorite things. I could live here for years. I pray that I get some ease soon... From that feeling of missing out. She said "he loves the letters". I love writing them most of all. 

He makes an appearance in my dreams ... Every so often. Usually right before a show, I guess his energy gets excited. We cuddled last night together ... I could feel all the bones, the curves, the skin... the teeth. We talked about a few things... I think I had chaos around me. Discussing letters and music. I kissed him.. For some reason our time was cut short. Just like in real life.... 

"How does that feel?" Jason lee

Vision of division - the strokes 

Today felt great. Chilly morning, bike ride to work this morning was brisk. I arrived to a pleasant surprise. I was able to sit in on the cutting class today... Thank goodness. I needed the insight ... The extra practice. He was an inspiring soul... Reminded me of someone. Mainly the way his mouth moved, was familiar. I was instantly attracted... I'm sure he gets that a lot. I decided to focus on his craft... The art of teaching hair. This is where I want to go... I want to learn. I want to educate. One step at a time... I think I have him interested.

What I choose to cover my body in today is fun. It speaks about me... Combat boots, leather leggings and a coathangers band tee... Hair pulled high, natural face and a silky champagne kimono... "I like that bit of flare". I love it. Roof top fashion show with myself in a mirror... The world likes it too. 

Bicoastal soon? I think so. I need to make a list of clients to contact... Then I can be everywhere. three weeks here...  one there. All my dreams will come true. Once you give up everything to do something... It's just easier. If you love something set it free, right? 

"Real love is like salt, it enhances the flavor that was there to begin with".

Falling in love is a risk, one that for better or for worse, must be taken alone. 

He said that I need to do it differently if I want to be noticed. dq. If that is the case... I think I'll begin with him. A beautiful pirate. I feel almost safe all the way over here. Time buries treasure like sand, only a few months under the sea and no one will ever know. 

The longing for the east coast. The boys down the street. The girl's wine dates.

The early morning road trips. The breakfast. The summer morning shower 

haircut.  Coffee. His blond hair. The perfect breeze. The air is clean and grey.

The small cabin in the woods. The one with the lights, colored along the ceiling. The dirt path that led me there. I dreamed this several times as a child. In different variations. I think this cabin actually exists ... I need to see it. 

........…On the mountain side of North Carolina.

Sunday brunch.

I lessen the need to escape home some days. The setup was amazing, a buffet style of fruit and chocolate delight. The setting is on the bay, a spring like breeze flows about... I am reflecting on the surrounding. Nothing like this at home...

I am at a lose for words... The days are running into each other. I am a blessed soul.. Saturday sushi nights with Ali and Sunday brunch with the salon staff... Good food, good music... Really, what more could I want? I want so much more.

Is it selfish to say that I am indeed meant for fame. I want to be known around the world... Not in the famous way that people stumble around about you... But in a 'fashionable' way. Where everyone caters to me, but no one really knows...

I need protection, security, a few body guards. A driver and an assistant. This is my next goal... To be successful in a way that I need the help of others to help me help others. That's what I want next. 

listen to:
wax tailor - how i feel 

stephen marley - someone to love 

 

Woke up early before the light to ride a big red bus along the pacific coast highway. We caught the early glimpse of dawn and began our practice right as the sun graced the mountain top. The frigid northern breeze froze my fingers and toes... Making the movements a frozen numb feeling of... Pain. Causing me to focus on keeping the breath sequence and extremity movement. I was surprised at what the mind can alter. Just as I was feeling hopeless... Feeling like giving in to the freezing feeling... The sun heated my body and soul. I had completed the task and was rewarded with a warm breakfast.

We stood around a fire and mediated about the coming year. I wrote my intentions for the year on a best western notepad... Listing my aspirations and goals... To fall in love, explore and create art. Then I became distracted and doodled about CRITTER MANIA 2013. The drawing consisted of wild lines... Tracing each other and moving about like a animal.. A fuzzy frenzy of red lines. I admired the doodle... Then set it up in flames. Watching the paper quickly turn to ash... All my wildest dreams will come true.

We ride bikes downtown and grab a lovely brunch at two umbrellas before work. The diner is a dive from the late eighties...  The soundtrack reflects the decor. Our sugar covered toast and veggie hash is the perfect compliment to the already stunning Saturday. This was on my "list". So I cross coffee date with Ali cat off.. Another goal, another day.

Each morning I wish for the best day... The days are adding up quickly. Soon I'll settle into my oceanside spot. I'll drape the walls with striped fabric ... Cloth and easel in one corner... Maybe a vintage lamp of some sort. Then I want to lay in bed and cuddle all day. "With whom?" you ask, I haven't the slightest clue. I'll just day dream him... Oh my, where is the man of my dreams...?

