Thursday, January 3, 2013

The new year. West Hollywood.

The strangest terms come from the moments you can't plan. The one chance you get to take a wild card. I'm thankful mine usually happen either all or nothing. The two extremes is how I live. Stories you never repeat because 'they' wouldn't believe you anyway. I mean how could they? It doesn't make sense.

Knowing the most beautiful of your times will never be captured is hard to understand. It's hard to accept. It frustrates me that the ray of light will eventually go dark and I will have no where to look to find it again. Lost in the memories of strangers. The ones who don't remember either. 

The stance I balanced on was that of a starlet, yet I'm just an east coast island girl. Something of a spectacle, they are fascinated with me. As if I'm some 'real' that know one knows or sees... They can't understand. Not of this world, I have left my old self to move forward and see the obstacles. I see clarity & pray. Giving myself to the one who created me, to give me only that I can handle. He knows my limit. I do not.. I push around limits. 

Sometimes you fall. I fell forward into a garden of confusion. Losing control only for a few hours.. Losing a friend. I think I sacrificed too much for nothing. I do not regret... So learn that life is precious and I need to better protect my health. And body. This creature that I have so delicately helped mold... It is not for others anymore. Only for me. The mouth rape was enough, he'd swept me away forever... Had he the choice. I'm already taken. And I am evil otherwise. It's a trait about me... That is my savior and destroyer. 

The beginning is just over the horizon. We hiked eight miles in solstice canyon ... Seeing the sun set over the ocean through the rolling green hills. Not something I could find at home. The fire destroyed their lives... Their homes were burned away... Leaving only brick structures and retro ovens. Large kitchens and fire places that survived the flames. Ruins of years ago.. I pictured the models in modern French dresses and big textured hair. I'm not sure what to do with the men though... The shoot will show the end of an era. The era where women are less... domestic.  We are the brilliance that is what will save us. History shows it, proves it. Every soul craves the feminine power, the beauty she possess. Men want it. Women want it. Creatures all alike want this 'beauty' so much that it gives power to those... Certain humans. I pray mine doesn't go to waste. Lord please forgive me. I cry out to you. 

How I repeatedly survive situations leads me to believe that I am meant for life. The sound of music saves me and this new year began in a land of creative forces. The people that I must emerge myself in to create the works of art I know I'm meant to create. 

Early on I began creating. I created clothes. Houses.. Worlds... Barbie bands, that were always on tour. Books ... Games. Being raised in a secluded land left me plenty of imaginative time. Mother let us be. She enabled us to be one of a kind. She is the definition of a mother. She created stunning women. Three of them. Each of is a blessing in disguise. We just haven't a clue how to use our gifts yet. I'm only in the very early stages now. I had to give up everything... My past... to have this moment. This life... 

At four am... I sit Indian style in a chair. The 'not yet released' insight doll baby dress... The leather leggings... The black pumps.. And a head of unreasonable curls.... I laugh in a room full of men. "Lets start a revolution. I know I'm a part of it." I think I've known all along. Film. That's how you capture life... That's how you alter the real. Taking out the parts that you don't want to remember. I've made plenty to know. I wrote and directed films as a child. Starring... My sisters and friends. Of course you chose your friends. They are the ones with passion behind their work.. They have a reason. So the empire of friends continues to grow. 

My feelings haven't changed. They sit right where they left off. In the midst of all my life changes.. I still want to lay with him. Like a cat... Snuggling in a sleep so angelic that you'd think  it could last forever. So peaceful that it reassures you ...while together the world will not take our life away. 

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