"Harry, my dream is a code waiting to be broken. Break the code, solve the crime." -twin peaks 

Funny, this day was a pleasure. I loved every second. But really... There is no place like home. "From Carolina". I talk to friends more often now. More often than ever before... People actually 'think' about me? 

I think about others constantly... So many different people. But still I feel like I'm missing something. But what? I'm missing people. Not a place. All new land... So many people, but who are they to me? I came here to be something that I dreamed about. Now I am her... 

The arrows fly in all directions. I feel like I'm doing the right thing. Please let the pain subside around me.. Let me let go of the fear and relax. I am victim this time.. Vulnerable, but that is what makes me relatable. I hope. 

We thought about luna reflection... Thoughts to ourselves. I found my peace again. Realigned to the fashion of my veins ... The being that I am.

To touch each person like you care. That is the secret. It takes a certain energy to allow that touch. You can't teach it, it is  learned over time by oneself. You will not understand it unless you have it. If you have it you get scared and give it to no one. If no one gets it... There will be no more. 

1.10.13 evening

Mamihlapinatapei (Yagan, an indigenous language of Tierra del Fuego): The wordless yet meaningful look shared by two people who desire to initiate something, but are both reluctant to start. 

Yuanfen (Chinese): A relationship by fate or destiny. This is a complex concept. It draws on principles of predetermination in Chinese culture, which dictate relationships, encounters and affinities, mostly among lovers and friends.

Cafuné (Brazilian Portuguese): The act of tenderly running your fingers through someone's hair.

Retrouvailles (French):  The happiness of meeting again after a long time. 

Ilunga (Bantu): A person who is willing to forgive abuse the first time; tolerate it the second time, but never a third time.

La Douleur Exquise (French): The heart-wrenching pain of wanting someone you can’t have.

Koi No Yokan (Japanese): The sense upon first meeting a person that the two of you are going to fall into love. 

Ya’aburnee (Arabic): “You bury me.” It’s a declaration of one’s hope that they’ll die before another person, because of how difficult it would be to live without them.

Forelsket: (Norwegian):  The euphoria you experience when you’re first falling in love.

Saudade (Portuguese): The feeling of longing for someone that you love and is lost. Another linguist describes it as a "vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist."

i was very excited to "stumble upon" this tonight. it explains so much. today was a good day. 

read the full article at: http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1T64Y6/bigthink.com/marriage-30/the-top-10-relationship-words-that-arent-translatable-into-english?page=all/

Silver lining.

"Dreams burn, but in ashes are gold." Kings of convenience 24-25 

The lighting reminds me of a cloudy winter day at home, except its even more familiar than that. The ocean breeze is cool and takes me back years. To the days with the Russian girls, the cool breeze of summers end. I can feel the crisp newness of Puerto Rico, the 10th floor facing the Atlantic. It reminded me of California before I knew... All the memories flood together and instantly create the mood... The heavenly. I love lonely quiet days.. The soundtrack was brilliant, I learned a lot. 

Time to catch up with loved ones and reevaluate the present.. All I know is history, thank God. So I use my imagination, breathing the air that is mine. The life I came to conquer. "Home will always be there.." Right where I left off... Which in actuality is a tricky spot, best forgotten with time. 

The harmonious  voices & calm acoustics give me breathing room. I need a bit of piano.... 

I can feel the thoughts, careful not to have a complex... But the reassuring text have come right on cue. They help me remember that people believe in me. Believe in the curiosity that I strive to have everyday. Not everyone can... I was given the gift. I need to share. 

The ones who relate to me best are stunning, well put together souls that float around with dazzling feathers. I suppose they have veil like energy as well, I don't see why it would be any different with them. The further away... The more I see the love I have left behind.

"Will I ever feel better?"what is getting me now. Just me. Please don't get bored now... The fight I have with myself all days. 

Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:16 KJV)

Southern comfort.

Reminds me of spring today. The dream of biking to work came true. I don't know that I pictured it quite the same, but pretty close. It felt good to be alone. Independent. Now I can get somewhere...

I fell in love with Amelia yesterday evening. I could feel her... I knew I would find her. She is a 1973 'Carolina' blue Schwinn. Found at a quaint little bicycle shop on orange ave. I just loved the entire evening. Ali and I can now adventure around town... To the market. Like I stepped back in time, she fits perfectly. Only slightly heavier than I had planned for... The stairs are tough.

Settling sounds sweet now. The dream of having space to myself... a closet. I'm very simple ... I hardly need a corner. I envision my own view, my own door... The quiet safe haven that will be my new home. 

I can see the light now. From afar, though revisiting will bring me pleasure... "being" there brings me stagnant thoughts... That I will achieve nothing. The dream of real life this morning solidifies that when you work to achieve... two years later came true.  But now what? It's time to stop day dreaming... Stop wishing and make it happen. The lull of steadiness will give me time to study and advertise for myself. Makes me tired just thinking about it... I think I'll go for a bike ride. 

Glamour is a way of life.

 E. Arnot Robertson wrote in Picture Post, "I think Bette Davis would probably have been burned as a witch if she had lived two or three hundred years ago. She gives the curious feeling of being charged with power which can find no ordinary outlet."

Recurring signs and symbols that feel right. I have a calm that exists again. The breezy sensation that gives you relief. Three mile walk cleared my head & a bit of tension. This is a unique city, a beautiful place. You just have to know where to be. 

The wine date went well. Too good to be true? Time will answer that. Good things for me to come... And then I leave them. Repeatedly. This seems ideal for me. They all sit around and laugh with me.. Enticing. I like the attention, I will finally admit it. But it makes me shy. I look down and away because I know it is not mine to give... It was given to me and can so quickly be taken away.

The plan? White flags this time... Im letting the signs direct me for awhile. "What do you like to do?" ... Music. That is what I do. I dream, create and listen to music. I am a whimsical fairy in a strange land now. 

He said I had Bette Davis eyes... She had an unforgettable look. Droopy eyes that were her focal point. She wasn't really at all attractive, yet she caught every bit of your attention. That goes for many historically renowned women... The looks are not what get them through, it's the eyes. The character. The thorns that prick you and keep you smelling the 'roses'. 

Toning it down a bit now. The mystery will keep them intrigued... Keep me on my toes to be quiet. 

Found a mail box by a castle on first st. One block from the ocean and I'm staring at a gated medieval castle... Mailed him a letter. It's only fair. I took the time to make that for him. He has to know that I think about him. It is a reality. But I'm taking my time, trying to contain my excitement. Like a creature trapped in a jar... Seeing the outside offers so many choices. Choose wisely. Choose some one that cares to release you into the wild.

"Knights Of Cydonia"

                               ---Muse

Come ride with me

Through the veins of history

I'll show you how god

Falls asleep on the job

And how can we win

When fools can be kings

Don't waste your time

Or time will waste you

No one's gonna take me alive

The time has come to make things right

You and I must fight for our rights

You and I must fight to survive

The once was.

I remember sitting at the bar in the middle of winter laughing about how I had already passed my prime. Our dinner dates were random and we acted like a married couple of several years. He gave me blunt advice, quite the salty sailor.  Anchors that hold him steady in the ocean. He was correct, my body isn't in her early twenties... Unfortunate that I didn't get a photo. Once ago I had great legs and  worried about when they would leave me. Now I'd just rather not look. These legs get me from point a to b. they support my never ending effort to explore. I'm thankful they are small... I miss everything from the past today.

My present alarms me. Am I psychic? Or do I analyze the context clues better than others? I only need a few clues and then I can create answers. The mystery of my family history. The strangeness of the separation. At times it's just easier to escape town, then you don't have to live with the past. The trail of your ancestors. Fortunately I can make my own path now. 

The long cloak trails me. The heavy blood line that flows through my veins. I don't know much about it; best that I don't search. Those around me can feel the energy. It fills the room...  

Just imagine.

The type you fall in love with. The stunning view. "The new girl"... Our town is quite the same, except my best friend lives on this end. Slow the pace to make it work. Withering away all my things. Listening to "these days" by the black keys. The devil he listens well... Once you go that way. Hearing the crash of the ocean; I could get some good writing done. A group of people that notice if I'm around, if I just happen to not come home.
I can envision it now. Reassures me that first "dates" do indeed come along and sweep you off your feet. Natural selection. The universe places you together for a reason.

Last night was interesting. It was an event that I thought I wanted to attend, come to find out... It was boring. All the boys the same... And the ones that wear that "famous" clothing... Well they are not at all famous. Quite the opposite really... Poor kids posing as fakes. I'm not impressed with this anymore. All the potential is now gone... If you don't do something before you are twenty five, well you wasted a few years. That's all.

"The bands were like the glue."

Sitting still of a while yesterday evening gave me a chance to collect my thoughts. The realization of the present sits... Still. A bit of music goes a long way. Watching a documentary of the beginning of sixties rock in the U.k. Made me realize a few things... Lots of drugs take a toll on your body. It makes your brain tick a little differently. Changes the sights and shapes. Alters the long term outcome. 

They had something no one did. The edge or advantage because they were new. Playing five to seven minute songs, the unique live shows... Throwing around sounds for hours that kept their fans enticed and in a trance of a spinning daze. Most of them were tripping on acid anyway... They are Pink Floyd. Anonymous makers of sound... A light show of sorts. The first to use colored liquid on slides to create liquid lava lights... Hiding their identity, their faces.  It's the sections that were never recorded that bring the most memory. A free fall over a minor chord... 

The mix of pride and shame is the story of the west. You give up everything for the greatest adventure of your life. The struggle to remain yourself.  The west is the most powerful energy... It is the regenerative source of America. 

No one can argue something that comes from within. We are humans... Some of it is marvelous.  Some of it was horrible. 

Either way it is done now. So I'm listening to the signs and assessing the damage. The fear. My brain breaks down the worry at night ... Giving me weird visions and illusions. Waking up to remain out of the false feelings.. The false occurrence of something so scary. Except my life here is real. Those dreams are not.

History will indeed repeat its self, where else is there to go? "Round and round on this merry go 'round". It's only a matter of time before the youth must stop being so naive and realize that 'we' are the change we wish to see. Such a waste, most of our youth.. Clouded with a messy loop of unnecessary priorities... Scrambled by the distraction of technology. Taking over the world at an uncanny rate... No one can slow it down. So it's up to us to keep up or get left behind. I choose to use my body and skills to better mankind... Please grant me strength and confidence to make this real. 

The new year. West Hollywood.

The strangest terms come from the moments you can't plan. The one chance you get to take a wild card. I'm thankful mine usually happen either all or nothing. The two extremes is how I live. Stories you never repeat because 'they' wouldn't believe you anyway. I mean how could they? It doesn't make sense.

Knowing the most beautiful of your times will never be captured is hard to understand. It's hard to accept. It frustrates me that the ray of light will eventually go dark and I will have no where to look to find it again. Lost in the memories of strangers. The ones who don't remember either. 

The stance I balanced on was that of a starlet, yet I'm just an east coast island girl. Something of a spectacle, they are fascinated with me. As if I'm some 'real' that know one knows or sees... They can't understand. Not of this world, I have left my old self to move forward and see the obstacles. I see clarity & pray. Giving myself to the one who created me, to give me only that I can handle. He knows my limit. I do not.. I push around limits. 

Sometimes you fall. I fell forward into a garden of confusion. Losing control only for a few hours.. Losing a friend. I think I sacrificed too much for nothing. I do not regret... So learn that life is precious and I need to better protect my health. And body. This creature that I have so delicately helped mold... It is not for others anymore. Only for me. The mouth rape was enough, he'd swept me away forever... Had he the choice. I'm already taken. And I am evil otherwise. It's a trait about me... That is my savior and destroyer. 

The beginning is just over the horizon. We hiked eight miles in solstice canyon ... Seeing the sun set over the ocean through the rolling green hills. Not something I could find at home. The fire destroyed their lives... Their homes were burned away... Leaving only brick structures and retro ovens. Large kitchens and fire places that survived the flames. Ruins of years ago.. I pictured the models in modern French dresses and big textured hair. I'm not sure what to do with the men though... The shoot will show the end of an era. The era where women are less... domestic.  We are the brilliance that is what will save us. History shows it, proves it. Every soul craves the feminine power, the beauty she possess. Men want it. Women want it. Creatures all alike want this 'beauty' so much that it gives power to those... Certain humans. I pray mine doesn't go to waste. Lord please forgive me. I cry out to you. 

How I repeatedly survive situations leads me to believe that I am meant for life. The sound of music saves me and this new year began in a land of creative forces. The people that I must emerge myself in to create the works of art I know I'm meant to create. 

Early on I began creating. I created clothes. Houses.. Worlds... Barbie bands, that were always on tour. Books ... Games. Being raised in a secluded land left me plenty of imaginative time. Mother let us be. She enabled us to be one of a kind. She is the definition of a mother. She created stunning women. Three of them. Each of is a blessing in disguise. We just haven't a clue how to use our gifts yet. I'm only in the very early stages now. I had to give up everything... My past... to have this moment. This life... 

At four am... I sit Indian style in a chair. The 'not yet released' insight doll baby dress... The leather leggings... The black pumps.. And a head of unreasonable curls.... I laugh in a room full of men. "Lets start a revolution. I know I'm a part of it." I think I've known all along. Film. That's how you capture life... That's how you alter the real. Taking out the parts that you don't want to remember. I've made plenty to know. I wrote and directed films as a child. Starring... My sisters and friends. Of course you chose your friends. They are the ones with passion behind their work.. They have a reason. So the empire of friends continues to grow. 

My feelings haven't changed. They sit right where they left off. In the midst of all my life changes.. I still want to lay with him. Like a cat... Snuggling in a sleep so angelic that you'd think  it could last forever. So peaceful that it reassures you ...while together the world will not take our life away.